Feeling Blessed

If you had told me at the beginning of this year that we'd be in the place we are, I would've said "Not likely."  Yet here we are, making so many of our dreams a reality.

We've always talked about how nice it would be to build a home together.  We get to decide the way it looks, and be the original owners and really plant our roots.  I'm just so grateful that the first 4 or 5 options we were 'set' on ended up not working, because none of them compared to the option we landed on.  We get to live close to my parents.  We get to live close to an awesome biking/jogging trail and parks to take our dogs and kids to.  We knew the instant we pulled into the area, that this was going to be our new home.  We didn't hesitate to put our holding deposit down and start making plans.  We've been so incredibly thankful for the way the pieces of the puzzle have come together to make everything work out for us.  The house is coming along, slowly but surely and our plans to make it our home are in full swing.

But beyond the new house, other prayers have been answered.  At the beginning of July, we did our frozen embryo transfer.  We made the decision together, with Dr. P's advice and guidance, to transfer 2 embryos.  Well both took.  We are expecting TWINS.  I am 14 weeks today, and officially into the 2nd trimester.  The farther along we get, the more grateful I feel.  We had a scare 2 weeks ago, suddenly gushing blood with clots, and rushed to the ER.  I was making peace with myself on the way there, and waiting for the doctor to do the ultrasound, that if we could just keep one baby, I would know that things just worked how there were supposed to.  But we breathed a huge sigh of relief when we saw both babies moving around with good, strong heartbeats.  The bleeding died down after a couple hours and we were sent home.  Every time in the past, when I've been bleeding, I've miscarried, so to say we were humbled would be an understatement.  We are just so grateful that we aren't grieving the loss of one of our babies, but celebrating both of them continuing to grow strong.

We've had a couple of appts with our Maternal Fetal Medicine doctor and so far, really like the office and it's staff.  The last appt, seeing both babies moving around, seeing facial features and limbs moving, I was just in awe the whole time.  I don't think I could've grown tired of seeing them up there, and cannot wait to meet them in real life.

Our next appt is in a couple weeks, and although I know it might still be early, I am hoping we can find out the genders.  It would be nice to really be able to start planning how the nursery will look and buying a few items for them. 

We continue to pray that things can keep moving smoothly and that these littles can be in our arms in a few months.  We're slowly telling the news to friends and family and I'm starting to really love this baby bump.  I'm getting past the in between stage and into maternity clothing and loving experiencing what it's like to be pregnant.  It's not always fun.  I haven't felt fully myself for a number of weeks now.  Feeling nauseous and gaggy, waking up several times a night to pee, feeling like things are already too tight in my stomach that I can't quite get comfortable.  But, I definitely wouldn't change it for the world.

Updates

There's so much to update on, but so little time, it seems.

We have been updating our current home since February, and then in May decided that we should take advantage of the market being on an upswing and get our house sold.  With the plans being in place to do the transfer in July, it gave us time to start looking for a new home in the meantime.  After looking all across the valley, we found a new development 3.5 miles from my parents house and instantly fell in love.  So we put our money down and got the ball rolling to get everything started.  We've sold our house, which turned out much easier/better than we could've ever imagined.  We were going to hire an agent to help us list our house, but then decided at the last minute, the day before his contract went into effect, that we really couldn't sell our house right now, with the house not even being built yet.  But a week later, the agent called with some buyers who were interested in seeing our house.  They made an offer and agreed to let us stay in the home (renting it from them) until our new house is built.  We closed on the house last week and are now renters.  They will begin digging next week on our new home, which we are thrilled about!  Keeping our fingers crossed that mid-November is when they'll complete the home, so we can be in and settled before the holidays.

We did our transfer on July 2nd and played the waiting game for almost 2 weeks.  We got our positive beta and even higher numbers 2 days later.  We told our families the news @ 5 weeks, but have kept the news to ourselves, beyond that.  I am 9 weeks today and feeling morning sickness throughout most of the day, but it's worse in the evening.  I feel tired and achy, with cramps here and there.  We had our last 2 appts with Dr. P and have moved on to our new OB, Dr. D.  I won't have another appt until I am almost 12 weeks, which seems like forever away.  I'm taking it very easy, and still taking my Estrodial, baby asprin and prenatal vitamins each night.  The PIO shots are coming to an end, only one more week, which I'm both nervous and excited for.  I worry that stopping the shots could create an issue, but just have to trust Dr. P's knowledge that my body will be creating enough progesterone on it's own to sustain this pregnancy.  Today I have a mix of feelings.  I'm happy to be making it this far in a pregnancy, but still anxious, as we miscarried at 9 weeks exactly, last time.  Just have to take it one day at a time, and hope this pregnancy is the one that sticks.

