Sorrow....

Last night I had a dream that W and I had triplets.  I know it was just a silly dream, but I woke up and couldn't fall back asleep because it was so real, and yet, I was so sad that it wasn't real.  I can't stop thinking about it and it's really getting me down.  I just feel sad everyday (seriously, not a day, and sometimes even hours, go by that I don't think about it.) that this hasn't happened for us.  It's almost starting to feel SO far away, that I start thinking about the future without a baby in it, because it's been this long (one whole year, insane), what's another year?  It's not like I'm saying I don't plan  on having them...I just have started thinking about things W and I will do, or even things like a family trip gets thought about without thought of having a baby or being pregnant...Or maybe having a baby is almost just an afterthought, that may postpone our trip or plans.  The baby stuff is ALWAYS on my mind...but the thoughts are starting to change.  I still hurt all the time, and when I see a pregnant lady or hear about a new pregnancy or birth, I hold back tears of anger and jealousy.  I HATE hearing women complain about being sick or being uncomfortable.  While I think I probably will complain about the same things all these women do, right now all I can think is "At least you can get pregnant and know you're going to have a baby in this many months."  I just never thought it would be this hard.  

I was thinking yesterday; I think part of the reason that I'm actually loving working out right now, is because it's a release for me.  I get to run and push myself harder and it helps me feel better afterwards.  If I can't have a baby, I may as well look good.  Hawaii is also a big part of my motivation though...W and I have been wanting to go to Hawaii for years, and said from the beginning it would be so nice to be able to go before we had kids.  But when we started trying a year ago to get pregnant, the idea got put on the back burner, as we decided that paying off debt and becoming more financially stable was a better idea.  Well a year has changed things a lot, as far as our financial stability, we are almost debt free, we got to redo our kitchen, along with all the other things we had come up...Our smallest pup had to have knee surgery, our cars needed fixing, birthday's came and gifts were given, and month after month we worked hard to save where we could and were able to watch our debt become smaller.  We still have a little ways to go, but are no longer stressed about it.  So we decided a couple of months ago it was time to plan that trip to Hawaii.  A part of me is thrilled that we actually can say we got to cross one big thing off our list before having kids, but the other part kind of knows that we are going on this trip to forget that we haven't been able to have kids.  We both need a break and some "us" time to get away from the stress of daily life and hopefully the daily thoughts of struggling with infertility.

I know I should stay positive, but it is hard.  I keep thinking I need to find a good doctor and schedule an appointment for us to get checked out, but I am so scared, so I keep putting it off.  I keep thinking, I'll just wait until I have this next period...What if I am pregnant this month?  What if I prayed harder and wished on everything and it happened this month?  But I think deep down, I know this probably isn't something we can do on our own.  And I know that's not a bad thing, but I think it gives us both a sense of failure.  It's hard to feel excited or happy to have to go and tell the nurses and doctors that you've been trying for a year and we're still not pregnant.  I imagine the worse and I'm not sure if I'm strong enough to hear something as disappointing as we simply can't have children.  It's something I've spent my whole life just knowing that I'd one day have kids, and although I went through a phase of worrying about all the scary and uncomfortable aspects of being pregnant, I'd take back all the negative things I ever said or thought to experience it.  I want to know what it's like to have human life growing inside of me.  I want to hear their first cries in the delivery room and know that W and I made that child.  I want to hold that infant in my arms and be able to say "How can you love someone so much, when you just met them?"  I want to be a mother.

Thoughts on trying to get pregnant...

