Lucky 13

W and I still had no luck in December, and still weren’t pregnant.  I went to a Christmas party with a bunch of girlfriends from high school on Dec. 3, and found out that my other best friend is pregnant.  I had been confiding in this friend for quite some time about my feelings about infertility, and  she had been able to relate to some of the same feelings I was having.  So she told us at the party that she was pregnant, while I was happy for this friend, I was fighting tears the whole time, and couldn’t help but feel sad and even jealous over it.  And to top it all off, my period made it’s appearance the next day.  W had been extremely busy at work and travelling, so I was feeling pretty alone.  It was a hard weekend, but as the 12^th month of trying came to a close, I felt that it was time to set up a doctor’s appointment to figure out what was wrong with us.

Christmas came and went, and the day of our appointment arrived, on the 29^th.  We didn’t tell anyone besides my sisters that we had the Dr. appt, for fear of having to tell people the worst.  The appointment ended up only being a regular exam/checkup, with instructions to return on certain days of my next cycle to being different tests and labs.  I left the Dr’s feeling a little bit disappointed that there wasn’t more info they could give us right off the bat.  I spent a few days in the following week feeling very mad and sad about everything.  I couldn’t help but feel like it just wasn’t fair.  Why did we have to struggle with infertility, when so many people get pregnant so easily?  Why do we have to spend all sorts of money determining the cause, not to mention all the invasive and uncomfortable procedures that I’d have to go through.  But as the days went by and my anger subdued, I realized just how lucky I am.  W and I have gone through the hardest time in both our married and personal lives.  We’ve grown closer than I ever thought possible.  Our relationship is better than it ever could be.  And as I’ve already realized this in previous months, I realized it once again, when I noticed that W was letting me just be angry and short without ever snapping back.  It made me realize that we really have moved past a big hurdle in our marriage.  We have better communication and appreciation for each other is renewed each day.  We have been able to pay down/off debt and feel really comfortable with our financial future.  We have dreams of buying a different house in the next few years and dreams of raising our children close in age.  We always said that we wanted to go to Hawaii before we had kids, and we are getting to go this month, and are thrilled about it.  We can’t wait to spend some much needed time together, with W being so busy at work, it’s a welcome break together.

But my period was late this month.  I told myself that it was just because I had stressed myself out before and after the doctor appointment and that I’d just be getting my period a few days late.  This made me a bit anxious, as I didn’t want to miss my chance to get my labs/tests done this month, and have to wait another month, since we will be on vacation this month.  When I was 2 days late…I took a test in the evening, and told myself it would be negative.   It was, but there’s always a bit of hope when taking those tests, so of course I was a little bit disappointed.  As the days passed and I continued to be late, and I talked to a friend, who’s also been going through infertility for longer than we have, she convinced me that it was time to take a test.  W was out of town and I didn’t want to do it without him here.  But I told myself that it would be negative and that maybe I wasn’t ovulating regularly and so my doctor could put me on Clomid and our problems would be fixed.  So I bought a test after work on Thursday the 12^th, and couldn’t sleep all night, with nervousness.  As I woke up the next morning, I told myself that I shouldn’t be sad if it’s negative, since this could be a good thing, knowing that Clomid fixes so many women’s problems.  I took the test and did a few things before coming back in the bathroom to check the test before chucking it in the garbage.  I was stunned to see 2 lines on the test, reading positive.  I couldn’t believe what I was seeing, and ran to grab my cell phone to call W.  He was still asleep, and I was trying to stay calm so I wouldn’t freak him out.  I asked him if he was awake and he said yes, and I just blurted out “The test is positive!”  He said “What” and so I repeated myself.  He started laughing and got a little emotional and couldn’t believe it either.  We were able to talk about it for a little while before I needed to get ready for work.  I sent him a picture of the test and went about my regular day.   W sent me a text mid-morning that said, “I am trying not to cry.  I love you.” 

After lunch I called to set up an appt with the Dr. for Feb 9th, when I will be 10 weeks along, and was so happy to have the receptionist be just as excited about it all as I was.  She told me that our tentative due date is Sept. 8^th.  When I told her I tested positive that morning, she said Friday the 13^th is a lucky day for us.  When she asked how long we’d been trying and I told her it’d been our 13^th month trying, she pointed out that 13 really was our lucky number!  And it really is!  While I had a hard year trying to get the most important thing to happen, I have to know that things happen for a reason.  And I can see those reasons, laid out in front of me.   I am so blessed to have such a great family surrounding me.  I have the best sisters a girl could ask for, who have been there for me through all my sad times.  They feel my sorrow almost as heavy as I do, and were always there for me.  I have the most wonderful husband, who cares about me and loves me through my good days and bad.   And now I have a baby on the way, and I feel like I could burst at the seams with happiness.   Life is good.