Dreaded 30

Things have been going well for us in the last couple of weeks.  We were really disappointed about IUI #3 not working, but really took our "break" to heart and hadn't wasted a lot of time thinking about our next steps.  We are at an in between with waiting on W's test results and not really knowing what our next steps are.  I was feeling pretty carefree and not concerned with any of the baby stuff, until the day before my 30th birthday hit...And it really made me realize, once again, that we didn't have what we wanted by then.  Yesterday and a little bit into today, I've just felt sad that we aren't much closer to where we'd like to be, than we were 2 1/2 years ago.  I know we'll have all of our tests/labs done with and I can only hope we have some sort of answer soon.  I'm hopeful that we won't be in limbo for too long, because I'm starting to get antsy and know there's no way I could possibly take any longer break than this month.  You just can't force yourself to feel okay pushing back trying for something you want so bad.  Hopefully we'll have answers soon and a game plan.

My sweet hubby

I just wanted to write of a couple of sweet things with my hubby.  He went out of town for a couple of days last week, so after he got home Saturday afternoon, we decided to hit up PF Changs and indulge in our favorite dishes.  I felt like we were in another place, away from all normal life.  We had the best time at dinner.  We talked and laughed and were able to talk a little bit about if this IUI doesn't work, what IVF means to us.  He was so sweet about it all.  I can see just how much he wants this to work too.  We both are scared of IVF and the unknown of it all, but I feel so much peace for the future, knowing that I have him by my side.  He is so good to me.  We had such a wonderful weekend, I didn't want it to end.  We snuggled, giggled, held hands, kissed, and talked all weekend long, and it's those types of weekends that let me know that my life isn't bad.  I have so much good, and if it takes us longer to get a baby, that will be okay.  W and I are good company for each other, and in a way I will be sad to have the days of "just the two of us" gone.

On Sunday we went to Scheels, and browsed the entire store.  As we were walking through, we came across baby strollers, and I thought it was incredibly sweet that W immediately stopped to look at them, and even took one for a spin up and down the aisle.  It's so sweet to me that he takes notice of these types of things, and isn't afraid to get a bit googley eyed looking at the stuff and dreaming of our future.  The longer this journey takes, the more and more I see just how good of a dad he will be.  I cannot wait to see him in action, holding our little one and changing their tiny lil' bum.

IUI #3 and IVF Talk

The last couple of days I've been really thinking.  Digging deep, finding myself lost in my thoughts as to what I'm really feeling.  We did IUI #2 in March and it didn't work.  So I got ahold of my doctor to ask what more we could do on our next IUI to help our chances.  He went over the options, that would really only raise our chances 1-2%, but would double the cost of the IUI.  He told me that he doesn't want us to do more than 3 IUI's, so I made the decision to just try this IUI the same as #2 and just hope that it works. 

 Dr. P said that if #3 doesn't work this month, he'd like me to make an appt to see him to go over our next step which will be IVF.  IVF is such a dreaded thing to me.  I truly never thought I'd hear that as an option for us.  You spend so much time being focused on all these little things that could be wrong; timing or maybe missing ovulation here and there.  You follow instructions from doctors, and believe that this month it's going to work.  I've done 6 cycles with Femara, 3 with Progesterone.  I've spent the last year timing out my ovulation with predicter kits.  I've taken prenatal vitamins (That my OB/GYN prescribed) for over a year and all these things were money out of our pocket and down the drain.  I can't honestly say it was all worth it.   Now I am adding 2 failed IUI's and the ultrasound and fertlity drugs we used to the list as wasted time and money.  I guess I don't like to say wasted, because you have to be willing to do what it takes to know if it will work.  But it's really hard to see it as money well spent, when there's nothing to show for it.

With IVF, my thoughts keep coming back to how much time and money we could end up spending on one cycle.  And what if that cycle doesn't work?  How long will it take us to save up for the next one?  How much of my vacation time will be used for treatments, instead of a real vacation?  And will we ever get a real vacation again?  We have been blessed to do things that others will never do, but I've felt like we've earned it for having such a hard time getting pregnant.  Now, I feel like we could have to give up on so much, use savings that we wanted to pay our house down with.  Use savings that we wanted to use as a down payment.  Use savings that could go towards that next getaway to give us a break from the challenges that infertitlity brings.  I'm sure it seems selfish, since I really would do anything to have a baby, but how unfair it still seems that we are even having to think of the future differently.  We've worked hard to save up, hoping that within the first couple years of our kid's life, we'd be able to sell our house and move into somewhere we wanted to be forever.  This could potentially change everything we've ever hoped for.  This could mean we have to stay living in a neighborhood I can't imagine raising kids in.  This could mean I might not get to stay at home with my kids, because our savings is now gone.  Infertility not only changes us personally, but it changes everything in our lives. 

