This morning I feel angry, sad, alone, hurt, empty, lost, lifeless. I'm supposed to have dinner with some girlfriends tonight, but I don't want to. I don't feel like anything can bring me out of this slump, which is all the more reason I know I need to just go. It will do me some good. But it won't be lasting. The moment we leave and I head back home, alone, to my quiet and lonely house. I'm lucky to have the pups, that even when I feel all these things, still manage to make me laugh and smile. Just before I left for work, I got a text message from W. I told him I was still feeling sad this morning. He replied that we both got paid and doesn't that make me happy? But it doesn't.
W has been out of town for the last 5 weeks. Today marks a full 5 weeks since he left for work 16 hours away, in Idaho. I've done my best to keep busy. Repainted the living room, spent evenings and weekends finding the perfect home decor to brighten up the space. But I feel guilty for spending money, since we've been doing so good, so filling my time with shopping, otherwise, is not an option. I've got a few Christmas gifts crossed off the list, but haven't found the joy in shopping for others. My Christmas decorations are still sitting in the bins I pulled out a week ago. I have zero desire to put it all up. There's not the same excitement and joy in this time of year. W is always busy in the fall through the beginning of Winter, so why should it be any different this year? It just is.
We used our last final month of "trying on our own" to time everything perfectly, without going overboard and stressing ourselves out. I used the Femara. I timed my ovulation and then used the Progesterone cream every night for 2 weeks. W went out of town, and I got to feel the disappointment of failure all alone on a Thursday night. The only thing that held me together was being so busy painting, and making the decision to not waste another day before setting up an appointment with the fertility specialist. W has to be there at the first appointment, so when I set it up for 3 weeks out, I didn't think I'd ever have to reschedule it. But that news came around last night, that he wouldn't be able to come home in time for it. I feel ripped off and angry. I feel disappointed and hurt. The only person I can direct my anger to is W. And then I feel bad, because it's not his fault. He's good at making me come second to work, which is entirely unfair. But at the same time, what is he supposed to do? Could he realize that it's important to me that he just stop working for 5 mins to talk to me, without interruptions? Yes. Could he realize that ONE day isn't going to make a huge difference on his work project, but means the world to me? Yes. Could he stop being a pushover and start talking to his bosses and people he works with, rather than just complaining to me day after day? Yes. But, until I'm in his shoes, I can't say I'd do anything differently. Besides, he's a guy, raised by a woman who was more self absorbed and concerned with herself, than teaching her boys the simple things in life. (That's a whole other post in itself.) He doesn't realize that each time he is on the phone with me and I realize he hasn't heard a word I've said, because he's still working, he's hurting me. While I know he's busy, and I know it's hard on him, I just want him to not just expect me to suffer from it too.
I decided last week that we'd go to this appointment. We'll be able to get some tests done and figure out what our next steps need to be to get and stay pregnant. And then I want to wait until after our trip to Hawaii, in January, to take further action. Even though it's a bummer to not have had November to try, it was a nice break from the ovulation tests, and timing everything, along with using the Progesterone cream. I don't feel the same stresses of waiting the 2 weeks for my period to start. I wanted to feel stress-free and not have anxiety around the holidays and our vacation. Both should be a relaxing and enjoyable time. But with the new appointment not being for another 2 weeks, I feel like the stress doesn't fully go away, until I can get the ball rolling. I still don't have answers, and I still have to wait around and keep wondering and guessing what the issues could be. The knot in my stomach has returned and I feel a bit more anxiety. I kept thinking that as soon as the appt was out of the way next week, I could decorate for Christmas, and really let myself enjoy this time of year. But there's no desire now. I know I should just snap out of it and try to remember all the good things in my life. But I keep coming back to how empty my life is right now. I keep feeling like I have no real reason to get excited over anything, because it's not what I want right now. I want W home and I want a family. I know I'll be over my pity party soon enough. I intend to get some yard work and house cleaning done this weekend, and maybe once I'm already doing these things, it will make me want to put up Christmas stuff and cheer up.
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