Thoughts on trying to get pregnant...

I’ve had an up and down last couple of months.  W and I’s relationship is going really well right now.  We are on the same page with things we want to do with our future.  We’ve been working hard to pay off debt, we remodeled our kitchen, which we paid cash for, and are still trying to get pregnant.  But that is where my downs have come from.  We’ve been trying for 10 months and still haven’t succeeded, which has been really hard on me.  W doesn’t seem to notice and that’s been another source of heartache for me.  I feel really alone when my period starts and I don’t have anyone to cry to.  W get’s annoyed when I am sad about it for “too long”, but it’s not something you can put a time frame on.  I’m grieving, in a sense, that I’m not pregnant.  I start to worry that having a baby naturally or even at all, might not be possible.  We’ve spent the last couple of months really  tracking my ovulation cycle and following recommendations to help our chances to conceive, but still have come up short.  I feel like my period is just an awful way to tell me I’m not pregnant.  It starts and then haunts me for a few days, with cramps and headaches, and my emotions are so up and down to go on top of it.  I wish that W would understand better and give me the loving attention that I really need during this hard time.  I wish that he would just let me cry to him, without trying to tell me that it’s not worth crying over.  I wish that he’d feel the same emotions that I do, so that he knew just how much sadness I feel each month.  I think he just doesn’t understand the pain that I’m going through and how much I long for a baby.  I’ve even started getting jealous of celebrities that are pregnant, or having babies.  I have to keep my emotions in check when we are grocery shopping or at the mall, and I see a pregnant woman or a small baby being pushed in a stroller.  I have a hard time not feeling angry towards people that can get pregnant, while I can’t.  I hate that my friend is pregnant after trying for one month and always seems to have something to say about her pregnancy.  What did we talk about before she got pregnant?  She always wants to know how our pregnancy trying is going, and it’s becoming too hard to answer her.  I don’t want to tell my pregnant friend, that I’m STILL not pregnant.  She started 7 months after me, and will have a baby in a few short months.  I long to have morning sickness and know that a baby is coming in a few months.   This same friend of mine said something that really got to me, and even though I told her it offended me, she never apologized for it, only told me that I took it wrong, so I have a hard time feeling happy for her.  Right after her and her husband started trying, I saw her and she told me that they’d started trying and that she felt like she was pregnant.  I was surprised and said you do?  She told me that she had just felt so strongly about having another baby for so long, that she just knew she was, and that it was God’s way of saying “Finally, here’s your baby.”  So to me that meant that even though I’ve felt strongly about having a baby, I must not really be meant to have a baby.   What about all those families that take forever to have kids, or simply can't have them?  I feel like WE make our own decisions, God doesn’t make them for us.  So I am not sure how I was supposed to take it when she said it.  I wish she would’ve explained herself a little more, when I told her it had hurt my feelings.  But I’m sure I’ll just forget about it eventually.  I can’t help but have a bad taste in my mouth, but I do need to move on from it.   W is going to be  travelling over the next couple of months, so we won’t be able to try during that time.  The only good thing about it, is that I won’t worry those 2 months, I’ll just plan on having a period.  A break from it all, might be just what I need.  But we will probably go see a doctor in Jan, and hopefully we’ll know if there’s something wrong with one of us, or if we just need to take fertility pills.  It will be nice to know what could be wrong, so we can get it fixed.  I can’t wait to have a baby and to see W as a dad.  I know he’ll be a great dad!  I love seeing him with the dogs, and him being worried about them, it just proves that he will be even better with our kids.