3 months after

It’s almost May now, and I’ve already begun thinking about the end of 2012 and all the things that could be different by the end of the year.  W and I have started some projects for the year and are really enjoying the time we spend working together and the results we see in the end.  We have financial goals of where we’d like to be at the end of the year.  But my one big goal at the beginning of this year was to have a baby.  Even after my miscarriage I held onto a lot of hope that we’d just find that we’d missed a couple chances throughout last year to get pregnant, and it would just happen quickly for us.  I felt like my body was back to normal when I had a 2^nd period in April, since the miscarriage in Jan.  So W and I decided to go ahead and start trying in April.  I bought ovulation testers and checked it each morning.  We got a positive and were excited to begin the process again, almost believing we were already pregnant by timing the days out perfectly.  But my period came 4 days early this month, not really giving me a chance to do the whole “wait and see” for this month.  I am glad to not have gotten my hopes up, only to have it be crushed as my period started right on time.  But with each month, my hopes are always up.  That is something I can’t get away from.  No matter how much I try and tell myself to be realistic and calm about things, I always have so much hope and dream that our long journey will end. 

But as I talked to my sister earlier today, she reminded me that I can change my goal around a little bit and my goal can be to be pregnant before 2012 ends.  I was remembering how I felt last year, as each major holiday approached, I’d be planning out an elaborate way to tell my family that we were expecting.  I couldn’t help but go through that same scenario this month, in hopes that I could tell my family on Mother’s Day…And as I told my sister that now I can just try for Father’s Day, somewhere in the back of my mind tells me to be realistic, and not get my hopes up again.  Father’s Day is just 2 short months away, what will be different this month, that makes me think we’ll have good news to share on Father’s Day?   And it doesn’t have to be a major holiday to make it special.  I just need to bring my focus back to being hopeful and knowing that it will happen for us.

Sometimes I start to feel like me getting pregnant and miscarrying was all a dream/nightmare.  How can you try for so long to get pregnant, to have it finally happen when you least expected it…Then have it taken away so quickly?   It’s been 3 months since I miscarried and the feeling still feels so raw and fresh.  I feel like it’s going to take us getting pregnant and having a baby before that pain subdues. 

I’ve been exercising regularly and have started eating a lot better.  I feel happier and my mind feels clearer.  Running has been great for me, it gives me time to really think things through without any interruptions.  It gives me something to look forward to each day and gives me a goal to work towards that I get instant results from.  I ran my first 5k in March and am now working towards building up my strength to do a longer distance run in a couple months.

I still feel really blessed to have all the things I do have going for me.  W and I have been doing really good, and are in a really comfortable phase in our relationship.  We’ve continued to communicate better, and have even become better friends.  I love having W bring up ideas he has for our future baby room or different plans that revolve around having kids, it always makes me happy.  He is so good to me, and I certainly wouldn’t change these moments we have, for anything.

The sun'll come out tomorrow.

I am happy today.  Each morning when my alarm goes off, I lay in bed for a bit looking at Facebook or my email and just allowing myself time to wake up.  I might snuggle with J  and  stay warm under the covers a few extra minutes.  Well this morning was no different, but as I was getting on Facebook, J decided she would make herself comfortable on my back, which made me laugh.  I snapped a picture of her after she’d moved off my back, and I could see that she was still just waiting for me to get up and do something with her.

Today I am feeling optimistic and happy about things.  Maybe because the sun is shining and is expected to stick around all weekend.  Maybe it’s because I just found out that W won’t end up being out of town for 2 whole weeks again.  Maybe it’s because W’s stepmom is doing a lot better and that means his dad won’t end up living with us for another 2 months.  (He’s been there 2 weeks, and it’s very draining, even though I love him.)  Maybe it’s because I get to have lunch with a good friend who’s in town.  Maybe it’s because 2 of my best friends are coming over to keep me company tonight and do some crafts.  I am excited to try out a new bottle of wine I got. (It’s a sweet Riesling)  I am excited to work on my wall collage and happy that I have some good company to be around.  Maybe it’s because when I got home from work yesterday I saw little plants growing in my starter kit I began this past Sunday.  Maybe it’s because I get to start my garden this weekend and am excited to plant peas this summer!  Maybe it’s because my daffodil plants are already popping up, and the signs of new life make me happy.  Maybe it’s the bonus check I got today, and the tax return on it’s way.  Maybe it’s the fact that with this extra money, we get to pay down my car and have zero credit card debt.  It gets us motivated to keep paying things down and excited about what the future could be for us.  Maybe it was talking to a best friend about her share of heartache she’s had and knowing I’m not alone.  She miscarried a couple weeks after me, after her doctor diagnosed her with a Blighted Ovum too.  I feel humbled and sad that I was so focused on all of my heartache, I didn’t think to reach out to others to see if I could be a good friend in their time of need.  I feel grateful that I wasn’t as far along as this friend was, so I didn’t have to go through labor and delivery (and all alone, no less).

