How quickly things can change

The last week has been a hard one for me.  Last Tuesday I started spotting lightly.  I called my nurse and asked her about it.  She told me that it was perfectly fine, as long as it was light, and to keep watching it.  If I wanted to I could come in for an U/S to make sure everything was fine.  The spotting didn't get too bad, but I did start cramping a little that afternoon/evening.

I went to bed that night, and woke up around 1:30 with really bad cramps.  Bad enough that I couldn't get comfortable, and tossed and turned for a while.  I decided to move out to the couch at 3:00 am, and figured I'd call later that morning to get an appt for an U/S.  But then I felt a gush of blood, along with clots.  I started crying and called W, who was out of town.  I told him I was sure I was miscarrying and just cried.  He was pretty upset and sad.  He said he'd see if he could possibly leave a day early to come home.  We hung up and tried to get more sleep, but neither of us were really able to.  He called again at 6:00, and said they were packing up to come home.  I waited until 8 and called to set up my appt.  The nurse told me not to worry just yet, because it didn't mean I was miscarrying.

I went in at 10:00 that Wednesday morning.  The dr was quick to get things moving, and found the heart still beating on our little one.  He pointed out that I had a subchorionic hemorrhage, which can cause spotting and cramping, but wasn't anything to worry about.  I left there very relieved and cried in the car.  I took the day off from work to take it easy.  W was driving home still and I hung out with my mom and sister for the day.  Once W got home I headed home to hang out with him.

I had been cramping throughout the afternoon and my tylenol wasn't helping at this point.  W and I sat on the couch talking about it all and saying how grateful we were that things were okay.  I had a couple more small gushes of blood and told W I don't know how I'm going to stay sane if this bleeding keeps up like this.  The cramps were bad enough that I decided to get in the tub, and had W put the shower head right on my pelvis.  It did help to ease the pain for a while.  But at 6:00 I had a very large clot, including fleshy stuff, come out.  W and I both freaked out at seeing such a large clot and decided we'd better save it in a plastic bag.  I passed another big clot and then the bleeding wouldn't stop.  At about 6:30, we realized this was bad.  I tried to put on 2 different pairs of underwear, before soaking through them in less than a minute.  W called the on call doctor who told us to go to the ER.

W got towels set up in his car and I was able to hurry and get dressed and grab a few things to head to the hospital.  Lots of bleeding and clots kept passing on our way to the hospital.  W had them bring out a wheel chair for me so I wouldn't have to walk in with blood on me.  I'm so glad I was in a wheel chair, because I got sick really quickly after waiting in the waiting room.  I started throwing up and then feeling really sick and passed out.  They were able to get me back to a room pretty quickly and hooked up to an IV.  I soaked through 6 layers of towels, along with my clothes and the pads/wash clothes I had on.  The bleeding continued as the doctor did an exam, which was not a fun experience.  They had given me medicine for the nausea, but I didn't have anything for the pain.  The exam hurt a lot, and the doctor wasn't as gentle as he could've been.  I got some morphine and felt comfortable for a little bit.  We went back for an U/S and the tech said there was no longer a heartbeat.  It was so crazy to me that 8 or 9 hours later things had changed so much.

As we waited for all the test results to come back, I started feeling sick again.  My IV was empty and I had already pushed the button to have the nurse come back in to give me more medicine.  W gave me a bag and I sat up to throw up.  It all came on so suddenly that W decided to hurry and grab a wash cloth to help cool me down.  As he moved from the bed, I passed out and hit my ear on the side rail of my bed.  By the time I came to, he already had me in his arms apologizing for walking away for a second.  The RN didn't seem too concerned by it, just hooked up the IV bag and left again.  W just kept saying he felt so bad, but he was doing more than enough to try and help.

The ER doctor came back in to let us know that the sac had already passed, and so my bleeding should've stopped by now.  They called in their OB/GYN, Dr. N to do a D&C on me.  Dr. N was so nice and I felt comfortable with him right away.  He was so sorry for us and explained what he was going to do.  Once his team was there, they wheeled me back for the surgery.  The nurse was so sweet and kind.  She reminded me a lot of my mom, which I was so grateful for at that time.  They had to put a tube down my throat, since I'd eaten a banana on the way to the hospital.  I was already knocked out at the time, but they had to wake me up to help them get it out.  My throat was sore and my mouth was so dry.  The post surgery nurse was also wonderful.  She made me comfortable and was also so sweet about such a rough thing.

We don't have an answer as to what could've been the cause.  We are told this is such a rare occurrence.  That the hemorrhage is perfectly normal and really shouldn't have been the cause.  Dr. N pointed out that we really only had a 5% chance of miscarrying when we did.  While I could choose to focus on the negative of it, I have to hope that means it won't happen again in the future.  I emailed Dr. P about it and he said that an important thing to remember is that when we miscarry it is our bodies way of rejecting a potentially bad set of chromosomes.  He also said that we have great percentages of success in the future with our frozen embryos.

I can't end the post without also sharing how great W was to me.  I am so grateful that he was home to be with me, and feel like maybe there was a reason I didn't miscarry any sooner.  He didn't get grossed out with all the blood that I lost.  He was there to comfort me the whole time and really helped me feel comfortable.  He answered text messages from my mom and sisters, and kept them updated the whole night.  He cried with me and held my hand.  He kept kissing my forehead and cheek and making sure I was okay.  I am so lucky to have him with me through this.  If there is one good thing I can find to come out of it, is feeling more and more close to him through it all.  We are in this together, and of course it's hard, but I really can get through anything with him at my side.  I love him so much and feel that same love from him.

8 weeks 5 Days and Sick

I just wanted to document the steps that are coming along with this pregnancy.  I had been feeling a little bit nauseous in week 7 into 8, but nothing like what I feel like lately.  Starting right about the beginning of week 8, the sickness has definitely gotten worse.  I feel car sick all the time, and it becomes worse in the afternoon into the night.  I haven't thrown up yet, so I am grateful for that.  W has been out of town since Wednesday (which was 8 weeks for me) and so I've felt a bit miserable in dealing with it alone.  I've felt more tired than usual, and some days are worse than others.  I've gained one pound so far, and feel bloated and a bit uncomfortable in regular jeans.

But on the bright side, it reminds me of being pregnant and makes me grateful that everything seems to be normal thus far.  I'll take being sick, as hard as it is to deal with.

