The Reason

I've been on a quest lately to find really good songs.  Songs that make me happy, songs that give me my reason to cry the tears I've been holding in for days, songs that pump me up to finish that last mile on my run, songs that bring back wonderful memories.  I came across "The Reason" by Hoobastank.  I always liked the song, but never really listened to the lyrics.  Not all the lyrics apply to what I've been going through, but the chorus seems to get me teary.  Even right now, I'm struggling to hold it in, sitting at my desk at work, to write out my thoughts.  The chorus makes perfect sense in this fight to bring home a baby and create a future family and home life with W.

"I've found a reason for me

To change who I used to be

A reason to start over new

And the reason is you"

As we've been getting closer to our 4th anniversary of trying, at times I can't help but feel if it's worth the fight, stress and heartache to keep working towards a baby. It's hard to keep the negative thoughts away some days. Time seems to crawl by and some days you can't quite figure out why we are working so hard for something that seems so unattainable. But the reason is that baby. Even if I constantly have to adjust my schedule and plans for the future. Even if I have to work hard to keep my head above water and pretend like I'm doing okay to those around me. I can still picture that tiny baby in my arms at the end of this. I can still picture W sitting with our sweet baby, in that comfy lazy boy in the nursery, rocking it back to sleep in the middle of the night. That dream will one day be a reality and I will truly be able to say "And the reason is you".

Then I read a post from my cousin, who has become a dear friend to me in our struggle with IF.  She was talking about dealing with her miscarriage(s) and finally figuring out one day what good came from it.  And finding the reasons to be happy again.  It seemed so perfect for the thoughts that have been swirling around in my head since I downloaded this song last month.  I commented to her post and wanted to share the same thoughts here:

"It is SO hard to find anything good in our hardships, while we're going through them. But it is so great to find even just one good thing to come from them. I have a hard time believing that everything happens "the way it's supposed to", but I can believe that things happen for a reason, but it's up to us to find the reasons. My reason isn't the same as your reason and the reason may seem entirely silly or minor to others, but it's our reason and it's our peace that we get from finding that reason."

W and I have been trying to make big decisions together about our future.  Job changes and selling our house to buy a new one, are our biggest topics lately.  And I can't help but think that even though this week should've been the week we brought our tiny infant home, we may be able to make new plans right now.  These plans could change our entire future, and if I'd had this little baby right now, I'd be transitioning into being a stay at home mom.  We'd be down to one income and W might not even be considering a job change.  We might not even be close to feeling comfortable and ready to move to a new home.  In the end, we could figure out that our biggest reason for our plans being turned upside down, was that we needed a new plan.  We needed a chance to better our future without the stress of a new baby.

FET here we come!

I saw my doctor yesterday and he double checked to make sure my cysts have stayed away and existing ones getting smaller.  They are, so our plan is still in place.  I will begin my BCP on Sunday, then begin my Lupron shots on June 1st.  I'll do those until my ultrasound on June 24th, when they'll be able to set an actual transfer date.  I am so happy to finally be moving forward and to find my hope again.

I haven't decided for sure, but am thinking I might keep this FET under wraps.  I told my older sister about my appointment, and am not going to keep her in the dark.  I am going to let her be my support during this and then she can help me find the BEST way to surprise my family.  I know we won't be able to keep it a secret until the 12 week mark, so I'm sure we'll tell them right away.  But for now, my plan is to act as though the cysts are still there and that we're hoping for a late July transfer...But really?  I will know by then if it took and can have fun surprising them.  Everyone going through this knows that it sucks with IF, that the element of surprise is completely taken from us.  But I'm taking control back!  I want this to be a fun time for us, and let these last few months melt away and be forgotten in our bliss.  (I know that people in my family know about this blog, so if you know my plan, just tell me you read this post, and you can be in on the surprise too!  ;) )

