I had intended to be much better about posting and making this a pregnancy journal of sorts, but it just didn't happen. I am 28 weeks and 5 days now and things are still going as smoothly as they could ever be. I am so thankful that each doctor appt goes well and things continue progressing as they do. I'm going to try and recall events, even just for my own memories down the road, so this post may jump around a bit.
First of all, we've known we're having 2 boys since 16 weeks and are so thrilled about it. I had my vision of wanting a boy and a girl, if only because I love the relationship I have with my twin brother. My sister put together gender reveal party and the first box (of balloons and confetti was obviously blue for a boy, which had me tearing up instantly. My sister in law took a video, in which you can hear my brother saying, "Why is she crying, I thought she didn't want a boy." There are other comments said, to which I reply something like "There better not be 2 boys in there!", and W saying "Try not to say things like 'unacceptable'". Well lo and behold the 2nd box also showered us with blue confetti, which instantly had me jumping for joy and cracking up over. I'm so glad we have pictures and a fuzzy video to mark such a fun event. I can't lie and say I didn't feel any disappointment over the picture in my head not actually happening, but I can also say with a 100% certainty that those feelings have completely diminished and I am so excited to have 2 little guys joining our family!
At 24 weeks, the weekend we moved into our new home, we ended up going to the Maternity ER to get checked out. We had been working hard for several days in a row, with me even helping W move dirt around to get our dog run set up. I was concerned about the cramping I was feeling, and with him heading out of town the next day, I decided to play it safe and get checked out. Everything was just fine, and they said I had an "irritable uterus", and to try and take it easy and make sure I was getting plenty of fluids.
I've still been gaining weight like a champ, if I do say so myself. As of yesterday I'm up 29 lbs and couldn't be happier about it. It's the only time in my life I will ever feel this way, so I'm taking full advantage of enjoying seeing the scale climb. At my 26 week appointment, we did another full scan of the babies, and they looked so good! It's so crazy making out features on them, even in the grainy video screen. Baby B is still presenting and head down. Baby A is still breech and looking pretty cozy that way, still. The Placenta Previa was still showing up, so I've been trying to prepare myself more and more to expect to have a scheduled C-section.
Yesterday was my 28 week appt. I had my 1 hour glucose test and passed. Dr. D said it was pretty close to the edge, but he didn't see any need for me to do the 3 hour test, but to try and cut back on sweets and eat more fruits and veggies. We didn't have a full ultrasound, just a quick check the heartbeats and my cervix, but everything was looking good. Dr. D said he thinks there's still plenty of time for the Placenta Previa to move and we can still try and have a natural delivery, but that ultimately it doesn't matter what he thinks, that it's up to my body. I am to go to the ER if I have any bleeding or consistent contractions. If everything continues to go smoothly, and I don't go into labor on my own, Dr. D said he'll likely induce me right around 36 weeks, so these little guys should be here within the next 8 weeks! I had it in my head that I was going to carry them until at least 38 weeks, and so I was counting down from 10 weeks, 8 weeks seems like such a big difference to me! But, I can't wait! There's lots to do still to prepare, but I know we'll get it done!
The boys have been moving around a ton, and in the last week starting to hit my ribs. I never thought much about it when people would complain about this, but those little guys can really hurt my ribs! I'll bend over to put on shoes, and get a punch to the ribs or be curled up on one side and get a kick in the ribs. Even though, I'm starting to get more and more uncomfortable, the bigger I get, I really do love it all. I am so thankful to be here and to experience the joy of pregnancy and to feel them move brings a smile to my face constantly.
I've started getting braxton hicks contractions, which is such a bizarre feeling. My stomach tightens and contorts in some odd shape and at times will last quite a long time, making me really uncomfortable. Others come and go really quickly.
We've decided on the boys' names and I've already decided which one will be named which at birth. We like Thomas and Marcus. I also just put out a very simple announcement on Facebook and Instagram, with pictures speaking for me that we are expecting. I've been overwhelmed with the love and support from our family and friends. It's a bit surreal to be here, making an announcement, sending out baby shower invites and setting up a baby registry. Not a day goes by, that I don't feel so much gratitude for all the good things happening in our lives. We are in our new house and have twins on the way. It's going to be a big adjustment, needing to really tighten up our budget and me transitioning into becoming a stay at home mom, but I know we can do it. These small sacrifices will pay off in the long run, knowing we are creating the life we've been dreaming of for years. I sit and think about what a difference a year can make. As we rang in the new year last year, we were still mourning the loss of our first real pregnancy. I had so much bitterness in my heart and wasn't sure if I'd ever feel whole again. But things have taken quite a drastic change and I feel so much joy, happiness and love for these 2 boys I still haven't met. In a few short weeks, our lives will be forever changed. I can't wait.
Tuesday, December 30, 2014
Monday, November 3, 2014
Week 20
Week 20 has been my favorite so far! I bought a book about twins and multiples at the beginning of my pregnancy, it outlines how important it is to focus on gaining weight for your twins. I thought it to be far too daunting of a task to read that you should gain 20 lbs, plus some if you're underweight, by 20 weeks. Well at my 20 week appointment last week, I had gained 22 lbs and couldn't be happier about it!
I also began feeling the babies kicking. I can't say for certain that I've felt both, but 100% have felt "Baby B" kicking several times. Yesterday, W was even able to feel a tiny little kick and then at dinner, my mom and sisters were able to feel it too. What a surreal feeling it is, to really have that life growing and moving inside you.