I got to tell my last brother we are pregnant on Friday night, which was fun.  I love having reactions from people who are surprised by it all.  Going through IVF is definitely a different experience to go through.  It takes away the element of surprise, but I wouldn't have changed it.  I am grateful that I chose to share with those closest to me, as the support I got was so helpful in the process.  But I do feel a little bit ripped off in the joys that surprising everyone brings.  I still keep trying to think of ways to still add the element of surprise in, with maybe a gender reveal party or something of the like.

8 weeks and the heart beat

I couldn't let this week end without writing my thoughts on this week.  What a wonderful week it was!  I'd been counting down the days to Tuesday and feeling a mixture of excitement and nervousness.  Nervous that this embryo hadn't actually taken ahold correctly, that we could have a ectopic or chemical pregnancy.  But excited to finally see if we had a healthy baby growing or maybe identical twins.  Excited to see our little peanut and hear the heart beat.

Tuesday came and it was perfect.  W and I met at the office and they called us right back.  Checked my stats and had me change.  Dr. P must've been just as anxious as us, because he was ready to come in before I had a chance to sit down and cover up.  We started the ultrasound and immediately saw our little ONE up on the screen.  It is already moving around and was so cool to see.  Dr. P pointed out the heart beat for us to see.  They did all the measurements, and everything looks great!  It's measuring right on schedule.  Then he moved on to what he called the fun part, hearing the heart beat.  And it was incredible!  I've never heard something so amazing in my life!  I immediately started crying and grabbed W's hand.  I am just in awe of it all.  I can't believe I'm carrying a tiny little baby around.

A couple other cool things from the appt with Dr. P.  He asked who our regular OB/GYN is going to be.  I told him Dr. D and he said, "Oh A?  She's great, you'll love her.  Her dad was also an OB/GYN.  Please tell her hello for me when you see her."  He gave both me and W a hug after the ultrasound and told us he wants us to bring the baby back in to see after it's born.  We gave him a pair of BYU socks and wrote a thank you card.  I am genuinely sad to leave the UCRM, as they've been so incredible to us.  I feel so much gratitude to them for helping us get to this point.  We are getting to experience the dream of getting pregnant and planning for our family and it's such an incredible feeling.  I've felt so emotional all week...I'm sure it's the hormones, but I feel so thankful for how things are going in our life right now.  I can't wait for each milestone to pass and to meet this little one.  We already love it so much.

I decided to tell the rest of my siblings this week, as well.  We told J&M on Saturday and got a sweet reaction from M, who jumped up out of her chair to hug me.  I told my oldest brother on Wednesday and got the "Oh that's good!  I almost bought you a BYU onsie the other day, but wasn't sure if you were all done with the IVF or not."  I told my youngest brother that night and I think his reaction is my favorite so far.  He looked so surprised and said are you serious?  And gave me the best hug!  I asked if he wanted to see the ultrasound pictures and he was so excited to see them.  I just have one last brother to tell this weekend, and I'm excited to see his reaction too.  J is an awesome uncle and our niece and nephew adore him.

So now we just have 4 more weeks in the first trimester.  And 3 weeks till we meet Dr. D and get to see our little peanut again. 

The Results

Beta #1 was done on Saturday morning.  W and I woke up bright and early and went to get my blood drawn.  We hung out at home, hoping the time would go by faster.  We watched a movie and then decided to get started on some yard work, instead of sitting around.  That's when the call came.  It was good news!  My beta number was 371, which is fantastic!  The nurse gave me instructions to continue on with the progesterone injections and Estrace pills.  She told me I needed to come in for another blood draw on Monday morning, to make sure the number is rising.  And to schedule a viability U/S with Dr. P in a couple of weeks.  She congratulated us and hung up.  I jumped into W's arms and cried with him for a second.  We both couldn't wipe the grin off our face for a couple hours.

I hung out with my sisters that night.  They both knew we'd had the test that morning, and so I tried to go into the night with my best poker face, so I could still try to surprise them.  I said: Okay, I'll tell you what the nurse said, then we can continue on with the night.  She gave me the number and said she'd like me to come in again on Monday to see if the number gets any better.....Because we're pregnant!  Both sisters were teary eyed and said they thought I was going to give bad news!  I love when I am a good actress!  They asked why I wasn't crying, and I told them I think I'm just too shocked my it all right now.

We told my parents the next night, after everyone had left their house.  I just simply said: Do you guys want to be grandparents in May or June?  And got teary hugs from them, and my dad also saying why aren't you crying, and I am?  Ha Ha.  But truth is, I was feeling anxious about Monday's numbers.  It seems too good to be true, what if the numbers don't rise?  But I still wanted to share the news with them, knowing that my mom was waiting for the results too.  Dad went out and picked some apples for me to eat, and said that I need to make sure I'm better at eating fruits and vegetables now that I've got his grand baby growing in there.  Ha Ha.  Makes me happy thinking of their reactions again.

Monday I got another blood draw.  I asked the girl taking my blood what they'd like to see, she said they want the numbers to double.  She said my 371 number is really good, and I should be happy with those results.  I felt anxious waiting for the results, and tried to stay busy at work.  I got the call just before lunch and the number was fantastic!  It more than doubled up to 768!  So we really are good and pregnant and I'm thrilled.

I got my girlfriends together on Monday night to share the good news.  I downloaded an app on my phone and am starting to feel more giddy about it all.  Today, I am 5 weeks pregnant.  Yes, it's still early, but I feel so good and at peace with it all.  I am going to continue to take it easy, not start running again, just yet.  I won't be drinking caffeine or doing anything I think could create a bad environment for this little baby.  I want to do everything I can, to ensure I create the best home for this little "Afro Baby", as we've started calling it.

Transfer Done

We went in for my transfer on Monday morning (9/16/13) and got a picture of our 2 strongest embryos.  It is pretty cool to see.  The doctor told us we still had 12 embryos, but there was 2 that had already slowed down in splitting, so to expect them to not survive.  He asked us how many embies we wanted to implant.  Told us with one, which he recommends, he'd give it a 55-60% chance of working, and still have a 3-11% chance of the embryo splitting to give us identical twins.  If we were to put in 2, he said the odds of twins was 40%, but along with that comes the big risks of having twins.  Premature birth, breath troubles, ADD, autism, learning disabilities.  We had already planned on just putting in 1, so that's what we did.  He chose the strongest one, with the "afro", as we called it.  There was a dark sort of thing on the outside, that resembled hair, which they explained was a really good thing.  It was a cell that helps to keep bacteria and bad cells away from the embryo. (Side note: we had 6 embryos by this point.  So 5 are now frozen.)

