It’s almost May now, and I’ve already begun thinking about the end of 2012 and all the things that could be different by the end of the year. W and I have started some projects for the year and are really enjoying the time we spend working together and the results we see in the end. We have financial goals of where we’d like to be at the end of the year. But my one big goal at the beginning of this year was to have a baby. Even after my miscarriage I held onto a lot of hope that we’d just find that we’d missed a couple chances throughout last year to get pregnant, and it would just happen quickly for us. I felt like my body was back to normal when I had a 2nd period in April, since the miscarriage in Jan. So W and I decided to go ahead and start trying in April. I bought ovulation testers and checked it each morning. We got a positive and were excited to begin the process again, almost believing we were already pregnant by timing the days out perfectly. But my period came 4 days early this month, not really giving me a chance to do the whole “wait and see” for this month. I am glad to not have gotten my hopes up, only to have it be crushed as my period started right on time. But with each month, my hopes are always up. That is something I can’t get away from. No matter how much I try and tell myself to be realistic and calm about things, I always have so much hope and dream that our long journey will end.
But as I talked to my sister earlier today, she reminded me that I can change my goal around a little bit and my goal can be to be pregnant before 2012 ends. I was remembering how I felt last year, as each major holiday approached, I’d be planning out an elaborate way to tell my family that we were expecting. I couldn’t help but go through that same scenario this month, in hopes that I could tell my family on Mother’s Day…And as I told my sister that now I can just try for Father’s Day, somewhere in the back of my mind tells me to be realistic, and not get my hopes up again. Father’s Day is just 2 short months away, what will be different this month, that makes me think we’ll have good news to share on Father’s Day? And it doesn’t have to be a major holiday to make it special. I just need to bring my focus back to being hopeful and knowing that it will happen for us.
Sometimes I start to feel like me getting pregnant and miscarrying was all a dream/nightmare. How can you try for so long to get pregnant, to have it finally happen when you least expected it…Then have it taken away so quickly? It’s been 3 months since I miscarried and the feeling still feels so raw and fresh. I feel like it’s going to take us getting pregnant and having a baby before that pain subdues.
I’ve been exercising regularly and have started eating a lot better. I feel happier and my mind feels clearer. Running has been great for me, it gives me time to really think things through without any interruptions. It gives me something to look forward to each day and gives me a goal to work towards that I get instant results from. I ran my first 5k in March and am now working towards building up my strength to do a longer distance run in a couple months.
I still feel really blessed to have all the things I do have going for me. W and I have been doing really good, and are in a really comfortable phase in our relationship. We’ve continued to communicate better, and have even become better friends. I love having W bring up ideas he has for our future baby room or different plans that revolve around having kids, it always makes me happy. He is so good to me, and I certainly wouldn’t change these moments we have, for anything.
