How quickly things can change

The last week has been a hard one for me.  Last Tuesday I started spotting lightly.  I called my nurse and asked her about it.  She told me that it was perfectly fine, as long as it was light, and to keep watching it.  If I wanted to I could come in for an U/S to make sure everything was fine.  The spotting didn't get too bad, but I did start cramping a little that afternoon/evening.

I went to bed that night, and woke up around 1:30 with really bad cramps.  Bad enough that I couldn't get comfortable, and tossed and turned for a while.  I decided to move out to the couch at 3:00 am, and figured I'd call later that morning to get an appt for an U/S.  But then I felt a gush of blood, along with clots.  I started crying and called W, who was out of town.  I told him I was sure I was miscarrying and just cried.  He was pretty upset and sad.  He said he'd see if he could possibly leave a day early to come home.  We hung up and tried to get more sleep, but neither of us were really able to.  He called again at 6:00, and said they were packing up to come home.  I waited until 8 and called to set up my appt.  The nurse told me not to worry just yet, because it didn't mean I was miscarrying.

I went in at 10:00 that Wednesday morning.  The dr was quick to get things moving, and found the heart still beating on our little one.  He pointed out that I had a subchorionic hemorrhage, which can cause spotting and cramping, but wasn't anything to worry about.  I left there very relieved and cried in the car.  I took the day off from work to take it easy.  W was driving home still and I hung out with my mom and sister for the day.  Once W got home I headed home to hang out with him.

I had been cramping throughout the afternoon and my tylenol wasn't helping at this point.  W and I sat on the couch talking about it all and saying how grateful we were that things were okay.  I had a couple more small gushes of blood and told W I don't know how I'm going to stay sane if this bleeding keeps up like this.  The cramps were bad enough that I decided to get in the tub, and had W put the shower head right on my pelvis.  It did help to ease the pain for a while.  But at 6:00 I had a very large clot, including fleshy stuff, come out.  W and I both freaked out at seeing such a large clot and decided we'd better save it in a plastic bag.  I passed another big clot and then the bleeding wouldn't stop.  At about 6:30, we realized this was bad.  I tried to put on 2 different pairs of underwear, before soaking through them in less than a minute.  W called the on call doctor who told us to go to the ER.

W got towels set up in his car and I was able to hurry and get dressed and grab a few things to head to the hospital.  Lots of bleeding and clots kept passing on our way to the hospital.  W had them bring out a wheel chair for me so I wouldn't have to walk in with blood on me.  I'm so glad I was in a wheel chair, because I got sick really quickly after waiting in the waiting room.  I started throwing up and then feeling really sick and passed out.  They were able to get me back to a room pretty quickly and hooked up to an IV.  I soaked through 6 layers of towels, along with my clothes and the pads/wash clothes I had on.  The bleeding continued as the doctor did an exam, which was not a fun experience.  They had given me medicine for the nausea, but I didn't have anything for the pain.  The exam hurt a lot, and the doctor wasn't as gentle as he could've been.  I got some morphine and felt comfortable for a little bit.  We went back for an U/S and the tech said there was no longer a heartbeat.  It was so crazy to me that 8 or 9 hours later things had changed so much.

As we waited for all the test results to come back, I started feeling sick again.  My IV was empty and I had already pushed the button to have the nurse come back in to give me more medicine.  W gave me a bag and I sat up to throw up.  It all came on so suddenly that W decided to hurry and grab a wash cloth to help cool me down.  As he moved from the bed, I passed out and hit my ear on the side rail of my bed.  By the time I came to, he already had me in his arms apologizing for walking away for a second.  The RN didn't seem too concerned by it, just hooked up the IV bag and left again.  W just kept saying he felt so bad, but he was doing more than enough to try and help.

