Originally written on 6/18/13
I came across this article in a blog and I think it helps me see that it's okay for me to feel sad/mad about the "advice" or reactions I get from people when they find out about our infertility. It also helped me remember how great my family and close friends have been throughout this journey. If I can't have it right now, it's nice to have the encouragement and support from them.
http://www.resolve.org/support-and-services/for-family--friends/infertility-etiquette.html
Monday, June 24, 2013
Overwhelmed
Originally written on 6/18/13
Do you ever feel so overwhelmed with all the things going on in your life, that you can't seem to find a way out? I'm there right now. W and I have been doing really good. We got into a good habit of saving money and were able to do a few things lately, buy his new car using savings for a hefty down payment. Then we bought a trailer, with straight up cash, which was such a liberating feeling. But then it seems like all these things pop up that eat up any last bit of savings we had and add on the stress I've always hated.
Another stupid cycle has failed. We're out $750 for this month, which only adds to the money stress. We really are just fine, I just hate feeling like our accounts are low and hate feeling like any big catastrophe could set us back months. This next cycle will cost us anywhere from $1,000 to $1500. And there's no guarantee that it will work. We're just gambling with more hormones and hopefully better timing. I'm feeling down and out about things today and can't quite get out of this slump. I want so badly to just be pregnant and to know what our future holds for us. I want a reason to have good motivation to save money and not feel the need to fill these voids with random, unnecessary purchases. I want a reason to work hard and a reason to keep pushing myself to be better. Right now it feels hopeless to keep doing the things I do, day in and day out.
I want to find a purpose for life, and not try and pretend that I'm loving that "it's just the 2 of us, until we're ready." We're ready now, we've been ready now for 3 years. I can't get anymore ready and the longer it takes, the more time I have to focus on all the shitty things popping up around me.
Do you ever feel so overwhelmed with all the things going on in your life, that you can't seem to find a way out? I'm there right now. W and I have been doing really good. We got into a good habit of saving money and were able to do a few things lately, buy his new car using savings for a hefty down payment. Then we bought a trailer, with straight up cash, which was such a liberating feeling. But then it seems like all these things pop up that eat up any last bit of savings we had and add on the stress I've always hated.
Another stupid cycle has failed. We're out $750 for this month, which only adds to the money stress. We really are just fine, I just hate feeling like our accounts are low and hate feeling like any big catastrophe could set us back months. This next cycle will cost us anywhere from $1,000 to $1500. And there's no guarantee that it will work. We're just gambling with more hormones and hopefully better timing. I'm feeling down and out about things today and can't quite get out of this slump. I want so badly to just be pregnant and to know what our future holds for us. I want a reason to have good motivation to save money and not feel the need to fill these voids with random, unnecessary purchases. I want a reason to work hard and a reason to keep pushing myself to be better. Right now it feels hopeless to keep doing the things I do, day in and day out.
I want to find a purpose for life, and not try and pretend that I'm loving that "it's just the 2 of us, until we're ready." We're ready now, we've been ready now for 3 years. I can't get anymore ready and the longer it takes, the more time I have to focus on all the shitty things popping up around me.
Waiting
Originally written on 6/5/13
All the waiting when TTC is the hardest. You wait to start your cycle, then you wait to see if you're pregnant or not and then do it all over again. I always have really good, positive days and then negative, sad days. I know this is completely normal, but it's hard dealing with the ups and downs. It's hard to get your hopes so high up, only to come crashing down. Yet I do it month after month.
This cycle feels different, for some reason. I'm sure it's simply because we have tried a different route, of using Clomid and feeling like our timing of the IUI was perfect. The doctor seemed so pleased with how the U/S looked saying that the Clomid did exactly what it was supposed to do and gave me two good, big sized follicles. We left the appt, as we always do after seeing Dr. P, feeling so hopeful and sure this is our month! But we've learned all too often that it doesn't necessarily change anything. No "feelings" that we get, mean anything. Today has a little bit of negativity around it. I can't help but worry that it won't work...What's going to be different this time? I will do everything in my power to ensure I do what I can do help achieve pregnancy this month and just have to hope that the month long preparation helped.
I've given up having drinks, cut out my morning coffee and any caffeinated sodas. I've started taking progesterone last night and wonder if this somber/mopey mood is a side effect of the progesterone, honestly. I've had a migraine and a stiff neck/shoulder since yesterday morning and have just had to deal with Tylenol only taking a bit of the edge off, but not taking away the pain. I started eating fresh pineapple, since my sister read that it helps with the implantation process. I have generally given up a social life, to avoid having to tell many people about this cycle. It's so hard to always feel like I have to keep all this information bottled up and to myself. But I do want some element of surprise in the end. But right now, I feel like I'm isolating myself and that could create a barrier with friends and family in the process. I don't know what the answer is though, do I take the surprise out of it or just hope that those close to me don't hold onto my anti-socialness down the road? How long will I be doing this? Will I be pregnant in a couple weeks or will I be continuing to try?