My sister bought an at home Fetal Doppler and we've heard the heartbeats several times on it. It's a sound that I never grow tired of hearing. We also got our confirmation that we are in fact having 2 boys, which thrills me so much! I've bought a couple nursery items, now that I can say for sure that I won't be exchanging any items down the road.
So far, I haven't had any real cravings. Certain foods don't quite sound good, but I can't say that anything has been at the top of the list, either. I still have the taste buds of a little kid and could eat chicken with buffalo sauce and ranch every day and not grow tired of it.
Sleep has been different. I have to sleep on my side, and wake up with half my limbs asleep or cramping up a lot. I find that some nights I wake up to pee several times, and others I'll only wake up once. I am most comfortable with a pillow supporting my back and another supporting my stomach. Poor puppy J hasn't been able to curl up with me like she used to. Some nights, I simply can't handle her laying anywhere she might be touching me. She seems to understand though, and is fine curling up with W or on a blanket next to me when he's gone.
"Baby A" is breech at the moment, but of course could turn at anytime. What I find interesting is that he has been breech every time we've gone in for an ultrasound. "Baby B" is our "presenting twin". He is head down at the lowest point right now, which means he'll likely be born first. At this last appt. Dr. D said that I have Placenta Previa. This means that one of the placentas is blocking my cervix, which makes natural childbirth out of the question. But this could change and move in time, so we aren't too worried about it at the moment. I go back to see him in 3 weeks, and we'll check it then.
I also began feeling the babies kicking. I can't say for certain that I've felt both, but 100% have felt "Baby B" kicking several times. Yesterday, W was even able to feel a tiny little kick and then at dinner, my mom and sisters were able to feel it too. What a surreal feeling it is, to really have that life growing and moving inside you.
My sister bought an at home Fetal Doppler and we've heard the heartbeats several times on it. It's a sound that I never grow tired of hearing. We also got our confirmation that we are in fact having 2 boys, which thrills me so much! I've bought a couple nursery items, now that I can say for sure that I won't be exchanging any items down the road.
So far, I haven't had any real cravings. Certain foods don't quite sound good, but I can't say that anything has been at the top of the list, either. I still have the taste buds of a little kid and could eat chicken with buffalo sauce and ranch every day and not grow tired of it.
Sleep has been different. I have to sleep on my side, and wake up with half my limbs asleep or cramping up a lot. I find that some nights I wake up to pee several times, and others I'll only wake up once. I am most comfortable with a pillow supporting my back and another supporting my stomach. Poor puppy J hasn't been able to curl up with me like she used to. Some nights, I simply can't handle her laying anywhere she might be touching me. She seems to understand though, and is fine curling up with W or on a blanket next to me when he's gone.
"Baby A" is breech at the moment, but of course could turn at anytime. What I find interesting is that he has been breech every time we've gone in for an ultrasound. "Baby B" is our "presenting twin". He is head down at the lowest point right now, which means he'll likely be born first. At this last appt. Dr. D said that I have Placenta Previa. This means that one of the placentas is blocking my cervix, which makes natural childbirth out of the question. But this could change and move in time, so we aren't too worried about it at the moment. I go back to see him in 3 weeks, and we'll check it then.
One Year Later
So much can change in one year's time. This has certainly proved to be true for us in the last year. One year ago, we were grieving the loss of our first real pregnancy. We'd done our first round of IVF and it was successful! But at 9 weeks, everything came crashing down around us and our world wouldn't ever be quite the same. I still get quite emotional when I think about that day and the days that followed. W and I spent a few days just at home, doing our own grieving. We ventured out that weekend, spent time with family and cried with them. I feel terrible, because I don't think I acknowledged my own dad's birthday last year. I was in such a haze and couldn't quite think straight. A little piece of my heart will forever be missing with the loss of our little one. Hopes and dreams we'd already had, were no longer. We spent several months trying to make sense of what had happened and tried to move on and pick up the pieces, but life doesn't always work out the way you want them to. I spent several months seeing my RE, trying to prepare to move forward with a frozen embryo transfer, and got bad news each time, that my body just wasn't quite ready to move on.
When March rolled around, I decided to take matters into my own hands. I wasn't going to sit around and mope and wish for my cysts to be gone. I needed a break, so I talked to Dr. P and made a plan. I still went and saw him each month, to be sure that things were continuing on the way they should, but I didn't focus all my energy into being able to move forward. Instead I put all my extra energy into running. And run I did. I ran 3 half marathons in 5 weeks, and improved each race. I had the ambition to run a full marathon, but as time drew closer, I realized I just simply didn't allow myself enough time to train. So instead, I focused on improving my speed and with my final half, I was able to come in at 1:57, which was so awesome to me. I ran it by myself, and had to really push myself to not slow down, not stop and walk, not tell myself I couldn't do it.
As soon as the races were done, W and I made plans for another big change in our lives. We weren't going to sit around and hope that our FET worked and wish we'd done something if things fell through again. So we made another dream of ours happen and found a development to build our new home and things couldn't have come together more perfectly. We got things rolling with the house, went to our meetings and figured out what to do with our existing home. During it all, we prepared to move forward with our FET and made the big decision whether to transfer 1 or 2 embryos. I kept running as much as I could, to fit in as much as I could before the transfer, as I wasn't allowed to keep running past that point.