 I feel grateful that W and I have a bright future ahead, no matter how much heartache/pain I’ve been through and could still go through, I will always have him by my side.  He’s willing to work hard for the chance for me to stay at home with our kids and I love him for that.  We’ve overcome obstacles and it’s made us stronger.    He makes me laugh and turns my dark days around, just by being him.  He is my best friend.  That should be enough to keep me happy and optimistic.  I need to remember this, when I feel like life has let me down and everything just isn’t fair.  I need to learn to be happy for a pregnant girl around me, because I’ll never know what they went through to have this miracle happen for them.  I will work harder at doing more for my friends and family who are pregnant or have a new little one at home.  I can’t let their fortunes become my mistfortunes.  (Wise words my awesome hubby told me)   I need to remember that there is always someone out there dealing with something worse than me.  I feel blessed to have the friends and family I do, that are always there for me.  They  let me be who I am and never judge me for it.  I am so amazed at how willing they are to cheer me on and pray for me and want those things for me, almost as much as I want them for myself.  I’m sure I will still have days I am sad or mad about things, but I do have things pretty good.  I feel very blessed.

Empty

I’m having a lot of mixed emotions today.  Yesterday I thought to myself that I was probably finally getting over a big hump and was able to even make a joke about “that one time I was pregnant” to my sisters.  But today, for some reason I’ve felt a bit sad.

I woke up happy that it was Friday, and was excited to be spending the weekend with W.  But work kinda tore me down slowly with my boss and a coworker making a few jabs at me throughout the day.  I went to lunch, welcoming the break from work.  But as I was leaving I got a text from W informing that he’ll be heading back out of town on Monday for an undetermined amount of time.  Then I went through the drive through for lunch, and the girl I always see there, is pregnant.  Even though I’d already noticed she was pregnant, for some reason today it really struck a chord and I broke down in tears as soon as I drove away from the window.  I just almost don’t know what I’m feeling.  I feel a little empty today and kind of like I do the same thing day in, day out and don’t really have any real purpose in life.  I’ve had so much focus on working hard to pay down debt and always think about the end in sight.  But right now, there isn’t an end in sight.  I just work, hoping that we’ll get pregnant soon and I’ll get to stay at home.  But how do I set goals, when I don’t have a time frame to work towards?

Day By Day

Our  lives have changed a lot in the last month and a half.  We found out on Jan 13^th that I was pregnant and couldn’t be happier with the news.  A week later we left to go on vacation to Hawaii.  Life was good and we were on top of the world.  After a full day of walking around the first day in Hawaii, I started spotting.  We tried to take it easy on Sunday and Monday, but the spotting got worse and the cramping worsened as well.  I started having a sharp pain on my right side on Monday night, preventing me from getting comfortable all night.  So Tuesday morning, Jan 24^th,  I called my doctor at home and she told me I had to go to the ER, because she was worried that the sharp pain on one  side was a sign of an ectopic pregnancy.  So W and I went to the ER, and tried to stay calm and think positively.  We were  hopeful that they would just tell us that everything looked just fine, and to maybe take it even easier the rest of our trip. 