Guess, I'll just wait and see.
All the waiting when TTC is the hardest. You wait to start your cycle, then you wait to see if you're pregnant or not and then do it all over again. I always have really good, positive days and then negative, sad days. I know this is completely normal, but it's hard dealing with the ups and downs. It's hard to get your hopes so high up, only to come crashing down. Yet I do it month after month.
This cycle feels different, for some reason. I'm sure it's simply because we have tried a different route, of using Clomid and feeling like our timing of the IUI was perfect. The doctor seemed so pleased with how the U/S looked saying that the Clomid did exactly what it was supposed to do and gave me two good, big sized follicles. We left the appt, as we always do after seeing Dr. P, feeling so hopeful and sure this is our month! But we've learned all too often that it doesn't necessarily change anything. No "feelings" that we get, mean anything. Today has a little bit of negativity around it. I can't help but worry that it won't work...What's going to be different this time? I will do everything in my power to ensure I do what I can do help achieve pregnancy this month and just have to hope that the month long preparation helped.
I've given up having drinks, cut out my morning coffee and any caffeinated sodas. I've started taking progesterone last night and wonder if this somber/mopey mood is a side effect of the progesterone, honestly. I've had a migraine and a stiff neck/shoulder since yesterday morning and have just had to deal with Tylenol only taking a bit of the edge off, but not taking away the pain. I started eating fresh pineapple, since my sister read that it helps with the implantation process. I have generally given up a social life, to avoid having to tell many people about this cycle. It's so hard to always feel like I have to keep all this information bottled up and to myself. But I do want some element of surprise in the end. But right now, I feel like I'm isolating myself and that could create a barrier with friends and family in the process. I don't know what the answer is though, do I take the surprise out of it or just hope that those close to me don't hold onto my anti-socialness down the road? How long will I be doing this? Will I be pregnant in a couple weeks or will I be continuing to try?
Guess, I'll just wait and see.
New Hope
Originally written on 6/3/13
I have been feeling so hopeful and positive about this month's chance at getting pregnant. We had a Dr. appt a couple weeks ago and found out that all W's tests look good. So we really don't have a definite answer of why we aren't getting pregnant on our own. But, Dr. P suggested a couple other routes we can take with IUI's to better our chances.
So we decided that this month I was going on Clomid. We went in for an U/S on Saturday to check my follicles and lining. I have 2 big follicles and a few smaller ones, and my lining looks great! Dr. P seemed really confident and excited for our chance this month. We did my 4th IUI this morning (6/3/13) and now will be playing the 2 week waiting game. I am so positive and hopeful that this month will work. My fingers are crossed!
I have been feeling so hopeful and positive about this month's chance at getting pregnant. We had a Dr. appt a couple weeks ago and found out that all W's tests look good. So we really don't have a definite answer of why we aren't getting pregnant on our own. But, Dr. P suggested a couple other routes we can take with IUI's to better our chances.
So we decided that this month I was going on Clomid. We went in for an U/S on Saturday to check my follicles and lining. I have 2 big follicles and a few smaller ones, and my lining looks great! Dr. P seemed really confident and excited for our chance this month. We did my 4th IUI this morning (6/3/13) and now will be playing the 2 week waiting game. I am so positive and hopeful that this month will work. My fingers are crossed!
Wednesday, May 15, 2013
Dreaded 30
Things have been going well for us in the last couple of weeks. We were really disappointed about IUI #3 not working, but really took our "break" to heart and hadn't wasted a lot of time thinking about our next steps. We are at an in between with waiting on W's test results and not really knowing what our next steps are. I was feeling pretty carefree and not concerned with any of the baby stuff, until the day before my 30th birthday hit...And it really made me realize, once again, that we didn't have what we wanted by then. Yesterday and a little bit into today, I've just felt sad that we aren't much closer to where we'd like to be, than we were 2 1/2 years ago. I know we'll have all of our tests/labs done with and I can only hope we have some sort of answer soon. I'm hopeful that we won't be in limbo for too long, because I'm starting to get antsy and know there's no way I could possibly take any longer break than this month. You just can't force yourself to feel okay pushing back trying for something you want so bad. Hopefully we'll have answers soon and a game plan.