In other news, W and I are now another year older.  My bday was on Wednesday (14th) and W's is today.  One year older and no where closer to the same goals we had last year.  I am always a bit sad when a birthday comes and I feel like we have nothing to show for it.  But today, at lunch with W, he pointed out how lucky we are.  We found each other and make a good couple.  We love spending time together and make each other laugh daily.  We are content to just be together every day, and not have to be doing anything fancy.  We truly do have so much we want and need, and we aren't in a mountain of debt because of it.  We were able to do IVF, along with going on vacation each Jan, before and after IVF, and that's pretty cool.  We are working on plan for the future, even before a baby would be here.  We are working on a future for after a baby could arrive next Spring.  And we are working on it together.  We are so blessed.  So even though, I hate the idea of moving forward without every single thing I've set my mind to (like a baby), at least I am moving forward with W.  These hardships and heartache have only strengthened our relationship and I hope that means will help make us better parents because of it.

Quotes

I was just reading on an online forum this morning and came across this quote that made me tear up and had to share it.   Then figured I may as well add a few more of my favorites to this post too. (Yes, I tend to love those surrounding my absolute favorite of "Bring on the Rain" and red umbrellas.  :) )

"I don't know why we have been chosen to undertake such a painful journey, why we must go through such struggles to bring our children into this world. But I do know that when we look into our babies' faces, they will never have to wonder if they were really wanted. Ours are the children who, no matter how they came to us, will look at their parents and know from the deepest places in their heart, how much we cherish them, and how we labored to give them life. And in that there is no greater security and no greater gift." - Dr. Randine Lewis, The Infertility Cure

 

Infertile or not?

I've had some thoughts on my mind a lot lately, and they've come up more and more the last couple of days.  With infertility awareness week being here last week, I kept thinking of little ways I could maybe posts things to show my support.  But it all comes down to me not feeling I am ready to share that part of my heart with others.  I have this blog, and just barely made it public, but haven't even shared that fact with more than my sisters and 2 or 3 of my closest girlfriends.  As time has gone on TTC, we've shared with our immediate families and close friends, as a means for support and have been so grateful for it.  And then as even more time has passed, we have started to hear about extended family going through issues of their own, and have slowly told some of them of our struggles.  But it still feels too private to me to just talk about out in the open.  I am too scared of being offended by dumb people, who really don't know any better, and so I figure why give them the chance to hurt my feelings?  You can't expect people to know the "right" thing to say.  And haven't we all said something to someone unknowingly?  I can remember when I was 12 or 13.  I was so young and dumb.  I was babysitting for this young family and the mom had given birth maybe 3 or 4 months before, when I went to sit for them for the afternoon.  I can remember she was wearing a flowy top and I just asked her if she was having another baby?  Her husband jumped in and said 'Hey don't you say that about my beautiful wife!'  I felt SO bad and knew right then to NEVER ask a woman if she's pregnant.  But the same can go for any topic, can't it?  All those people that never thought about getting pregnant probably don't even know what IVF or IUI stands for.  They assume that it's "easy" and so their simple replies of "just relax and it will happen" shouldn't be offensive.  Now, when there are people who know (aka my dumb boss) what we've gone through and still says "You don't want kids, they ruin your life."  Or "You can have my kids, I didn't even want them." then I am offended.

Anyway, that wasn't even the point of my post.  I wanted to write down some thoughts I've had about infertility from my point of view.  We're going on close to 4 years of trying now.  In the first year, it was hard, and I couldn't understand why it wasn't happening so easily, but "infertile" never crossed my mind.  Then when we got pregnant right before getting tests done at my OB/GYN and thought, we really must've just been missing the ovulation window.  After we miscarried, we went on Femara and bought OPKs and did that routine for 6 months.  That's when it started to occur to me that maybe there really is something wrong with me.  We went to see the RE and I don't think I still quite put myself in the infertile category.  W and I both tested out fine and we "just needed a little help in this area" and IUI's would be our answer.  After #3 didn't work, I think that's when I realized "maybe we are infertile."  Now that we've been through more IUI's and an IVF cycle, along with my Hysteroscopy and months of cysts, I know that this isn't normal.  I am really 1 in 8.

