Lost

This month has been hard on me.  As we draw closer to our 2 year mark of trying to get pregnant, I find myself stalled in the process and unable to move forward.  W travels a lot in the fall and early winter months, and we can’t plans his work around my cycles.  We decided to take September off from trying, to give ourselves a break, but also because we weren’t sure what the doctor would want our next step to be.  I can’t change anything about our decision in September, so there’s no use dwelling on a missed opportunity to try.  But it also makes me think, what would’ve been different this month, anyway?  As luck would have it, W has to go out of town next week and won’t be around to try at the right time.  So our treatment sits waiting for next month, in hopes that he will be around at the right time.

I’ve been losing a lot of hope, lately.  I had high hopes to be pregnant by the end of summer only to feel more lost and empty.  My due date from my miscarriage in January was on Saturday, and that’s been a hard pill to swallow.  I felt down all weekend, knowing that if things had been different, we’d have a baby, or be preparing for it’s arrival any day now.  It’s such a strange thing to think about, and  I don’t even quite know how to cope with the loss I still feel, even 8 months later.  As I sat in the bathtub on Sunday night, crying, the thought crossed my mind, “how much more can I really handle?”  I’m really not sure what the answer to that is.  Of course, I’ll never give up hope, but it’s hard to think of going through this heartache for many more months.  I’m not sure that I’m mentally able to take too much more of the waiting and hoping just to be disappointed.  I find myself becoming more depressed as time goes on.  I’m less social and don’t really want to talk to many people.  I am not my usual, happy self around new people.  I feel sad and mad, and don’t have the energy to hide it anymore.   I also have found that I’ve become more private about things.  Some has to do with just simply not wanting to share my deepest thoughts with many, and another part of it feels like a broken record.  No one wants to hear how sad I am, month after month.  So I’ve just started keeping to myself a bit more than I used to, and maybe that’s the wrong way to go about it. 

I hope that once things go our way and we end up pregnant and having a baby, that I can become more of myself again.  I miss the way I was trying to be, more happy, upbeat and positive.  I want to be that way and want to find things to keep me busy and happy.  I need to find a way to fix myself, and not focus so much on when I get what I want, and not let it change who I am.