After they were done, they gave us a picture of the embryo in my uterus.  I started to ask him if they knew what side the embryo was at, meaning would I know which side it implants on?  Before I could finish, he said "It's a boy, congratulations."  Which cracked me and Will up.  I love that we can joke around with Dr. P and feel so much confidence in him.  As he was leaving, I said I wish I could give you a hug right now.  He said You can give me a hug when I see you at your first pregnancy ultrasound.  He gives us so much hope that this will work.

I spent Monday and Tuesday on strict bed rest.  I had lunch brought to me by my sisters.  Lazed around and caught up on shows.  Wednesday, I took it easy but wasn't confined to bed.  My friends came over to do crafts and brought me lunch.  It was so nice all the texts and phone calls from my friends and family.  It's so nice to have so many people rooting for us and wanting this to work, just as much as we do.  I can't wait for the test and for it to finally be positive and stick!  It's going to be an exciting time in our lives.  I'm choosing to be positive and happy that it will work.  I would be crushed regardless, so why carry doubt around now?  This is going to work!  We'll have us a baby by June!

Our baby embies!

I got the call from the Embryologist this morning.  He said we have 12 embryos growing right now!  We had 17 eggs, and only have lost 5 so far!   I couldn't be happier!  He'll call us on Sunday to give me an update on our embies and set a time for the transfer on Monday!  It almost feels too good to be true, but I'm going to choose to revel in this happiness!  Things are working out so well, I'm so pleased!

Egg Retrieval

The egg retrieval is done!  W and I went at 7:30 to our clinic.  They brought me back and had me get changed into a gown, got my IV started and then went over everything with Dr. J.  They brought me back to a room with a chair with stirup pedals on either side.  Then tilted me way back, leaving me rather exposed, ha.  They gave me some medicine, that made me "forget" or think I was asleep the whole time.  At one point I "woke" up and felt a little bit of pain.  I could see there was 3 doctors working on me, and when I stirred one of them put their hand on my knee, and the nurse rubbed my shoulder.  It was really comforting to have them there.  Once they were done, they brought me back to my recovery room, which I don't remember going to.  I remember W coming in, and thought I fell asleep for a time, but later found out I must've closed my eyes for a couple minutes, because I was talking to W about how it went, etc.  He said I couldn't stop smiling the whole time we were in the room, but I just felt so happy to have that part over with!  They had me eat some crackers and drink some juice and then let me get dressed to go home.  I felt a little bit sore, and tired, but couldn't stop feeling so happy!

I told W later last night that I love the staff at our clinic.  As we start in the recovery room, before even doing the retrieval, the receptionist walked in the back door to clock in and immediately grinned and waved.  As we were leaving (they wheeled me out in a wheelchair), the doctor was so sweet to notice and say goodbye, as well as one of the nurses reached out to grab my hand and say good luck!  I feel so much love and support from people who do this daily.  I'm just another patient, but they have done so well at making me feel as though I'm the only person there.  They are rooting for this to work, and it's so nice having such a great team on my side.

After we got home, W got ready to go into work and I got all my meds together and made myself an inclining bed in our bed, since I couldn't lay flat yesterday.  I ate my little donuts and sipped on my gatorade.  I was able to sleep for a couple hours, then moved over to the couch and got comfortable there.  My sister K came over with fries and a shake and we watched The Sound of Music.  W decided to stay late since K was hanging out with me.  I realized a little after 6, that it was time for my first progesterone shot and realized I was going to have to do the shot myself.  We got everything ready, looked at the instruction video a couple times.  I got the inject site ready, but couldn't make myself jam the 2 inch needle into my butt.  So K stepped up and did the shot for me.  It was a funny thing, as she jammed it in and made me start giggling.  I tried to control it, since she couldn't concentrate enough to do the injection, but kept starting up again a few seconds later.  The spot is pretty sore today, like a good bruise on the muscle.  I'm really hoping we don't have to do the progesterone injections for too long.  I'm hoping we can do the suppositories after all the Lupron is out of my system.  It will make life a whole lot easier, knowing W will soon be travelling for work and I don't know that I'll ever be able to do these shots on myself.

They got 17 eggs yesterday, which was so exciting to hear!  I'll hear from the embryologist tomorrow about how many survived into embryos and when the day of transfer will be.  I'm really hoping for a good amount of embryos, and would really like to do a 5 day transfer on Monday with Dr. P.  For now, I'm reveling in having one big hurdle crossed and being one step closer to being pregnant!

Girlfriends

I wanted to write a quick post about how great of girlfriends I have.  I had my group of high school girlfriends over to my house on Friday night.   All of us girls have been friends since high school, some of us since Jr. High.  We may not see each other more than a couple times year, at times, but we never miss a beat.  We always pick back up where we left off and have the best time.  Friday was no exception!  I am so grateful to have them as my friends and the night couldn't have gone better.

We enjoyed dinner and lots of talking and laughing.  They asked about our IVF cycle and listened to me ramble on about details that most people never even think about.  After dinner B did my Chakra balance, which was so healing and wonderful.  She asked me to say a prayer on my own before we did it, and I did asking for an open mind and for a chance to heal from my past pain and hurt.  To move forward and would know what steps to take.  I also asked for a blessing on the cycle that it could work, but that if it still isn't our time, then to help me not hold onto anger and bad feeling surrounding it.  Help us to heal and to move forward towards having our family.

B's blessing during the balance said a lot of the same things.  She pointed out feelings I've been holding onto that really made me release a lot of anger and hurt I've been feeling for a long time.  It was a pretty amazing prayer she said and I immediately felt a weight lifted off my chest, in my stomach and on my shoulders.  I felt like my girlfriends had a chance to see a little bit into what I've felt for over 2 years now.  I was able to hug each of my friends and feel so much love from them.  How grateful I am to have them through this journey!

After the chakra balance we stayed together talking and laughing and enjoying the evening.  We had lots of yummy food, lots of laughs and a few tears shed together.  I loved it and feel like it did wonders for my heart and mind.  At the end of the evening. B got out some essential oils and went over the ones she loves and uses the most.  She gave us all samples of what she had and let us ask about things that we could use each day. 

On Saturday I woke up feeling so great!  The bruises on my stomach didn't seem to hurt as bad and my mood was so happy and light.  I really do think that girlfriends and a prayer we share together can make a world of difference.  I'm def going to require we all get together more often, because I'm not the only one going through ups and downs in life, and I want everyone to get a chance to experience how good I am feeling.