One of the cousins in my family posted on her blog and then plastered it all over FB and Instagram for everyone to see.  She was "1 in 8" and wanted to make sure everyone knew about it.  She didn't want sympathy, because this wasn't a bad thing;  Her and her husband had been seriously blessed during their "almost 2 years of trying".  What?  No.  That's not the message to spread.  While I'm not saying I haven't found good amongst all the heartache, I don't exactly call this a blessing.  I want people to understand that there are different levels of infertility.  There's the pre-infertiles, the Jr. Infertiles and the Sr. Infertiles.  Those who tried for a year unsuccessfully, those who got pregnant by taking a simple fertility drug and then those who have had to fork out money for tests, invasive procedures and then monitoring and IUIs and/or IVF.  Maybe it's wrong of me to classify it that way, but that's just how I see it.  I never wanted to be a Senior, but isn't it right that the Seniors are just waiting for graduation to happen so they can move on with the fun part of their lives?  We are working extra hard to pass our tests (HPT) and are scared we'll be stuck in summer school for the rest of our lives just trying to graduate into parenthood.  Anyway, I'm sure none of this makes sense.  But I wrote this in an email to my sweet SIL today and I really think this is what's truly in my heart about the different stages of IF.

"I used to be so different about it all.  I knew that I had a hard time getting pregnant, but was I really infertile?  No way.  I was going to take a simple fertility drug that would maybe help release a couple more eggs and I'd be pregnant and we'd laugh at the time wasted.  But then as those things didn't work and we ended up seeing a specialist, I thought "Okay we just need a little help, with IUIs, but I'm still not sure I fit in the infertile club.  But after those didn't work and we were on our way to IVF, I knew that there was no turning back.  IVF is the real key to being in the club.  And I guess I still kind of see it that way now.  That doesn't take away the 2 years that we tried on our own and the heartache I felt, but I know what true infertility heartache feels like and it's different.  What I mean is that (name), to me, isn't a true infertile, and likely won't ever be.  Very likely she won't ever know this kind of heartache, not that I want her too.  But she won't know the pain of seeing your conjoined twins** heartbeats and have the gut wrenching suggestion of abortion and then having them still miscarry.  She won't know the pain of seeing your baby as an embryo and then 4 weeks later seeing that little ones heartbeat, only to have it all gone within a few short hours.  I think a true infertile doesn't focus on the pain of contractions, but the pain of that hole in your heart.  I am pretty sure this is my real problem with her.  Right now, she wants sympathy and for people to feel bad for her.  I want people to know what I've been through, but I really just want support and love from those closest to me.  And you know what?  I've got it.  I couldn't be more blessed in the family and friends I have."

Maybe infertility awareness week needs to be made more for the infertility community.  For us to find the right support and help among our own.  We need to find the right support groups, to help us wade through life.  We don't need to make the world see, because there's already enough negativity in our lives, why are we asking for outsider's opinions on it all?   Of course in a perfect world, everyone would see what IF really is, and would grasp it all and fully understand the hardships it brings.  But, we don't live in a perfect world and there are far too many closed minded people to try and get it through their heads. 

**My dear cousin (in law) dealt with this heartache a few months ago.  I can't even imagine what her heart went through.  But she is one of my biggest supports through our infertility and has become one of my best friends.  Love her for her words of encouragement, knowledge and humor.  She just gets it.

Getting Closer

I was realizing yesterday that we are about 3 weeks away from getting started on the process of our FET.  Even though we still have a ways to go until the actual transfer, I'll be happy knowing we are actually moving forward.  I have another U/S on the 15th of May to ensure the cysts have cleared up and no new ones have formed and then we will be on our way.

After continuing with training for my marathon, feeling constant pain in my ankle and generally not finding any joy in the added miles, I decided a marathon was too lofty a goal this year.  I hadn't been running a ton when I made the decision and really thought I could push myself hard to get ready.  But your body has a way of really bringing your mind to reality and letting you know you can't force these things.  So I opted to switch my bib to the half marathon instead and I am so glad I did.  I am excited for it again and am pushing myself on speed instead of distance.  I ran my 2nd half of the spring last weekend and improved on my time by about 8 minutes from the first one in March.  I have another half next weekend and then my final race before the planned FET is on the 17th.  I'm hoping by the 17th, I'll have a new personal record and feel some sort of accomplishment there.