I’ve had an up and down last couple of months.  W and I’s relationship is going really well right now.  We are on the same page with things we want to do with our future.  We’ve been working hard to pay off debt, we remodeled our kitchen, which we paid cash for, and are still trying to get pregnant.  But that is where my downs have come from.  We’ve been trying for 10 months and still haven’t succeeded, which has been really hard on me.  W doesn’t seem to notice and that’s been another source of heartache for me.  I feel really alone when my period starts and I don’t have anyone to cry to.  W get’s annoyed when I am sad about it for “too long”, but it’s not something you can put a time frame on.  I’m grieving, in a sense, that I’m not pregnant.  I start to worry that having a baby naturally or even at all, might not be possible.  We’ve spent the last couple of months really  tracking my ovulation cycle and following recommendations to help our chances to conceive, but still have come up short.  I feel like my period is just an awful way to tell me I’m not pregnant.  It starts and then haunts me for a few days, with cramps and headaches, and my emotions are so up and down to go on top of it.  I wish that W would understand better and give me the loving attention that I really need during this hard time.  I wish that he would just let me cry to him, without trying to tell me that it’s not worth crying over.  I wish that he’d feel the same emotions that I do, so that he knew just how much sadness I feel each month.  I think he just doesn’t understand the pain that I’m going through and how much I long for a baby.  I’ve even started getting jealous of celebrities that are pregnant, or having babies.  I have to keep my emotions in check when we are grocery shopping or at the mall, and I see a pregnant woman or a small baby being pushed in a stroller.  I have a hard time not feeling angry towards people that can get pregnant, while I can’t.  I hate that my friend is pregnant after trying for one month and always seems to have something to say about her pregnancy.  What did we talk about before she got pregnant?  She always wants to know how our pregnancy trying is going, and it’s becoming too hard to answer her.  I don’t want to tell my pregnant friend, that I’m STILL not pregnant.  She started 7 months after me, and will have a baby in a few short months.  I long to have morning sickness and know that a baby is coming in a few months.   This same friend of mine said something that really got to me, and even though I told her it offended me, she never apologized for it, only told me that I took it wrong, so I have a hard time feeling happy for her.  Right after her and her husband started trying, I saw her and she told me that they’d started trying and that she felt like she was pregnant.  I was surprised and said you do?  She told me that she had just felt so strongly about having another baby for so long, that she just knew she was, and that it was God’s way of saying “Finally, here’s your baby.”  So to me that meant that even though I’ve felt strongly about having a baby, I must not really be meant to have a baby.   What about all those families that take forever to have kids, or simply can't have them?  I feel like WE make our own decisions, God doesn’t make them for us.  So I am not sure how I was supposed to take it when she said it.  I wish she would’ve explained herself a little more, when I told her it had hurt my feelings.  But I’m sure I’ll just forget about it eventually.  I can’t help but have a bad taste in my mouth, but I do need to move on from it.   W is going to be  travelling over the next couple of months, so we won’t be able to try during that time.  The only good thing about it, is that I won’t worry those 2 months, I’ll just plan on having a period.  A break from it all, might be just what I need.  But we will probably go see a doctor in Jan, and hopefully we’ll know if there’s something wrong with one of us, or if we just need to take fertility pills.  It will be nice to know what could be wrong, so we can get it fixed.  I can’t wait to have a baby and to see W as a dad.  I know he’ll be a great dad!  I love seeing him with the dogs, and him being worried about them, it just proves that he will be even better with our kids. 

Some Beach...

Work is a drag right now.  I'm staying busy, but I just don't want to be here.   Things at home have gotten a lot better.  I talked to W and was able to explain all my feelings and he had no idea I had been feeling so down about the way things were going.  He's always busy and doesn't seem to notice the days that I'm extra quiet or sad.  But he's been putting in more of an effort to make sure he lets me know he's thinking of me.  We've taken the dogs running with us the last couple of days after work and even though I"m sore, it's so worth it.  I want to get into good shape, for the first time in a few years.  I've reached a point that I can't hide the love handles and pooch anymore.  I just need to buckle down and get my excercise routine going.  I want to look good in a bikini and I want clothes to fit me without feeling like I'm always needing to suck my stomach in or try and hide the love handles.  I haven't been great at working out yet, but I am hoping that with W's help, we'll be able to push each other into better shape.  We've been talking about taking a vacation to Cali sometime this summer and it's getting me really excited.  I love the beach and the sun.  I just want to spend the time with W and work on reconnecting and figure out how to stay happy forever.  I can't imagine my life without him...but I know that everyone goes through their ups and downs, so I'm not the only one with issues.  I need to work on being more open to new ideas and not being so bratty all the time.  We've made some big decisions about what we'd like to see happen in the next few months.  If all goes according to plan, we'll have our credit card and his school loan debt paid off by the end of June.  We want to either save up for a new house, or we want to save up for a new kitchen and master bathroom and stay in our house for another few years.  So because we both want these things, I'll just need to deal with not wanting to be at work, and just do it.  But I can always dream of this...

Blogger Friends

Lately, I've been finding new blogs that interest me.  It's been really nice to see that everyone has the same feelings or issues as me as far as life is concerned.  It's nice to know that I am not alone when it comes to my own ups and downs.  I've been feeling down, like I mentioned before, and wishing things could hurry up and happen for us.  But really I've also spent a lot of time thinking about all the good things I have.  I have 3 adorable dogs who really are my joys.  They are my babies and bring so much happiness to me.  I love that they are so happy to see me when I get home from work or are there to comfort me when I'm having a bad day.  MB and B are the sweetest boxers and just want to please me and do what is right.  They don't like when I raise my voice and that makes me want to be a calmer person.  J is truly my best friend and can make me laugh on my unhappiest days.  She knows when I am sad and will happily snuggle on my lap or give me kisses when I need them.  She makes me happy just by sleeping in between my legs or curling up in the small of my back or in t he curve of my stomach when I lay on my side, every night to sleep.

