Infertile or not?

I've had some thoughts on my mind a lot lately, and they've come up more and more the last couple of days.  With infertility awareness week being here last week, I kept thinking of little ways I could maybe posts things to show my support.  But it all comes down to me not feeling I am ready to share that part of my heart with others.  I have this blog, and just barely made it public, but haven't even shared that fact with more than my sisters and 2 or 3 of my closest girlfriends.  As time has gone on TTC, we've shared with our immediate families and close friends, as a means for support and have been so grateful for it.  And then as even more time has passed, we have started to hear about extended family going through issues of their own, and have slowly told some of them of our struggles.  But it still feels too private to me to just talk about out in the open.  I am too scared of being offended by dumb people, who really don't know any better, and so I figure why give them the chance to hurt my feelings?  You can't expect people to know the "right" thing to say.  And haven't we all said something to someone unknowingly?  I can remember when I was 12 or 13.  I was so young and dumb.  I was babysitting for this young family and the mom had given birth maybe 3 or 4 months before, when I went to sit for them for the afternoon.  I can remember she was wearing a flowy top and I just asked her if she was having another baby?  Her husband jumped in and said 'Hey don't you say that about my beautiful wife!'  I felt SO bad and knew right then to NEVER ask a woman if she's pregnant.  But the same can go for any topic, can't it?  All those people that never thought about getting pregnant probably don't even know what IVF or IUI stands for.  They assume that it's "easy" and so their simple replies of "just relax and it will happen" shouldn't be offensive.  Now, when there are people who know (aka my dumb boss) what we've gone through and still says "You don't want kids, they ruin your life."  Or "You can have my kids, I didn't even want them." then I am offended.

Anyway, that wasn't even the point of my post.  I wanted to write down some thoughts I've had about infertility from my point of view.  We're going on close to 4 years of trying now.  In the first year, it was hard, and I couldn't understand why it wasn't happening so easily, but "infertile" never crossed my mind.  Then when we got pregnant right before getting tests done at my OB/GYN and thought, we really must've just been missing the ovulation window.  After we miscarried, we went on Femara and bought OPKs and did that routine for 6 months.  That's when it started to occur to me that maybe there really is something wrong with me.  We went to see the RE and I don't think I still quite put myself in the infertile category.  W and I both tested out fine and we "just needed a little help in this area" and IUI's would be our answer.  After #3 didn't work, I think that's when I realized "maybe we are infertile."  Now that we've been through more IUI's and an IVF cycle, along with my Hysteroscopy and months of cysts, I know that this isn't normal.  I am really 1 in 8.

One of the cousins in my family posted on her blog and then plastered it all over FB and Instagram for everyone to see.  She was "1 in 8" and wanted to make sure everyone knew about it.  She didn't want sympathy, because this wasn't a bad thing;  Her and her husband had been seriously blessed during their "almost 2 years of trying".  What?  No.  That's not the message to spread.  While I'm not saying I haven't found good amongst all the heartache, I don't exactly call this a blessing.  I want people to understand that there are different levels of infertility.  There's the pre-infertiles, the Jr. Infertiles and the Sr. Infertiles.  Those who tried for a year unsuccessfully, those who got pregnant by taking a simple fertility drug and then those who have had to fork out money for tests, invasive procedures and then monitoring and IUIs and/or IVF.  Maybe it's wrong of me to classify it that way, but that's just how I see it.  I never wanted to be a Senior, but isn't it right that the Seniors are just waiting for graduation to happen so they can move on with the fun part of their lives?  We are working extra hard to pass our tests (HPT) and are scared we'll be stuck in summer school for the rest of our lives just trying to graduate into parenthood.  Anyway, I'm sure none of this makes sense.  But I wrote this in an email to my sweet SIL today and I really think this is what's truly in my heart about the different stages of IF.