I started running about 2 1/2 years ago, as we were coming to the close of our first year of trying.  I was sad and frustrated and needed a way to make myself feel better.  We had a vacation coming up and so I decided that I should do a little jogging to get in shape and ultimately found that it was the best thing for me with our infertility.  It gave me an outlet to be mad and push my body a bit further, or gave me time by myself to really think about things without interruptions.  I've shed a lot of sad and angry tears on some of my runs and felt so good afterwards.   Running really seemed to help for a while and even though I haven't always been consistent with running, on bad days I knew what could help turn my mood around.  Since the IVF miscarriage, things have changed.  I still feel a sense of accomplishment and find joy in running, it hasn't helped me clear my mind and feel better about things.  There is no simple "move on to these next steps" if IVF doesn't work in the end.  I haven't lost hope that IVF (or FET) can work for us, but the constant delays have definitely left me in a bad limbo state of mind.

I can honestly say I'm in a better place right now, than I was back in December through February.  I'm feeling more optimism and hope about things.  But, my sadness and anger hasn't gone away completely.  I've felt a bit more sad lately about others getting what I so desperately want.  I went last night to pick out a baby outfit for my cousin's wife.  I won't be able to attend the baby shower because of other plans, but didn't want to ignore the invite completely.  So I was looking for the perfect cute baby boy outfit and thought I was doing good.  But after a few minutes it took everything I could to not tear up and feel sorry for myself.  Seeing the darling cargo pants and baby hoodies, the tiny bow ties attached to darling plaid shirts, really started to get to me.  I want my own baby to dress up, and right now the soonest I could have it, would be a year from now.  It just makes my heart ache.  I am sad for myself that others get it before me, and I'm buying them the tiny baby clothes that I want.   Please just let it be my turn next.  I don't want to buy anymore baby clothes until they are for my baby.

Keeping my hope alive and my fingers crossed that everything will go according to plan and come March 2015 baby H will be arriving.  Please let it work.

Plan in Place

I went to see Dr. P yesterday and my cysts are finally starting to dissolve!   He told me to stay on the Norethindrone and come back and see him mid May to make sure everything looks good and we'll get started on the FET process.  Expected transfer date is June 30th or July 1st or 2nd, if all goes according to plan.

I asked him why he wouldn't just start me on the BCP sooner and then I can start Lupron as soon as my marathon is over and he said my body would be out of whack and I could start spotting and he didn't think I'd want to deal with that while training.  I said I certainly didn't, but just wanted to do the transfer the soonest time available.  But he said let's just leave the plan as is.  Sometimes I don't understand why Dr. P makes the decisions he does, but I just have to trust that he's dong what's best for me.

Originally, when I signed up for the marathon, I decided I need a break.  I needed a break from ultrasounds and disappointments.  I wanted to just put my energy into something I could control and not stress about the upcoming FET.  So even though I am a little disappointed that I am 3 months out from it, I am looking forward to being period free these next couple months and to just relax and do the things we have planned.

Training for the marathon has officially started and it's going well.  I ran a half marathon with my sister and 5 other girls this past weekend in Zions National Park and it was gorgeous.  I didn't make the best time, but had to keep in mind this was just a training run.  I don't need to push myself to be faster, I need to push myself on the distance.  I've gotten to run more with B and that has been so nice.  We really have been great support and therapy for each other and I think it's what we both needed.  We have uninterrupted time to talk about anything we need to and I love it!  I run 15 this weekend!