Tuesday, April 9, 2013
My sweet hubby
I just wanted to write of a couple of sweet things with my hubby. He went out of town for a couple of days last week, so after he got home Saturday afternoon, we decided to hit up PF Changs and indulge in our favorite dishes. I felt like we were in another place, away from all normal life. We had the best time at dinner. We talked and laughed and were able to talk a little bit about if this IUI doesn't work, what IVF means to us. He was so sweet about it all. I can see just how much he wants this to work too. We both are scared of IVF and the unknown of it all, but I feel so much peace for the future, knowing that I have him by my side. He is so good to me. We had such a wonderful weekend, I didn't want it to end. We snuggled, giggled, held hands, kissed, and talked all weekend long, and it's those types of weekends that let me know that my life isn't bad. I have so much good, and if it takes us longer to get a baby, that will be okay. W and I are good company for each other, and in a way I will be sad to have the days of "just the two of us" gone.
On Sunday we went to Scheels, and browsed the entire store. As we were walking through, we came across baby strollers, and I thought it was incredibly sweet that W immediately stopped to look at them, and even took one for a spin up and down the aisle. It's so sweet to me that he takes notice of these types of things, and isn't afraid to get a bit googley eyed looking at the stuff and dreaming of our future. The longer this journey takes, the more and more I see just how good of a dad he will be. I cannot wait to see him in action, holding our little one and changing their tiny lil' bum.
On Sunday we went to Scheels, and browsed the entire store. As we were walking through, we came across baby strollers, and I thought it was incredibly sweet that W immediately stopped to look at them, and even took one for a spin up and down the aisle. It's so sweet to me that he takes notice of these types of things, and isn't afraid to get a bit googley eyed looking at the stuff and dreaming of our future. The longer this journey takes, the more and more I see just how good of a dad he will be. I cannot wait to see him in action, holding our little one and changing their tiny lil' bum.
Thursday, April 4, 2013
IUI #3 and IVF Talk
The last couple of days I've been really thinking. Digging deep, finding myself lost in my thoughts as to what I'm really feeling. We did IUI #2 in March and it didn't work. So I got ahold of my doctor to ask what more we could do on our next IUI to help our chances. He went over the options, that would really only raise our chances 1-2%, but would double the cost of the IUI. He told me that he doesn't want us to do more than 3 IUI's, so I made the decision to just try this IUI the same as #2 and just hope that it works.
Dr. P said that if #3 doesn't work this month, he'd like me to make an appt to see him to go over our next step which will be IVF. IVF is such a dreaded thing to me. I truly never thought I'd hear that as an option for us. You spend so much time being focused on all these little things that could be wrong; timing or maybe missing ovulation here and there. You follow instructions from doctors, and believe that this month it's going to work. I've done 6 cycles with Femara, 3 with Progesterone. I've spent the last year timing out my ovulation with predicter kits. I've taken prenatal vitamins (That my OB/GYN prescribed) for over a year and all these things were money out of our pocket and down the drain. I can't honestly say it was all worth it. Now I am adding 2 failed IUI's and the ultrasound and fertlity drugs we used to the list as wasted time and money. I guess I don't like to say wasted, because you have to be willing to do what it takes to know if it will work. But it's really hard to see it as money well spent, when there's nothing to show for it.
With IVF, my thoughts keep coming back to how much time and money we could end up spending on one cycle. And what if that cycle doesn't work? How long will it take us to save up for the next one? How much of my vacation time will be used for treatments, instead of a real vacation? And will we ever get a real vacation again? We have been blessed to do things that others will never do, but I've felt like we've earned it for having such a hard time getting pregnant. Now, I feel like we could have to give up on so much, use savings that we wanted to pay our house down with. Use savings that we wanted to use as a down payment. Use savings that could go towards that next getaway to give us a break from the challenges that infertitlity brings. I'm sure it seems selfish, since I really would do anything to have a baby, but how unfair it still seems that we are even having to think of the future differently. We've worked hard to save up, hoping that within the first couple years of our kid's life, we'd be able to sell our house and move into somewhere we wanted to be forever. This could potentially change everything we've ever hoped for. This could mean we have to stay living in a neighborhood I can't imagine raising kids in. This could mean I might not get to stay at home with my kids, because our savings is now gone. Infertility not only changes us personally, but it changes everything in our lives.
