Bitter

They say life isn't fair; I now fully believe that saying.  After the MC, I bucked right back up after a week or so of being sad.  I told myself I didn't want to become bitter and angry with the way this process has gone for us.  I wanted to keep hope and positivity throughout all of this.  But as time has gone on, and the disappointments of been mounting   , I can't seem to get rid of this resentment I have for my current situation.  This waiting game is really hard for me.  I am a planner and I've done my best dealing with the surprises and heartache as they come; but this has been too much for me.  I haven't been able to plan anything farther than a month out, because I just don't know what the next month will bring.

I went to the doctor yesterday and even though I went expecting bad news, I was fighting back tears when the doctor said the cysts are still there.  Today's appt. wasn't great beyond the bad news either.  I didn't care much for the nurse or doctor.  I've seen Dr. M before; He's done 3 U/S's on me before yesterday (including the morning of my MC) and still didn't have any sort of recognition when he introduced himself to me and W.  W also remembered him and he doesn't go to the clinic nearly as much as I do.  And neither of them took the time to figure out why I was there; I had to correct both of them.  The nurse spent a full minute going over the purpose of my visit and what to expect, as if it was my first time there.  I corrected her and told her why I was there.  The Dr. M comes in and introduces himself to us and I'm thinking "Hi, you've looked at my vag before, but pleased to meet you."  He starts explained what he's going to be doing with the U/S wand (Whoa, that's what that is?  I didn't know!)  and asking me what hormones I'm currently taking and when we are expecting to do the FET.  So then I have to tell him we are just checking to see if my cysts have dissolved, so we can make a plan.  This same doc has brought up my "endometriosis" before and brought it up again today.  I just told him I don't have endo and we're just dealing with cysts.  So then I"m annoyed that I can't seem to get any answers as no one cares to try and look at my chart and help.  So I get to pay for yet another U/S for basically nothing.  Anyway, I got a call from my nurse a little bit later, after she talked to Dr. P.  They are having me take Norethindrone for a month and hope this will help get those cysts to dissolve.  I am supposed to make another U/S appt in a month and go from there.  It won't necessarily fix it in just a month, but I am going to stay hopeful that it will.

I am definitely feeling defeated with life, lately.  I honestly don't know how to snap out of my moods.  I could cry everyday and am close to winning the most cranky woman of the year award.  The only people I can currently stand is W, my sisters and a few of my friends.  And I know it's all me...There can't be a wave of stupidity washing over every other person around me.  I just have zero patience to deal with anything lately.  I am ornery at people's dumb stories and think "at least you don't have to deal with this" to myself constantly.  So really?  I have turned into that bitter woman I really didn't want to be.  I'm not sure what the answer is to get over it.  Each day I think, I'll just have a good cry and stuff my face with whatever sounds yummy and tomorrow I'll feel better.  But I don't.

I haven't been running much lately, either.  My motivation just isn't there.  The days I do get out and run, I love it!  But that great feeling I have afterwards, doesn't last long.  I'm jealous of anyone I see outside running, so shouldn't that push me to do it?  No, if it doesn't happen exactly the way I want it to, when I want it to, I just give up on it that day.  I would rather veg on the couch with W all night than spend 20 minutes on the treadmill.  So I've decided I need to sign up for a half marathon and that should help motivate me to start doing better.  The weather is warming up and there's nothing better than running on these first days of spring.  You see flowers starting to bloom and the weather is perfect for it.

