Overwhelmed

Originally written on 6/18/13

Do you ever feel so overwhelmed with all the things going on in your life, that you can't seem to find a way out?  I'm there right now.  W and I have been doing really good.  We got into a good habit of saving money and were able to do a few things lately, buy his new car using savings for a hefty down payment.  Then we bought a trailer, with straight up cash, which was such a liberating feeling.  But then it seems like all these things pop up that eat up any last bit of savings we had and add on the stress I've always hated. 

Another stupid cycle has failed.  We're out $750 for this month, which only adds to the money stress.  We really are just fine, I just hate feeling like our accounts are low and hate feeling like any big catastrophe could set us back months.  This next cycle will cost us anywhere from $1,000 to $1500.  And there's no guarantee that it will work.  We're just gambling with more hormones and hopefully better timing.  I'm feeling down and out about things today and can't quite get out of this slump.  I want so badly to just be pregnant and to know what our future holds for us.  I want a reason to have good motivation to save money and not feel the need to fill these voids with random, unnecessary purchases.  I want a reason to work hard and a reason to keep pushing myself to be better.  Right now it feels hopeless to keep doing the things I do, day in and day out.

I want to find a purpose for life, and not try and pretend that I'm loving that "it's just the 2 of us, until we're ready."  We're ready now, we've been ready now for 3 years.  I can't get anymore ready and the longer it takes, the more time I have to focus on all the shitty things popping up around me.