Come July, real changes were happening. We were getting closer to sealing the deal on our new home, and we did our transfer, and went with 2 knowing full well that twins could be a real possibility for us. We had our final meetings and signed a check to get the house going. And then we waited....
Fast forward to today and we are getting over some big humps and nearing closer to our new reality. Our house should be complete in 3 weeks, and we should be celebrating the holidays in our new home.
We are also in a much different place in regards to our pregnancy. One year after that heartbreaking loss, we hit the 20 week mark of this pregnancy with twins. What a milestone this has been! I am overcome with emotion when I sit back and see everything we have to be thankful for. I didn't want to be that annoying lady, who posted each week the different things in a pregnancy, but I finally feel like this is here to stay and I don't want to forget anything about it. So I think that every couple of weeks, I will do a journal entry of sorts, to remember certain milestones of this pregnancy.
When March rolled around, I decided to take matters into my own hands. I wasn't going to sit around and mope and wish for my cysts to be gone. I needed a break, so I talked to Dr. P and made a plan. I still went and saw him each month, to be sure that things were continuing on the way they should, but I didn't focus all my energy into being able to move forward. Instead I put all my extra energy into running. And run I did. I ran 3 half marathons in 5 weeks, and improved each race. I had the ambition to run a full marathon, but as time drew closer, I realized I just simply didn't allow myself enough time to train. So instead, I focused on improving my speed and with my final half, I was able to come in at 1:57, which was so awesome to me. I ran it by myself, and had to really push myself to not slow down, not stop and walk, not tell myself I couldn't do it.
As soon as the races were done, W and I made plans for another big change in our lives. We weren't going to sit around and hope that our FET worked and wish we'd done something if things fell through again. So we made another dream of ours happen and found a development to build our new home and things couldn't have come together more perfectly. We got things rolling with the house, went to our meetings and figured out what to do with our existing home. During it all, we prepared to move forward with our FET and made the big decision whether to transfer 1 or 2 embryos. I kept running as much as I could, to fit in as much as I could before the transfer, as I wasn't allowed to keep running past that point.
Come July, real changes were happening. We were getting closer to sealing the deal on our new home, and we did our transfer, and went with 2 knowing full well that twins could be a real possibility for us. We had our final meetings and signed a check to get the house going. And then we waited....
Fast forward to today and we are getting over some big humps and nearing closer to our new reality. Our house should be complete in 3 weeks, and we should be celebrating the holidays in our new home.
We are also in a much different place in regards to our pregnancy. One year after that heartbreaking loss, we hit the 20 week mark of this pregnancy with twins. What a milestone this has been! I am overcome with emotion when I sit back and see everything we have to be thankful for. I didn't want to be that annoying lady, who posted each week the different things in a pregnancy, but I finally feel like this is here to stay and I don't want to forget anything about it. So I think that every couple of weeks, I will do a journal entry of sorts, to remember certain milestones of this pregnancy.
Friday, September 19, 2014
Feeling Blessed
If you had told me at the beginning of this year that we'd be in the place we are, I would've said "Not likely." Yet here we are, making so many of our dreams a reality.
We've always talked about how nice it would be to build a home together. We get to decide the way it looks, and be the original owners and really plant our roots. I'm just so grateful that the first 4 or 5 options we were 'set' on ended up not working, because none of them compared to the option we landed on. We get to live close to my parents. We get to live close to an awesome biking/jogging trail and parks to take our dogs and kids to. We knew the instant we pulled into the area, that this was going to be our new home. We didn't hesitate to put our holding deposit down and start making plans. We've been so incredibly thankful for the way the pieces of the puzzle have come together to make everything work out for us. The house is coming along, slowly but surely and our plans to make it our home are in full swing.
But beyond the new house, other prayers have been answered. At the beginning of July, we did our frozen embryo transfer. We made the decision together, with Dr. P's advice and guidance, to transfer 2 embryos. Well both took. We are expecting TWINS. I am 14 weeks today, and officially into the 2nd trimester. The farther along we get, the more grateful I feel. We had a scare 2 weeks ago, suddenly gushing blood with clots, and rushed to the ER. I was making peace with myself on the way there, and waiting for the doctor to do the ultrasound, that if we could just keep one baby, I would know that things just worked how there were supposed to. But we breathed a huge sigh of relief when we saw both babies moving around with good, strong heartbeats. The bleeding died down after a couple hours and we were sent home. Every time in the past, when I've been bleeding, I've miscarried, so to say we were humbled would be an understatement. We are just so grateful that we aren't grieving the loss of one of our babies, but celebrating both of them continuing to grow strong.
We've had a couple of appts with our Maternal Fetal Medicine doctor and so far, really like the office and it's staff. The last appt, seeing both babies moving around, seeing facial features and limbs moving, I was just in awe the whole time. I don't think I could've grown tired of seeing them up there, and cannot wait to meet them in real life.
Our next appt is in a couple weeks, and although I know it might still be early, I am hoping we can find out the genders. It would be nice to really be able to start planning how the nursery will look and buying a few items for them.
We continue to pray that things can keep moving smoothly and that these littles can be in our arms in a few months. We're slowly telling the news to friends and family and I'm starting to really love this baby bump. I'm getting past the in between stage and into maternity clothing and loving experiencing what it's like to be pregnant. It's not always fun. I haven't felt fully myself for a number of weeks now. Feeling nauseous and gaggy, waking up several times a night to pee, feeling like things are already too tight in my stomach that I can't quite get comfortable. But, I definitely wouldn't change it for the world.