My other thought has been, what if IVF doesn't work?  How many cycles do you really do, and can I ever truly find happiness in giving up that dream of having my own biological kids?  I thought I would adopt with no problems, if I couldn't have kids, but now that I do have the idea in the back of my mind as a possibility, it just doesn't seem right.  No one can truly know how they feel about it, until they've gone through it.  It's not as easy as you think, before getting into it all.  Maybe my mind will be more open to it, should we get to that point of knowing we can't have kids.

Sometimes I feel like I'm living in a dream.  How can this be our life?  How can we have our path changed so many times, when we have no control?   How do we continue to hold onto hope, after 2 and a half years of disappointments?  How do we let go of the anger and sadness and push forward?  It's all so surreal and I don't really like the person I have become throughout all this.  When do I get to try and go back to the way I was before?

I might be jumping the gun, when we really do have one more shot with an IUI.  Maybe 3rd time will be the charm for us?  I just needed to get some things off my chest, so maybe they'll stop running through my mind all day long.  I do feel calm and at peace with this next IUI, so I think I can honestly say I do feel hopeful, but there's also a side of being realistic that won't let me fully believe it's going to work.  We'll know our answer by the end of the month, though.

IUI #1

Did IUI #1 on February 14th.  Was supposed to be able to test yesterday, and after 2 weeks of stressing and hoping, we were excited to finally have it over with.  But, I got a great big disappointment when I started spotting and cramping at work.  I knew by the evening that my period was starting, but decided to test anyway.  It was negative.  It's been a rough 24 hours.

I found out a couple days before that, I don't need surgery that my uterus is just heart shaped.  So that was good news.

Stand Still

My plan didn't go the way I'd hoped.  Our Jan 15th appt showed a Uterine Septum (it happens in 3% of women), which requires surgery to fix.  Instead of getting the trigger shot, we were told to use protection and not get pregnant until further notice.  I had an MRI on the 27th, which confirmed the septum.  Now I'm playing the waiting game; Waiting for the doctor to get the results to me, so I can get the surgery scheduled and out of the way. 

That hope is gone right now, and I'm feeling a lot of different things.  Why couldn't my OB/GYN go through this test a year ago?  Why do I have to feel like 2 years of my life has been wasted on the gamble of it all?  Why did I have to tell myself that everything would be perfect by the time I was 30?  I've set myself up for failure, and can't seem to move past that.  I know things could change, my birthday isn't till the middle of May, but it's hard to think like that right now.  I'm broken, once again.

Blog

I just wanted to post a link to this blog I've been reading a lot lately.  I'm nearing the most recent posts and am getting into dates that stand out to me.  We started trying in November 2010 and by June 2011, I was already starting to feel the effects that infertility brings.  I didn't understand then, why it was taking us so long to get pregnant.  I had a friend really hurt my feelings by saying some things about herself TTC, and feeling like she was already pregnant, and knowing that it was God's way of saying "Finally, here's your baby."  Those words never have left my mind, because it cut deep, even then.  When I read this blog post today, and the letter she wrote to her 2 closest friends, it made me realize that my best friends and possibly even my family, may not really understand what I'm going through.  It's wrong of me to assume that everyone gets that I've changed, because of the heartache and sadness that IF brings.  I want to look back, one day when I am pregnant, and re-read the words that stand out so profoundly to me during my hardest days.  Both links in this blog post are powerful and beautifully written.

http://egghunt.wordpress.com/2011/07/

Happy!

I feel incredibly happy today!  W and I went to see our fertility doctor for the first time this morning, and it went so well.  We both took a liking to the office, the nurse who got us started and Dr. P.  He was amazing, kind and personable.  He got right to the point, asking us questions and had answers without having to think about things.  He was so confident, which in turn makes us confident.  He said that he likes to treat his patients as if they were his daughters.  That he would never recommend anything to me, if he didn't think it would help me.  I love that he immediately made me feel at ease, and less of a doctor/patient feeling.  He made sure we understood all the things he was talking about, and went through each option thoroughly.  He gave us time to ask questions and answered them easily.

