The Reason

I've been on a quest lately to find really good songs.  Songs that make me happy, songs that give me my reason to cry the tears I've been holding in for days, songs that pump me up to finish that last mile on my run, songs that bring back wonderful memories.  I came across "The Reason" by Hoobastank.  I always liked the song, but never really listened to the lyrics.  Not all the lyrics apply to what I've been going through, but the chorus seems to get me teary.  Even right now, I'm struggling to hold it in, sitting at my desk at work, to write out my thoughts.  The chorus makes perfect sense in this fight to bring home a baby and create a future family and home life with W.

"I've found a reason for me

To change who I used to be

A reason to start over new

And the reason is you"

As we've been getting closer to our 4th anniversary of trying, at times I can't help but feel if it's worth the fight, stress and heartache to keep working towards a baby. It's hard to keep the negative thoughts away some days. Time seems to crawl by and some days you can't quite figure out why we are working so hard for something that seems so unattainable. But the reason is that baby. Even if I constantly have to adjust my schedule and plans for the future. Even if I have to work hard to keep my head above water and pretend like I'm doing okay to those around me. I can still picture that tiny baby in my arms at the end of this. I can still picture W sitting with our sweet baby, in that comfy lazy boy in the nursery, rocking it back to sleep in the middle of the night. That dream will one day be a reality and I will truly be able to say "And the reason is you".

Then I read a post from my cousin, who has become a dear friend to me in our struggle with IF.  She was talking about dealing with her miscarriage(s) and finally figuring out one day what good came from it.  And finding the reasons to be happy again.  It seemed so perfect for the thoughts that have been swirling around in my head since I downloaded this song last month.  I commented to her post and wanted to share the same thoughts here:

"It is SO hard to find anything good in our hardships, while we're going through them. But it is so great to find even just one good thing to come from them. I have a hard time believing that everything happens "the way it's supposed to", but I can believe that things happen for a reason, but it's up to us to find the reasons. My reason isn't the same as your reason and the reason may seem entirely silly or minor to others, but it's our reason and it's our peace that we get from finding that reason."

W and I have been trying to make big decisions together about our future.  Job changes and selling our house to buy a new one, are our biggest topics lately.  And I can't help but think that even though this week should've been the week we brought our tiny infant home, we may be able to make new plans right now.  These plans could change our entire future, and if I'd had this little baby right now, I'd be transitioning into being a stay at home mom.  We'd be down to one income and W might not even be considering a job change.  We might not even be close to feeling comfortable and ready to move to a new home.  In the end, we could figure out that our biggest reason for our plans being turned upside down, was that we needed a new plan.  We needed a chance to better our future without the stress of a new baby.