We went through all the testing, and then a Dr. came in to do an ultrasound.  He tried the normal ultrasound and then tried an internal ultrasound, making us worried as the seconds passed without the sound of a beating heart.  He put the equipment down and whispered something to the nurse, who quickly gave me some paper towels, and left the room.  He rested on the edge of the bed and put his hand on my knee, in a very fatherly fashion.  He then explained to me that he wasn’t finding a heartbeat, and couldn’t see anything resembling a baby forming.  He told me that I had a Blighted Ovum, which means that I did get pregnant, but no baby ever started to develop.  My body was going through all the normal pregnancy symptoms and was creating a home for our baby.  But because no baby had ever developed, my body was starting to reject it .  He said he wanted us to wait to see the test results to make sure he wasn’t wrong.  After waiting over an hour for the results, he said that my HCG levels were very high and that he didn’t want to give us false hope, but that he has seen miracles happen when diagnosing women with Blighted Ovum’s, that sometimes, you’re not as far along as you think you are, and sometimes women go on to have normal, healthy pregnancies.  We left the hospital after 4 ½ hours and a different attitude.  Although the Dr. said he was hopeful that the HCG levels being so high was a good sign, I was having heavier bleeding and cramping, and just knew this pregnancy wouldn’t be around much longer.

We got ready and went to a Luau that evening.  We had to take a bus to our destination and tried to enjoy ourselves once we got to beautiful Paradise Cove.  But right before dinner, I went to the bathroom and that’s when I miscarried.  A small pink sac had come out and I just knew that it was over.  I tried to stay calm, but couldn’t keep the tears from falling, as I told W what happened.  He was so good to me and asked if I just wanted to go back to the hotel?  I nodded and he guided me to find someone to help find us a cab ride home.  We had to pay $100 for that cab ride, but I wouldn’t have changed it.  We were able to grieve together on our balcony that night.  W and I cried as we talked and hugged.  It’s something I’ll never forget.  It just gave us a stronger bond and love for each other.  We actually felt like it was a blessing in disguise that all of this happened while we were on vacation.  We got to be together during it all, and got to have the time to just feel what we needed to feel, but it was also a good distraction,, so we (mostly I) didn’t fall into immediate depression.  Our relationship changed with this too.  When we went to Hawaii, I already had been feeling so good about things with W.  We are on the same page and are so happy about our future, but this made that bond even stronger.  It’s a pretty incredible feeling knowing that you have your spouse as your rock, and support and listening ear during your hardest times.  I don’t know that I could’ve gotten through this with anyone else.  I feel so lucky to have W by my  side.

The rest of our trip was changed, as I was not allowed to swim, and was so uncomfortable that I didn’t want to hike or be on my feet too long.  This Friday marks a month since the miscarriage, but feels like longer.  I’ve been up and down and really having a hard time feeling back to my old self.  But in a way, I know I will never go back to my “old self”.  I’ve gone through something that has changed me.  W and I have been doing really good at keeping positive, from the second it happened, that things happen for a reason, and we are thrilled at this sign that we can get pregnant on our own.  But I have had a constant reminder of losing this pregnancy, that it’s been hard to stay positive.  I’ve had to deal with the questions of why we didn’t do so many things while on vacation, and not been able to share the real reason we didn’t do so many cool things in the most beautiful place.  My best friend had her baby last week.  I have 2 cousins who just found out in the last 2 weeks that they’ll be having baby girls in July, and my other best friend will find out the sex of her baby this week.  W has been gone for work for the last 2 weeks, so I’ve been feeling incredibly alone, trying to deal with hearing these things.  I am incredibly happy for all these friends and family that are experiencing the joys of pregnancy and parenthood, but it’s a constant reminder of what I’ve lost.

My doctor told me that we can start trying again in 3 months, so we only have 2 months till we can start trying again, but it feels like a lifetime.  She told us that she wouldn’t suggest that we use any sort of birth control or protection, since we did struggle for a year to get pregnant.  She said the 3 months is just a  good starting time to start trying again, but nothing will happen if we get pregnant before then.  I can’t help but hope that we’ll be one of those few that find ourselves pregnant before that 3 months has gone by.  I feel sad, angry, lost and empty with the loss of this pregnancy.  It’s hard to feel so unsure about the future.  I feel like my life is standing still, while everyone around me is still bustling around and planning their futures.  They are having kids and moving on, while I feel like my chance to move on is unknown.  I can try to plan for things in the next year, but they’ll never feel good enough for what could’ve been my plans for the next year with a baby on the way.  I know I need to be positive, but I’m not to that point yet.  I just want to feel like me again.  I guess I’ll just keep taking it one day at a time. 

