Stand Still

My plan didn't go the way I'd hoped.  Our Jan 15th appt showed a Uterine Septum (it happens in 3% of women), which requires surgery to fix.  Instead of getting the trigger shot, we were told to use protection and not get pregnant until further notice.  I had an MRI on the 27th, which confirmed the septum.  Now I'm playing the waiting game; Waiting for the doctor to get the results to me, so I can get the surgery scheduled and out of the way. 

That hope is gone right now, and I'm feeling a lot of different things.  Why couldn't my OB/GYN go through this test a year ago?  Why do I have to feel like 2 years of my life has been wasted on the gamble of it all?  Why did I have to tell myself that everything would be perfect by the time I was 30?  I've set myself up for failure, and can't seem to move past that.  I know things could change, my birthday isn't till the middle of May, but it's hard to think like that right now.  I'm broken, once again.

Blog

I just wanted to post a link to this blog I've been reading a lot lately.  I'm nearing the most recent posts and am getting into dates that stand out to me.  We started trying in November 2010 and by June 2011, I was already starting to feel the effects that infertility brings.  I didn't understand then, why it was taking us so long to get pregnant.  I had a friend really hurt my feelings by saying some things about herself TTC, and feeling like she was already pregnant, and knowing that it was God's way of saying "Finally, here's your baby."  Those words never have left my mind, because it cut deep, even then.  When I read this blog post today, and the letter she wrote to her 2 closest friends, it made me realize that my best friends and possibly even my family, may not really understand what I'm going through.  It's wrong of me to assume that everyone gets that I've changed, because of the heartache and sadness that IF brings.  I want to look back, one day when I am pregnant, and re-read the words that stand out so profoundly to me during my hardest days.  Both links in this blog post are powerful and beautifully written.

http://egghunt.wordpress.com/2011/07/

Happy!

I feel incredibly happy today!  W and I went to see our fertility doctor for the first time this morning, and it went so well.  We both took a liking to the office, the nurse who got us started and Dr. P.  He was amazing, kind and personable.  He got right to the point, asking us questions and had answers without having to think about things.  He was so confident, which in turn makes us confident.  He said that he likes to treat his patients as if they were his daughters.  That he would never recommend anything to me, if he didn't think it would help me.  I love that he immediately made me feel at ease, and less of a doctor/patient feeling.  He made sure we understood all the things he was talking about, and went through each option thoroughly.  He gave us time to ask questions and answered them easily.

He is putting W on some vitamins to help his sperm be healthy and told him to cut back on coffee, as well as gave him a prescription to quit smoking for good.  No more of this back and forth stuff.  W seems ready to make the change and I think having Dr. P be so confident in him really helps.  Sure, he still has a long road ahead of him, but because he's already been trying to quit, I think that will also help me.  Dr, P has me scheduled to go back next month, right before our vacation, to check out my tubes and make sure there are no cysts or polyps, and that my tubes are open and things are able to get through them.  He is putting me on Femara and will give me a trigger shot, to help us time our trying while on vacation.  He had my blood drawn today, (which only took 3 different pricks and 2 nurses to do.  Ha Ha) to test the AMH levels, to see how old my eggs are.  He wants to jump right in, in Feb with an IUI.  He wants to keep me on Femara and do the trigger shots with the IUI, as well. 

He told us he only wants to see me 2 times.  Once this morning, and then again to check out my tubes.  He'll have his nurse(s) do the IUI for us.  He said he will see us again, when we bring our baby in to see him.  W and I left the appt feeling so happy and excited about our next step(s).  He has put the excitement back into this process for us, and I'm so grateful for that.  Sure, it's not spontaneous and romantic, but it gives W and I less to stress over and more time to continue building up our relationship.  We are able to focus on the things we can control and let Dr. P take more control of this part of the process.  We are putting our trust in him, and feeling really good about that. 

Another couple of things that I liked about the appointment, too.  He wrote on my chart that he saw me for "painful periods", so our insurance won't refuse to pay.  That is so cool.  He knows we'll pay enough out of pocket to have a baby, why do we have to start now?  He included the blood tests into today's appt, so that won't be anymore out of our pockets either.  As he was listening to my heart, he asked if I was a runner, when I replied yes, he said "Yep, you have a runner's heart."  Although, that had nothing to do with anything else today, it made me feel good knowing that my running is helping me.  It's also nice to have a doctor able to tell such a thing.  He told me I need to "fatten" up a little bit, since my BMI is low.  He didn't push me too much on that, just said I'd need some fat on my stomach to do the trigger shots, ha ha.