Finding Solace in Others

I came across this posting on Resolve.org and just had to share it.  I've found such good support and lots of information by being involved in these message boards and feel as though I've known some of these ladies for a while.  Meredith is amazing and has gone through so much towards trying to bring home a baby.  Sadly, her journey continues and she's searching for answers.  But I can't help but feel grateful that even though my journey is far from over, I still feel hope that the treatments we are about to embark on could work for us.  Anyway, this is a post she put on her FB last year and it may as well have been me saying it.  95% of what she's said is words from my own story.

"It’s National Infertility Awareness Week! Let’s celebrate by spreading some awareness. Since I don’t have an actual soapbox, I’ll use Facebook. 1 in 8 couples in the US experience infertility. You know at least one of these couples (<DH> and me), probably more. Our experience has been heartbreaking; treatments have been invasive, painful, and expensive. The hardest part is that nothing has worked and we struggle with the reality that treatments might never work.

During this journey I've encountered some amazing support, for which I am touched and deeply grateful. I have also encountered smart, caring people with serious misunderstandings about infertility and our treatment options. In the interest of raising awareness, I've put together “8 things I wish everyone understood about Infertility.” If you've said something a little foolish to me, please don't take this as a complain. My goal here is to acknowledge that misconceptions exist and to improve the dialogue about infertility.

As a "note" (linked to in the status):
1. Infertility is a medical condition. Reproduction is a biological function. When your body can’t reproduce it is a medical problem that deserves to be treated as such.

2. Our infertility is a physical problem, not a mental one. No amount of relaxing, vacationing, or thinking positively will change the biological problem we’ve encountered. Several people have suggested to me that relaxing might solve our problem. Please believe me when I tell you that there is nothing I can do in my head to solve our problem (same for <DH>). Our doctors suggest in-vitro fertilization (IVF) not vacations or de-stressing.

3. Infertility is exhausting. It is mentally exhausting. I have been “not pregnant” 30 times. Think about trying for something (that you really care about) 30 times. How would you feel on the 31st try? … I think the fact that we can summon the hope required to try again at this point is sort of amazing. Infertility is also physically exhausting. Just since January, I have lost track of the number of times we’ve been to the clinic, not to mention the number of blood draws, transvaginal ultrasounds, injections, medications, and phone conversations with my nurse. My body has been through a lot in the last couple years.

4. Our infertility isn’t anyone’s fault. If you want to know more about our diagnosis and what’s preventing us from conceiving you can ask me; please don’t ask, “Whose fault is it?” Neither one of us did anything wrong and our problem cannot be fixed with lifestyle changes.

5. Infertility can be caused by many different issues. 30% of infertility is caused by a male issue, 30% is caused by a female issue, 20% is unexplained, and the rest is some combination of factors. Within both the male and female categories, there are several possible things that can go wrong. With so many different causes, not every infertility treatment is appropriate for everyone. Please do not assume that we should try whatever worked for your neighbor’s sister.

6. IVF does not always work (and it sucks). IVF is an end-of-the-line, invasive, expensive medical procedure that works about half the time under the best circumstances. There are many couples with much lower odds and many who never have success. I hope it will work for us, but so far it hasn’t. When I tell you, “We’re about to start another IVF cycle.” I appreciate your excitement, but I wish you understood that what I just said was, “Having a baby is going to be very difficult. We’re about to try again with about 6 weeks of treatments. It might not work and it will cost $15,000. Our bathroom counter will be covered in materials for mixing and injecting hormones. I’ll go in for several early-morning transvaginal ultrasounds. I’ll also get about 15 blood draws, recover from a painful egg retrieval surgery, have an embryo transferred back into me, and then at the end I’ll “rest” for ten days while I try not to obsess about what is or is not happening in my uterus. I will be physically and emotionally delicate during and after treatment. <DH> will be worried and will be busy attending appointments, taking care of me, and generally trying to hold it all together. I am incredibly anxious that this cycle will end like all the rest, with disappointment and sadness.” That is what “We’re doing another cycle of IVF.” actually means to me.