Lucky 13

W and I still had no luck in December, and still weren’t pregnant.  I went to a Christmas party with a bunch of girlfriends from high school on Dec. 3, and found out that my other best friend is pregnant.  I had been confiding in this friend for quite some time about my feelings about infertility, and  she had been able to relate to some of the same feelings I was having.  So she told us at the party that she was pregnant, while I was happy for this friend, I was fighting tears the whole time, and couldn’t help but feel sad and even jealous over it.  And to top it all off, my period made it’s appearance the next day.  W had been extremely busy at work and travelling, so I was feeling pretty alone.  It was a hard weekend, but as the 12^th month of trying came to a close, I felt that it was time to set up a doctor’s appointment to figure out what was wrong with us.

Christmas came and went, and the day of our appointment arrived, on the 29^th.  We didn’t tell anyone besides my sisters that we had the Dr. appt, for fear of having to tell people the worst.  The appointment ended up only being a regular exam/checkup, with instructions to return on certain days of my next cycle to being different tests and labs.  I left the Dr’s feeling a little bit disappointed that there wasn’t more info they could give us right off the bat.  I spent a few days in the following week feeling very mad and sad about everything.  I couldn’t help but feel like it just wasn’t fair.  Why did we have to struggle with infertility, when so many people get pregnant so easily?  Why do we have to spend all sorts of money determining the cause, not to mention all the invasive and uncomfortable procedures that I’d have to go through.  But as the days went by and my anger subdued, I realized just how lucky I am.  W and I have gone through the hardest time in both our married and personal lives.  We’ve grown closer than I ever thought possible.  Our relationship is better than it ever could be.  And as I’ve already realized this in previous months, I realized it once again, when I noticed that W was letting me just be angry and short without ever snapping back.  It made me realize that we really have moved past a big hurdle in our marriage.  We have better communication and appreciation for each other is renewed each day.  We have been able to pay down/off debt and feel really comfortable with our financial future.  We have dreams of buying a different house in the next few years and dreams of raising our children close in age.  We always said that we wanted to go to Hawaii before we had kids, and we are getting to go this month, and are thrilled about it.  We can’t wait to spend some much needed time together, with W being so busy at work, it’s a welcome break together.

But my period was late this month.  I told myself that it was just because I had stressed myself out before and after the doctor appointment and that I’d just be getting my period a few days late.  This made me a bit anxious, as I didn’t want to miss my chance to get my labs/tests done this month, and have to wait another month, since we will be on vacation this month.  When I was 2 days late…I took a test in the evening, and told myself it would be negative.   It was, but there’s always a bit of hope when taking those tests, so of course I was a little bit disappointed.  As the days passed and I continued to be late, and I talked to a friend, who’s also been going through infertility for longer than we have, she convinced me that it was time to take a test.  W was out of town and I didn’t want to do it without him here.  But I told myself that it would be negative and that maybe I wasn’t ovulating regularly and so my doctor could put me on Clomid and our problems would be fixed.  So I bought a test after work on Thursday the 12^th, and couldn’t sleep all night, with nervousness.  As I woke up the next morning, I told myself that I shouldn’t be sad if it’s negative, since this could be a good thing, knowing that Clomid fixes so many women’s problems.  I took the test and did a few things before coming back in the bathroom to check the test before chucking it in the garbage.  I was stunned to see 2 lines on the test, reading positive.  I couldn’t believe what I was seeing, and ran to grab my cell phone to call W.  He was still asleep, and I was trying to stay calm so I wouldn’t freak him out.  I asked him if he was awake and he said yes, and I just blurted out “The test is positive!”  He said “What” and so I repeated myself.  He started laughing and got a little emotional and couldn’t believe it either.  We were able to talk about it for a little while before I needed to get ready for work.  I sent him a picture of the test and went about my regular day.   W sent me a text mid-morning that said, “I am trying not to cry.  I love you.” 

After lunch I called to set up an appt with the Dr. for Feb 9th, when I will be 10 weeks along, and was so happy to have the receptionist be just as excited about it all as I was.  She told me that our tentative due date is Sept. 8^th.  When I told her I tested positive that morning, she said Friday the 13^th is a lucky day for us.  When she asked how long we’d been trying and I told her it’d been our 13^th month trying, she pointed out that 13 really was our lucky number!  And it really is!  While I had a hard year trying to get the most important thing to happen, I have to know that things happen for a reason.  And I can see those reasons, laid out in front of me.   I am so blessed to have such a great family surrounding me.  I have the best sisters a girl could ask for, who have been there for me through all my sad times.  They feel my sorrow almost as heavy as I do, and were always there for me.  I have the most wonderful husband, who cares about me and loves me through my good days and bad.   And now I have a baby on the way, and I feel like I could burst at the seams with happiness.   Life is good.