Progressing nicely

We had our final monitoring ultrasound this morning.  Got to meet Dr. J, who was fantastic, and she said everything looks great.  She had me get my blood drawn to check my Estradiol levels (which ended up being 4103) and went over our next steps.  The nurse just called to let us know that we will do our Lupron trigger tonight and will do our egg retrieval on Wednesday morning.  I'm nervous, but I'm so excited!  Things are moving quickly and that just means less time to sit and wait.  The waiting will come later, after the transfer and we do the 2 week wait to know if it worked or not.

So our stimulation injections are done!  We had an U/S on Saturday with Dr. H and started the Cetrotide on Saturday night.  That was an experience in itself.  There was a football game that night, so I'd talked to my dad about how to get the cooler near the stadium, so I could go give myself the injections during the game.  He talked to my uncle, who would be driving my grandpa down and be parking in the parking lot with his pass.  W and I got the shots and supplies all ready and I dropped the cooler off at my uncles house before the game.  But the game was delayed by 2 hours for weather, so I felt a bit of anxiety in needing to be sure I got the shots done on time.  But it worked out perfectly.  The rain lessened, the kick off time was re-announced and we made our way to the car.  Hurriedly rushed people off to the game, so I could break open the cooler and "sneakily" get my injects done.  It was a sight to see, with alcohol wipes open and wrappers from different needles and all the shots ready to go, on the seat.  At one point I was drawing my syringe full of one of the meds, and my cousin came back to the car to drop something off...Don't know if he has any idea what's going on, but I didn't have time to care much, ha ha.  But we only had 2 days of doing 3 injections, which W was thrilled about.

We'll do our Lupron trigger shot tonight at 8:00 PM.  Tomorrow night, after dinner I will take my Doxycycline, then no food/drink after midnight.  Wednesday morning, we're to arrive at 7:30.  W is to take his last Doxycycline before we go.  I'll go in for my retrieval, and he'll leave his sample.  I'll rest for about an hour after, then go home to rest for the remainder of the day.  I'll continue my Doxycycline until the transfer, and will also take a med called Cabergoline.   I'll find out more then, about when they expect the retrieval date to be.  But I'm hoping for a Sunday or Monday transfer. I'll also start taking Estrace (Estradiol) and progesterone in oil for the first trimester of my pregnancy, but start the day of the retrieval.

Blog Reading

I found this blog called Hakuna Matata (yes the song is always in my head when I read it) and the girl is so funny.  I feel like she and I truly would be friends, aside from all this infertility crap we deal with.  And not only is she funny, but she can put into words the things I've felt so many times, and makes me feel not so alone.  This post brought up some memories of my own, and I just wanted to remember the post.

http://auntmimi2010.blogspot.com/2012/10/screw-you.html

As much love as I have for my niece and nephew, I do feel a sense of sadness at times, that I don't have that yet.  I want to play in the yard on summer nights, or cuddle to watch a movie or break out the coloring books and crayons and spend an evening doing those simple things with my own kids.  I know that we're getting closer to having that...But I can't say it's here yet, so that sadness still lingers. 

We had our first *real* IVF monitoring ultrasound today with Dr. H.  I really liked him and his gentle manner.   I've got follies growing (I forgot the paperwork on the nurse's desk, so I don't have an exact number.) on both sides and will continue on with my injections as is.  I go back on Saturday morning to see how things are progressing.  It's exciting to see those follies up on the screen, and I am so hopeful that we'll get lots of big, healthy follies for my eggs to grow in.  I just keep thinking that the tender stomach, the cramps and headaches will all be worth it in the end, if I can just have a good outcome.  I'm ready for my take home baby...and will do whatever it takes, and spend more money to get there.

And...We're off!

What a crazy week this past week was!  Last Monday, after realizing that our IVF cycle was too close to our once a year inventory, I called to talk to the nurse about the possibility of missing 9/27.  She said it was a very good possibility that we'd do the transfer on the 25th or 26th, meaning I'd be on bed rest on the 27th, and would miss work.  So I called my boss (who was off that day) and asked him how he felt about me possibly missing inventory.  I was really upset already, but it didn't show him how important it was for me to keep my cycle as is, instead of waiting another month.  He told me that he needed me there to help with the computer side of inventory and didn't know what he'd tell the rest of the employees as to why Darla got to miss inventory, but they couldn't.  I explained it all and that it looked like I'd have to wait another month to do the cycle with my doctor and he said "It's just another month."  To him it's another month, but to me it was feeling like a failed cycle and was crushing me.  I spent the rest of the day on the verge of tears, and crying outside.  I felt sad that we'd have to wait longer and angry that my boss wasn't showing any sort of empathy towards the situation.  I've had the cycle planned for almost 2 months, and the date for inventory was just set the week before.  I felt like my boss doesn't truly have respect for me or cares about the work that I put in.  He's only concerned about himself and how much of the load he'll have to take on and how he will have to answer to the others that work with us.  But he could've said we could look into finding a way to make it work.  We could have someone from our corporate office come out to help, we could have he and I do the computer side of inventory later in the weekend.  But that's not the way it went.  I will just do my job and hope that the dedication I've shown pays off.

On Tuesday, I tried to call first thing in the morning to talk to my nurse about possibly being moved into the soonest IVF cycle, so I could still have Dr. P do my Embryo Transfer.  She didn't call me until 2:30, and by then my doctor was already gone and I had to wait until the following day to hear back about it.  I was anxious and nervous all day, and once again didn't get a call until about 1:30 and she said that Dr. P and Dr. J, who will be the doctor over my cycle, both ok'd us to join this cycle.  So I took my last BC Pill last Wednesday.  On Friday we had our first appt, and paid the $8900 for the cycle.  We had an ultrasound with a different doctor.  He found a follicle on my right ovary, which he said needed to be checked out to see if it was still active.  On my left ovary he found a cyst, that he thought was filled with endometrosis.  He said he needed to get in contact with Dr. P and we could possibly have to wait to start our cycle if things didn't look right. 

We met with Nurse H, and went over the medications and ultrasounds we'd have starting on 9/2.  She called it all in and sent us over to the hospital to get the meds ($1600.00 worth of meds!), and get blood drawn from the lab.  I wasn't sure what to feel...I couldn't quite believe that after all the chaos and headache to get in to this cycle, we could have it be cancelled.  I felt annoyed that I'd never had anyone point out a endemetrosis cyst to me before, when it's been there since June.  But I was starting to worry that my Estrodial levels would be high, and they'd make us wait longer to start.  But W and I went on with our plans.  We got ready for our weekend camping trip and figured we'd find out later in the weekend, when I got my voicemail, whether or not we'd continue with this cycle.  But on our way to camp, I got the call from Nurse H, who said that the estrogen level was less than 20 and we were good to go!  It made me feel so relieved and happy!  Now we could really enjoy our weekend!