7. Infertility treatments can be very expensive. Very expensive like we could have sent our non-existent child to UW for an undergraduate education using the money we spent trying to have a child in the past 12 months. For example, $15,000 for a fresh IVF cycle (including $2500 for meds and $4000 for PGS testing) and $4000 for a frozen embryo transfer cycle. We have good insurance and we reached our infertility cap 4 months into the diagnosis and treatment process. Many people with medical insurance in the US have zero coverage for infertility. Ironically, these high costs encourage patients to make riskier decision which result in a high rate of multiples (twins, etc.), which are ultimately more expensive for insurers and riskier for everyone. In places where coverage is mandatory it pays off in terms of total healthcare costs. I also think it’s wrong to discriminate against this medical condition, but that’s a long discussion... suffice it to say that costs can be prohibitive and I wish there was a wider understanding of exactly what I mean when I say “expensive.”

8. For me, infertility is a Really Big Deal. I have thought about this every day for at least 18 months, sometimes every hour. It has affected my outlook on life, my marriage, really everything. I am surprised by how deeply this experience has shaken me, so I can see why others would have trouble understanding. I will try to explain… I appear to have a biological urge to procreate. When I see a tiny baby I’m pretty sure my uterus actually does a little happy dance. And then I want to cry. Infertility is so frustrating and humbling. This is a problem that I can’t fix by working harder or just finding a way to be better. We can do everything “right,” I can take my medications perfectly and read every relevant book and medical article out there, and still have cycle after cycle fail. It feels wickedly unfair. Cycle failures feel like a loss. It is the loss of a baby who only existed in my head. The loss of being able to decide when we have kids (we started trying when I was 28, I’m 31 now). The loss of being able to choose how many kids we have. The loss of the joy and excitement that I used to associate with deciding to have a baby. Infertility makes me feel powerless and sad. It’s a constant struggle to try to keep those emotions from crowding out the goodness and the joy in my life. I believe that we’ll find some path to happiness, but right now the path we’re on is scary, twisted, and just plain cruel.


Thank you for reading all this. I hope it furthers the conversation and awareness about infertility. If you have questions please ask. Although I complained about some of the stupid advice I’ve gotten, I really do think that the dialogue is helpful. I’ll assume that your questions come from an honest, caring place and I’ll answer accordingly. Just to get this out of the way, though… elevating your hips after sex doesn’t make a difference. ;-)"
                                                                                                                             -Meredith

The Reason

I've been on a quest lately to find really good songs.  Songs that make me happy, songs that give me my reason to cry the tears I've been holding in for days, songs that pump me up to finish that last mile on my run, songs that bring back wonderful memories.  I came across "The Reason" by Hoobastank.  I always liked the song, but never really listened to the lyrics.  Not all the lyrics apply to what I've been going through, but the chorus seems to get me teary.  Even right now, I'm struggling to hold it in, sitting at my desk at work, to write out my thoughts.  The chorus makes perfect sense in this fight to bring home a baby and create a future family and home life with W.

"I've found a reason for me

To change who I used to be

A reason to start over new

And the reason is you"

As we've been getting closer to our 4th anniversary of trying, at times I can't help but feel if it's worth the fight, stress and heartache to keep working towards a baby. It's hard to keep the negative thoughts away some days. Time seems to crawl by and some days you can't quite figure out why we are working so hard for something that seems so unattainable. But the reason is that baby. Even if I constantly have to adjust my schedule and plans for the future. Even if I have to work hard to keep my head above water and pretend like I'm doing okay to those around me. I can still picture that tiny baby in my arms at the end of this. I can still picture W sitting with our sweet baby, in that comfy lazy boy in the nursery, rocking it back to sleep in the middle of the night. That dream will one day be a reality and I will truly be able to say "And the reason is you".