We've always talked about how nice it would be to build a home together. We get to decide the way it looks, and be the original owners and really plant our roots. I'm just so grateful that the first 4 or 5 options we were 'set' on ended up not working, because none of them compared to the option we landed on. We get to live close to my parents. We get to live close to an awesome biking/jogging trail and parks to take our dogs and kids to. We knew the instant we pulled into the area, that this was going to be our new home. We didn't hesitate to put our holding deposit down and start making plans. We've been so incredibly thankful for the way the pieces of the puzzle have come together to make everything work out for us. The house is coming along, slowly but surely and our plans to make it our home are in full swing.
But beyond the new house, other prayers have been answered. At the beginning of July, we did our frozen embryo transfer. We made the decision together, with Dr. P's advice and guidance, to transfer 2 embryos. Well both took. We are expecting TWINS. I am 14 weeks today, and officially into the 2nd trimester. The farther along we get, the more grateful I feel. We had a scare 2 weeks ago, suddenly gushing blood with clots, and rushed to the ER. I was making peace with myself on the way there, and waiting for the doctor to do the ultrasound, that if we could just keep one baby, I would know that things just worked how there were supposed to. But we breathed a huge sigh of relief when we saw both babies moving around with good, strong heartbeats. The bleeding died down after a couple hours and we were sent home. Every time in the past, when I've been bleeding, I've miscarried, so to say we were humbled would be an understatement. We are just so grateful that we aren't grieving the loss of one of our babies, but celebrating both of them continuing to grow strong.
We've had a couple of appts with our Maternal Fetal Medicine doctor and so far, really like the office and it's staff. The last appt, seeing both babies moving around, seeing facial features and limbs moving, I was just in awe the whole time. I don't think I could've grown tired of seeing them up there, and cannot wait to meet them in real life.
Our next appt is in a couple weeks, and although I know it might still be early, I am hoping we can find out the genders. It would be nice to really be able to start planning how the nursery will look and buying a few items for them.
We continue to pray that things can keep moving smoothly and that these littles can be in our arms in a few months. We're slowly telling the news to friends and family and I'm starting to really love this baby bump. I'm getting past the in between stage and into maternity clothing and loving experiencing what it's like to be pregnant. It's not always fun. I haven't felt fully myself for a number of weeks now. Feeling nauseous and gaggy, waking up several times a night to pee, feeling like things are already too tight in my stomach that I can't quite get comfortable. But, I definitely wouldn't change it for the world.
Friday, August 15, 2014
Updates
There's so much to update on, but so little time, it seems.
We have been updating our current home since February, and then in May decided that we should take advantage of the market being on an upswing and get our house sold. With the plans being in place to do the transfer in July, it gave us time to start looking for a new home in the meantime. After looking all across the valley, we found a new development 3.5 miles from my parents house and instantly fell in love. So we put our money down and got the ball rolling to get everything started. We've sold our house, which turned out much easier/better than we could've ever imagined. We were going to hire an agent to help us list our house, but then decided at the last minute, the day before his contract went into effect, that we really couldn't sell our house right now, with the house not even being built yet. But a week later, the agent called with some buyers who were interested in seeing our house. They made an offer and agreed to let us stay in the home (renting it from them) until our new house is built. We closed on the house last week and are now renters. They will begin digging next week on our new home, which we are thrilled about! Keeping our fingers crossed that mid-November is when they'll complete the home, so we can be in and settled before the holidays.
We did our transfer on July 2nd and played the waiting game for almost 2 weeks. We got our positive beta and even higher numbers 2 days later. We told our families the news @ 5 weeks, but have kept the news to ourselves, beyond that. I am 9 weeks today and feeling morning sickness throughout most of the day, but it's worse in the evening. I feel tired and achy, with cramps here and there. We had our last 2 appts with Dr. P and have moved on to our new OB, Dr. D. I won't have another appt until I am almost 12 weeks, which seems like forever away. I'm taking it very easy, and still taking my Estrodial, baby asprin and prenatal vitamins each night. The PIO shots are coming to an end, only one more week, which I'm both nervous and excited for. I worry that stopping the shots could create an issue, but just have to trust Dr. P's knowledge that my body will be creating enough progesterone on it's own to sustain this pregnancy. Today I have a mix of feelings. I'm happy to be making it this far in a pregnancy, but still anxious, as we miscarried at 9 weeks exactly, last time. Just have to take it one day at a time, and hope this pregnancy is the one that sticks.
We have been updating our current home since February, and then in May decided that we should take advantage of the market being on an upswing and get our house sold. With the plans being in place to do the transfer in July, it gave us time to start looking for a new home in the meantime. After looking all across the valley, we found a new development 3.5 miles from my parents house and instantly fell in love. So we put our money down and got the ball rolling to get everything started. We've sold our house, which turned out much easier/better than we could've ever imagined. We were going to hire an agent to help us list our house, but then decided at the last minute, the day before his contract went into effect, that we really couldn't sell our house right now, with the house not even being built yet. But a week later, the agent called with some buyers who were interested in seeing our house. They made an offer and agreed to let us stay in the home (renting it from them) until our new house is built. We closed on the house last week and are now renters. They will begin digging next week on our new home, which we are thrilled about! Keeping our fingers crossed that mid-November is when they'll complete the home, so we can be in and settled before the holidays.