The ER doctor came back in to let us know that the sac had already passed, and so my bleeding should've stopped by now.  They called in their OB/GYN, Dr. N to do a D&C on me.  Dr. N was so nice and I felt comfortable with him right away.  He was so sorry for us and explained what he was going to do.  Once his team was there, they wheeled me back for the surgery.  The nurse was so sweet and kind.  She reminded me a lot of my mom, which I was so grateful for at that time.  They had to put a tube down my throat, since I'd eaten a banana on the way to the hospital.  I was already knocked out at the time, but they had to wake me up to help them get it out.  My throat was sore and my mouth was so dry.  The post surgery nurse was also wonderful.  She made me comfortable and was also so sweet about such a rough thing.

We don't have an answer as to what could've been the cause.  We are told this is such a rare occurrence.  That the hemorrhage is perfectly normal and really shouldn't have been the cause.  Dr. N pointed out that we really only had a 5% chance of miscarrying when we did.  While I could choose to focus on the negative of it, I have to hope that means it won't happen again in the future.  I emailed Dr. P about it and he said that an important thing to remember is that when we miscarry it is our bodies way of rejecting a potentially bad set of chromosomes.  He also said that we have great percentages of success in the future with our frozen embryos.

I can't end the post without also sharing how great W was to me.  I am so grateful that he was home to be with me, and feel like maybe there was a reason I didn't miscarry any sooner.  He didn't get grossed out with all the blood that I lost.  He was there to comfort me the whole time and really helped me feel comfortable.  He answered text messages from my mom and sisters, and kept them updated the whole night.  He cried with me and held my hand.  He kept kissing my forehead and cheek and making sure I was okay.  I am so lucky to have him with me through this.  If there is one good thing I can find to come out of it, is feeling more and more close to him through it all.  We are in this together, and of course it's hard, but I really can get through anything with him at my side.  I love him so much and feel that same love from him.

8 weeks 5 Days and Sick

I just wanted to document the steps that are coming along with this pregnancy.  I had been feeling a little bit nauseous in week 7 into 8, but nothing like what I feel like lately.  Starting right about the beginning of week 8, the sickness has definitely gotten worse.  I feel car sick all the time, and it becomes worse in the afternoon into the night.  I haven't thrown up yet, so I am grateful for that.  W has been out of town since Wednesday (which was 8 weeks for me) and so I've felt a bit miserable in dealing with it alone.  I've felt more tired than usual, and some days are worse than others.  I've gained one pound so far, and feel bloated and a bit uncomfortable in regular jeans.

But on the bright side, it reminds me of being pregnant and makes me grateful that everything seems to be normal thus far.  I'll take being sick, as hard as it is to deal with.

I got to tell my last brother we are pregnant on Friday night, which was fun.  I love having reactions from people who are surprised by it all.  Going through IVF is definitely a different experience to go through.  It takes away the element of surprise, but I wouldn't have changed it.  I am grateful that I chose to share with those closest to me, as the support I got was so helpful in the process.  But I do feel a little bit ripped off in the joys that surprising everyone brings.  I still keep trying to think of ways to still add the element of surprise in, with maybe a gender reveal party or something of the like.

8 weeks and the heart beat

I couldn't let this week end without writing my thoughts on this week.  What a wonderful week it was!  I'd been counting down the days to Tuesday and feeling a mixture of excitement and nervousness.  Nervous that this embryo hadn't actually taken ahold correctly, that we could have a ectopic or chemical pregnancy.  But excited to finally see if we had a healthy baby growing or maybe identical twins.  Excited to see our little peanut and hear the heart beat.

Tuesday came and it was perfect.  W and I met at the office and they called us right back.  Checked my stats and had me change.  Dr. P must've been just as anxious as us, because he was ready to come in before I had a chance to sit down and cover up.  We started the ultrasound and immediately saw our little ONE up on the screen.  It is already moving around and was so cool to see.  Dr. P pointed out the heart beat for us to see.  They did all the measurements, and everything looks great!  It's measuring right on schedule.  Then he moved on to what he called the fun part, hearing the heart beat.  And it was incredible!  I've never heard something so amazing in my life!  I immediately started crying and grabbed W's hand.  I am just in awe of it all.  I can't believe I'm carrying a tiny little baby around.