He is putting W on some vitamins to help his sperm be healthy and told him to cut back on coffee, as well as gave him a prescription to quit smoking for good.  No more of this back and forth stuff.  W seems ready to make the change and I think having Dr. P be so confident in him really helps.  Sure, he still has a long road ahead of him, but because he's already been trying to quit, I think that will also help me.  Dr, P has me scheduled to go back next month, right before our vacation, to check out my tubes and make sure there are no cysts or polyps, and that my tubes are open and things are able to get through them.  He is putting me on Femara and will give me a trigger shot, to help us time our trying while on vacation.  He had my blood drawn today, (which only took 3 different pricks and 2 nurses to do.  Ha Ha) to test the AMH levels, to see how old my eggs are.  He wants to jump right in, in Feb with an IUI.  He wants to keep me on Femara and do the trigger shots with the IUI, as well. 

He told us he only wants to see me 2 times.  Once this morning, and then again to check out my tubes.  He'll have his nurse(s) do the IUI for us.  He said he will see us again, when we bring our baby in to see him.  W and I left the appt feeling so happy and excited about our next step(s).  He has put the excitement back into this process for us, and I'm so grateful for that.  Sure, it's not spontaneous and romantic, but it gives W and I less to stress over and more time to continue building up our relationship.  We are able to focus on the things we can control and let Dr. P take more control of this part of the process.  We are putting our trust in him, and feeling really good about that. 

Another couple of things that I liked about the appointment, too.  He wrote on my chart that he saw me for "painful periods", so our insurance won't refuse to pay.  That is so cool.  He knows we'll pay enough out of pocket to have a baby, why do we have to start now?  He included the blood tests into today's appt, so that won't be anymore out of our pockets either.  As he was listening to my heart, he asked if I was a runner, when I replied yes, he said "Yep, you have a runner's heart."  Although, that had nothing to do with anything else today, it made me feel good knowing that my running is helping me.  It's also nice to have a doctor able to tell such a thing.  He told me I need to "fatten" up a little bit, since my BMI is low.  He didn't push me too much on that, just said I'd need some fat on my stomach to do the trigger shots, ha ha.

I'm feeling really grateful this week, and especially today.  W was out of town for 7 weeks, and I've gotten to spend time with him in the last few days and it makes me happy.  He makes me laugh and is silly with me and I love that about him.  He has a way of making me want to be better.  With this appt out of the way, I feel like I can really enjoy the holidays and look forward to our vacation next month, and not stress about what the future holds for having a baby.  We are blessed to get to go away on vacation and to have the vacation already paid for.  We've worked hard for what we have and where we're at, and it's finally paying off.  I can't wait for 2013 and for our journey to continue.  2012 will fade away and be a memory, one day.  All the heartache of 2011 and 2012 won't matter, as our puzzle pieces fall into place.  I hope and pray that our journey goes the way I'm hoping.

Today...

I've felt heavy in my heart today.  I learned last night that W is coming home, after being gone for 7 weeks, and am really happy and excited for it!   But a part of me is feeling a bit nervous about our Dr. appt next week.  I'm feeling scared and sad about the coming months and can't get rid of the "what if's" that linger in the back of my mind.  I've been reading this blog for a few weeks now, and have gone all the way back to the beginning, so I could read her whole story.  I am so grateful that I've found this blog.  This girl speaks so many things that I've thought of before, and really helps me figure out what all my feelings/emotions are, when I can't quite make sense of them.  The post I was reading today is from Dec 15, 2010.  We were one month into trying, and I thought we'd be pregnant by Christmas and sharing the happy news soon thereafter.  But, that was not the case, obviously.   I was realizing that her post was written almost exactly 2 years ago, and how different I feel about the whole TTC.  It's definitely been a road I never thought I'd travel.  It's also one that has made me a more bitter and negative person.  I question the way things work out, all the time.  I can't understand why it happens so easily for some and is so heart wrenching for others.  Egghunt puts it perfectly in this blog post and lets me see that my feelings aren't that far from the "normal" infertile person.  I'm not alone in the stages of grieving that I go through each month.  I'm not alone in the heartache/anger/confusion/sick-to-my-stomach feelings I get when I hear another pregnancy announcement.  It's so nice to have my feelings validated in a way, by only reading someone else's blog. 

 

Christmas hasn't felt very merry this year.  I told myself we were going to take a break (as if I actually had any say, with W being out of town) and that I'd "enjoy" the holidays and not feel any pressure.  But it just doesn't work that way.  You don't get to just say you're taking a break, and then stop thinking about it.  Egghunt talks about being a Grinch, and how she said she'd never be one of those people.   It's one of those things that you think you can control, you can forget about the months into years of heartache and just enjoy this festive time of year.  It isn't as easy as it looks. 

 

Anyway, I wanted to have this post saved, and share it with others.  I want to remember that through all of this, I am not alone.

 

http://egghunt.wordpress.com/2010/12/