We did our transfer on July 2nd and played the waiting game for almost 2 weeks. We got our positive beta and even higher numbers 2 days later. We told our families the news @ 5 weeks, but have kept the news to ourselves, beyond that. I am 9 weeks today and feeling morning sickness throughout most of the day, but it's worse in the evening. I feel tired and achy, with cramps here and there. We had our last 2 appts with Dr. P and have moved on to our new OB, Dr. D. I won't have another appt until I am almost 12 weeks, which seems like forever away. I'm taking it very easy, and still taking my Estrodial, baby asprin and prenatal vitamins each night. The PIO shots are coming to an end, only one more week, which I'm both nervous and excited for. I worry that stopping the shots could create an issue, but just have to trust Dr. P's knowledge that my body will be creating enough progesterone on it's own to sustain this pregnancy. Today I have a mix of feelings. I'm happy to be making it this far in a pregnancy, but still anxious, as we miscarried at 9 weeks exactly, last time. Just have to take it one day at a time, and hope this pregnancy is the one that sticks.
Friday, June 13, 2014
Finding Solace in Others
I came across this posting on Resolve.org and just had to share it. I've found such good support and lots of information by being involved in these message boards and feel as though I've known some of these ladies for a while. Meredith is amazing and has gone through so much towards trying to bring home a baby. Sadly, her journey continues and she's searching for answers. But I can't help but feel grateful that even though my journey is far from over, I still feel hope that the treatments we are about to embark on could work for us. Anyway, this is a post she put on her FB last year and it may as well have been me saying it. 95% of what she's said is words from my own story.
"It’s National Infertility Awareness Week! Let’s celebrate by spreading some awareness. Since I don’t have an actual soapbox, I’ll use Facebook. 1 in 8 couples in the US experience infertility. You know at least one of these couples (<DH> and me), probably more. Our experience has been heartbreaking; treatments have been invasive, painful, and expensive. The hardest part is that nothing has worked and we struggle with the reality that treatments might never work.
During this journey I've encountered some amazing support, for which I am touched and deeply grateful. I have also encountered smart, caring people with serious misunderstandings about infertility and our treatment options. In the interest of raising awareness, I've put together “8 things I wish everyone understood about Infertility.” If you've said something a little foolish to me, please don't take this as a complain. My goal here is to acknowledge that misconceptions exist and to improve the dialogue about infertility.
As a "note" (linked to in the status):
1. Infertility is a medical condition. Reproduction is a biological function. When your body can’t reproduce it is a medical problem that deserves to be treated as such.
2. Our infertility is a physical problem, not a mental one. No amount of relaxing, vacationing, or thinking positively will change the biological problem we’ve encountered. Several people have suggested to me that relaxing might solve our problem. Please believe me when I tell you that there is nothing I can do in my head to solve our problem (same for <DH>). Our doctors suggest in-vitro fertilization (IVF) not vacations or de-stressing.
3. Infertility is exhausting. It is mentally exhausting. I have been “not pregnant” 30 times. Think about trying for something (that you really care about) 30 times. How would you feel on the 31st try? … I think the fact that we can summon the hope required to try again at this point is sort of amazing. Infertility is also physically exhausting. Just since January, I have lost track of the number of times we’ve been to the clinic, not to mention the number of blood draws, transvaginal ultrasounds, injections, medications, and phone conversations with my nurse. My body has been through a lot in the last couple years.
4. Our infertility isn’t anyone’s fault. If you want to know more about our diagnosis and what’s preventing us from conceiving you can ask me; please don’t ask, “Whose fault is it?” Neither one of us did anything wrong and our problem cannot be fixed with lifestyle changes.
5. Infertility can be caused by many different issues. 30% of infertility is caused by a male issue, 30% is caused by a female issue, 20% is unexplained, and the rest is some combination of factors. Within both the male and female categories, there are several possible things that can go wrong. With so many different causes, not every infertility treatment is appropriate for everyone. Please do not assume that we should try whatever worked for your neighbor’s sister.
6. IVF does not always work (and it sucks). IVF is an end-of-the-line, invasive, expensive medical procedure that works about half the time under the best circumstances. There are many couples with much lower odds and many who never have success. I hope it will work for us, but so far it hasn’t. When I tell you, “We’re about to start another IVF cycle.” I appreciate your excitement, but I wish you understood that what I just said was, “Having a baby is going to be very difficult. We’re about to try again with about 6 weeks of treatments. It might not work and it will cost $15,000. Our bathroom counter will be covered in materials for mixing and injecting hormones. I’ll go in for several early-morning transvaginal ultrasounds. I’ll also get about 15 blood draws, recover from a painful egg retrieval surgery, have an embryo transferred back into me, and then at the end I’ll “rest” for ten days while I try not to obsess about what is or is not happening in my uterus. I will be physically and emotionally delicate during and after treatment. <DH> will be worried and will be busy attending appointments, taking care of me, and generally trying to hold it all together. I am incredibly anxious that this cycle will end like all the rest, with disappointment and sadness.” That is what “We’re doing another cycle of IVF.” actually means to me.
