Last night I had a dream that W and I had triplets. I know it was just a silly dream, but I woke up and couldn't fall back asleep because it was so real, and yet, I was so sad that it wasn't real. I can't stop thinking about it and it's really getting me down. I just feel sad everyday (seriously, not a day, and sometimes even hours, go by that I don't think about it.) that this hasn't happened for us. It's almost starting to feel SO far away, that I start thinking about the future without a baby in it, because it's been this long (one whole year, insane), what's another year? It's not like I'm saying I don't plan on having them...I just have started thinking about things W and I will do, or even things like a family trip gets thought about without thought of having a baby or being pregnant...Or maybe having a baby is almost just an afterthought, that may postpone our trip or plans. The baby stuff is ALWAYS on my mind...but the thoughts are starting to change. I still hurt all the time, and when I see a pregnant lady or hear about a new pregnancy or birth, I hold back tears of anger and jealousy. I HATE hearing women complain about being sick or being uncomfortable. While I think I probably will complain about the same things all these women do, right now all I can think is "At least you can get pregnant and know you're going to have a baby in this many months." I just never thought it would be this hard.
I was thinking yesterday; I think part of the reason that I'm actually loving working out right now, is because it's a release for me. I get to run and push myself harder and it helps me feel better afterwards. If I can't have a baby, I may as well look good. Hawaii is also a big part of my motivation though...W and I have been wanting to go to Hawaii for years, and said from the beginning it would be so nice to be able to go before we had kids. But when we started trying a year ago to get pregnant, the idea got put on the back burner, as we decided that paying off debt and becoming more financially stable was a better idea. Well a year has changed things a lot, as far as our financial stability, we are almost debt free, we got to redo our kitchen, along with all the other things we had come up...Our smallest pup had to have knee surgery, our cars needed fixing, birthday's came and gifts were given, and month after month we worked hard to save where we could and were able to watch our debt become smaller. We still have a little ways to go, but are no longer stressed about it. So we decided a couple of months ago it was time to plan that trip to Hawaii. A part of me is thrilled that we actually can say we got to cross one big thing off our list before having kids, but the other part kind of knows that we are going on this trip to forget that we haven't been able to have kids. We both need a break and some "us" time to get away from the stress of daily life and hopefully the daily thoughts of struggling with infertility.
I know I should stay positive, but it is hard. I keep thinking I need to find a good doctor and schedule an appointment for us to get checked out, but I am so scared, so I keep putting it off. I keep thinking, I'll just wait until I have this next period...What if I am pregnant this month? What if I prayed harder and wished on everything and it happened this month? But I think deep down, I know this probably isn't something we can do on our own. And I know that's not a bad thing, but I think it gives us both a sense of failure. It's hard to feel excited or happy to have to go and tell the nurses and doctors that you've been trying for a year and we're still not pregnant. I imagine the worse and I'm not sure if I'm strong enough to hear something as disappointing as we simply can't have children. It's something I've spent my whole life just knowing that I'd one day have kids, and although I went through a phase of worrying about all the scary and uncomfortable aspects of being pregnant, I'd take back all the negative things I ever said or thought to experience it. I want to know what it's like to have human life growing inside of me. I want to hear their first cries in the delivery room and know that W and I made that child. I want to hold that infant in my arms and be able to say "How can you love someone so much, when you just met them?" I want to be a mother.