Enjoy the weekend we did.  We found a great spot camping, enjoyed a couple more nights of adult beverages and time together.  Then we came home and got some things done around the house.  I had my last coffee yesterday and it was so yummy!  Then yesterday evening we did our first shots.  W and I worked together to get the Repronex all ready and W gave me the shot.  That one stung a bit going in, and was a little tender after, but today I really feel the tenderness that shot left behind.  I decided to wear a skirt, and I am glad I did.  I think jeans would be pressing on the spot more and making me quite uncomfortable.  We also did a shot of Gonal F, which wasn't bad at all.  We'll do the Repronex and Gonal F the entire time.  Then after our Thursday U/S, they'll possibly change dosages of that, and add in Cetrotide to the mix.  This will help me not ovulate, until they are ready for me to.  Once they are ready for me to ovulate and do the Egg Retrieval, they'll have me use Lupron as my trigger shot.  Then I get the joy of doing progesterone injections for a good long time.  But, whatever gets us a take home baby, I'll do it!

One more month

We only have about a month to go...I'm counting on 9/18 to be the egg retrieval day, so to me we are less than a month away, but the embryo transfer won't happen until a few days after that.  We have our first U/S and appt with the nurse to go over my injections on 9/6.  Then I start my stims on 9/9. So my real process starts in 3 weeks, which makes me nervous and excited! 

I've been trying to find good quotes to print out and put up on my mirror, to keep me motivated and excited throughout this process.  It's hard to stay positive and hopeful about it all, when there are always things that can come up, or the possibility that it won't work.  But the only way to truly go through it, is with hope and staying positive that this is going to work for us. 

I had my blood tested a couple weeks ago, and had the nurse call on Thursday to tell me that I'm not immune to Rubella, so I had to go this morning and get an updated MMR Vaccination.  We are getting it in just in time, since I can't get pregnant for 30 days after the shot.  W had his Freeze and Store on Friday, so we really are ready to go!

I have my last half marathon on Saturday and am feeling a bit sad about that.  I haven't done my best at training my hardest for this race.  But I am just going to enjoy the run and be sure I take it all in.  I can't run during the whole IVF process...But I may be able to pick it up again after I get pregnant.  But, I don't think I'll be trying to fit in any other half marathons for the year. 

This whole process has been a bit surreal to me.  I keep thinking back to our cancelled IUI, over 7 weeks ago.  We've had our IVF plan for over a month now, and have another month till it's all said and done.  In some ways time is flying by, and in others it's crawling.  It's so weird doing the whole, "I don't want summer to end."  but then saying "Hurry up and come September!"  I'm already looking forward to December and getting to share happy news at Christmas with our families and friends.  And then I'm looking forward to June, to hopefully having a newborn baby in our home, and enjoying next summer being parents.  I've already got a plan in my head, that I can start running again in July, and maybe running the Big Cottonwood Half marathon, since I had to drop out this year.  But I'm getting ahead of myself, and need to focus on my current steps and go from there.

Waiting to Begin

Time has been crawling.  I'm so anxious to go through the IVF process, so of course time is passing slowly.  I've started reading back through a series of books I love, and trying to think of projects I can work on, to help pass the time.  We still have over a month until the process starts.

We've been slowly starting to tell our immediate families and close friends about our IVF plans, and have been really happy with the reactions we get.  Everyone is so supportive and have made us feel very loved.  Telling my parents was my favorite, so far.  I got a big hug from my teary eyed mom, as if we were announcing we were pregnant already.  When I told them that we weren't going to share the info with everyone, because there's a chance it might not work, my dad's firm response was all I needed.  He just said "It will work." and gave me an approving smile.  I haven't always been that close to my dad, but over the past 5 years we have built a great relationship, and it's times like these that show it.  He has a sense of pride and love that he shows at times I need it the most.  I'm so grateful that they are so supportive and aren't questioning our reasoning for moving forward with this.  I can't wait until I can finally see them with our kids.

I have wonderful girlfriends, that have been friends with me from Jr High and High School.  I told them all at dinner and  they were all immediately letting me know they'd be praying even more for us.  They wanted to know what they could do and have already shown so much support.  They are going to go through a Chakra balance with me a bit before the IVF, and it really makes me feel good to know they are rooting for us too.

We still have yet to tell W's family, as the timing hasn't worked out yet.  But I know they will give us the same support we've gotten thus far and I'm so grateful for that.

I'm into my second week of BC pills, and even though I don't know for sure, I do feel like it's affecting my mood a little bit.  I feel a bit more on edge and tired, and it's the only thing I can really pin point it on.  I've started taking my vitamins; CoQ10. MyoInositol, Vitamin D and my prenatal vitamin.  Wednesday will be my last day to have my morning coffee for a while.  I won't be having any adult beverages, in what I hope will be over a year, starting then too.  I'm willing to do whatever it takes to make this IVF work, and if it makes my chances go up, even a half percent, I'll do it.

IVF Info

We met with our doctor on Wednesday (Which also happened to be our 5th anniversary.)and talked about IVF.  It was really nice to have Dr. P point out that our chances go up from the normal average of 60-65% success, to 70-75%, because my eggs are so fabulous.  If we can't know what is wrong with us, and have to deal with "unexplained infertility" we may as well get to have great numbers, right?  The only problem with having such great numbers is how well my body could respond to the injections.  I am at risk for Ovarian Hyperstimulation Syndrome, which can make the whole process that much more painful and risky.  It's very rare to come across really bad cases of OHSS, which puts my mind at ease.  But even the last 2 weeks of dealing with achy cramps and other side effects from the 2 days of Gonal F, have me wondering how bad the pain will get?  At the end of the day, I'll do whatever it takes, and I'll do my best to grin and bear it.  One other thing he pointed out, each pregnancy has about a 6-7% risks involved, including high blood pressure, etc.  With IVF pregnancies, your risks double, which means they will monitor you more, the entire pregnancy. 

Dr. P talked about the steps we'll go through and talked about having good communication.  It's pretty cool to now feel like a VIP at our clinic.  Even though I'd rather not be in the club, it's a pretty great feeling, knowing our case is being monitored by so many different people.  They want this to be just as successful as we do.  They know that we are putting a lot of money into it and are making big changes in our lives to ensure we can have a baby.  He told us some stories of some miscommunications they've had in the past, and stressed the importance that no question is too small, that we can call 24/7 and someone will answer.  It does make you realize how important the timing of everything is.  It's important to watch the things that I put in my mouth...Even a simple Homeopathic medication could have bad results or effects on our cycle.  I will be giving up all caffeine.  I will be giving up running.  Luckily, I only have to give up running for a few weeks.  That might be my toughest pill to swallow, thus far.  I know it's for a good thing, and I'd never go against my doctors orders and go run.  But it's been my source of comfort through all these years of heartache, and I've grown to love it and the effects it has on my body and mind.  I will be doing lots of power walking.