Then I read a post from my cousin, who has become a dear friend to me in our struggle with IF.  She was talking about dealing with her miscarriage(s) and finally figuring out one day what good came from it.  And finding the reasons to be happy again.  It seemed so perfect for the thoughts that have been swirling around in my head since I downloaded this song last month.  I commented to her post and wanted to share the same thoughts here:

"It is SO hard to find anything good in our hardships, while we're going through them. But it is so great to find even just one good thing to come from them. I have a hard time believing that everything happens "the way it's supposed to", but I can believe that things happen for a reason, but it's up to us to find the reasons. My reason isn't the same as your reason and the reason may seem entirely silly or minor to others, but it's our reason and it's our peace that we get from finding that reason."

W and I have been trying to make big decisions together about our future.  Job changes and selling our house to buy a new one, are our biggest topics lately.  And I can't help but think that even though this week should've been the week we brought our tiny infant home, we may be able to make new plans right now.  These plans could change our entire future, and if I'd had this little baby right now, I'd be transitioning into being a stay at home mom.  We'd be down to one income and W might not even be considering a job change.  We might not even be close to feeling comfortable and ready to move to a new home.  In the end, we could figure out that our biggest reason for our plans being turned upside down, was that we needed a new plan.  We needed a chance to better our future without the stress of a new baby.

FET here we come!

I saw my doctor yesterday and he double checked to make sure my cysts have stayed away and existing ones getting smaller.  They are, so our plan is still in place.  I will begin my BCP on Sunday, then begin my Lupron shots on June 1st.  I'll do those until my ultrasound on June 24th, when they'll be able to set an actual transfer date.  I am so happy to finally be moving forward and to find my hope again.

I haven't decided for sure, but am thinking I might keep this FET under wraps.  I told my older sister about my appointment, and am not going to keep her in the dark.  I am going to let her be my support during this and then she can help me find the BEST way to surprise my family.  I know we won't be able to keep it a secret until the 12 week mark, so I'm sure we'll tell them right away.  But for now, my plan is to act as though the cysts are still there and that we're hoping for a late July transfer...But really?  I will know by then if it took and can have fun surprising them.  Everyone going through this knows that it sucks with IF, that the element of surprise is completely taken from us.  But I'm taking control back!  I want this to be a fun time for us, and let these last few months melt away and be forgotten in our bliss.  (I know that people in my family know about this blog, so if you know my plan, just tell me you read this post, and you can be in on the surprise too!  ;) )

In other news, W and I are now another year older.  My bday was on Wednesday (14th) and W's is today.  One year older and no where closer to the same goals we had last year.  I am always a bit sad when a birthday comes and I feel like we have nothing to show for it.  But today, at lunch with W, he pointed out how lucky we are.  We found each other and make a good couple.  We love spending time together and make each other laugh daily.  We are content to just be together every day, and not have to be doing anything fancy.  We truly do have so much we want and need, and we aren't in a mountain of debt because of it.  We were able to do IVF, along with going on vacation each Jan, before and after IVF, and that's pretty cool.  We are working on plan for the future, even before a baby would be here.  We are working on a future for after a baby could arrive next Spring.  And we are working on it together.  We are so blessed.  So even though, I hate the idea of moving forward without every single thing I've set my mind to (like a baby), at least I am moving forward with W.  These hardships and heartache have only strengthened our relationship and I hope that means will help make us better parents because of it.

Quotes

I was just reading on an online forum this morning and came across this quote that made me tear up and had to share it.   Then figured I may as well add a few more of my favorites to this post too. (Yes, I tend to love those surrounding my absolute favorite of "Bring on the Rain" and red umbrellas.  :) )

"I don't know why we have been chosen to undertake such a painful journey, why we must go through such struggles to bring our children into this world. But I do know that when we look into our babies' faces, they will never have to wonder if they were really wanted. Ours are the children who, no matter how they came to us, will look at their parents and know from the deepest places in their heart, how much we cherish them, and how we labored to give them life. And in that there is no greater security and no greater gift." - Dr. Randine Lewis, The Infertility Cure

 

Infertile or not?

