Waiting

Originally written on 6/5/13

All the waiting when TTC is the hardest.  You wait to start your cycle, then you wait to see if you're pregnant or not and then do it all over again.  I always have really good, positive days and then negative, sad days.  I know this is completely normal, but it's hard dealing with the ups and downs.  It's hard to get your hopes so high up, only to come crashing down.  Yet I do it month after month. 

This cycle feels different, for some reason.  I'm sure it's simply because we have tried a different route, of using Clomid and feeling like our timing of the IUI was perfect.  The doctor seemed so pleased with how the U/S looked saying that the Clomid did exactly what it was supposed to do and gave me two good, big sized follicles.  We left the appt, as we always do after seeing Dr. P, feeling so hopeful and sure this is our month!  But we've learned all too often that it doesn't necessarily change anything.  No "feelings" that we get, mean anything.  Today has a little bit of negativity around it.  I can't help but worry that it won't work...What's going to be different this time?  I will do everything in my power to ensure I do what I can do help achieve pregnancy this month and just have to hope that the month long preparation helped.

I've given up having drinks, cut out my morning coffee and any caffeinated sodas.  I've started taking progesterone last night and wonder if this somber/mopey mood is a side effect of the progesterone, honestly.  I've had a migraine and a stiff neck/shoulder since yesterday morning and have just had to deal with Tylenol only taking a bit of the edge off, but not taking away the pain.  I started eating fresh pineapple, since my sister read that it helps with the implantation process.  I have generally given up a social life, to avoid having to tell many people about this cycle.  It's so hard to always feel like I have to keep all this information bottled up and to myself.  But I do want some element of surprise in the end.  But right now, I feel like I'm isolating myself and that could create a barrier with friends and family in the process.   I don't know what the answer is though, do I take the surprise out of it or just hope that those close to me don't hold onto my anti-socialness down the road?  How long will I be doing this?  Will I be pregnant in a couple weeks or will I be continuing to try?

Guess, I'll just wait and see.