7. Infertility treatments can be very expensive. Very expensive like we could have sent our non-existent child to UW for an undergraduate education using the money we spent trying to have a child in the past 12 months. For example, $15,000 for a fresh IVF cycle (including $2500 for meds and $4000 for PGS testing) and $4000 for a frozen embryo transfer cycle. We have good insurance and we reached our infertility cap 4 months into the diagnosis and treatment process. Many people with medical insurance in the US have zero coverage for infertility. Ironically, these high costs encourage patients to make riskier decision which result in a high rate of multiples (twins, etc.), which are ultimately more expensive for insurers and riskier for everyone. In places where coverage is mandatory it pays off in terms of total healthcare costs. I also think it’s wrong to discriminate against this medical condition, but that’s a long discussion... suffice it to say that costs can be prohibitive and I wish there was a wider understanding of exactly what I mean when I say “expensive.”
8. For me, infertility is a Really Big Deal. I have thought about this every day for at least 18 months, sometimes every hour. It has affected my outlook on life, my marriage, really everything. I am surprised by how deeply this experience has shaken me, so I can see why others would have trouble understanding. I will try to explain… I appear to have a biological urge to procreate. When I see a tiny baby I’m pretty sure my uterus actually does a little happy dance. And then I want to cry. Infertility is so frustrating and humbling. This is a problem that I can’t fix by working harder or just finding a way to be better. We can do everything “right,” I can take my medications perfectly and read every relevant book and medical article out there, and still have cycle after cycle fail. It feels wickedly unfair. Cycle failures feel like a loss. It is the loss of a baby who only existed in my head. The loss of being able to decide when we have kids (we started trying when I was 28, I’m 31 now). The loss of being able to choose how many kids we have. The loss of the joy and excitement that I used to associate with deciding to have a baby. Infertility makes me feel powerless and sad. It’s a constant struggle to try to keep those emotions from crowding out the goodness and the joy in my life. I believe that we’ll find some path to happiness, but right now the path we’re on is scary, twisted, and just plain cruel.
Thank you for reading all this. I hope it furthers the conversation and awareness about infertility. If you have questions please ask. Although I complained about some of the stupid advice I’ve gotten, I really do think that the dialogue is helpful. I’ll assume that your questions come from an honest, caring place and I’ll answer accordingly. Just to get this out of the way, though… elevating your hips after sex doesn’t make a difference. ;-)"
-Meredith
"It’s National Infertility Awareness Week! Let’s celebrate by spreading some awareness. Since I don’t have an actual soapbox, I’ll use Facebook. 1 in 8 couples in the US experience infertility. You know at least one of these couples (<DH> and me), probably more. Our experience has been heartbreaking; treatments have been invasive, painful, and expensive. The hardest part is that nothing has worked and we struggle with the reality that treatments might never work.
During this journey I've encountered some amazing support, for which I am touched and deeply grateful. I have also encountered smart, caring people with serious misunderstandings about infertility and our treatment options. In the interest of raising awareness, I've put together “8 things I wish everyone understood about Infertility.” If you've said something a little foolish to me, please don't take this as a complain. My goal here is to acknowledge that misconceptions exist and to improve the dialogue about infertility.
As a "note" (linked to in the status):
1. Infertility is a medical condition. Reproduction is a biological function. When your body can’t reproduce it is a medical problem that deserves to be treated as such.
2. Our infertility is a physical problem, not a mental one. No amount of relaxing, vacationing, or thinking positively will change the biological problem we’ve encountered. Several people have suggested to me that relaxing might solve our problem. Please believe me when I tell you that there is nothing I can do in my head to solve our problem (same for <DH>). Our doctors suggest in-vitro fertilization (IVF) not vacations or de-stressing.
3. Infertility is exhausting. It is mentally exhausting. I have been “not pregnant” 30 times. Think about trying for something (that you really care about) 30 times. How would you feel on the 31st try? … I think the fact that we can summon the hope required to try again at this point is sort of amazing. Infertility is also physically exhausting. Just since January, I have lost track of the number of times we’ve been to the clinic, not to mention the number of blood draws, transvaginal ultrasounds, injections, medications, and phone conversations with my nurse. My body has been through a lot in the last couple years.
4. Our infertility isn’t anyone’s fault. If you want to know more about our diagnosis and what’s preventing us from conceiving you can ask me; please don’t ask, “Whose fault is it?” Neither one of us did anything wrong and our problem cannot be fixed with lifestyle changes.
5. Infertility can be caused by many different issues. 30% of infertility is caused by a male issue, 30% is caused by a female issue, 20% is unexplained, and the rest is some combination of factors. Within both the male and female categories, there are several possible things that can go wrong. With so many different causes, not every infertility treatment is appropriate for everyone. Please do not assume that we should try whatever worked for your neighbor’s sister.
6. IVF does not always work (and it sucks). IVF is an end-of-the-line, invasive, expensive medical procedure that works about half the time under the best circumstances. There are many couples with much lower odds and many who never have success. I hope it will work for us, but so far it hasn’t. When I tell you, “We’re about to start another IVF cycle.” I appreciate your excitement, but I wish you understood that what I just said was, “Having a baby is going to be very difficult. We’re about to try again with about 6 weeks of treatments. It might not work and it will cost $15,000. Our bathroom counter will be covered in materials for mixing and injecting hormones. I’ll go in for several early-morning transvaginal ultrasounds. I’ll also get about 15 blood draws, recover from a painful egg retrieval surgery, have an embryo transferred back into me, and then at the end I’ll “rest” for ten days while I try not to obsess about what is or is not happening in my uterus. I will be physically and emotionally delicate during and after treatment. <DH> will be worried and will be busy attending appointments, taking care of me, and generally trying to hold it all together. I am incredibly anxious that this cycle will end like all the rest, with disappointment and sadness.” That is what “We’re doing another cycle of IVF.” actually means to me.