W and I have continued working on projects around the house.  Painting base boards and trim and have plans to update the paint in the rest of the rooms in the house.  We keep bouncing ideas off each other for the 2nd bathroom update, but haven't been in a rush to jump into tearing into it, just yet.  We've decided to move outside while the weather is warming up, but not getting hot.  We are getting the house prepped to paint it.  W has been getting the windows sealed and adding small trim where it's needed.  I've tried to help where I can, but sometimes am just there to grab him tools and supplies so he doesn't have to go up and down on the ladder.  I've been working on scraping loose paint off of the house and trim.  We also would like to redo the shingles on the roof, but haven't decided if that will be a project we work on now or in the fall.  We definitely have a long list of things to do to keep us busy, so I'm sure the time will fly by and the FET will be here in no time!

Sunshine and Springtime!

After being down in the dumps for several months, I made a decision to take matters into my own hands.  I decided that if my cysts were still hanging around, then I wasn't putting off my plans any longer.  Well those cysts clearly like me, because they are still there.  So let the plan making begin!

I signed up for 2 half marathons and my first FULL marathon, all in a 2 month time.  I've been doing a bit of running, but mostly just a few miles on the weekends with my sister and calling it good.  So I've got my work cut out for me and I am motivated!  Is it going to be hard?  Hell ya, it is.  But it will be so worth it!  I have felt so good this whole week, and I am feeling my attitude slowly change for the better.  I am so pumped to push myself and to reap the benefits of running, once again.  W has been so supportive of me and that makes it that much easier to keep pushing myself.  My sister is the best trainer a girl could ask for and is my number one motivator and fan in all things running.

W and I completed work on our guest bathroom and are putting together plans for the main bathroom.  We will continue painting everything in our path, and I can't wait to see the results.  We are fixing and replacing doors and painting all the trim.  We are getting all new hardware for the doors and what a difference it's already beginning to make!

Today I am leaving work early to go catch my dad's soccer team.  He's been coaching MHS Soccer for over 10 years now and it is so fun to be cheer from the sidelines!  The weather is warm and sunny today, so I knew I needed to take advantage of a slow day at work and get some rays and soccer time!  Plus, I get to see my niece and nephew at the game, and they make me giddy.

I emailed Dr. P the other day to let him know my plans to get a few races in and asked him for advice on what our next steps should be.  I was expecting him to tell me to just wait and come in at the end of May to continue, but he didn't.  He told me to make an appt for the end of March and if everything looks good, we'll make my plans and work around my races.  Just when I thought I couldn't love my RE anymore, he goes and responds in the perfect way.  He seems to understand that life goes on and that anything he can do to help get me back to my "normal" self, he'll do it. 

W and I have made our budget and some plans for the year and if all goes well and how we are hoping, 2014 could be a great year.  It's really hard to see past all that we've been through and let go of the sadness/anger when it feels never ending.  But we find so much happiness when we make plans and goals and work towards making them happen.  This is when we are at our best, and so I'm excited for that.   I really need to try and put more focus on my life outside of IF, because for the last 6 months, I haven't been able to.  And it's time for a change.

Bitter

They say life isn't fair; I now fully believe that saying.  After the MC, I bucked right back up after a week or so of being sad.  I told myself I didn't want to become bitter and angry with the way this process has gone for us.  I wanted to keep hope and positivity throughout all of this.  But as time has gone on, and the disappointments of been mounting   , I can't seem to get rid of this resentment I have for my current situation.  This waiting game is really hard for me.  I am a planner and I've done my best dealing with the surprises and heartache as they come; but this has been too much for me.  I haven't been able to plan anything farther than a month out, because I just don't know what the next month will bring.