"I used to be so different about it all.  I knew that I had a hard time getting pregnant, but was I really infertile?  No way.  I was going to take a simple fertility drug that would maybe help release a couple more eggs and I'd be pregnant and we'd laugh at the time wasted.  But then as those things didn't work and we ended up seeing a specialist, I thought "Okay we just need a little help, with IUIs, but I'm still not sure I fit in the infertile club.  But after those didn't work and we were on our way to IVF, I knew that there was no turning back.  IVF is the real key to being in the club.  And I guess I still kind of see it that way now.  That doesn't take away the 2 years that we tried on our own and the heartache I felt, but I know what true infertility heartache feels like and it's different.  What I mean is that (name), to me, isn't a true infertile, and likely won't ever be.  Very likely she won't ever know this kind of heartache, not that I want her too.  But she won't know the pain of seeing your conjoined twins** heartbeats and have the gut wrenching suggestion of abortion and then having them still miscarry.  She won't know the pain of seeing your baby as an embryo and then 4 weeks later seeing that little ones heartbeat, only to have it all gone within a few short hours.  I think a true infertile doesn't focus on the pain of contractions, but the pain of that hole in your heart.  I am pretty sure this is my real problem with her.  Right now, she wants sympathy and for people to feel bad for her.  I want people to know what I've been through, but I really just want support and love from those closest to me.  And you know what?  I've got it.  I couldn't be more blessed in the family and friends I have."

Maybe infertility awareness week needs to be made more for the infertility community.  For us to find the right support and help among our own.  We need to find the right support groups, to help us wade through life.  We don't need to make the world see, because there's already enough negativity in our lives, why are we asking for outsider's opinions on it all?   Of course in a perfect world, everyone would see what IF really is, and would grasp it all and fully understand the hardships it brings.  But, we don't live in a perfect world and there are far too many closed minded people to try and get it through their heads. 

**My dear cousin (in law) dealt with this heartache a few months ago.  I can't even imagine what her heart went through.  But she is one of my biggest supports through our infertility and has become one of my best friends.  Love her for her words of encouragement, knowledge and humor.  She just gets it.

Getting Closer

I was realizing yesterday that we are about 3 weeks away from getting started on the process of our FET.  Even though we still have a ways to go until the actual transfer, I'll be happy knowing we are actually moving forward.  I have another U/S on the 15th of May to ensure the cysts have cleared up and no new ones have formed and then we will be on our way.

After continuing with training for my marathon, feeling constant pain in my ankle and generally not finding any joy in the added miles, I decided a marathon was too lofty a goal this year.  I hadn't been running a ton when I made the decision and really thought I could push myself hard to get ready.  But your body has a way of really bringing your mind to reality and letting you know you can't force these things.  So I opted to switch my bib to the half marathon instead and I am so glad I did.  I am excited for it again and am pushing myself on speed instead of distance.  I ran my 2nd half of the spring last weekend and improved on my time by about 8 minutes from the first one in March.  I have another half next weekend and then my final race before the planned FET is on the 17th.  I'm hoping by the 17th, I'll have a new personal record and feel some sort of accomplishment there.

I started running about 2 1/2 years ago, as we were coming to the close of our first year of trying.  I was sad and frustrated and needed a way to make myself feel better.  We had a vacation coming up and so I decided that I should do a little jogging to get in shape and ultimately found that it was the best thing for me with our infertility.  It gave me an outlet to be mad and push my body a bit further, or gave me time by myself to really think about things without interruptions.  I've shed a lot of sad and angry tears on some of my runs and felt so good afterwards.   Running really seemed to help for a while and even though I haven't always been consistent with running, on bad days I knew what could help turn my mood around.  Since the IVF miscarriage, things have changed.  I still feel a sense of accomplishment and find joy in running, it hasn't helped me clear my mind and feel better about things.  There is no simple "move on to these next steps" if IVF doesn't work in the end.  I haven't lost hope that IVF (or FET) can work for us, but the constant delays have definitely left me in a bad limbo state of mind.

I can honestly say I'm in a better place right now, than I was back in December through February.  I'm feeling more optimism and hope about things.  But, my sadness and anger hasn't gone away completely.  I've felt a bit more sad lately about others getting what I so desperately want.  I went last night to pick out a baby outfit for my cousin's wife.  I won't be able to attend the baby shower because of other plans, but didn't want to ignore the invite completely.  So I was looking for the perfect cute baby boy outfit and thought I was doing good.  But after a few minutes it took everything I could to not tear up and feel sorry for myself.  Seeing the darling cargo pants and baby hoodies, the tiny bow ties attached to darling plaid shirts, really started to get to me.  I want my own baby to dress up, and right now the soonest I could have it, would be a year from now.  It just makes my heart ache.  I am sad for myself that others get it before me, and I'm buying them the tiny baby clothes that I want.   Please just let it be my turn next.  I don't want to buy anymore baby clothes until they are for my baby.

Keeping my hope alive and my fingers crossed that everything will go according to plan and come March 2015 baby H will be arriving.  Please let it work.