Also in the meantime, I've decided to try and get more involved in the IF blogging community.  I need to put myself out there and stop hiding my story.  I've been too nervous to make my blog public, for fear someone I know will find it.  I'm learning as I go through this journey how little people actually know about this medical condition; and how ignorant they can be.  People seem to think that we are less than human because of this and that we don't deserve to get any extra help.  The local news stations has started putting out a ton of articles about infertility.  For a while it made me so happy to see them; until I started reading the comments people were leaving.  So many think we are selfish for "wasting money" on treatments when we could "just adopt" or "be foster parents".  How unfair that on top of the heartbreak and failure I feel with myself, I get to hear it from other people how selfish I am for wanting to "give birth to my own child, when there are so many children who need a good home."  As if that's my answer from God, that if it doesn't work naturally, then I'm not supposed to have my own children.  That my desire to be pregnant and give birth to my own baby isn't right.  That if I really wanted to be a parent, I would just adopt and not feel the need to give birth.  (These are actual comments from someone in reply to my comment, agreeing that insurance should have even a little bit of coverage for IF as an Opt In, like Vision or Dental.)  I shouldn't let some loser's comments affect me, but it cut pretty deep.  I don't expect anyone to help me pay for my treatments, but I feel like I deserve a little bit of sympathy and support for going through this.  This isn't just some small trivial thing, like losing a house you really like that you big on or not getting a job you interviewed for.  This is my life.  I have a problem conceiving a child; W and I both test fine, so I get to do it blindly, without knowing what the hell is wrong with us.  And a little bit more of my heart breaks each month that passes me by.  We've been at this for 40 months now.  Over 3 years of my life hoping, praying, sacrificing and nothing but bills and receipts to show for it.  So maybe instead of trying to find support through lame news stories; I need to really get involved with those who are going through the same things.  I may not know them in real life, but we can relate and talk and it might help my heart heal.

Never ending game

Infertility throws some pretty big curve balls.  In fact, I think that’s all it ever does.  Nothing is ever predicted or easy.  We don’t get to walk the bases and make it home….We are constantly swinging, striking out and trying to get our home run.   The game is never ending, with so many innings, I’ve lost count.  Times like right now, I feel like just being a spectator up in the stands eating popcorn and peanuts without a worry or care.  Send someone else in for me, I’m tired and don’t feel like I can play much longer.

The past 2 months have been up and down.  I found hope and positivity pretty quickly after the miscarriage.  Of course I was still sad, but I hadn’t given up.  W and I set up an appt to see Dr. P on Dec. 3^rd and went in ready to make a plan.  Dr. P said he wanted me to have a Hysteroscopy to make sure there wasn’t any blockage in my uterus.  Flash back to last Dec./Jan. when Dr. P thought I might have a blockage and sent me in for an MRI.  The MRI came back negative and I was told I just had a heart shaped uterus.  So we moved forward with our IUI’s and IVF without giving it another thought.  But Dr. P said he thought it was important to do the procedure now to help my chances of not miscarrying again with the FET.  We did that on Dec. 4^th and Dr. P did remove a small 4 mm scar tissue and was very pleased in the end.  We got our plan set and were ready to move forward with each step when I was to start my period around Christmas.  But my period never came.  I knew my chances of being pregnant were slim to none with the timing of everything we had going on making it nearly impossible.  But I still tested a couple of times to make sure a miracle hadn’t occurred.

Almost 2 weeks passed and I asked the nurse about how this would change our plans.  She told me I needed to start by Jan 3^rd in order to keep our current plan in place.  When it never showed up that day, I called to find out what to do.  I set up an appt with Dr. P to see if I could get an answer.  They did an ultrasound on the 6^th and found a cyst on my right ovary.  No answer on why my period hasn’t started, but was told to start my birth control pills and come back to see them in 3 weeks, when my period starts.  They need to see if the cyst will dissolve itself, or if they’ll need to remove it.  So no plan is in place right now.  Dr. P said to go enjoy our vacation and not worry about all this stuff right now.  I’m going to do my best to take the break that I’m sure my mind really needs.