7. Infertility treatments can be very expensive. Very expensive like we could have sent our non-existent child to UW for an undergraduate education using the money we spent trying to have a child in the past 12 months. For example, $15,000 for a fresh IVF cycle (including $2500 for meds and $4000 for PGS testing) and $4000 for a frozen embryo transfer cycle. We have good insurance and we reached our infertility cap 4 months into the diagnosis and treatment process. Many people with medical insurance in the US have zero coverage for infertility. Ironically, these high costs encourage patients to make riskier decision which result in a high rate of multiples (twins, etc.), which are ultimately more expensive for insurers and riskier for everyone. In places where coverage is mandatory it pays off in terms of total healthcare costs. I also think it’s wrong to discriminate against this medical condition, but that’s a long discussion... suffice it to say that costs can be prohibitive and I wish there was a wider understanding of exactly what I mean when I say “expensive.”
8. For me, infertility is a Really Big Deal. I have thought about this every day for at least 18 months, sometimes every hour. It has affected my outlook on life, my marriage, really everything. I am surprised by how deeply this experience has shaken me, so I can see why others would have trouble understanding. I will try to explain… I appear to have a biological urge to procreate. When I see a tiny baby I’m pretty sure my uterus actually does a little happy dance. And then I want to cry. Infertility is so frustrating and humbling. This is a problem that I can’t fix by working harder or just finding a way to be better. We can do everything “right,” I can take my medications perfectly and read every relevant book and medical article out there, and still have cycle after cycle fail. It feels wickedly unfair. Cycle failures feel like a loss. It is the loss of a baby who only existed in my head. The loss of being able to decide when we have kids (we started trying when I was 28, I’m 31 now). The loss of being able to choose how many kids we have. The loss of the joy and excitement that I used to associate with deciding to have a baby. Infertility makes me feel powerless and sad. It’s a constant struggle to try to keep those emotions from crowding out the goodness and the joy in my life. I believe that we’ll find some path to happiness, but right now the path we’re on is scary, twisted, and just plain cruel.
Thank you for reading all this. I hope it furthers the conversation and awareness about infertility. If you have questions please ask. Although I complained about some of the stupid advice I’ve gotten, I really do think that the dialogue is helpful. I’ll assume that your questions come from an honest, caring place and I’ll answer accordingly. Just to get this out of the way, though… elevating your hips after sex doesn’t make a difference. ;-)"
-Meredith
Friday, June 6, 2014
The Reason
I've been on a quest lately to find really good songs. Songs that make me happy, songs that give me my reason to cry the tears I've been holding in for days, songs that pump me up to finish that last mile on my run, songs that bring back wonderful memories. I came across "The Reason" by Hoobastank. I always liked the song, but never really listened to the lyrics. Not all the lyrics apply to what I've been going through, but the chorus seems to get me teary. Even right now, I'm struggling to hold it in, sitting at my desk at work, to write out my thoughts. The chorus makes perfect sense in this fight to bring home a baby and create a future family and home life with W.
As we've been getting closer to our 4th anniversary of trying, at times I can't help but feel if it's worth the fight, stress and heartache to keep working towards a baby. It's hard to keep the negative thoughts away some days. Time seems to crawl by and some days you can't quite figure out why we are working so hard for something that seems so unattainable. But the reason is that baby. Even if I constantly have to adjust my schedule and plans for the future. Even if I have to work hard to keep my head above water and pretend like I'm doing okay to those around me. I can still picture that tiny baby in my arms at the end of this. I can still picture W sitting with our sweet baby, in that comfy lazy boy in the nursery, rocking it back to sleep in the middle of the night. That dream will one day be a reality and I will truly be able to say "And the reason is you".
Then I read a post from my cousin, who has become a dear friend to me in our struggle with IF. She was talking about dealing with her miscarriage(s) and finally figuring out one day what good came from it. And finding the reasons to be happy again. It seemed so perfect for the thoughts that have been swirling around in my head since I downloaded this song last month. I commented to her post and wanted to share the same thoughts here:
"It is SO hard to find anything good in our hardships, while we're going through them. But it is so great to find even just one good thing to come from them. I have a hard time believing that everything happens "the way it's supposed to", but I can believe that things happen for a reason, but it's up to us to find the reasons. My reason isn't the same as your reason and the reason may seem entirely silly or minor to others, but it's our reason and it's our peace that we get from finding that reason."
W and I have been trying to make big decisions together about our future. Job changes and selling our house to buy a new one, are our biggest topics lately. And I can't help but think that even though this week should've been the week we brought our tiny infant home, we may be able to make new plans right now. These plans could change our entire future, and if I'd had this little baby right now, I'd be transitioning into being a stay at home mom. We'd be down to one income and W might not even be considering a job change. We might not even be close to feeling comfortable and ready to move to a new home. In the end, we could figure out that our biggest reason for our plans being turned upside down, was that we needed a new plan. We needed a chance to better our future without the stress of a new baby.
