Our lives have changed a lot in the last month and a half. We found out on Jan 13th that I was pregnant and couldn’t be happier with the news. A week later we left to go on vacation to Hawaii. Life was good and we were on top of the world. After a full day of walking around the first day in Hawaii, I started spotting. We tried to take it easy on Sunday and Monday, but the spotting got worse and the cramping worsened as well. I started having a sharp pain on my right side on Monday night, preventing me from getting comfortable all night. So Tuesday morning, Jan 24th, I called my doctor at home and she told me I had to go to the ER, because she was worried that the sharp pain on one side was a sign of an ectopic pregnancy. So W and I went to the ER, and tried to stay calm and think positively. We were hopeful that they would just tell us that everything looked just fine, and to maybe take it even easier the rest of our trip.
We went through all the testing, and then a Dr. came in to do an ultrasound. He tried the normal ultrasound and then tried an internal ultrasound, making us worried as the seconds passed without the sound of a beating heart. He put the equipment down and whispered something to the nurse, who quickly gave me some paper towels, and left the room. He rested on the edge of the bed and put his hand on my knee, in a very fatherly fashion. He then explained to me that he wasn’t finding a heartbeat, and couldn’t see anything resembling a baby forming. He told me that I had a Blighted Ovum, which means that I did get pregnant, but no baby ever started to develop. My body was going through all the normal pregnancy symptoms and was creating a home for our baby. But because no baby had ever developed, my body was starting to reject it . He said he wanted us to wait to see the test results to make sure he wasn’t wrong. After waiting over an hour for the results, he said that my HCG levels were very high and that he didn’t want to give us false hope, but that he has seen miracles happen when diagnosing women with Blighted Ovum’s, that sometimes, you’re not as far along as you think you are, and sometimes women go on to have normal, healthy pregnancies. We left the hospital after 4 ½ hours and a different attitude. Although the Dr. said he was hopeful that the HCG levels being so high was a good sign, I was having heavier bleeding and cramping, and just knew this pregnancy wouldn’t be around much longer.
We got ready and went to a Luau that evening. We had to take a bus to our destination and tried to enjoy ourselves once we got to beautiful Paradise Cove. But right before dinner, I went to the bathroom and that’s when I miscarried. A small pink sac had come out and I just knew that it was over. I tried to stay calm, but couldn’t keep the tears from falling, as I told W what happened. He was so good to me and asked if I just wanted to go back to the hotel? I nodded and he guided me to find someone to help find us a cab ride home. We had to pay $100 for that cab ride, but I wouldn’t have changed it. We were able to grieve together on our balcony that night. W and I cried as we talked and hugged. It’s something I’ll never forget. It just gave us a stronger bond and love for each other. We actually felt like it was a blessing in disguise that all of this happened while we were on vacation. We got to be together during it all, and got to have the time to just feel what we needed to feel, but it was also a good distraction,, so we (mostly I) didn’t fall into immediate depression. Our relationship changed with this too. When we went to Hawaii, I already had been feeling so good about things with W. We are on the same page and are so happy about our future, but this made that bond even stronger. It’s a pretty incredible feeling knowing that you have your spouse as your rock, and support and listening ear during your hardest times. I don’t know that I could’ve gotten through this with anyone else. I feel so lucky to have W by my side.
The rest of our trip was changed, as I was not allowed to swim, and was so uncomfortable that I didn’t want to hike or be on my feet too long. This Friday marks a month since the miscarriage, but feels like longer. I’ve been up and down and really having a hard time feeling back to my old self. But in a way, I know I will never go back to my “old self”. I’ve gone through something that has changed me. W and I have been doing really good at keeping positive, from the second it happened, that things happen for a reason, and we are thrilled at this sign that we can get pregnant on our own. But I have had a constant reminder of losing this pregnancy, that it’s been hard to stay positive. I’ve had to deal with the questions of why we didn’t do so many things while on vacation, and not been able to share the real reason we didn’t do so many cool things in the most beautiful place. My best friend had her baby last week. I have 2 cousins who just found out in the last 2 weeks that they’ll be having baby girls in July, and my other best friend will find out the sex of her baby this week. W has been gone for work for the last 2 weeks, so I’ve been feeling incredibly alone, trying to deal with hearing these things. I am incredibly happy for all these friends and family that are experiencing the joys of pregnancy and parenthood, but it’s a constant reminder of what I’ve lost.
My doctor told me that we can start trying again in 3 months, so we only have 2 months till we can start trying again, but it feels like a lifetime. She told us that she wouldn’t suggest that we use any sort of birth control or protection, since we did struggle for a year to get pregnant. She said the 3 months is just a good starting time to start trying again, but nothing will happen if we get pregnant before then. I can’t help but hope that we’ll be one of those few that find ourselves pregnant before that 3 months has gone by. I feel sad, angry, lost and empty with the loss of this pregnancy. It’s hard to feel so unsure about the future. I feel like my life is standing still, while everyone around me is still bustling around and planning their futures. They are having kids and moving on, while I feel like my chance to move on is unknown. I can try to plan for things in the next year, but they’ll never feel good enough for what could’ve been my plans for the next year with a baby on the way. I know I need to be positive, but I’m not to that point yet. I just want to feel like me again. I guess I’ll just keep taking it one day at a time.
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