I’ve been really down these last couple weeks.  I have tried to perk up and not stress about things, but I’m failing miserably.  I can’t stop thinking about the milestones we would’ve gotten to by now.  I’d have a small baby bump, we’d know the sex of the baby and be picking out a name and planning my baby shower.  I’d be counting down the time to meet our little one and looking forward to finally becoming a mom.  But instead I’m stuck in limbo.  I’m starting to feel like I need to keep more to myself.  If I thought I sounded like a broken record before, I didn’t realize just how worn down that record would become.  No one has any sort of answer, and no one knows what to say.  Even the nurse I talked to about feeling depressed told me to “think positively” and I’d start feeling better.  I know that all our family and friends that know are still rooting for us; but I feel so alone right now.  Lives continue on and things keep happening for most people around us, but we stay in this endless battle.  I feel defeated and lost.  And the bills just keep coming.  Just when we feel like we could finally be caught up on it all, something else shows up in our mailbox.  I never thought I’d feel like the money spent on everything was wasted, but I do.  Nothing we did has worked so far, so all that money spent was for naught.  And we just get to do it all over again.  We’ve started a new year and insurance starts over.  It happens and I can’t change that, but I’d feel better knowing that all the money I was spending this year was working towards a take home baby.  Or that all the money we spent in 2013 proved to be worth it, with me being able to feel him/her move around in my stomach.

I guess I just need more time to heal my broken heart.  I need to find a way to pick up and carry on.  I need to find happiness outside of infertility and make plans beyond planning for a family.  My new years resolution is the same it was for the past 3 years, to finally have a baby…Maybe 2014 will be better than I think it will be right now.

How quickly things can change

The last week has been a hard one for me.  Last Tuesday I started spotting lightly.  I called my nurse and asked her about it.  She told me that it was perfectly fine, as long as it was light, and to keep watching it.  If I wanted to I could come in for an U/S to make sure everything was fine.  The spotting didn't get too bad, but I did start cramping a little that afternoon/evening.

I went to bed that night, and woke up around 1:30 with really bad cramps.  Bad enough that I couldn't get comfortable, and tossed and turned for a while.  I decided to move out to the couch at 3:00 am, and figured I'd call later that morning to get an appt for an U/S.  But then I felt a gush of blood, along with clots.  I started crying and called W, who was out of town.  I told him I was sure I was miscarrying and just cried.  He was pretty upset and sad.  He said he'd see if he could possibly leave a day early to come home.  We hung up and tried to get more sleep, but neither of us were really able to.  He called again at 6:00, and said they were packing up to come home.  I waited until 8 and called to set up my appt.  The nurse told me not to worry just yet, because it didn't mean I was miscarrying.

I went in at 10:00 that Wednesday morning.  The dr was quick to get things moving, and found the heart still beating on our little one.  He pointed out that I had a subchorionic hemorrhage, which can cause spotting and cramping, but wasn't anything to worry about.  I left there very relieved and cried in the car.  I took the day off from work to take it easy.  W was driving home still and I hung out with my mom and sister for the day.  Once W got home I headed home to hang out with him.

I had been cramping throughout the afternoon and my tylenol wasn't helping at this point.  W and I sat on the couch talking about it all and saying how grateful we were that things were okay.  I had a couple more small gushes of blood and told W I don't know how I'm going to stay sane if this bleeding keeps up like this.  The cramps were bad enough that I decided to get in the tub, and had W put the shower head right on my pelvis.  It did help to ease the pain for a while.  But at 6:00 I had a very large clot, including fleshy stuff, come out.  W and I both freaked out at seeing such a large clot and decided we'd better save it in a plastic bag.  I passed another big clot and then the bleeding wouldn't stop.  At about 6:30, we realized this was bad.  I tried to put on 2 different pairs of underwear, before soaking through them in less than a minute.  W called the on call doctor who told us to go to the ER.

W got towels set up in his car and I was able to hurry and get dressed and grab a few things to head to the hospital.  Lots of bleeding and clots kept passing on our way to the hospital.  W had them bring out a wheel chair for me so I wouldn't have to walk in with blood on me.  I'm so glad I was in a wheel chair, because I got sick really quickly after waiting in the waiting room.  I started throwing up and then feeling really sick and passed out.  They were able to get me back to a room pretty quickly and hooked up to an IV.  I soaked through 6 layers of towels, along with my clothes and the pads/wash clothes I had on.  The bleeding continued as the doctor did an exam, which was not a fun experience.  They had given me medicine for the nausea, but I didn't have anything for the pain.  The exam hurt a lot, and the doctor wasn't as gentle as he could've been.  I got some morphine and felt comfortable for a little bit.  We went back for an U/S and the tech said there was no longer a heartbeat.  It was so crazy to me that 8 or 9 hours later things had changed so much.