I've had some thoughts on my mind a lot lately, and they've come up more and more the last couple of days.  With infertility awareness week being here last week, I kept thinking of little ways I could maybe posts things to show my support.  But it all comes down to me not feeling I am ready to share that part of my heart with others.  I have this blog, and just barely made it public, but haven't even shared that fact with more than my sisters and 2 or 3 of my closest girlfriends.  As time has gone on TTC, we've shared with our immediate families and close friends, as a means for support and have been so grateful for it.  And then as even more time has passed, we have started to hear about extended family going through issues of their own, and have slowly told some of them of our struggles.  But it still feels too private to me to just talk about out in the open.  I am too scared of being offended by dumb people, who really don't know any better, and so I figure why give them the chance to hurt my feelings?  You can't expect people to know the "right" thing to say.  And haven't we all said something to someone unknowingly?  I can remember when I was 12 or 13.  I was so young and dumb.  I was babysitting for this young family and the mom had given birth maybe 3 or 4 months before, when I went to sit for them for the afternoon.  I can remember she was wearing a flowy top and I just asked her if she was having another baby?  Her husband jumped in and said 'Hey don't you say that about my beautiful wife!'  I felt SO bad and knew right then to NEVER ask a woman if she's pregnant.  But the same can go for any topic, can't it?  All those people that never thought about getting pregnant probably don't even know what IVF or IUI stands for.  They assume that it's "easy" and so their simple replies of "just relax and it will happen" shouldn't be offensive.  Now, when there are people who know (aka my dumb boss) what we've gone through and still says "You don't want kids, they ruin your life."  Or "You can have my kids, I didn't even want them." then I am offended.

Anyway, that wasn't even the point of my post.  I wanted to write down some thoughts I've had about infertility from my point of view.  We're going on close to 4 years of trying now.  In the first year, it was hard, and I couldn't understand why it wasn't happening so easily, but "infertile" never crossed my mind.  Then when we got pregnant right before getting tests done at my OB/GYN and thought, we really must've just been missing the ovulation window.  After we miscarried, we went on Femara and bought OPKs and did that routine for 6 months.  That's when it started to occur to me that maybe there really is something wrong with me.  We went to see the RE and I don't think I still quite put myself in the infertile category.  W and I both tested out fine and we "just needed a little help in this area" and IUI's would be our answer.  After #3 didn't work, I think that's when I realized "maybe we are infertile."  Now that we've been through more IUI's and an IVF cycle, along with my Hysteroscopy and months of cysts, I know that this isn't normal.  I am really 1 in 8.

One of the cousins in my family posted on her blog and then plastered it all over FB and Instagram for everyone to see.  She was "1 in 8" and wanted to make sure everyone knew about it.  She didn't want sympathy, because this wasn't a bad thing;  Her and her husband had been seriously blessed during their "almost 2 years of trying".  What?  No.  That's not the message to spread.  While I'm not saying I haven't found good amongst all the heartache, I don't exactly call this a blessing.  I want people to understand that there are different levels of infertility.  There's the pre-infertiles, the Jr. Infertiles and the Sr. Infertiles.  Those who tried for a year unsuccessfully, those who got pregnant by taking a simple fertility drug and then those who have had to fork out money for tests, invasive procedures and then monitoring and IUIs and/or IVF.  Maybe it's wrong of me to classify it that way, but that's just how I see it.  I never wanted to be a Senior, but isn't it right that the Seniors are just waiting for graduation to happen so they can move on with the fun part of their lives?  We are working extra hard to pass our tests (HPT) and are scared we'll be stuck in summer school for the rest of our lives just trying to graduate into parenthood.  Anyway, I'm sure none of this makes sense.  But I wrote this in an email to my sweet SIL today and I really think this is what's truly in my heart about the different stages of IF.

"I used to be so different about it all.  I knew that I had a hard time getting pregnant, but was I really infertile?  No way.  I was going to take a simple fertility drug that would maybe help release a couple more eggs and I'd be pregnant and we'd laugh at the time wasted.  But then as those things didn't work and we ended up seeing a specialist, I thought "Okay we just need a little help, with IUIs, but I'm still not sure I fit in the infertile club.  But after those didn't work and we were on our way to IVF, I knew that there was no turning back.  IVF is the real key to being in the club.  And I guess I still kind of see it that way now.  That doesn't take away the 2 years that we tried on our own and the heartache I felt, but I know what true infertility heartache feels like and it's different.  What I mean is that (name), to me, isn't a true infertile, and likely won't ever be.  Very likely she won't ever know this kind of heartache, not that I want her too.  But she won't know the pain of seeing your conjoined twins** heartbeats and have the gut wrenching suggestion of abortion and then having them still miscarry.  She won't know the pain of seeing your baby as an embryo and then 4 weeks later seeing that little ones heartbeat, only to have it all gone within a few short hours.  I think a true infertile doesn't focus on the pain of contractions, but the pain of that hole in your heart.  I am pretty sure this is my real problem with her.  Right now, she wants sympathy and for people to feel bad for her.  I want people to know what I've been through, but I really just want support and love from those closest to me.  And you know what?  I've got it.  I couldn't be more blessed in the family and friends I have."