I have a husband who has the same long term goals that I do.  He wants to have kids and wants to see them succeed and for us to be good parents.  He wants to make our current home a nice place to live, since we really don't know if we'll decide to stay put in a year or not.  He is willing to put in long hours at work to make sure that I never have to go without.  Sure he can be a pain sometimes, getting mad when I think I need that new pair of jeans or that home decoration, but also he knows that I have gotten better with money and also want those long term things and am willing to work for them too.  We have our ups and downs just like any other couple, and don't always see eye to eye.  But I am glad that we are able to talk through things and have gotten so much better at communicating.  We still have a long ways to go, but we have each other and are willing to do what it takes to stay married.

The weather has been up and down lately, with weather in the 70s one day and snow the next.  But I am used to this sort of thing living in Utah.  But the glimpses of spring have made me happy.  I love taking the dogs to the park for walks and I love seeing flowers start blooming and just being out in the warmer air.  I love doing yard work and am so excited to get my garden started (I should've planted my peas a couple weeks ago, oops!) and to get the patio set up again and new flowers planted in my pots.  I'm excited for summer BBQs and for long, warm summer nights hanging out on the porch swing watching the dogs run around in the backyard.  I'm excited to start playing Badminton and Dutch Softball at my Mom's house on Sunday nights.  I'm excited for weekend camping trips and time to spend in the peaceful mountains.  I've been also getting better at working out, so that my body can look good this summer.  I always say I'm going to look better each summer, but I really think I'm motivated this year.  I've been getting better at running longer distances for longer periods of time.  I've been able to push myself to do those lunges and crunches after my runs and I feel great afterwards!

Just some thoughts...

I've had a lot of ups and downs in my moods lately.  I don't know if the weather is adding to my sour moods, or if it's just a matter of needing to find something new to do with my extra time.  W and I are very lucky to both have good jobs and don't have a huge amount of debt.  We've decided to pay off all unnecessary debt (i.e houses and cars are necessary) and start saving for a down payment on our next house.  With that comes being really good about not spending any extra money.  I didn't realize just how much money we spent on going out to eat, me going out and getting a new outfit or two, buying new movies or books, until we stopped doing it.  We've been doing really good for 2 months of putting all extra money we can into the bank, and that included our tax return, every last penny.  We've begun to realize what we actually need and things we've just always had, but didn't truly need.  We switched cable carriers, and although we don't enjoy all the perks of Comcast anymore, we also don't pay the 3x the price that we were before either.  We've tried to drive less, make dinner at home more, stay in on weekends and put back the extra treats we don't really need.  It's crazy the amount of money you can save by doing all the little things.  But what comes with all this is boredom.  And a bored D, makes for a sad D.  W has been really busy with work and school and hasn't had time to be bored.  I can't help but feel sorry for myself and wish that this year could fly by and things could be done already.  On top of our planning to buy a new house, we've also decided it's time to start trying for a baby.  We've only been off birth control for 4 months., but I've been disappointed each month it doesn't happen for us.  I feel like I'm just stuck in a rut and I'm just not sure what to do.  I really do count my blessings and know that we are so lucky to have all that we do, and to actually have the means to save extra money each month after all our bills are paid.  We have our health and we have each other.  I am so happy to play with my dogs everyday, and know that they love me no matter what mood I am in.


So I've decided to take action and do something with myself, to keep me busy and maybe try to better myself.  So I looked up some classes and may get started learning about Interior Design.  I've always loved watching HGTV and am always thinking of ideas for my house, as well as those of my friends and family.  I think this could be a fun and educational class, that maybe could lead to something in the future for me.  But I've got to start to know if I even have the right touch for interior design.  This new idea makes me excited and gets me thinking about something in the near future, rather than putting all my focus on things that won't be here for another few months or longer.  I've also looked into a few other online courses, that could keep me busy and learn some actual stuff.  I'm nervous about it all though, I've never had a real desire to go to school after high school.  I wasn't gifted in Math or Science and History just bores me too much.  But I think finding a few subjects that do interest me, and do those classes one or two at a time, will be really good for me.

Bring On The Rain

You've probably heard that country song by JoDee Messina and Tim McGraw, called "Bring on the Rain". Ever since that song came out over 10 years ago, and I was a senior in high school, I've loved it. It's a song that's brought me to the tears I needed to shed on a bad day, or was a song to give me the extra motivation I needed, on others. I love everything about it, even to this day. A couple of months ago I was going through songs and artists that I've loved forever, trying to get an idea of just the perfect tattoo to get. This song popped up in my head and almost made me feel emotional about and I knew it was perfect for the tattoo I was getting. It says so much to me and makes me smile every time I catch a glimpse of it in the mirror. Bring on the rain means that it doesn't matter what life brings you, you can get through it. There may be some tough storms to face, but if you have the right people or attitude (which is the umbrella in the rain) you can get through any storm. "Tomorrow's another day, and I'm thirsty anyway, so bring on the rain!"