As we waited for all the test results to come back, I started feeling sick again.  My IV was empty and I had already pushed the button to have the nurse come back in to give me more medicine.  W gave me a bag and I sat up to throw up.  It all came on so suddenly that W decided to hurry and grab a wash cloth to help cool me down.  As he moved from the bed, I passed out and hit my ear on the side rail of my bed.  By the time I came to, he already had me in his arms apologizing for walking away for a second.  The RN didn't seem too concerned by it, just hooked up the IV bag and left again.  W just kept saying he felt so bad, but he was doing more than enough to try and help.

The ER doctor came back in to let us know that the sac had already passed, and so my bleeding should've stopped by now.  They called in their OB/GYN, Dr. N to do a D&C on me.  Dr. N was so nice and I felt comfortable with him right away.  He was so sorry for us and explained what he was going to do.  Once his team was there, they wheeled me back for the surgery.  The nurse was so sweet and kind.  She reminded me a lot of my mom, which I was so grateful for at that time.  They had to put a tube down my throat, since I'd eaten a banana on the way to the hospital.  I was already knocked out at the time, but they had to wake me up to help them get it out.  My throat was sore and my mouth was so dry.  The post surgery nurse was also wonderful.  She made me comfortable and was also so sweet about such a rough thing.

We don't have an answer as to what could've been the cause.  We are told this is such a rare occurrence.  That the hemorrhage is perfectly normal and really shouldn't have been the cause.  Dr. N pointed out that we really only had a 5% chance of miscarrying when we did.  While I could choose to focus on the negative of it, I have to hope that means it won't happen again in the future.  I emailed Dr. P about it and he said that an important thing to remember is that when we miscarry it is our bodies way of rejecting a potentially bad set of chromosomes.  He also said that we have great percentages of success in the future with our frozen embryos.

I can't end the post without also sharing how great W was to me.  I am so grateful that he was home to be with me, and feel like maybe there was a reason I didn't miscarry any sooner.  He didn't get grossed out with all the blood that I lost.  He was there to comfort me the whole time and really helped me feel comfortable.  He answered text messages from my mom and sisters, and kept them updated the whole night.  He cried with me and held my hand.  He kept kissing my forehead and cheek and making sure I was okay.  I am so lucky to have him with me through this.  If there is one good thing I can find to come out of it, is feeling more and more close to him through it all.  We are in this together, and of course it's hard, but I really can get through anything with him at my side.  I love him so much and feel that same love from him.

8 weeks 5 Days and Sick

I just wanted to document the steps that are coming along with this pregnancy.  I had been feeling a little bit nauseous in week 7 into 8, but nothing like what I feel like lately.  Starting right about the beginning of week 8, the sickness has definitely gotten worse.  I feel car sick all the time, and it becomes worse in the afternoon into the night.  I haven't thrown up yet, so I am grateful for that.  W has been out of town since Wednesday (which was 8 weeks for me) and so I've felt a bit miserable in dealing with it alone.  I've felt more tired than usual, and some days are worse than others.  I've gained one pound so far, and feel bloated and a bit uncomfortable in regular jeans.

But on the bright side, it reminds me of being pregnant and makes me grateful that everything seems to be normal thus far.  I'll take being sick, as hard as it is to deal with.

I got to tell my last brother we are pregnant on Friday night, which was fun.  I love having reactions from people who are surprised by it all.  Going through IVF is definitely a different experience to go through.  It takes away the element of surprise, but I wouldn't have changed it.  I am grateful that I chose to share with those closest to me, as the support I got was so helpful in the process.  But I do feel a little bit ripped off in the joys that surprising everyone brings.  I still keep trying to think of ways to still add the element of surprise in, with maybe a gender reveal party or something of the like.