My other thought has been, what if IVF doesn't work? How many cycles do you really do, and can I ever truly find happiness in giving up that dream of having my own biological kids? I thought I would adopt with no problems, if I couldn't have kids, but now that I do have the idea in the back of my mind as a possibility, it just doesn't seem right. No one can truly know how they feel about it, until they've gone through it. It's not as easy as you think, before getting into it all. Maybe my mind will be more open to it, should we get to that point of knowing we can't have kids.
Sometimes I feel like I'm living in a dream. How can this be our life? How can we have our path changed so many times, when we have no control? How do we continue to hold onto hope, after 2 and a half years of disappointments? How do we let go of the anger and sadness and push forward? It's all so surreal and I don't really like the person I have become throughout all this. When do I get to try and go back to the way I was before?
I might be jumping the gun, when we really do have one more shot with an IUI. Maybe 3rd time will be the charm for us? I just needed to get some things off my chest, so maybe they'll stop running through my mind all day long. I do feel calm and at peace with this next IUI, so I think I can honestly say I do feel hopeful, but there's also a side of being realistic that won't let me fully believe it's going to work. We'll know our answer by the end of the month, though.
Dr. P said that if #3 doesn't work this month, he'd like me to make an appt to see him to go over our next step which will be IVF. IVF is such a dreaded thing to me. I truly never thought I'd hear that as an option for us. You spend so much time being focused on all these little things that could be wrong; timing or maybe missing ovulation here and there. You follow instructions from doctors, and believe that this month it's going to work. I've done 6 cycles with Femara, 3 with Progesterone. I've spent the last year timing out my ovulation with predicter kits. I've taken prenatal vitamins (That my OB/GYN prescribed) for over a year and all these things were money out of our pocket and down the drain. I can't honestly say it was all worth it. Now I am adding 2 failed IUI's and the ultrasound and fertlity drugs we used to the list as wasted time and money. I guess I don't like to say wasted, because you have to be willing to do what it takes to know if it will work. But it's really hard to see it as money well spent, when there's nothing to show for it.
With IVF, my thoughts keep coming back to how much time and money we could end up spending on one cycle. And what if that cycle doesn't work? How long will it take us to save up for the next one? How much of my vacation time will be used for treatments, instead of a real vacation? And will we ever get a real vacation again? We have been blessed to do things that others will never do, but I've felt like we've earned it for having such a hard time getting pregnant. Now, I feel like we could have to give up on so much, use savings that we wanted to pay our house down with. Use savings that we wanted to use as a down payment. Use savings that could go towards that next getaway to give us a break from the challenges that infertitlity brings. I'm sure it seems selfish, since I really would do anything to have a baby, but how unfair it still seems that we are even having to think of the future differently. We've worked hard to save up, hoping that within the first couple years of our kid's life, we'd be able to sell our house and move into somewhere we wanted to be forever. This could potentially change everything we've ever hoped for. This could mean we have to stay living in a neighborhood I can't imagine raising kids in. This could mean I might not get to stay at home with my kids, because our savings is now gone. Infertility not only changes us personally, but it changes everything in our lives.
My other thought has been, what if IVF doesn't work? How many cycles do you really do, and can I ever truly find happiness in giving up that dream of having my own biological kids? I thought I would adopt with no problems, if I couldn't have kids, but now that I do have the idea in the back of my mind as a possibility, it just doesn't seem right. No one can truly know how they feel about it, until they've gone through it. It's not as easy as you think, before getting into it all. Maybe my mind will be more open to it, should we get to that point of knowing we can't have kids.
Sometimes I feel like I'm living in a dream. How can this be our life? How can we have our path changed so many times, when we have no control? How do we continue to hold onto hope, after 2 and a half years of disappointments? How do we let go of the anger and sadness and push forward? It's all so surreal and I don't really like the person I have become throughout all this. When do I get to try and go back to the way I was before?
I might be jumping the gun, when we really do have one more shot with an IUI. Maybe 3rd time will be the charm for us? I just needed to get some things off my chest, so maybe they'll stop running through my mind all day long. I do feel calm and at peace with this next IUI, so I think I can honestly say I do feel hopeful, but there's also a side of being realistic that won't let me fully believe it's going to work. We'll know our answer by the end of the month, though.
Friday, March 1, 2013
IUI #1
Did IUI #1 on February 14th. Was supposed to be able to test yesterday, and after 2 weeks of stressing and hoping, we were excited to finally have it over with. But, I got a great big disappointment when I started spotting and cramping at work. I knew by the evening that my period was starting, but decided to test anyway. It was negative. It's been a rough 24 hours.
I found out a couple days before that, I don't need surgery that my uterus is just heart shaped. So that was good news.
I found out a couple days before that, I don't need surgery that my uterus is just heart shaped. So that was good news.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)