So my cycle begins with about a month and a half of birth control pills.  I talk to the nurse today, and we looked at a calendar and were thinking we could do my egg retrieval and embryo transfer the last week of August.  My nurse pointed out that Dr. P has put a note in my chart, requesting to do my transfer.  I asked her if he does that with all his patients and she said he absolutely doesn't.  So it made me realize that I should take the extra attention from a doctor that I have come to truly trust and want to see him from start to finish.  So we pushed it back a couple of weeks, since my doc will be on duty 2 weeks in a row in Sept, and would be able to do both my egg retrieval and transfer, which is very rare.  I feel really good about the schedule I've made up and like the time I have to fully prepare for it.  I can get some things done around the house, before I will be forced to slow down, to ensure the cycle and then hopefully early pregnancy goes smoothly.

So come Sept 4th, the cycle will officially begin.  I will stop taking my BC pills on the 4th.  I will have my first U/S on the 6th and will go over all the medications and injections I'll begin on the 9th.  Egg retrieval will be around the 16-18th, and the transfer will happen 3-5 days after that.  Even though it does seem like it's so far away, it will be here before we know it.  We'll know by the beginning of October if we're pregnant.  It makes me giddy to think about sharing happy pregnancy news with extended family at Christmas!  Then I'd have a June due date, and could miss the heat of the summer that every pregnant woman complains about.  I'm very excited to see what the future holds for us!

Cycle Cancelled

We had our second ultrasound this morning, and it looks like my body reacted a little bit too well to the Gonal F shots.  I had way too many follicles.  So they drew my blood (it only took them 6 tries to finally draw some blood, ha.) and ran a test to check my Estradiol levels.  They wanted them to be in the 400 to 600 range, and then we'd be cleared to go ahead with our IUI on Sunday.  I got a call a couple hours later, from my doctor.  My levels were at 1589, so he gave me 3 choices:  Cancel the IUI, go ahead with the IUI (which he does NOT recommend), or have a Cystaspiration done to remove the excess fluids and cysts from some follicles.  They'd leave 2 good follicles alone and we could go forward with the IUI.  But the operation costs $875 and if they end up having to use IV meds, because the oral meds don't sedate me enough (I'd be awake the whole time, but be sedated.) then it'd tack on another $300.  And there's no guarantee that we'd get pregnant just because of it.  So we decided to cancel this IUI.  We'll have another consult with the doctor on the 10th, which also happens to be our anniversary.  We'll go over our IVF options then.

I really do love our clinic.  I got to have my blood drawn by my doctor, since the other guy wasn't able to get a good vein.  He is the one who personally called me with the results and then said he'd have their program director call me.  When I called for the IVF consult appt, they told me that if I was just a random case or new patient, I'd have to wait until the middle of August.  But since they could see I'd gone through multiple steps and appointments, they moved some things around and are fitting me in in a week and a half.  This actually gives me the time to possibly be able to go ahead with IVF on the next cycle.  I won't know for sure, until we have the appointment, but I think things are looking good.  Then I got a call from the program director who was so nice and willing to go through anything I needed to.  He was so encouraging and that's so nice to feel like they care.  He told me that Dr. P asked that I call him on his cell to talk to him about what I wanted to do with my options.  When I called Dr. P back, he was so cool about it all.  He told me that he thinks this is a great choice to move forward with IVF, as I will be an ideal patient since I respond so well to the drugs.  While I am really bummed about not moving forward right now, I feel a lot of hope that this was just another step in the right direction to getting pregnant.  I think that the clinic wants to do whatever they can to make it happen.

So for now, we will have to use protection to avoid getting pregnant with 6-8 babies.  We are going to relax and enjoy this next week and the 4th of July.  We will look forward to celebrating 5 years of wedded bliss with whatever we want to do, without worrying about hurting the cycle in any way.  We will find the good in this bust of a cycle, because we are willing to stay positive and hopeful that all these steps are putting us closer to a family.

I feel so lucky to have such a great husband in W.  He has been wonderful this week.  He's not complained once about coming to the appointments with me, and really wants to be involved.  He gave me my Gonal F shots both days and keeps me calm throughout it all.  He is so willing to do whatever it takes to put together the money it will take to go through IVF.  He wants a family as badly as I do, and that makes me so happy.  I feel incredibly lucky to be married to such a wonderful man.

Hard Days

The last cycle failed.  All that hope and positivity I had going into it was all a waste of time.  I did everything right and it didn't change anything.  I used Clomid, didn't have any alcohol and tried to be extra conscious of being healthy.  We did our ultrasound, saw that I had 2 big follicles and timed out my trigger shot and IUI perfectly.  I had an actual doctor perform the IUI this time, and she mentioned taking a little bit extra time, since my uterus tilts back.  I laid on the table an extra 5 minutes, and thought "all the others must not have paid any extra attention to my tilted uterus."  I told myself that not only was it going to work this time, but twins were a definite possibility, since the doctor said that Clomid did the job we wanted it to do, by giving me 2 big, healthy follies.

I first took a test last Saturday and cried when it was negative.  I was able to get in a good run with my sister that morning, and while I still felt sad, I know that helped me get through the day.  The next day was Father's Day and I knew I needed to not allow myself to be sad, so I could enjoy the day with family.  When I called the doctors office on Tuesday, the nurse told me that I tested too early and I needed to test again that night.  I tried not to, but my hopes went up a little bit, and then all came crashing down yet again with another negative.  My period started on Wednesday night and I haven't been able to shake all the depression since.  I feel so ripped off and mad.  I don't understand why when everything looks perfect, it still doesn't work?  Why do we have to spend so much money at the chance of getting pregnant, when so many around me don't even know the feeling of failure for even one cycle?  I feel robbed of the joys of a family, that I deserve.  W and I have worked hard to have a good relationship and have created a good home for a family.  But for some reason, it's not in the cards for us yet.

