Bitter

They say life isn't fair; I now fully believe that saying.  After the MC, I bucked right back up after a week or so of being sad.  I told myself I didn't want to become bitter and angry with the way this process has gone for us.  I wanted to keep hope and positivity throughout all of this.  But as time has gone on, and the disappointments of been mounting   , I can't seem to get rid of this resentment I have for my current situation.  This waiting game is really hard for me.  I am a planner and I've done my best dealing with the surprises and heartache as they come; but this has been too much for me.  I haven't been able to plan anything farther than a month out, because I just don't know what the next month will bring.

I went to the doctor yesterday and even though I went expecting bad news, I was fighting back tears when the doctor said the cysts are still there.  Today's appt. wasn't great beyond the bad news either.  I didn't care much for the nurse or doctor.  I've seen Dr. M before; He's done 3 U/S's on me before yesterday (including the morning of my MC) and still didn't have any sort of recognition when he introduced himself to me and W.  W also remembered him and he doesn't go to the clinic nearly as much as I do.  And neither of them took the time to figure out why I was there; I had to correct both of them.  The nurse spent a full minute going over the purpose of my visit and what to expect, as if it was my first time there.  I corrected her and told her why I was there.  The Dr. M comes in and introduces himself to us and I'm thinking "Hi, you've looked at my vag before, but pleased to meet you."  He starts explained what he's going to be doing with the U/S wand (Whoa, that's what that is?  I didn't know!)  and asking me what hormones I'm currently taking and when we are expecting to do the FET.  So then I have to tell him we are just checking to see if my cysts have dissolved, so we can make a plan.  This same doc has brought up my "endometriosis" before and brought it up again today.  I just told him I don't have endo and we're just dealing with cysts.  So then I"m annoyed that I can't seem to get any answers as no one cares to try and look at my chart and help.  So I get to pay for yet another U/S for basically nothing.  Anyway, I got a call from my nurse a little bit later, after she talked to Dr. P.  They are having me take Norethindrone for a month and hope this will help get those cysts to dissolve.  I am supposed to make another U/S appt in a month and go from there.  It won't necessarily fix it in just a month, but I am going to stay hopeful that it will.

I am definitely feeling defeated with life, lately.  I honestly don't know how to snap out of my moods.  I could cry everyday and am close to winning the most cranky woman of the year award.  The only people I can currently stand is W, my sisters and a few of my friends.  And I know it's all me...There can't be a wave of stupidity washing over every other person around me.  I just have zero patience to deal with anything lately.  I am ornery at people's dumb stories and think "at least you don't have to deal with this" to myself constantly.  So really?  I have turned into that bitter woman I really didn't want to be.  I'm not sure what the answer is to get over it.  Each day I think, I'll just have a good cry and stuff my face with whatever sounds yummy and tomorrow I'll feel better.  But I don't.

I haven't been running much lately, either.  My motivation just isn't there.  The days I do get out and run, I love it!  But that great feeling I have afterwards, doesn't last long.  I'm jealous of anyone I see outside running, so shouldn't that push me to do it?  No, if it doesn't happen exactly the way I want it to, when I want it to, I just give up on it that day.  I would rather veg on the couch with W all night than spend 20 minutes on the treadmill.  So I've decided I need to sign up for a half marathon and that should help motivate me to start doing better.  The weather is warming up and there's nothing better than running on these first days of spring.  You see flowers starting to bloom and the weather is perfect for it.

Also in the meantime, I've decided to try and get more involved in the IF blogging community.  I need to put myself out there and stop hiding my story.  I've been too nervous to make my blog public, for fear someone I know will find it.  I'm learning as I go through this journey how little people actually know about this medical condition; and how ignorant they can be.  People seem to think that we are less than human because of this and that we don't deserve to get any extra help.  The local news stations has started putting out a ton of articles about infertility.  For a while it made me so happy to see them; until I started reading the comments people were leaving.  So many think we are selfish for "wasting money" on treatments when we could "just adopt" or "be foster parents".  How unfair that on top of the heartbreak and failure I feel with myself, I get to hear it from other people how selfish I am for wanting to "give birth to my own child, when there are so many children who need a good home."  As if that's my answer from God, that if it doesn't work naturally, then I'm not supposed to have my own children.  That my desire to be pregnant and give birth to my own baby isn't right.  That if I really wanted to be a parent, I would just adopt and not feel the need to give birth.  (These are actual comments from someone in reply to my comment, agreeing that insurance should have even a little bit of coverage for IF as an Opt In, like Vision or Dental.)  I shouldn't let some loser's comments affect me, but it cut pretty deep.  I don't expect anyone to help me pay for my treatments, but I feel like I deserve a little bit of sympathy and support for going through this.  This isn't just some small trivial thing, like losing a house you really like that you big on or not getting a job you interviewed for.  This is my life.  I have a problem conceiving a child; W and I both test fine, so I get to do it blindly, without knowing what the hell is wrong with us.  And a little bit more of my heart breaks each month that passes me by.  We've been at this for 40 months now.  Over 3 years of my life hoping, praying, sacrificing and nothing but bills and receipts to show for it.  So maybe instead of trying to find support through lame news stories; I need to really get involved with those who are going through the same things.  I may not know them in real life, but we can relate and talk and it might help my heart heal.