Sorrow....

Last night I had a dream that W and I had triplets.  I know it was just a silly dream, but I woke up and couldn't fall back asleep because it was so real, and yet, I was so sad that it wasn't real.  I can't stop thinking about it and it's really getting me down.  I just feel sad everyday (seriously, not a day, and sometimes even hours, go by that I don't think about it.) that this hasn't happened for us.  It's almost starting to feel SO far away, that I start thinking about the future without a baby in it, because it's been this long (one whole year, insane), what's another year?  It's not like I'm saying I don't plan  on having them...I just have started thinking about things W and I will do, or even things like a family trip gets thought about without thought of having a baby or being pregnant...Or maybe having a baby is almost just an afterthought, that may postpone our trip or plans.  The baby stuff is ALWAYS on my mind...but the thoughts are starting to change.  I still hurt all the time, and when I see a pregnant lady or hear about a new pregnancy or birth, I hold back tears of anger and jealousy.  I HATE hearing women complain about being sick or being uncomfortable.  While I think I probably will complain about the same things all these women do, right now all I can think is "At least you can get pregnant and know you're going to have a baby in this many months."  I just never thought it would be this hard.  

I was thinking yesterday; I think part of the reason that I'm actually loving working out right now, is because it's a release for me.  I get to run and push myself harder and it helps me feel better afterwards.  If I can't have a baby, I may as well look good.  Hawaii is also a big part of my motivation though...W and I have been wanting to go to Hawaii for years, and said from the beginning it would be so nice to be able to go before we had kids.  But when we started trying a year ago to get pregnant, the idea got put on the back burner, as we decided that paying off debt and becoming more financially stable was a better idea.  Well a year has changed things a lot, as far as our financial stability, we are almost debt free, we got to redo our kitchen, along with all the other things we had come up...Our smallest pup had to have knee surgery, our cars needed fixing, birthday's came and gifts were given, and month after month we worked hard to save where we could and were able to watch our debt become smaller.  We still have a little ways to go, but are no longer stressed about it.  So we decided a couple of months ago it was time to plan that trip to Hawaii.  A part of me is thrilled that we actually can say we got to cross one big thing off our list before having kids, but the other part kind of knows that we are going on this trip to forget that we haven't been able to have kids.  We both need a break and some "us" time to get away from the stress of daily life and hopefully the daily thoughts of struggling with infertility.

I know I should stay positive, but it is hard.  I keep thinking I need to find a good doctor and schedule an appointment for us to get checked out, but I am so scared, so I keep putting it off.  I keep thinking, I'll just wait until I have this next period...What if I am pregnant this month?  What if I prayed harder and wished on everything and it happened this month?  But I think deep down, I know this probably isn't something we can do on our own.  And I know that's not a bad thing, but I think it gives us both a sense of failure.  It's hard to feel excited or happy to have to go and tell the nurses and doctors that you've been trying for a year and we're still not pregnant.  I imagine the worse and I'm not sure if I'm strong enough to hear something as disappointing as we simply can't have children.  It's something I've spent my whole life just knowing that I'd one day have kids, and although I went through a phase of worrying about all the scary and uncomfortable aspects of being pregnant, I'd take back all the negative things I ever said or thought to experience it.  I want to know what it's like to have human life growing inside of me.  I want to hear their first cries in the delivery room and know that W and I made that child.  I want to hold that infant in my arms and be able to say "How can you love someone so much, when you just met them?"  I want to be a mother.

Thoughts on trying to get pregnant...

