The last couple of days I've been really thinking. Digging deep, finding myself lost in my thoughts as to what I'm really feeling. We did IUI #2 in March and it didn't work. So I got ahold of my doctor to ask what more we could do on our next IUI to help our chances. He went over the options, that would really only raise our chances 1-2%, but would double the cost of the IUI. He told me that he doesn't want us to do more than 3 IUI's, so I made the decision to just try this IUI the same as #2 and just hope that it works.
Dr. P said that if #3 doesn't work this month, he'd like me to make an appt to see him to go over our next step which will be IVF. IVF is such a dreaded thing to me. I truly never thought I'd hear that as an option for us. You spend so much time being focused on all these little things that could be wrong; timing or maybe missing ovulation here and there. You follow instructions from doctors, and believe that this month it's going to work. I've done 6 cycles with Femara, 3 with Progesterone. I've spent the last year timing out my ovulation with predicter kits. I've taken prenatal vitamins (That my OB/GYN prescribed) for over a year and all these things were money out of our pocket and down the drain. I can't honestly say it was all worth it. Now I am adding 2 failed IUI's and the ultrasound and fertlity drugs we used to the list as wasted time and money. I guess I don't like to say wasted, because you have to be willing to do what it takes to know if it will work. But it's really hard to see it as money well spent, when there's nothing to show for it.
With IVF, my thoughts keep coming back to how much time and money we could end up spending on one cycle. And what if that cycle doesn't work? How long will it take us to save up for the next one? How much of my vacation time will be used for treatments, instead of a real vacation? And will we ever get a real vacation again? We have been blessed to do things that others will never do, but I've felt like we've earned it for having such a hard time getting pregnant. Now, I feel like we could have to give up on so much, use savings that we wanted to pay our house down with. Use savings that we wanted to use as a down payment. Use savings that could go towards that next getaway to give us a break from the challenges that infertitlity brings. I'm sure it seems selfish, since I really would do anything to have a baby, but how unfair it still seems that we are even having to think of the future differently. We've worked hard to save up, hoping that within the first couple years of our kid's life, we'd be able to sell our house and move into somewhere we wanted to be forever. This could potentially change everything we've ever hoped for. This could mean we have to stay living in a neighborhood I can't imagine raising kids in. This could mean I might not get to stay at home with my kids, because our savings is now gone. Infertility not only changes us personally, but it changes everything in our lives.
My other thought has been, what if IVF doesn't work? How many cycles do you really do, and can I ever truly find happiness in giving up that dream of having my own biological kids? I thought I would adopt with no problems, if I couldn't have kids, but now that I do have the idea in the back of my mind as a possibility, it just doesn't seem right. No one can truly know how they feel about it, until they've gone through it. It's not as easy as you think, before getting into it all. Maybe my mind will be more open to it, should we get to that point of knowing we can't have kids.
Sometimes I feel like I'm living in a dream. How can this be our life? How can we have our path changed so many times, when we have no control? How do we continue to hold onto hope, after 2 and a half years of disappointments? How do we let go of the anger and sadness and push forward? It's all so surreal and I don't really like the person I have become throughout all this. When do I get to try and go back to the way I was before?
I might be jumping the gun, when we really do have one more shot with an IUI. Maybe 3rd time will be the charm for us? I just needed to get some things off my chest, so maybe they'll stop running through my mind all day long. I do feel calm and at peace with this next IUI, so I think I can honestly say I do feel hopeful, but there's also a side of being realistic that won't let me fully believe it's going to work. We'll know our answer by the end of the month, though.
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