I keep thinking about how close we are to the 3 year mark, since we started trying, and I never thought I'd see this day.  If we'd gotten pregnant right away, we'd likely be trying for #2 right now.  But instead we are still holding onto hope of the idea of a family.  We are starting to realize how much money we could spend on just trying to get pregnant.  While we will do whatever it takes to have a baby, it feels so unfair that we will end up spending thousands of dollars in order to do so.  I want that money for other things.  I want to be able to buy a nicer, bigger home with that money.  I want our car paid off with that money.  I want that money safe in my savings account.  I want this journey to be easier and for the pain to stop.  I want to feel like myself again.  I want to smile when I see a baby, instead of feeling mad/sad that I don't have that yet.  I want to be a mom more than anything, and I want to see W be a dad.  I want us to be a family.

Article

Originally written on 6/18/13

I came across this article in a blog and I think it helps me see that it's okay for me to feel sad/mad about the "advice" or reactions I get from people when they find out about our infertility.  It also helped me remember how great my family and close friends have been throughout this journey.  If I can't have it right now, it's nice to have the encouragement and support from them.

http://www.resolve.org/support-and-services/for-family--friends/infertility-etiquette.html

Overwhelmed

Originally written on 6/18/13

Do you ever feel so overwhelmed with all the things going on in your life, that you can't seem to find a way out?  I'm there right now.  W and I have been doing really good.  We got into a good habit of saving money and were able to do a few things lately, buy his new car using savings for a hefty down payment.  Then we bought a trailer, with straight up cash, which was such a liberating feeling.  But then it seems like all these things pop up that eat up any last bit of savings we had and add on the stress I've always hated. 

Another stupid cycle has failed.  We're out $750 for this month, which only adds to the money stress.  We really are just fine, I just hate feeling like our accounts are low and hate feeling like any big catastrophe could set us back months.  This next cycle will cost us anywhere from $1,000 to $1500.  And there's no guarantee that it will work.  We're just gambling with more hormones and hopefully better timing.  I'm feeling down and out about things today and can't quite get out of this slump.  I want so badly to just be pregnant and to know what our future holds for us.  I want a reason to have good motivation to save money and not feel the need to fill these voids with random, unnecessary purchases.  I want a reason to work hard and a reason to keep pushing myself to be better.  Right now it feels hopeless to keep doing the things I do, day in and day out.

I want to find a purpose for life, and not try and pretend that I'm loving that "it's just the 2 of us, until we're ready."  We're ready now, we've been ready now for 3 years.  I can't get anymore ready and the longer it takes, the more time I have to focus on all the shitty things popping up around me. 

Waiting

Originally written on 6/5/13

All the waiting when TTC is the hardest.  You wait to start your cycle, then you wait to see if you're pregnant or not and then do it all over again.  I always have really good, positive days and then negative, sad days.  I know this is completely normal, but it's hard dealing with the ups and downs.  It's hard to get your hopes so high up, only to come crashing down.  Yet I do it month after month. 

This cycle feels different, for some reason.  I'm sure it's simply because we have tried a different route, of using Clomid and feeling like our timing of the IUI was perfect.  The doctor seemed so pleased with how the U/S looked saying that the Clomid did exactly what it was supposed to do and gave me two good, big sized follicles.  We left the appt, as we always do after seeing Dr. P, feeling so hopeful and sure this is our month!  But we've learned all too often that it doesn't necessarily change anything.  No "feelings" that we get, mean anything.  Today has a little bit of negativity around it.  I can't help but worry that it won't work...What's going to be different this time?  I will do everything in my power to ensure I do what I can do help achieve pregnancy this month and just have to hope that the month long preparation helped.

I've given up having drinks, cut out my morning coffee and any caffeinated sodas.  I've started taking progesterone last night and wonder if this somber/mopey mood is a side effect of the progesterone, honestly.  I've had a migraine and a stiff neck/shoulder since yesterday morning and have just had to deal with Tylenol only taking a bit of the edge off, but not taking away the pain.  I started eating fresh pineapple, since my sister read that it helps with the implantation process.  I have generally given up a social life, to avoid having to tell many people about this cycle.  It's so hard to always feel like I have to keep all this information bottled up and to myself.  But I do want some element of surprise in the end.  But right now, I feel like I'm isolating myself and that could create a barrier with friends and family in the process.   I don't know what the answer is though, do I take the surprise out of it or just hope that those close to me don't hold onto my anti-socialness down the road?  How long will I be doing this?  Will I be pregnant in a couple weeks or will I be continuing to try?

Guess, I'll just wait and see.

New Hope

Originally written on 6/3/13

I have been feeling so hopeful and positive about this month's chance at getting pregnant.  We had a Dr. appt a couple weeks ago and found out that all W's tests look good.  So we really don't have a definite answer of why we aren't getting pregnant on our own.  But, Dr. P suggested a couple other routes we can take with IUI's to better our chances.

So we decided that this month I was going on Clomid.  We went in for an U/S on Saturday to check my follicles and lining.  I have 2 big follicles and a few smaller ones, and my lining looks great!  Dr. P seemed really confident and excited for our chance this month.  We did my 4th IUI this morning (6/3/13) and now will be playing the 2 week waiting game.  I am so positive and hopeful that this month will work.  My fingers are crossed!

Dreaded 30

Things have been going well for us in the last couple of weeks.  We were really disappointed about IUI #3 not working, but really took our "break" to heart and hadn't wasted a lot of time thinking about our next steps.  We are at an in between with waiting on W's test results and not really knowing what our next steps are.  I was feeling pretty carefree and not concerned with any of the baby stuff, until the day before my 30th birthday hit...And it really made me realize, once again, that we didn't have what we wanted by then.  Yesterday and a little bit into today, I've just felt sad that we aren't much closer to where we'd like to be, than we were 2 1/2 years ago.  I know we'll have all of our tests/labs done with and I can only hope we have some sort of answer soon.  I'm hopeful that we won't be in limbo for too long, because I'm starting to get antsy and know there's no way I could possibly take any longer break than this month.  You just can't force yourself to feel okay pushing back trying for something you want so bad.  Hopefully we'll have answers soon and a game plan.

My sweet hubby

I just wanted to write of a couple of sweet things with my hubby.  He went out of town for a couple of days last week, so after he got home Saturday afternoon, we decided to hit up PF Changs and indulge in our favorite dishes.  I felt like we were in another place, away from all normal life.  We had the best time at dinner.  We talked and laughed and were able to talk a little bit about if this IUI doesn't work, what IVF means to us.  He was so sweet about it all.  I can see just how much he wants this to work too.  We both are scared of IVF and the unknown of it all, but I feel so much peace for the future, knowing that I have him by my side.  He is so good to me.  We had such a wonderful weekend, I didn't want it to end.  We snuggled, giggled, held hands, kissed, and talked all weekend long, and it's those types of weekends that let me know that my life isn't bad.  I have so much good, and if it takes us longer to get a baby, that will be okay.  W and I are good company for each other, and in a way I will be sad to have the days of "just the two of us" gone.