I’ve had an up and down last couple of months.  W and I’s relationship is going really well right now.  We are on the same page with things we want to do with our future.  We’ve been working hard to pay off debt, we remodeled our kitchen, which we paid cash for, and are still trying to get pregnant.  But that is where my downs have come from.  We’ve been trying for 10 months and still haven’t succeeded, which has been really hard on me.  W doesn’t seem to notice and that’s been another source of heartache for me.  I feel really alone when my period starts and I don’t have anyone to cry to.  W get’s annoyed when I am sad about it for “too long”, but it’s not something you can put a time frame on.  I’m grieving, in a sense, that I’m not pregnant.  I start to worry that having a baby naturally or even at all, might not be possible.  We’ve spent the last couple of months really  tracking my ovulation cycle and following recommendations to help our chances to conceive, but still have come up short.  I feel like my period is just an awful way to tell me I’m not pregnant.  It starts and then haunts me for a few days, with cramps and headaches, and my emotions are so up and down to go on top of it.  I wish that W would understand better and give me the loving attention that I really need during this hard time.  I wish that he would just let me cry to him, without trying to tell me that it’s not worth crying over.  I wish that he’d feel the same emotions that I do, so that he knew just how much sadness I feel each month.  I think he just doesn’t understand the pain that I’m going through and how much I long for a baby.  I’ve even started getting jealous of celebrities that are pregnant, or having babies.  I have to keep my emotions in check when we are grocery shopping or at the mall, and I see a pregnant woman or a small baby being pushed in a stroller.  I have a hard time not feeling angry towards people that can get pregnant, while I can’t.  I hate that my friend is pregnant after trying for one month and always seems to have something to say about her pregnancy.  What did we talk about before she got pregnant?  She always wants to know how our pregnancy trying is going, and it’s becoming too hard to answer her.  I don’t want to tell my pregnant friend, that I’m STILL not pregnant.  She started 7 months after me, and will have a baby in a few short months.  I long to have morning sickness and know that a baby is coming in a few months.   This same friend of mine said something that really got to me, and even though I told her it offended me, she never apologized for it, only told me that I took it wrong, so I have a hard time feeling happy for her.  Right after her and her husband started trying, I saw her and she told me that they’d started trying and that she felt like she was pregnant.  I was surprised and said you do?  She told me that she had just felt so strongly about having another baby for so long, that she just knew she was, and that it was God’s way of saying “Finally, here’s your baby.”  So to me that meant that even though I’ve felt strongly about having a baby, I must not really be meant to have a baby.   What about all those families that take forever to have kids, or simply can't have them?  I feel like WE make our own decisions, God doesn’t make them for us.  So I am not sure how I was supposed to take it when she said it.  I wish she would’ve explained herself a little more, when I told her it had hurt my feelings.  But I’m sure I’ll just forget about it eventually.  I can’t help but have a bad taste in my mouth, but I do need to move on from it.   W is going to be  travelling over the next couple of months, so we won’t be able to try during that time.  The only good thing about it, is that I won’t worry those 2 months, I’ll just plan on having a period.  A break from it all, might be just what I need.  But we will probably go see a doctor in Jan, and hopefully we’ll know if there’s something wrong with one of us, or if we just need to take fertility pills.  It will be nice to know what could be wrong, so we can get it fixed.  I can’t wait to have a baby and to see W as a dad.  I know he’ll be a great dad!  I love seeing him with the dogs, and him being worried about them, it just proves that he will be even better with our kids. 

Some Beach...

Work is a drag right now.  I'm staying busy, but I just don't want to be here.   Things at home have gotten a lot better.  I talked to W and was able to explain all my feelings and he had no idea I had been feeling so down about the way things were going.  He's always busy and doesn't seem to notice the days that I'm extra quiet or sad.  But he's been putting in more of an effort to make sure he lets me know he's thinking of me.  We've taken the dogs running with us the last couple of days after work and even though I"m sore, it's so worth it.  I want to get into good shape, for the first time in a few years.  I've reached a point that I can't hide the love handles and pooch anymore.  I just need to buckle down and get my excercise routine going.  I want to look good in a bikini and I want clothes to fit me without feeling like I'm always needing to suck my stomach in or try and hide the love handles.  I haven't been great at working out yet, but I am hoping that with W's help, we'll be able to push each other into better shape.  We've been talking about taking a vacation to Cali sometime this summer and it's getting me really excited.  I love the beach and the sun.  I just want to spend the time with W and work on reconnecting and figure out how to stay happy forever.  I can't imagine my life without him...but I know that everyone goes through their ups and downs, so I'm not the only one with issues.  I need to work on being more open to new ideas and not being so bratty all the time.  We've made some big decisions about what we'd like to see happen in the next few months.  If all goes according to plan, we'll have our credit card and his school loan debt paid off by the end of June.  We want to either save up for a new house, or we want to save up for a new kitchen and master bathroom and stay in our house for another few years.  So because we both want these things, I'll just need to deal with not wanting to be at work, and just do it.  But I can always dream of this...