Monday, November 3, 2014

One Year Later

So much can change in one year's time.  This has certainly proved to be true for us in the last year.  One year ago, we were grieving the loss of our first real pregnancy.  We'd done our first round of IVF and it was successful!  But at 9 weeks, everything came crashing down around us and our world wouldn't ever be quite the same.  I still get quite emotional when I think about that day and the days that followed.  W and I spent a few days just at home, doing our own grieving.  We ventured out that weekend, spent time with family and cried with them.  I feel terrible, because I don't think I acknowledged my own dad's birthday last year.  I was in such a haze and couldn't quite think straight.  A little piece of my heart will forever be missing with the loss of our little one.  Hopes and dreams we'd already had, were no longer.  We spent several months trying to make sense of what had happened and tried to move on and pick up the pieces, but life doesn't always work out the way you want them to.  I spent several months seeing my RE, trying to prepare to move forward with a frozen embryo transfer, and got bad news each time, that my body just wasn't quite ready to move on.

When March rolled around, I decided to take matters into my own hands.  I wasn't going to sit around and mope and wish for my cysts to be gone.  I needed a break, so I talked to Dr. P and made a plan.  I still went and saw him each month, to be sure that things were continuing on the way they should, but I didn't focus all my energy into being able to move forward.  Instead I put all my extra energy into running.  And run I did.  I ran 3 half marathons in 5 weeks, and improved each race.  I had the ambition to run a full marathon, but as time drew closer, I realized I just simply didn't allow myself enough time to train.  So instead, I focused on improving my speed and with my final half, I was able to come in at 1:57, which was so awesome to me.  I ran it by myself, and had to really push myself to not slow down, not stop and walk, not tell myself I couldn't do it.

As soon as the races were done, W and I made plans for another big change in our lives.  We weren't going to sit around and hope that our FET worked and wish we'd done something if things fell through again.  So we made another dream of ours happen and found a development to build our new home and things couldn't have come together more perfectly.  We got things rolling with the house, went to our meetings and figured out what to do with our existing home.  During it all, we prepared to move forward with our FET and made the big decision whether to transfer 1 or 2 embryos.  I kept running as much as I could, to fit in as much as I could before the transfer, as I wasn't allowed to keep running past that point.

Come July, real changes were happening.  We were getting closer to sealing the deal on our new home, and we did our transfer, and went with 2 knowing full well that twins could be a real possibility for us.  We had our final meetings and signed a check to get the house going.  And then we waited....

Fast forward to today and we are getting over some big humps and nearing closer to our new reality.  Our house should be complete in 3 weeks, and we should be celebrating the holidays in our new home.

We are also in a much different place in regards to our pregnancy.  One year after that heartbreaking loss, we hit the 20 week mark of this pregnancy with twins.  What a milestone this has been!  I am overcome with emotion when I sit back and see everything we have to be thankful for.  I didn't want to be that annoying lady, who posted each week the different things in a pregnancy, but I finally feel like this is here to stay and I don't want to forget anything about it.  So I think that every couple of weeks, I will do a journal entry of sorts, to remember certain milestones of this pregnancy.

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