I've felt heavy in my heart today. I learned last night that W is coming home, after being gone for 7 weeks, and am really happy and excited for it! But a part of me is feeling a bit nervous about our Dr. appt next week. I'm feeling scared and sad about the coming months and can't get rid of the "what if's" that linger in the back of my mind. I've been reading this blog for a few weeks now, and have gone all the way back to the beginning, so I could read her whole story. I am so grateful that I've found this blog. This girl speaks so many things that I've thought of before, and really helps me figure out what all my feelings/emotions are, when I can't quite make sense of them. The post I was reading today is from Dec 15, 2010. We were one month into trying, and I thought we'd be pregnant by Christmas and sharing the happy news soon thereafter. But, that was not the case, obviously. I was realizing that her post was written almost exactly 2 years ago, and how different I feel about the whole TTC. It's definitely been a road I never thought I'd travel. It's also one that has made me a more bitter and negative person. I question the way things work out, all the time. I can't understand why it happens so easily for some and is so heart wrenching for others. Egghunt puts it perfectly in this blog post and lets me see that my feelings aren't that far from the "normal" infertile person. I'm not alone in the stages of grieving that I go through each month. I'm not alone in the heartache/anger/confusion/sick-to-my-stomach feelings I get when I hear another pregnancy announcement. It's so nice to have my feelings validated in a way, by only reading someone else's blog.
Christmas hasn't felt very merry this year. I told myself we were going to take a break (as if I actually had any say, with W being out of town) and that I'd "enjoy" the holidays and not feel any pressure. But it just doesn't work that way. You don't get to just say you're taking a break, and then stop thinking about it. Egghunt talks about being a Grinch, and how she said she'd never be one of those people. It's one of those things that you think you can control, you can forget about the months into years of heartache and just enjoy this festive time of year. It isn't as easy as it looks.
Anyway, I wanted to have this post saved, and share it with others. I want to remember that through all of this, I am not alone.
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