Getting Closer

I was realizing yesterday that we are about 3 weeks away from getting started on the process of our FET.  Even though we still have a ways to go until the actual transfer, I'll be happy knowing we are actually moving forward.  I have another U/S on the 15th of May to ensure the cysts have cleared up and no new ones have formed and then we will be on our way.

After continuing with training for my marathon, feeling constant pain in my ankle and generally not finding any joy in the added miles, I decided a marathon was too lofty a goal this year.  I hadn't been running a ton when I made the decision and really thought I could push myself hard to get ready.  But your body has a way of really bringing your mind to reality and letting you know you can't force these things.  So I opted to switch my bib to the half marathon instead and I am so glad I did.  I am excited for it again and am pushing myself on speed instead of distance.  I ran my 2nd half of the spring last weekend and improved on my time by about 8 minutes from the first one in March.  I have another half next weekend and then my final race before the planned FET is on the 17th.  I'm hoping by the 17th, I'll have a new personal record and feel some sort of accomplishment there.

I started running about 2 1/2 years ago, as we were coming to the close of our first year of trying.  I was sad and frustrated and needed a way to make myself feel better.  We had a vacation coming up and so I decided that I should do a little jogging to get in shape and ultimately found that it was the best thing for me with our infertility.  It gave me an outlet to be mad and push my body a bit further, or gave me time by myself to really think about things without interruptions.  I've shed a lot of sad and angry tears on some of my runs and felt so good afterwards.   Running really seemed to help for a while and even though I haven't always been consistent with running, on bad days I knew what could help turn my mood around.  Since the IVF miscarriage, things have changed.  I still feel a sense of accomplishment and find joy in running, it hasn't helped me clear my mind and feel better about things.  There is no simple "move on to these next steps" if IVF doesn't work in the end.  I haven't lost hope that IVF (or FET) can work for us, but the constant delays have definitely left me in a bad limbo state of mind.

I can honestly say I'm in a better place right now, than I was back in December through February.  I'm feeling more optimism and hope about things.  But, my sadness and anger hasn't gone away completely.  I've felt a bit more sad lately about others getting what I so desperately want.  I went last night to pick out a baby outfit for my cousin's wife.  I won't be able to attend the baby shower because of other plans, but didn't want to ignore the invite completely.  So I was looking for the perfect cute baby boy outfit and thought I was doing good.  But after a few minutes it took everything I could to not tear up and feel sorry for myself.  Seeing the darling cargo pants and baby hoodies, the tiny bow ties attached to darling plaid shirts, really started to get to me.  I want my own baby to dress up, and right now the soonest I could have it, would be a year from now.  It just makes my heart ache.  I am sad for myself that others get it before me, and I'm buying them the tiny baby clothes that I want.   Please just let it be my turn next.  I don't want to buy anymore baby clothes until they are for my baby.

Keeping my hope alive and my fingers crossed that everything will go according to plan and come March 2015 baby H will be arriving.  Please let it work.