We had our second ultrasound this morning, and it looks like my body reacted a little bit too well to the Gonal F shots. I had way too many follicles. So they drew my blood (it only took them 6 tries to finally draw some blood, ha.) and ran a test to check my Estradiol levels. They wanted them to be in the 400 to 600 range, and then we'd be cleared to go ahead with our IUI on Sunday. I got a call a couple hours later, from my doctor. My levels were at 1589, so he gave me 3 choices: Cancel the IUI, go ahead with the IUI (which he does NOT recommend), or have a Cystaspiration done to remove the excess fluids and cysts from some follicles. They'd leave 2 good follicles alone and we could go forward with the IUI. But the operation costs $875 and if they end up having to use IV meds, because the oral meds don't sedate me enough (I'd be awake the whole time, but be sedated.) then it'd tack on another $300. And there's no guarantee that we'd get pregnant just because of it. So we decided to cancel this IUI. We'll have another consult with the doctor on the 10th, which also happens to be our anniversary. We'll go over our IVF options then.
I really do love our clinic. I got to have my blood drawn by my doctor, since the other guy wasn't able to get a good vein. He is the one who personally called me with the results and then said he'd have their program director call me. When I called for the IVF consult appt, they told me that if I was just a random case or new patient, I'd have to wait until the middle of August. But since they could see I'd gone through multiple steps and appointments, they moved some things around and are fitting me in in a week and a half. This actually gives me the time to possibly be able to go ahead with IVF on the next cycle. I won't know for sure, until we have the appointment, but I think things are looking good. Then I got a call from the program director who was so nice and willing to go through anything I needed to. He was so encouraging and that's so nice to feel like they care. He told me that Dr. P asked that I call him on his cell to talk to him about what I wanted to do with my options. When I called Dr. P back, he was so cool about it all. He told me that he thinks this is a great choice to move forward with IVF, as I will be an ideal patient since I respond so well to the drugs. While I am really bummed about not moving forward right now, I feel a lot of hope that this was just another step in the right direction to getting pregnant. I think that the clinic wants to do whatever they can to make it happen.
So for now, we will have to use protection to avoid getting pregnant with 6-8 babies. We are going to relax and enjoy this next week and the 4th of July. We will look forward to celebrating 5 years of wedded bliss with whatever we want to do, without worrying about hurting the cycle in any way. We will find the good in this bust of a cycle, because we are willing to stay positive and hopeful that all these steps are putting us closer to a family.
I feel so lucky to have such a great husband in W. He has been wonderful this week. He's not complained once about coming to the appointments with me, and really wants to be involved. He gave me my Gonal F shots both days and keeps me calm throughout it all. He is so willing to do whatever it takes to put together the money it will take to go through IVF. He wants a family as badly as I do, and that makes me so happy. I feel incredibly lucky to be married to such a wonderful man.
Friday, June 28, 2013
Monday, June 24, 2013
Hard Days
The last cycle failed. All that hope and positivity I had going into it was all a waste of time. I did everything right and it didn't change anything. I used Clomid, didn't have any alcohol and tried to be extra conscious of being healthy. We did our ultrasound, saw that I had 2 big follicles and timed out my trigger shot and IUI perfectly. I had an actual doctor perform the IUI this time, and she mentioned taking a little bit extra time, since my uterus tilts back. I laid on the table an extra 5 minutes, and thought "all the others must not have paid any extra attention to my tilted uterus." I told myself that not only was it going to work this time, but twins were a definite possibility, since the doctor said that Clomid did the job we wanted it to do, by giving me 2 big, healthy follies.
I first took a test last Saturday and cried when it was negative. I was able to get in a good run with my sister that morning, and while I still felt sad, I know that helped me get through the day. The next day was Father's Day and I knew I needed to not allow myself to be sad, so I could enjoy the day with family. When I called the doctors office on Tuesday, the nurse told me that I tested too early and I needed to test again that night. I tried not to, but my hopes went up a little bit, and then all came crashing down yet again with another negative. My period started on Wednesday night and I haven't been able to shake all the depression since. I feel so ripped off and mad. I don't understand why when everything looks perfect, it still doesn't work? Why do we have to spend so much money at the chance of getting pregnant, when so many around me don't even know the feeling of failure for even one cycle? I feel robbed of the joys of a family, that I deserve. W and I have worked hard to have a good relationship and have created a good home for a family. But for some reason, it's not in the cards for us yet.
I keep thinking about how close we are to the 3 year mark, since we started trying, and I never thought I'd see this day. If we'd gotten pregnant right away, we'd likely be trying for #2 right now. But instead we are still holding onto hope of the idea of a family. We are starting to realize how much money we could spend on just trying to get pregnant. While we will do whatever it takes to have a baby, it feels so unfair that we will end up spending thousands of dollars in order to do so. I want that money for other things. I want to be able to buy a nicer, bigger home with that money. I want our car paid off with that money. I want that money safe in my savings account. I want this journey to be easier and for the pain to stop. I want to feel like myself again. I want to smile when I see a baby, instead of feeling mad/sad that I don't have that yet. I want to be a mom more than anything, and I want to see W be a dad. I want us to be a family.