8 weeks and the heart beat

I couldn't let this week end without writing my thoughts on this week.  What a wonderful week it was!  I'd been counting down the days to Tuesday and feeling a mixture of excitement and nervousness.  Nervous that this embryo hadn't actually taken ahold correctly, that we could have a ectopic or chemical pregnancy.  But excited to finally see if we had a healthy baby growing or maybe identical twins.  Excited to see our little peanut and hear the heart beat.

Tuesday came and it was perfect.  W and I met at the office and they called us right back.  Checked my stats and had me change.  Dr. P must've been just as anxious as us, because he was ready to come in before I had a chance to sit down and cover up.  We started the ultrasound and immediately saw our little ONE up on the screen.  It is already moving around and was so cool to see.  Dr. P pointed out the heart beat for us to see.  They did all the measurements, and everything looks great!  It's measuring right on schedule.  Then he moved on to what he called the fun part, hearing the heart beat.  And it was incredible!  I've never heard something so amazing in my life!  I immediately started crying and grabbed W's hand.  I am just in awe of it all.  I can't believe I'm carrying a tiny little baby around.

A couple other cool things from the appt with Dr. P.  He asked who our regular OB/GYN is going to be.  I told him Dr. D and he said, "Oh A?  She's great, you'll love her.  Her dad was also an OB/GYN.  Please tell her hello for me when you see her."  He gave both me and W a hug after the ultrasound and told us he wants us to bring the baby back in to see after it's born.  We gave him a pair of BYU socks and wrote a thank you card.  I am genuinely sad to leave the UCRM, as they've been so incredible to us.  I feel so much gratitude to them for helping us get to this point.  We are getting to experience the dream of getting pregnant and planning for our family and it's such an incredible feeling.  I've felt so emotional all week...I'm sure it's the hormones, but I feel so thankful for how things are going in our life right now.  I can't wait for each milestone to pass and to meet this little one.  We already love it so much.

I decided to tell the rest of my siblings this week, as well.  We told J&M on Saturday and got a sweet reaction from M, who jumped up out of her chair to hug me.  I told my oldest brother on Wednesday and got the "Oh that's good!  I almost bought you a BYU onsie the other day, but wasn't sure if you were all done with the IVF or not."  I told my youngest brother that night and I think his reaction is my favorite so far.  He looked so surprised and said are you serious?  And gave me the best hug!  I asked if he wanted to see the ultrasound pictures and he was so excited to see them.  I just have one last brother to tell this weekend, and I'm excited to see his reaction too.  J is an awesome uncle and our niece and nephew adore him.

So now we just have 4 more weeks in the first trimester.  And 3 weeks till we meet Dr. D and get to see our little peanut again. 

The Results

Beta #1 was done on Saturday morning.  W and I woke up bright and early and went to get my blood drawn.  We hung out at home, hoping the time would go by faster.  We watched a movie and then decided to get started on some yard work, instead of sitting around.  That's when the call came.  It was good news!  My beta number was 371, which is fantastic!  The nurse gave me instructions to continue on with the progesterone injections and Estrace pills.  She told me I needed to come in for another blood draw on Monday morning, to make sure the number is rising.  And to schedule a viability U/S with Dr. P in a couple of weeks.  She congratulated us and hung up.  I jumped into W's arms and cried with him for a second.  We both couldn't wipe the grin off our face for a couple hours.

I hung out with my sisters that night.  They both knew we'd had the test that morning, and so I tried to go into the night with my best poker face, so I could still try to surprise them.  I said: Okay, I'll tell you what the nurse said, then we can continue on with the night.  She gave me the number and said she'd like me to come in again on Monday to see if the number gets any better.....Because we're pregnant!  Both sisters were teary eyed and said they thought I was going to give bad news!  I love when I am a good actress!  They asked why I wasn't crying, and I told them I think I'm just too shocked my it all right now.