Maybe infertility awareness week needs to be made more for the infertility community.  For us to find the right support and help among our own.  We need to find the right support groups, to help us wade through life.  We don't need to make the world see, because there's already enough negativity in our lives, why are we asking for outsider's opinions on it all?   Of course in a perfect world, everyone would see what IF really is, and would grasp it all and fully understand the hardships it brings.  But, we don't live in a perfect world and there are far too many closed minded people to try and get it through their heads. 

**My dear cousin (in law) dealt with this heartache a few months ago.  I can't even imagine what her heart went through.  But she is one of my biggest supports through our infertility and has become one of my best friends.  Love her for her words of encouragement, knowledge and humor.  She just gets it.

Getting Closer

I was realizing yesterday that we are about 3 weeks away from getting started on the process of our FET.  Even though we still have a ways to go until the actual transfer, I'll be happy knowing we are actually moving forward.  I have another U/S on the 15th of May to ensure the cysts have cleared up and no new ones have formed and then we will be on our way.

After continuing with training for my marathon, feeling constant pain in my ankle and generally not finding any joy in the added miles, I decided a marathon was too lofty a goal this year.  I hadn't been running a ton when I made the decision and really thought I could push myself hard to get ready.  But your body has a way of really bringing your mind to reality and letting you know you can't force these things.  So I opted to switch my bib to the half marathon instead and I am so glad I did.  I am excited for it again and am pushing myself on speed instead of distance.  I ran my 2nd half of the spring last weekend and improved on my time by about 8 minutes from the first one in March.  I have another half next weekend and then my final race before the planned FET is on the 17th.  I'm hoping by the 17th, I'll have a new personal record and feel some sort of accomplishment there.

I started running about 2 1/2 years ago, as we were coming to the close of our first year of trying.  I was sad and frustrated and needed a way to make myself feel better.  We had a vacation coming up and so I decided that I should do a little jogging to get in shape and ultimately found that it was the best thing for me with our infertility.  It gave me an outlet to be mad and push my body a bit further, or gave me time by myself to really think about things without interruptions.  I've shed a lot of sad and angry tears on some of my runs and felt so good afterwards.   Running really seemed to help for a while and even though I haven't always been consistent with running, on bad days I knew what could help turn my mood around.  Since the IVF miscarriage, things have changed.  I still feel a sense of accomplishment and find joy in running, it hasn't helped me clear my mind and feel better about things.  There is no simple "move on to these next steps" if IVF doesn't work in the end.  I haven't lost hope that IVF (or FET) can work for us, but the constant delays have definitely left me in a bad limbo state of mind.

I can honestly say I'm in a better place right now, than I was back in December through February.  I'm feeling more optimism and hope about things.  But, my sadness and anger hasn't gone away completely.  I've felt a bit more sad lately about others getting what I so desperately want.  I went last night to pick out a baby outfit for my cousin's wife.  I won't be able to attend the baby shower because of other plans, but didn't want to ignore the invite completely.  So I was looking for the perfect cute baby boy outfit and thought I was doing good.  But after a few minutes it took everything I could to not tear up and feel sorry for myself.  Seeing the darling cargo pants and baby hoodies, the tiny bow ties attached to darling plaid shirts, really started to get to me.  I want my own baby to dress up, and right now the soonest I could have it, would be a year from now.  It just makes my heart ache.  I am sad for myself that others get it before me, and I'm buying them the tiny baby clothes that I want.   Please just let it be my turn next.  I don't want to buy anymore baby clothes until they are for my baby.

Keeping my hope alive and my fingers crossed that everything will go according to plan and come March 2015 baby H will be arriving.  Please let it work.