I first took a test last Saturday and cried when it was negative. I was able to get in a good run with my sister that morning, and while I still felt sad, I know that helped me get through the day. The next day was Father's Day and I knew I needed to not allow myself to be sad, so I could enjoy the day with family. When I called the doctors office on Tuesday, the nurse told me that I tested too early and I needed to test again that night. I tried not to, but my hopes went up a little bit, and then all came crashing down yet again with another negative. My period started on Wednesday night and I haven't been able to shake all the depression since. I feel so ripped off and mad. I don't understand why when everything looks perfect, it still doesn't work? Why do we have to spend so much money at the chance of getting pregnant, when so many around me don't even know the feeling of failure for even one cycle? I feel robbed of the joys of a family, that I deserve. W and I have worked hard to have a good relationship and have created a good home for a family. But for some reason, it's not in the cards for us yet.
I keep thinking about how close we are to the 3 year mark, since we started trying, and I never thought I'd see this day. If we'd gotten pregnant right away, we'd likely be trying for #2 right now. But instead we are still holding onto hope of the idea of a family. We are starting to realize how much money we could spend on just trying to get pregnant. While we will do whatever it takes to have a baby, it feels so unfair that we will end up spending thousands of dollars in order to do so. I want that money for other things. I want to be able to buy a nicer, bigger home with that money. I want our car paid off with that money. I want that money safe in my savings account. I want this journey to be easier and for the pain to stop. I want to feel like myself again. I want to smile when I see a baby, instead of feeling mad/sad that I don't have that yet. I want to be a mom more than anything, and I want to see W be a dad. I want us to be a family.
Article
Originally written on 6/18/13
I came across this article in a blog and I think it helps me see that it's okay for me to feel sad/mad about the "advice" or reactions I get from people when they find out about our infertility. It also helped me remember how great my family and close friends have been throughout this journey. If I can't have it right now, it's nice to have the encouragement and support from them.
http://www.resolve.org/support-and-services/for-family--friends/infertility-etiquette.html
I came across this article in a blog and I think it helps me see that it's okay for me to feel sad/mad about the "advice" or reactions I get from people when they find out about our infertility. It also helped me remember how great my family and close friends have been throughout this journey. If I can't have it right now, it's nice to have the encouragement and support from them.
http://www.resolve.org/support-and-services/for-family--friends/infertility-etiquette.html
Overwhelmed
Originally written on 6/18/13
Do you ever feel so overwhelmed with all the things going on in your life, that you can't seem to find a way out? I'm there right now. W and I have been doing really good. We got into a good habit of saving money and were able to do a few things lately, buy his new car using savings for a hefty down payment. Then we bought a trailer, with straight up cash, which was such a liberating feeling. But then it seems like all these things pop up that eat up any last bit of savings we had and add on the stress I've always hated.
Another stupid cycle has failed. We're out $750 for this month, which only adds to the money stress. We really are just fine, I just hate feeling like our accounts are low and hate feeling like any big catastrophe could set us back months. This next cycle will cost us anywhere from $1,000 to $1500. And there's no guarantee that it will work. We're just gambling with more hormones and hopefully better timing. I'm feeling down and out about things today and can't quite get out of this slump. I want so badly to just be pregnant and to know what our future holds for us. I want a reason to have good motivation to save money and not feel the need to fill these voids with random, unnecessary purchases. I want a reason to work hard and a reason to keep pushing myself to be better. Right now it feels hopeless to keep doing the things I do, day in and day out.
I want to find a purpose for life, and not try and pretend that I'm loving that "it's just the 2 of us, until we're ready." We're ready now, we've been ready now for 3 years. I can't get anymore ready and the longer it takes, the more time I have to focus on all the shitty things popping up around me.
Do you ever feel so overwhelmed with all the things going on in your life, that you can't seem to find a way out? I'm there right now. W and I have been doing really good. We got into a good habit of saving money and were able to do a few things lately, buy his new car using savings for a hefty down payment. Then we bought a trailer, with straight up cash, which was such a liberating feeling. But then it seems like all these things pop up that eat up any last bit of savings we had and add on the stress I've always hated.
Another stupid cycle has failed. We're out $750 for this month, which only adds to the money stress. We really are just fine, I just hate feeling like our accounts are low and hate feeling like any big catastrophe could set us back months. This next cycle will cost us anywhere from $1,000 to $1500. And there's no guarantee that it will work. We're just gambling with more hormones and hopefully better timing. I'm feeling down and out about things today and can't quite get out of this slump. I want so badly to just be pregnant and to know what our future holds for us. I want a reason to have good motivation to save money and not feel the need to fill these voids with random, unnecessary purchases. I want a reason to work hard and a reason to keep pushing myself to be better. Right now it feels hopeless to keep doing the things I do, day in and day out.
I want to find a purpose for life, and not try and pretend that I'm loving that "it's just the 2 of us, until we're ready." We're ready now, we've been ready now for 3 years. I can't get anymore ready and the longer it takes, the more time I have to focus on all the shitty things popping up around me.