I'm feeling really grateful this week, and especially today.  W was out of town for 7 weeks, and I've gotten to spend time with him in the last few days and it makes me happy.  He makes me laugh and is silly with me and I love that about him.  He has a way of making me want to be better.  With this appt out of the way, I feel like I can really enjoy the holidays and look forward to our vacation next month, and not stress about what the future holds for having a baby.  We are blessed to get to go away on vacation and to have the vacation already paid for.  We've worked hard for what we have and where we're at, and it's finally paying off.  I can't wait for 2013 and for our journey to continue.  2012 will fade away and be a memory, one day.  All the heartache of 2011 and 2012 won't matter, as our puzzle pieces fall into place.  I hope and pray that our journey goes the way I'm hoping.

Today...

I've felt heavy in my heart today.  I learned last night that W is coming home, after being gone for 7 weeks, and am really happy and excited for it!   But a part of me is feeling a bit nervous about our Dr. appt next week.  I'm feeling scared and sad about the coming months and can't get rid of the "what if's" that linger in the back of my mind.  I've been reading this blog for a few weeks now, and have gone all the way back to the beginning, so I could read her whole story.  I am so grateful that I've found this blog.  This girl speaks so many things that I've thought of before, and really helps me figure out what all my feelings/emotions are, when I can't quite make sense of them.  The post I was reading today is from Dec 15, 2010.  We were one month into trying, and I thought we'd be pregnant by Christmas and sharing the happy news soon thereafter.  But, that was not the case, obviously.   I was realizing that her post was written almost exactly 2 years ago, and how different I feel about the whole TTC.  It's definitely been a road I never thought I'd travel.  It's also one that has made me a more bitter and negative person.  I question the way things work out, all the time.  I can't understand why it happens so easily for some and is so heart wrenching for others.  Egghunt puts it perfectly in this blog post and lets me see that my feelings aren't that far from the "normal" infertile person.  I'm not alone in the stages of grieving that I go through each month.  I'm not alone in the heartache/anger/confusion/sick-to-my-stomach feelings I get when I hear another pregnancy announcement.  It's so nice to have my feelings validated in a way, by only reading someone else's blog. 

 

Christmas hasn't felt very merry this year.  I told myself we were going to take a break (as if I actually had any say, with W being out of town) and that I'd "enjoy" the holidays and not feel any pressure.  But it just doesn't work that way.  You don't get to just say you're taking a break, and then stop thinking about it.  Egghunt talks about being a Grinch, and how she said she'd never be one of those people.   It's one of those things that you think you can control, you can forget about the months into years of heartache and just enjoy this festive time of year.  It isn't as easy as it looks. 

 

Anyway, I wanted to have this post saved, and share it with others.  I want to remember that through all of this, I am not alone.

 

http://egghunt.wordpress.com/2010/12/

Money doesn't buy true happiness...

This morning I feel angry, sad, alone, hurt, empty, lost, lifeless.  I'm supposed to have dinner with some girlfriends tonight, but I don't want to.  I don't feel like anything can bring me out of this slump, which is all the more reason I know I need to just go.  It will do me some good.  But it won't be lasting.  The moment we leave and I head back home, alone, to my quiet and lonely house.  I'm lucky to have the pups, that even when I feel all these things, still manage to make me laugh and smile.  Just before I left for work, I got a text message from W.  I told him I was still feeling sad this morning.  He replied that we both got paid and doesn't that make me happy?  But it doesn't.

W has been out of town for the last 5 weeks.  Today marks a full 5 weeks since he left for work 16 hours away, in Idaho.  I've done my best to keep busy.  Repainted the living room, spent evenings and weekends finding the perfect home decor to brighten up the space.  But I feel guilty for spending money, since we've been doing so good, so filling my time with shopping, otherwise, is not an option.  I've got a few Christmas gifts crossed off the list, but haven't found the joy in shopping for others.  My Christmas decorations are still sitting in the bins I pulled out a week ago.  I have zero desire to put it all up.  There's not the same excitement and joy in this time of year.  W is always busy in the fall through the beginning of Winter, so why should it be any different this year?  It just is. 

We used our last final month of "trying on our own" to time everything perfectly, without going overboard and stressing ourselves out.  I used the Femara.  I timed my ovulation and then used the Progesterone cream every night for 2 weeks.  W went out of town, and I got to feel the disappointment of failure all alone on a Thursday night.  The only thing that held me together was being so busy painting, and making the decision to not waste another day before setting up an appointment with the fertility specialist.  W has to be there at the first appointment, so when I set it up for 3 weeks out, I didn't think I'd ever have to reschedule it.  But that news came around last night, that he wouldn't be able to come home in time for it.  I feel ripped off and angry.  I feel disappointed and hurt.  The only person I can direct my anger to is W.  And then I feel bad, because it's not his fault.  He's good at making me come second to work, which is entirely unfair.  But at the same time, what is he supposed to do?  Could he realize that it's important to me that he just stop working for 5 mins to talk to me, without interruptions?  Yes.  Could he realize that ONE day isn't going to make a huge difference on his work project, but means the world to me?  Yes.  Could he stop being a pushover and start talking to his bosses and people he works with, rather than just complaining to me day after day?  Yes.  But, until I'm in his shoes, I can't say I'd do anything differently.  Besides, he's a guy, raised by a woman who was more self absorbed and concerned with herself, than teaching her boys the simple things in life.  (That's a whole other post in itself.)  He doesn't realize that each time he is on the phone with me and I realize he hasn't heard a word I've said, because he's still working, he's hurting me.  While I know he's busy, and I know it's hard on him, I just want him to not just expect me to suffer from it too.