A couple other cool things from the appt with Dr. P.  He asked who our regular OB/GYN is going to be.  I told him Dr. D and he said, "Oh A?  She's great, you'll love her.  Her dad was also an OB/GYN.  Please tell her hello for me when you see her."  He gave both me and W a hug after the ultrasound and told us he wants us to bring the baby back in to see after it's born.  We gave him a pair of BYU socks and wrote a thank you card.  I am genuinely sad to leave the UCRM, as they've been so incredible to us.  I feel so much gratitude to them for helping us get to this point.  We are getting to experience the dream of getting pregnant and planning for our family and it's such an incredible feeling.  I've felt so emotional all week...I'm sure it's the hormones, but I feel so thankful for how things are going in our life right now.  I can't wait for each milestone to pass and to meet this little one.  We already love it so much.

I decided to tell the rest of my siblings this week, as well.  We told J&M on Saturday and got a sweet reaction from M, who jumped up out of her chair to hug me.  I told my oldest brother on Wednesday and got the "Oh that's good!  I almost bought you a BYU onsie the other day, but wasn't sure if you were all done with the IVF or not."  I told my youngest brother that night and I think his reaction is my favorite so far.  He looked so surprised and said are you serious?  And gave me the best hug!  I asked if he wanted to see the ultrasound pictures and he was so excited to see them.  I just have one last brother to tell this weekend, and I'm excited to see his reaction too.  J is an awesome uncle and our niece and nephew adore him.

So now we just have 4 more weeks in the first trimester.  And 3 weeks till we meet Dr. D and get to see our little peanut again. 

The Results

Beta #1 was done on Saturday morning.  W and I woke up bright and early and went to get my blood drawn.  We hung out at home, hoping the time would go by faster.  We watched a movie and then decided to get started on some yard work, instead of sitting around.  That's when the call came.  It was good news!  My beta number was 371, which is fantastic!  The nurse gave me instructions to continue on with the progesterone injections and Estrace pills.  She told me I needed to come in for another blood draw on Monday morning, to make sure the number is rising.  And to schedule a viability U/S with Dr. P in a couple of weeks.  She congratulated us and hung up.  I jumped into W's arms and cried with him for a second.  We both couldn't wipe the grin off our face for a couple hours.

I hung out with my sisters that night.  They both knew we'd had the test that morning, and so I tried to go into the night with my best poker face, so I could still try to surprise them.  I said: Okay, I'll tell you what the nurse said, then we can continue on with the night.  She gave me the number and said she'd like me to come in again on Monday to see if the number gets any better.....Because we're pregnant!  Both sisters were teary eyed and said they thought I was going to give bad news!  I love when I am a good actress!  They asked why I wasn't crying, and I told them I think I'm just too shocked my it all right now.

We told my parents the next night, after everyone had left their house.  I just simply said: Do you guys want to be grandparents in May or June?  And got teary hugs from them, and my dad also saying why aren't you crying, and I am?  Ha Ha.  But truth is, I was feeling anxious about Monday's numbers.  It seems too good to be true, what if the numbers don't rise?  But I still wanted to share the news with them, knowing that my mom was waiting for the results too.  Dad went out and picked some apples for me to eat, and said that I need to make sure I'm better at eating fruits and vegetables now that I've got his grand baby growing in there.  Ha Ha.  Makes me happy thinking of their reactions again.

Monday I got another blood draw.  I asked the girl taking my blood what they'd like to see, she said they want the numbers to double.  She said my 371 number is really good, and I should be happy with those results.  I felt anxious waiting for the results, and tried to stay busy at work.  I got the call just before lunch and the number was fantastic!  It more than doubled up to 768!  So we really are good and pregnant and I'm thrilled.