We told my parents the next night, after everyone had left their house.  I just simply said: Do you guys want to be grandparents in May or June?  And got teary hugs from them, and my dad also saying why aren't you crying, and I am?  Ha Ha.  But truth is, I was feeling anxious about Monday's numbers.  It seems too good to be true, what if the numbers don't rise?  But I still wanted to share the news with them, knowing that my mom was waiting for the results too.  Dad went out and picked some apples for me to eat, and said that I need to make sure I'm better at eating fruits and vegetables now that I've got his grand baby growing in there.  Ha Ha.  Makes me happy thinking of their reactions again.

Monday I got another blood draw.  I asked the girl taking my blood what they'd like to see, she said they want the numbers to double.  She said my 371 number is really good, and I should be happy with those results.  I felt anxious waiting for the results, and tried to stay busy at work.  I got the call just before lunch and the number was fantastic!  It more than doubled up to 768!  So we really are good and pregnant and I'm thrilled.

I got my girlfriends together on Monday night to share the good news.  I downloaded an app on my phone and am starting to feel more giddy about it all.  Today, I am 5 weeks pregnant.  Yes, it's still early, but I feel so good and at peace with it all.  I am going to continue to take it easy, not start running again, just yet.  I won't be drinking caffeine or doing anything I think could create a bad environment for this little baby.  I want to do everything I can, to ensure I create the best home for this little "Afro Baby", as we've started calling it.

Transfer Done

We went in for my transfer on Monday morning (9/16/13) and got a picture of our 2 strongest embryos.  It is pretty cool to see.  The doctor told us we still had 12 embryos, but there was 2 that had already slowed down in splitting, so to expect them to not survive.  He asked us how many embies we wanted to implant.  Told us with one, which he recommends, he'd give it a 55-60% chance of working, and still have a 3-11% chance of the embryo splitting to give us identical twins.  If we were to put in 2, he said the odds of twins was 40%, but along with that comes the big risks of having twins.  Premature birth, breath troubles, ADD, autism, learning disabilities.  We had already planned on just putting in 1, so that's what we did.  He chose the strongest one, with the "afro", as we called it.  There was a dark sort of thing on the outside, that resembled hair, which they explained was a really good thing.  It was a cell that helps to keep bacteria and bad cells away from the embryo. (Side note: we had 6 embryos by this point.  So 5 are now frozen.)

After they were done, they gave us a picture of the embryo in my uterus.  I started to ask him if they knew what side the embryo was at, meaning would I know which side it implants on?  Before I could finish, he said "It's a boy, congratulations."  Which cracked me and Will up.  I love that we can joke around with Dr. P and feel so much confidence in him.  As he was leaving, I said I wish I could give you a hug right now.  He said You can give me a hug when I see you at your first pregnancy ultrasound.  He gives us so much hope that this will work.

I spent Monday and Tuesday on strict bed rest.  I had lunch brought to me by my sisters.  Lazed around and caught up on shows.  Wednesday, I took it easy but wasn't confined to bed.  My friends came over to do crafts and brought me lunch.  It was so nice all the texts and phone calls from my friends and family.  It's so nice to have so many people rooting for us and wanting this to work, just as much as we do.  I can't wait for the test and for it to finally be positive and stick!  It's going to be an exciting time in our lives.  I'm choosing to be positive and happy that it will work.  I would be crushed regardless, so why carry doubt around now?  This is going to work!  We'll have us a baby by June!

Our baby embies!

I got the call from the Embryologist this morning.  He said we have 12 embryos growing right now!  We had 17 eggs, and only have lost 5 so far!   I couldn't be happier!  He'll call us on Sunday to give me an update on our embies and set a time for the transfer on Monday!  It almost feels too good to be true, but I'm going to choose to revel in this happiness!  Things are working out so well, I'm so pleased!