"I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
And the reason is you"
As we've been getting closer to our 4th anniversary of trying, at times I can't help but feel if it's worth the fight, stress and heartache to keep working towards a baby. It's hard to keep the negative thoughts away some days. Time seems to crawl by and some days you can't quite figure out why we are working so hard for something that seems so unattainable. But the reason is that baby. Even if I constantly have to adjust my schedule and plans for the future. Even if I have to work hard to keep my head above water and pretend like I'm doing okay to those around me. I can still picture that tiny baby in my arms at the end of this. I can still picture W sitting with our sweet baby, in that comfy lazy boy in the nursery, rocking it back to sleep in the middle of the night. That dream will one day be a reality and I will truly be able to say "And the reason is you".
Then I read a post from my cousin, who has become a dear friend to me in our struggle with IF. She was talking about dealing with her miscarriage(s) and finally figuring out one day what good came from it. And finding the reasons to be happy again. It seemed so perfect for the thoughts that have been swirling around in my head since I downloaded this song last month. I commented to her post and wanted to share the same thoughts here:
"It is SO hard to find anything good in our hardships, while we're going through them. But it is so great to find even just one good thing to come from them. I have a hard time believing that everything happens "the way it's supposed to", but I can believe that things happen for a reason, but it's up to us to find the reasons. My reason isn't the same as your reason and the reason may seem entirely silly or minor to others, but it's our reason and it's our peace that we get from finding that reason."
W and I have been trying to make big decisions together about our future. Job changes and selling our house to buy a new one, are our biggest topics lately. And I can't help but think that even though this week should've been the week we brought our tiny infant home, we may be able to make new plans right now. These plans could change our entire future, and if I'd had this little baby right now, I'd be transitioning into being a stay at home mom. We'd be down to one income and W might not even be considering a job change. We might not even be close to feeling comfortable and ready to move to a new home. In the end, we could figure out that our biggest reason for our plans being turned upside down, was that we needed a new plan. We needed a chance to better our future without the stress of a new baby.
Friday, May 16, 2014
FET here we come!
I saw my doctor yesterday and he double checked to make sure my cysts have stayed away and existing ones getting smaller. They are, so our plan is still in place. I will begin my BCP on Sunday, then begin my Lupron shots on June 1st. I'll do those until my ultrasound on June 24th, when they'll be able to set an actual transfer date. I am so happy to finally be moving forward and to find my hope again.
I haven't decided for sure, but am thinking I might keep this FET under wraps. I told my older sister about my appointment, and am not going to keep her in the dark. I am going to let her be my support during this and then she can help me find the BEST way to surprise my family. I know we won't be able to keep it a secret until the 12 week mark, so I'm sure we'll tell them right away. But for now, my plan is to act as though the cysts are still there and that we're hoping for a late July transfer...But really? I will know by then if it took and can have fun surprising them. Everyone going through this knows that it sucks with IF, that the element of surprise is completely taken from us. But I'm taking control back! I want this to be a fun time for us, and let these last few months melt away and be forgotten in our bliss. (I know that people in my family know about this blog, so if you know my plan, just tell me you read this post, and you can be in on the surprise too! ;) )
In other news, W and I are now another year older. My bday was on Wednesday (14th) and W's is today. One year older and no where closer to the same goals we had last year. I am always a bit sad when a birthday comes and I feel like we have nothing to show for it. But today, at lunch with W, he pointed out how lucky we are. We found each other and make a good couple. We love spending time together and make each other laugh daily. We are content to just be together every day, and not have to be doing anything fancy. We truly do have so much we want and need, and we aren't in a mountain of debt because of it. We were able to do IVF, along with going on vacation each Jan, before and after IVF, and that's pretty cool. We are working on plan for the future, even before a baby would be here. We are working on a future for after a baby could arrive next Spring. And we are working on it together. We are so blessed. So even though, I hate the idea of moving forward without every single thing I've set my mind to (like a baby), at least I am moving forward with W. These hardships and heartache have only strengthened our relationship and I hope that means will help make us better parents because of it.
I haven't decided for sure, but am thinking I might keep this FET under wraps. I told my older sister about my appointment, and am not going to keep her in the dark. I am going to let her be my support during this and then she can help me find the BEST way to surprise my family. I know we won't be able to keep it a secret until the 12 week mark, so I'm sure we'll tell them right away. But for now, my plan is to act as though the cysts are still there and that we're hoping for a late July transfer...But really? I will know by then if it took and can have fun surprising them. Everyone going through this knows that it sucks with IF, that the element of surprise is completely taken from us. But I'm taking control back! I want this to be a fun time for us, and let these last few months melt away and be forgotten in our bliss. (I know that people in my family know about this blog, so if you know my plan, just tell me you read this post, and you can be in on the surprise too! ;) )
In other news, W and I are now another year older. My bday was on Wednesday (14th) and W's is today. One year older and no where closer to the same goals we had last year. I am always a bit sad when a birthday comes and I feel like we have nothing to show for it. But today, at lunch with W, he pointed out how lucky we are. We found each other and make a good couple. We love spending time together and make each other laugh daily. We are content to just be together every day, and not have to be doing anything fancy. We truly do have so much we want and need, and we aren't in a mountain of debt because of it. We were able to do IVF, along with going on vacation each Jan, before and after IVF, and that's pretty cool. We are working on plan for the future, even before a baby would be here. We are working on a future for after a baby could arrive next Spring. And we are working on it together. We are so blessed. So even though, I hate the idea of moving forward without every single thing I've set my mind to (like a baby), at least I am moving forward with W. These hardships and heartache have only strengthened our relationship and I hope that means will help make us better parents because of it.
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