Waiting
Originally written on 6/5/13
All the waiting when TTC is the hardest. You wait to start your cycle, then you wait to see if you're pregnant or not and then do it all over again. I always have really good, positive days and then negative, sad days. I know this is completely normal, but it's hard dealing with the ups and downs. It's hard to get your hopes so high up, only to come crashing down. Yet I do it month after month.
This cycle feels different, for some reason. I'm sure it's simply because we have tried a different route, of using Clomid and feeling like our timing of the IUI was perfect. The doctor seemed so pleased with how the U/S looked saying that the Clomid did exactly what it was supposed to do and gave me two good, big sized follicles. We left the appt, as we always do after seeing Dr. P, feeling so hopeful and sure this is our month! But we've learned all too often that it doesn't necessarily change anything. No "feelings" that we get, mean anything. Today has a little bit of negativity around it. I can't help but worry that it won't work...What's going to be different this time? I will do everything in my power to ensure I do what I can do help achieve pregnancy this month and just have to hope that the month long preparation helped.
I've given up having drinks, cut out my morning coffee and any caffeinated sodas. I've started taking progesterone last night and wonder if this somber/mopey mood is a side effect of the progesterone, honestly. I've had a migraine and a stiff neck/shoulder since yesterday morning and have just had to deal with Tylenol only taking a bit of the edge off, but not taking away the pain. I started eating fresh pineapple, since my sister read that it helps with the implantation process. I have generally given up a social life, to avoid having to tell many people about this cycle. It's so hard to always feel like I have to keep all this information bottled up and to myself. But I do want some element of surprise in the end. But right now, I feel like I'm isolating myself and that could create a barrier with friends and family in the process. I don't know what the answer is though, do I take the surprise out of it or just hope that those close to me don't hold onto my anti-socialness down the road? How long will I be doing this? Will I be pregnant in a couple weeks or will I be continuing to try?
Guess, I'll just wait and see.
All the waiting when TTC is the hardest. You wait to start your cycle, then you wait to see if you're pregnant or not and then do it all over again. I always have really good, positive days and then negative, sad days. I know this is completely normal, but it's hard dealing with the ups and downs. It's hard to get your hopes so high up, only to come crashing down. Yet I do it month after month.
This cycle feels different, for some reason. I'm sure it's simply because we have tried a different route, of using Clomid and feeling like our timing of the IUI was perfect. The doctor seemed so pleased with how the U/S looked saying that the Clomid did exactly what it was supposed to do and gave me two good, big sized follicles. We left the appt, as we always do after seeing Dr. P, feeling so hopeful and sure this is our month! But we've learned all too often that it doesn't necessarily change anything. No "feelings" that we get, mean anything. Today has a little bit of negativity around it. I can't help but worry that it won't work...What's going to be different this time? I will do everything in my power to ensure I do what I can do help achieve pregnancy this month and just have to hope that the month long preparation helped.
I've given up having drinks, cut out my morning coffee and any caffeinated sodas. I've started taking progesterone last night and wonder if this somber/mopey mood is a side effect of the progesterone, honestly. I've had a migraine and a stiff neck/shoulder since yesterday morning and have just had to deal with Tylenol only taking a bit of the edge off, but not taking away the pain. I started eating fresh pineapple, since my sister read that it helps with the implantation process. I have generally given up a social life, to avoid having to tell many people about this cycle. It's so hard to always feel like I have to keep all this information bottled up and to myself. But I do want some element of surprise in the end. But right now, I feel like I'm isolating myself and that could create a barrier with friends and family in the process. I don't know what the answer is though, do I take the surprise out of it or just hope that those close to me don't hold onto my anti-socialness down the road? How long will I be doing this? Will I be pregnant in a couple weeks or will I be continuing to try?
Guess, I'll just wait and see.
New Hope
Originally written on 6/3/13
I have been feeling so hopeful and positive about this month's chance at getting pregnant. We had a Dr. appt a couple weeks ago and found out that all W's tests look good. So we really don't have a definite answer of why we aren't getting pregnant on our own. But, Dr. P suggested a couple other routes we can take with IUI's to better our chances.
So we decided that this month I was going on Clomid. We went in for an U/S on Saturday to check my follicles and lining. I have 2 big follicles and a few smaller ones, and my lining looks great! Dr. P seemed really confident and excited for our chance this month. We did my 4th IUI this morning (6/3/13) and now will be playing the 2 week waiting game. I am so positive and hopeful that this month will work. My fingers are crossed!
I have been feeling so hopeful and positive about this month's chance at getting pregnant. We had a Dr. appt a couple weeks ago and found out that all W's tests look good. So we really don't have a definite answer of why we aren't getting pregnant on our own. But, Dr. P suggested a couple other routes we can take with IUI's to better our chances.
So we decided that this month I was going on Clomid. We went in for an U/S on Saturday to check my follicles and lining. I have 2 big follicles and a few smaller ones, and my lining looks great! Dr. P seemed really confident and excited for our chance this month. We did my 4th IUI this morning (6/3/13) and now will be playing the 2 week waiting game. I am so positive and hopeful that this month will work. My fingers are crossed!
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