I went to the doctor yesterday and even though I went expecting bad news, I was fighting back tears when the doctor said the cysts are still there.  Today's appt. wasn't great beyond the bad news either.  I didn't care much for the nurse or doctor.  I've seen Dr. M before; He's done 3 U/S's on me before yesterday (including the morning of my MC) and still didn't have any sort of recognition when he introduced himself to me and W.  W also remembered him and he doesn't go to the clinic nearly as much as I do.  And neither of them took the time to figure out why I was there; I had to correct both of them.  The nurse spent a full minute going over the purpose of my visit and what to expect, as if it was my first time there.  I corrected her and told her why I was there.  The Dr. M comes in and introduces himself to us and I'm thinking "Hi, you've looked at my vag before, but pleased to meet you."  He starts explained what he's going to be doing with the U/S wand (Whoa, that's what that is?  I didn't know!)  and asking me what hormones I'm currently taking and when we are expecting to do the FET.  So then I have to tell him we are just checking to see if my cysts have dissolved, so we can make a plan.  This same doc has brought up my "endometriosis" before and brought it up again today.  I just told him I don't have endo and we're just dealing with cysts.  So then I"m annoyed that I can't seem to get any answers as no one cares to try and look at my chart and help.  So I get to pay for yet another U/S for basically nothing.  Anyway, I got a call from my nurse a little bit later, after she talked to Dr. P.  They are having me take Norethindrone for a month and hope this will help get those cysts to dissolve.  I am supposed to make another U/S appt in a month and go from there.  It won't necessarily fix it in just a month, but I am going to stay hopeful that it will.

I am definitely feeling defeated with life, lately.  I honestly don't know how to snap out of my moods.  I could cry everyday and am close to winning the most cranky woman of the year award.  The only people I can currently stand is W, my sisters and a few of my friends.  And I know it's all me...There can't be a wave of stupidity washing over every other person around me.  I just have zero patience to deal with anything lately.  I am ornery at people's dumb stories and think "at least you don't have to deal with this" to myself constantly.  So really?  I have turned into that bitter woman I really didn't want to be.  I'm not sure what the answer is to get over it.  Each day I think, I'll just have a good cry and stuff my face with whatever sounds yummy and tomorrow I'll feel better.  But I don't.

I haven't been running much lately, either.  My motivation just isn't there.  The days I do get out and run, I love it!  But that great feeling I have afterwards, doesn't last long.  I'm jealous of anyone I see outside running, so shouldn't that push me to do it?  No, if it doesn't happen exactly the way I want it to, when I want it to, I just give up on it that day.  I would rather veg on the couch with W all night than spend 20 minutes on the treadmill.  So I've decided I need to sign up for a half marathon and that should help motivate me to start doing better.  The weather is warming up and there's nothing better than running on these first days of spring.  You see flowers starting to bloom and the weather is perfect for it.

Also in the meantime, I've decided to try and get more involved in the IF blogging community.  I need to put myself out there and stop hiding my story.  I've been too nervous to make my blog public, for fear someone I know will find it.  I'm learning as I go through this journey how little people actually know about this medical condition; and how ignorant they can be.  People seem to think that we are less than human because of this and that we don't deserve to get any extra help.  The local news stations has started putting out a ton of articles about infertility.  For a while it made me so happy to see them; until I started reading the comments people were leaving.  So many think we are selfish for "wasting money" on treatments when we could "just adopt" or "be foster parents".  How unfair that on top of the heartbreak and failure I feel with myself, I get to hear it from other people how selfish I am for wanting to "give birth to my own child, when there are so many children who need a good home."  As if that's my answer from God, that if it doesn't work naturally, then I'm not supposed to have my own children.  That my desire to be pregnant and give birth to my own baby isn't right.  That if I really wanted to be a parent, I would just adopt and not feel the need to give birth.  (These are actual comments from someone in reply to my comment, agreeing that insurance should have even a little bit of coverage for IF as an Opt In, like Vision or Dental.)  I shouldn't let some loser's comments affect me, but it cut pretty deep.  I don't expect anyone to help me pay for my treatments, but I feel like I deserve a little bit of sympathy and support for going through this.  This isn't just some small trivial thing, like losing a house you really like that you big on or not getting a job you interviewed for.  This is my life.  I have a problem conceiving a child; W and I both test fine, so I get to do it blindly, without knowing what the hell is wrong with us.  And a little bit more of my heart breaks each month that passes me by.  We've been at this for 40 months now.  Over 3 years of my life hoping, praying, sacrificing and nothing but bills and receipts to show for it.  So maybe instead of trying to find support through lame news stories; I need to really get involved with those who are going through the same things.  I may not know them in real life, but we can relate and talk and it might help my heart heal.