I got my girlfriends together on Monday night to share the good news.  I downloaded an app on my phone and am starting to feel more giddy about it all.  Today, I am 5 weeks pregnant.  Yes, it's still early, but I feel so good and at peace with it all.  I am going to continue to take it easy, not start running again, just yet.  I won't be drinking caffeine or doing anything I think could create a bad environment for this little baby.  I want to do everything I can, to ensure I create the best home for this little "Afro Baby", as we've started calling it.

Transfer Done

We went in for my transfer on Monday morning (9/16/13) and got a picture of our 2 strongest embryos.  It is pretty cool to see.  The doctor told us we still had 12 embryos, but there was 2 that had already slowed down in splitting, so to expect them to not survive.  He asked us how many embies we wanted to implant.  Told us with one, which he recommends, he'd give it a 55-60% chance of working, and still have a 3-11% chance of the embryo splitting to give us identical twins.  If we were to put in 2, he said the odds of twins was 40%, but along with that comes the big risks of having twins.  Premature birth, breath troubles, ADD, autism, learning disabilities.  We had already planned on just putting in 1, so that's what we did.  He chose the strongest one, with the "afro", as we called it.  There was a dark sort of thing on the outside, that resembled hair, which they explained was a really good thing.  It was a cell that helps to keep bacteria and bad cells away from the embryo. (Side note: we had 6 embryos by this point.  So 5 are now frozen.)

After they were done, they gave us a picture of the embryo in my uterus.  I started to ask him if they knew what side the embryo was at, meaning would I know which side it implants on?  Before I could finish, he said "It's a boy, congratulations."  Which cracked me and Will up.  I love that we can joke around with Dr. P and feel so much confidence in him.  As he was leaving, I said I wish I could give you a hug right now.  He said You can give me a hug when I see you at your first pregnancy ultrasound.  He gives us so much hope that this will work.

I spent Monday and Tuesday on strict bed rest.  I had lunch brought to me by my sisters.  Lazed around and caught up on shows.  Wednesday, I took it easy but wasn't confined to bed.  My friends came over to do crafts and brought me lunch.  It was so nice all the texts and phone calls from my friends and family.  It's so nice to have so many people rooting for us and wanting this to work, just as much as we do.  I can't wait for the test and for it to finally be positive and stick!  It's going to be an exciting time in our lives.  I'm choosing to be positive and happy that it will work.  I would be crushed regardless, so why carry doubt around now?  This is going to work!  We'll have us a baby by June!

Our baby embies!

I got the call from the Embryologist this morning.  He said we have 12 embryos growing right now!  We had 17 eggs, and only have lost 5 so far!   I couldn't be happier!  He'll call us on Sunday to give me an update on our embies and set a time for the transfer on Monday!  It almost feels too good to be true, but I'm going to choose to revel in this happiness!  Things are working out so well, I'm so pleased!

Egg Retrieval

The egg retrieval is done!  W and I went at 7:30 to our clinic.  They brought me back and had me get changed into a gown, got my IV started and then went over everything with Dr. J.  They brought me back to a room with a chair with stirup pedals on either side.  Then tilted me way back, leaving me rather exposed, ha.  They gave me some medicine, that made me "forget" or think I was asleep the whole time.  At one point I "woke" up and felt a little bit of pain.  I could see there was 3 doctors working on me, and when I stirred one of them put their hand on my knee, and the nurse rubbed my shoulder.  It was really comforting to have them there.  Once they were done, they brought me back to my recovery room, which I don't remember going to.  I remember W coming in, and thought I fell asleep for a time, but later found out I must've closed my eyes for a couple minutes, because I was talking to W about how it went, etc.  He said I couldn't stop smiling the whole time we were in the room, but I just felt so happy to have that part over with!  They had me eat some crackers and drink some juice and then let me get dressed to go home.  I felt a little bit sore, and tired, but couldn't stop feeling so happy!