I decided last week that we'd go to this appointment.  We'll be able to get some tests done and figure out what our next steps need to be to get and stay pregnant.  And then I want to wait until after our trip to Hawaii, in January, to take further action.  Even though it's a bummer to not have had November to try, it was a nice break from the ovulation tests, and timing everything, along with using the Progesterone cream.  I don't feel the same stresses of waiting the 2 weeks for my period to start.  I wanted to feel stress-free and not have anxiety around the holidays and our vacation.  Both should be a relaxing and enjoyable time.  But with the new appointment not being for another 2 weeks, I feel like the stress doesn't fully go away, until I can get the ball rolling.  I still don't have answers, and I still have to wait around and keep wondering and guessing what the issues could be.  The knot in my stomach has returned and I feel a bit more anxiety.  I kept thinking that as soon as the appt was out of the way next week, I could decorate for Christmas, and really let myself enjoy this time of year.  But there's no desire now.  I know I should just snap out of it and try to remember all the good things in my life.  But I keep coming back to how empty my life is right now.  I keep feeling like I have no real reason to get excited over anything, because it's not what I want right now.  I want W home and I want a family.  I know I'll be over my pity party soon enough.  I intend to get some yard work and house cleaning done this weekend, and maybe once I'm already doing these things, it will make me want to put up Christmas stuff and cheer up.

Lost

This month has been hard on me.  As we draw closer to our 2 year mark of trying to get pregnant, I find myself stalled in the process and unable to move forward.  W travels a lot in the fall and early winter months, and we can’t plans his work around my cycles.  We decided to take September off from trying, to give ourselves a break, but also because we weren’t sure what the doctor would want our next step to be.  I can’t change anything about our decision in September, so there’s no use dwelling on a missed opportunity to try.  But it also makes me think, what would’ve been different this month, anyway?  As luck would have it, W has to go out of town next week and won’t be around to try at the right time.  So our treatment sits waiting for next month, in hopes that he will be around at the right time.

I’ve been losing a lot of hope, lately.  I had high hopes to be pregnant by the end of summer only to feel more lost and empty.  My due date from my miscarriage in January was on Saturday, and that’s been a hard pill to swallow.  I felt down all weekend, knowing that if things had been different, we’d have a baby, or be preparing for it’s arrival any day now.  It’s such a strange thing to think about, and  I don’t even quite know how to cope with the loss I still feel, even 8 months later.  As I sat in the bathtub on Sunday night, crying, the thought crossed my mind, “how much more can I really handle?”  I’m really not sure what the answer to that is.  Of course, I’ll never give up hope, but it’s hard to think of going through this heartache for many more months.  I’m not sure that I’m mentally able to take too much more of the waiting and hoping just to be disappointed.  I find myself becoming more depressed as time goes on.  I’m less social and don’t really want to talk to many people.  I am not my usual, happy self around new people.  I feel sad and mad, and don’t have the energy to hide it anymore.   I also have found that I’ve become more private about things.  Some has to do with just simply not wanting to share my deepest thoughts with many, and another part of it feels like a broken record.  No one wants to hear how sad I am, month after month.  So I’ve just started keeping to myself a bit more than I used to, and maybe that’s the wrong way to go about it. 

I hope that once things go our way and we end up pregnant and having a baby, that I can become more of myself again.  I miss the way I was trying to be, more happy, upbeat and positive.  I want to be that way and want to find things to keep me busy and happy.  I need to find a way to fix myself, and not focus so much on when I get what I want, and not let it change who I am.

No Change

3 months of Femara.  2 months of getting my hopes up.  1 month of no ovulation.  0 change.  I have so many different  emotions:  Failure, sadness, anger, exhaustion, emptiness, heartbreak.  Feelings of wanting to give up, wanting to push forward, wanting an answer, wishing for a baby, wishing for an end.  My life is at a stand still, while everyone around me is bustling around; their lives changing and growing.  Don't know how to move forward, without that family I dream of and pray for.  Never thought it would be this hard.

Hard days ahead

I've still got some hard days ahead.  Our first month on Femera didn't work.  I started my period yesterday and can't snap out of this funk it's put me in.  I had this idea of our Fairytale coming true and the hard days being put behind us.  But that won't happen, just yet.