On Sunday we went to Scheels, and browsed the entire store.  As we were walking through, we came across baby strollers, and I thought it was incredibly sweet that W immediately stopped to look at them, and even took one for a spin up and down the aisle.  It's so sweet to me that he takes notice of these types of things, and isn't afraid to get a bit googley eyed looking at the stuff and dreaming of our future.  The longer this journey takes, the more and more I see just how good of a dad he will be.  I cannot wait to see him in action, holding our little one and changing their tiny lil' bum.

IUI #3 and IVF Talk

The last couple of days I've been really thinking.  Digging deep, finding myself lost in my thoughts as to what I'm really feeling.  We did IUI #2 in March and it didn't work.  So I got ahold of my doctor to ask what more we could do on our next IUI to help our chances.  He went over the options, that would really only raise our chances 1-2%, but would double the cost of the IUI.  He told me that he doesn't want us to do more than 3 IUI's, so I made the decision to just try this IUI the same as #2 and just hope that it works. 

 Dr. P said that if #3 doesn't work this month, he'd like me to make an appt to see him to go over our next step which will be IVF.  IVF is such a dreaded thing to me.  I truly never thought I'd hear that as an option for us.  You spend so much time being focused on all these little things that could be wrong; timing or maybe missing ovulation here and there.  You follow instructions from doctors, and believe that this month it's going to work.  I've done 6 cycles with Femara, 3 with Progesterone.  I've spent the last year timing out my ovulation with predicter kits.  I've taken prenatal vitamins (That my OB/GYN prescribed) for over a year and all these things were money out of our pocket and down the drain.  I can't honestly say it was all worth it.   Now I am adding 2 failed IUI's and the ultrasound and fertlity drugs we used to the list as wasted time and money.  I guess I don't like to say wasted, because you have to be willing to do what it takes to know if it will work.  But it's really hard to see it as money well spent, when there's nothing to show for it.

With IVF, my thoughts keep coming back to how much time and money we could end up spending on one cycle.  And what if that cycle doesn't work?  How long will it take us to save up for the next one?  How much of my vacation time will be used for treatments, instead of a real vacation?  And will we ever get a real vacation again?  We have been blessed to do things that others will never do, but I've felt like we've earned it for having such a hard time getting pregnant.  Now, I feel like we could have to give up on so much, use savings that we wanted to pay our house down with.  Use savings that we wanted to use as a down payment.  Use savings that could go towards that next getaway to give us a break from the challenges that infertitlity brings.  I'm sure it seems selfish, since I really would do anything to have a baby, but how unfair it still seems that we are even having to think of the future differently.  We've worked hard to save up, hoping that within the first couple years of our kid's life, we'd be able to sell our house and move into somewhere we wanted to be forever.  This could potentially change everything we've ever hoped for.  This could mean we have to stay living in a neighborhood I can't imagine raising kids in.  This could mean I might not get to stay at home with my kids, because our savings is now gone.  Infertility not only changes us personally, but it changes everything in our lives. 

My other thought has been, what if IVF doesn't work?  How many cycles do you really do, and can I ever truly find happiness in giving up that dream of having my own biological kids?  I thought I would adopt with no problems, if I couldn't have kids, but now that I do have the idea in the back of my mind as a possibility, it just doesn't seem right.  No one can truly know how they feel about it, until they've gone through it.  It's not as easy as you think, before getting into it all.  Maybe my mind will be more open to it, should we get to that point of knowing we can't have kids.

Sometimes I feel like I'm living in a dream.  How can this be our life?  How can we have our path changed so many times, when we have no control?   How do we continue to hold onto hope, after 2 and a half years of disappointments?  How do we let go of the anger and sadness and push forward?  It's all so surreal and I don't really like the person I have become throughout all this.  When do I get to try and go back to the way I was before?

I might be jumping the gun, when we really do have one more shot with an IUI.  Maybe 3rd time will be the charm for us?  I just needed to get some things off my chest, so maybe they'll stop running through my mind all day long.  I do feel calm and at peace with this next IUI, so I think I can honestly say I do feel hopeful, but there's also a side of being realistic that won't let me fully believe it's going to work.  We'll know our answer by the end of the month, though.

IUI #1

Did IUI #1 on February 14th.  Was supposed to be able to test yesterday, and after 2 weeks of stressing and hoping, we were excited to finally have it over with.  But, I got a great big disappointment when I started spotting and cramping at work.  I knew by the evening that my period was starting, but decided to test anyway.  It was negative.  It's been a rough 24 hours.

I found out a couple days before that, I don't need surgery that my uterus is just heart shaped.  So that was good news.

Stand Still

My plan didn't go the way I'd hoped.  Our Jan 15th appt showed a Uterine Septum (it happens in 3% of women), which requires surgery to fix.  Instead of getting the trigger shot, we were told to use protection and not get pregnant until further notice.  I had an MRI on the 27th, which confirmed the septum.  Now I'm playing the waiting game; Waiting for the doctor to get the results to me, so I can get the surgery scheduled and out of the way. 

That hope is gone right now, and I'm feeling a lot of different things.  Why couldn't my OB/GYN go through this test a year ago?  Why do I have to feel like 2 years of my life has been wasted on the gamble of it all?  Why did I have to tell myself that everything would be perfect by the time I was 30?  I've set myself up for failure, and can't seem to move past that.  I know things could change, my birthday isn't till the middle of May, but it's hard to think like that right now.  I'm broken, once again.

Blog

I just wanted to post a link to this blog I've been reading a lot lately.  I'm nearing the most recent posts and am getting into dates that stand out to me.  We started trying in November 2010 and by June 2011, I was already starting to feel the effects that infertility brings.  I didn't understand then, why it was taking us so long to get pregnant.  I had a friend really hurt my feelings by saying some things about herself TTC, and feeling like she was already pregnant, and knowing that it was God's way of saying "Finally, here's your baby."  Those words never have left my mind, because it cut deep, even then.  When I read this blog post today, and the letter she wrote to her 2 closest friends, it made me realize that my best friends and possibly even my family, may not really understand what I'm going through.  It's wrong of me to assume that everyone gets that I've changed, because of the heartache and sadness that IF brings.  I want to look back, one day when I am pregnant, and re-read the words that stand out so profoundly to me during my hardest days.  Both links in this blog post are powerful and beautifully written.

http://egghunt.wordpress.com/2011/07/