I told W later last night that I love the staff at our clinic.  As we start in the recovery room, before even doing the retrieval, the receptionist walked in the back door to clock in and immediately grinned and waved.  As we were leaving (they wheeled me out in a wheelchair), the doctor was so sweet to notice and say goodbye, as well as one of the nurses reached out to grab my hand and say good luck!  I feel so much love and support from people who do this daily.  I'm just another patient, but they have done so well at making me feel as though I'm the only person there.  They are rooting for this to work, and it's so nice having such a great team on my side.

After we got home, W got ready to go into work and I got all my meds together and made myself an inclining bed in our bed, since I couldn't lay flat yesterday.  I ate my little donuts and sipped on my gatorade.  I was able to sleep for a couple hours, then moved over to the couch and got comfortable there.  My sister K came over with fries and a shake and we watched The Sound of Music.  W decided to stay late since K was hanging out with me.  I realized a little after 6, that it was time for my first progesterone shot and realized I was going to have to do the shot myself.  We got everything ready, looked at the instruction video a couple times.  I got the inject site ready, but couldn't make myself jam the 2 inch needle into my butt.  So K stepped up and did the shot for me.  It was a funny thing, as she jammed it in and made me start giggling.  I tried to control it, since she couldn't concentrate enough to do the injection, but kept starting up again a few seconds later.  The spot is pretty sore today, like a good bruise on the muscle.  I'm really hoping we don't have to do the progesterone injections for too long.  I'm hoping we can do the suppositories after all the Lupron is out of my system.  It will make life a whole lot easier, knowing W will soon be travelling for work and I don't know that I'll ever be able to do these shots on myself.

They got 17 eggs yesterday, which was so exciting to hear!  I'll hear from the embryologist tomorrow about how many survived into embryos and when the day of transfer will be.  I'm really hoping for a good amount of embryos, and would really like to do a 5 day transfer on Monday with Dr. P.  For now, I'm reveling in having one big hurdle crossed and being one step closer to being pregnant!

Girlfriends

I wanted to write a quick post about how great of girlfriends I have.  I had my group of high school girlfriends over to my house on Friday night.   All of us girls have been friends since high school, some of us since Jr. High.  We may not see each other more than a couple times year, at times, but we never miss a beat.  We always pick back up where we left off and have the best time.  Friday was no exception!  I am so grateful to have them as my friends and the night couldn't have gone better.

We enjoyed dinner and lots of talking and laughing.  They asked about our IVF cycle and listened to me ramble on about details that most people never even think about.  After dinner B did my Chakra balance, which was so healing and wonderful.  She asked me to say a prayer on my own before we did it, and I did asking for an open mind and for a chance to heal from my past pain and hurt.  To move forward and would know what steps to take.  I also asked for a blessing on the cycle that it could work, but that if it still isn't our time, then to help me not hold onto anger and bad feeling surrounding it.  Help us to heal and to move forward towards having our family.

B's blessing during the balance said a lot of the same things.  She pointed out feelings I've been holding onto that really made me release a lot of anger and hurt I've been feeling for a long time.  It was a pretty amazing prayer she said and I immediately felt a weight lifted off my chest, in my stomach and on my shoulders.  I felt like my girlfriends had a chance to see a little bit into what I've felt for over 2 years now.  I was able to hug each of my friends and feel so much love from them.  How grateful I am to have them through this journey!

After the chakra balance we stayed together talking and laughing and enjoying the evening.  We had lots of yummy food, lots of laughs and a few tears shed together.  I loved it and feel like it did wonders for my heart and mind.  At the end of the evening. B got out some essential oils and went over the ones she loves and uses the most.  She gave us all samples of what she had and let us ask about things that we could use each day. 

On Saturday I woke up feeling so great!  The bruises on my stomach didn't seem to hurt as bad and my mood was so happy and light.  I really do think that girlfriends and a prayer we share together can make a world of difference.  I'm def going to require we all get together more often, because I'm not the only one going through ups and downs in life, and I want everyone to get a chance to experience how good I am feeling.