The last cycle failed. All that hope and positivity I had going into it was all a waste of time. I did everything right and it didn't change anything. I used Clomid, didn't have any alcohol and tried to be extra conscious of being healthy. We did our ultrasound, saw that I had 2 big follicles and timed out my trigger shot and IUI perfectly. I had an actual doctor perform the IUI this time, and she mentioned taking a little bit extra time, since my uterus tilts back. I laid on the table an extra 5 minutes, and thought "all the others must not have paid any extra attention to my tilted uterus." I told myself that not only was it going to work this time, but twins were a definite possibility, since the doctor said that Clomid did the job we wanted it to do, by giving me 2 big, healthy follies.
I first took a test last Saturday and cried when it was negative. I was able to get in a good run with my sister that morning, and while I still felt sad, I know that helped me get through the day. The next day was Father's Day and I knew I needed to not allow myself to be sad, so I could enjoy the day with family. When I called the doctors office on Tuesday, the nurse told me that I tested too early and I needed to test again that night. I tried not to, but my hopes went up a little bit, and then all came crashing down yet again with another negative. My period started on Wednesday night and I haven't been able to shake all the depression since. I feel so ripped off and mad. I don't understand why when everything looks perfect, it still doesn't work? Why do we have to spend so much money at the chance of getting pregnant, when so many around me don't even know the feeling of failure for even one cycle? I feel robbed of the joys of a family, that I deserve. W and I have worked hard to have a good relationship and have created a good home for a family. But for some reason, it's not in the cards for us yet.
I keep thinking about how close we are to the 3 year mark, since we started trying, and I never thought I'd see this day. If we'd gotten pregnant right away, we'd likely be trying for #2 right now. But instead we are still holding onto hope of the idea of a family. We are starting to realize how much money we could spend on just trying to get pregnant. While we will do whatever it takes to have a baby, it feels so unfair that we will end up spending thousands of dollars in order to do so. I want that money for other things. I want to be able to buy a nicer, bigger home with that money. I want our car paid off with that money. I want that money safe in my savings account. I want this journey to be easier and for the pain to stop. I want to feel like myself again. I want to smile when I see a baby, instead of feeling mad/sad that I don't have that yet. I want to be a mom more than anything, and I want to see W be a dad. I want us to be a family.
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