Never ending game

Infertility throws some pretty big curve balls.  In fact, I think that’s all it ever does.  Nothing is ever predicted or easy.  We don’t get to walk the bases and make it home….We are constantly swinging, striking out and trying to get our home run.   The game is never ending, with so many innings, I’ve lost count.  Times like right now, I feel like just being a spectator up in the stands eating popcorn and peanuts without a worry or care.  Send someone else in for me, I’m tired and don’t feel like I can play much longer.

The past 2 months have been up and down.  I found hope and positivity pretty quickly after the miscarriage.  Of course I was still sad, but I hadn’t given up.  W and I set up an appt to see Dr. P on Dec. 3^rd and went in ready to make a plan.  Dr. P said he wanted me to have a Hysteroscopy to make sure there wasn’t any blockage in my uterus.  Flash back to last Dec./Jan. when Dr. P thought I might have a blockage and sent me in for an MRI.  The MRI came back negative and I was told I just had a heart shaped uterus.  So we moved forward with our IUI’s and IVF without giving it another thought.  But Dr. P said he thought it was important to do the procedure now to help my chances of not miscarrying again with the FET.  We did that on Dec. 4^th and Dr. P did remove a small 4 mm scar tissue and was very pleased in the end.  We got our plan set and were ready to move forward with each step when I was to start my period around Christmas.  But my period never came.  I knew my chances of being pregnant were slim to none with the timing of everything we had going on making it nearly impossible.  But I still tested a couple of times to make sure a miracle hadn’t occurred.

Almost 2 weeks passed and I asked the nurse about how this would change our plans.  She told me I needed to start by Jan 3^rd in order to keep our current plan in place.  When it never showed up that day, I called to find out what to do.  I set up an appt with Dr. P to see if I could get an answer.  They did an ultrasound on the 6^th and found a cyst on my right ovary.  No answer on why my period hasn’t started, but was told to start my birth control pills and come back to see them in 3 weeks, when my period starts.  They need to see if the cyst will dissolve itself, or if they’ll need to remove it.  So no plan is in place right now.  Dr. P said to go enjoy our vacation and not worry about all this stuff right now.  I’m going to do my best to take the break that I’m sure my mind really needs.

I’ve been really down these last couple weeks.  I have tried to perk up and not stress about things, but I’m failing miserably.  I can’t stop thinking about the milestones we would’ve gotten to by now.  I’d have a small baby bump, we’d know the sex of the baby and be picking out a name and planning my baby shower.  I’d be counting down the time to meet our little one and looking forward to finally becoming a mom.  But instead I’m stuck in limbo.  I’m starting to feel like I need to keep more to myself.  If I thought I sounded like a broken record before, I didn’t realize just how worn down that record would become.  No one has any sort of answer, and no one knows what to say.  Even the nurse I talked to about feeling depressed told me to “think positively” and I’d start feeling better.  I know that all our family and friends that know are still rooting for us; but I feel so alone right now.  Lives continue on and things keep happening for most people around us, but we stay in this endless battle.  I feel defeated and lost.  And the bills just keep coming.  Just when we feel like we could finally be caught up on it all, something else shows up in our mailbox.  I never thought I’d feel like the money spent on everything was wasted, but I do.  Nothing we did has worked so far, so all that money spent was for naught.  And we just get to do it all over again.  We’ve started a new year and insurance starts over.  It happens and I can’t change that, but I’d feel better knowing that all the money I was spending this year was working towards a take home baby.  Or that all the money we spent in 2013 proved to be worth it, with me being able to feel him/her move around in my stomach.

I guess I just need more time to heal my broken heart.  I need to find a way to pick up and carry on.  I need to find happiness outside of infertility and make plans beyond planning for a family.  My new years resolution is the same it was for the past 3 years, to finally have a baby…Maybe 2014 will be better than I think it will be right now.