Happy!

I feel incredibly happy today!  W and I went to see our fertility doctor for the first time this morning, and it went so well.  We both took a liking to the office, the nurse who got us started and Dr. P.  He was amazing, kind and personable.  He got right to the point, asking us questions and had answers without having to think about things.  He was so confident, which in turn makes us confident.  He said that he likes to treat his patients as if they were his daughters.  That he would never recommend anything to me, if he didn't think it would help me.  I love that he immediately made me feel at ease, and less of a doctor/patient feeling.  He made sure we understood all the things he was talking about, and went through each option thoroughly.  He gave us time to ask questions and answered them easily.

He is putting W on some vitamins to help his sperm be healthy and told him to cut back on coffee, as well as gave him a prescription to quit smoking for good.  No more of this back and forth stuff.  W seems ready to make the change and I think having Dr. P be so confident in him really helps.  Sure, he still has a long road ahead of him, but because he's already been trying to quit, I think that will also help me.  Dr, P has me scheduled to go back next month, right before our vacation, to check out my tubes and make sure there are no cysts or polyps, and that my tubes are open and things are able to get through them.  He is putting me on Femara and will give me a trigger shot, to help us time our trying while on vacation.  He had my blood drawn today, (which only took 3 different pricks and 2 nurses to do.  Ha Ha) to test the AMH levels, to see how old my eggs are.  He wants to jump right in, in Feb with an IUI.  He wants to keep me on Femara and do the trigger shots with the IUI, as well. 

He told us he only wants to see me 2 times.  Once this morning, and then again to check out my tubes.  He'll have his nurse(s) do the IUI for us.  He said he will see us again, when we bring our baby in to see him.  W and I left the appt feeling so happy and excited about our next step(s).  He has put the excitement back into this process for us, and I'm so grateful for that.  Sure, it's not spontaneous and romantic, but it gives W and I less to stress over and more time to continue building up our relationship.  We are able to focus on the things we can control and let Dr. P take more control of this part of the process.  We are putting our trust in him, and feeling really good about that. 

Another couple of things that I liked about the appointment, too.  He wrote on my chart that he saw me for "painful periods", so our insurance won't refuse to pay.  That is so cool.  He knows we'll pay enough out of pocket to have a baby, why do we have to start now?  He included the blood tests into today's appt, so that won't be anymore out of our pockets either.  As he was listening to my heart, he asked if I was a runner, when I replied yes, he said "Yep, you have a runner's heart."  Although, that had nothing to do with anything else today, it made me feel good knowing that my running is helping me.  It's also nice to have a doctor able to tell such a thing.  He told me I need to "fatten" up a little bit, since my BMI is low.  He didn't push me too much on that, just said I'd need some fat on my stomach to do the trigger shots, ha ha.

I'm feeling really grateful this week, and especially today.  W was out of town for 7 weeks, and I've gotten to spend time with him in the last few days and it makes me happy.  He makes me laugh and is silly with me and I love that about him.  He has a way of making me want to be better.  With this appt out of the way, I feel like I can really enjoy the holidays and look forward to our vacation next month, and not stress about what the future holds for having a baby.  We are blessed to get to go away on vacation and to have the vacation already paid for.  We've worked hard for what we have and where we're at, and it's finally paying off.  I can't wait for 2013 and for our journey to continue.  2012 will fade away and be a memory, one day.  All the heartache of 2011 and 2012 won't matter, as our puzzle pieces fall into place.  I hope and pray that our journey goes the way I'm hoping.

Today...

I've felt heavy in my heart today.  I learned last night that W is coming home, after being gone for 7 weeks, and am really happy and excited for it!   But a part of me is feeling a bit nervous about our Dr. appt next week.  I'm feeling scared and sad about the coming months and can't get rid of the "what if's" that linger in the back of my mind.  I've been reading this blog for a few weeks now, and have gone all the way back to the beginning, so I could read her whole story.  I am so grateful that I've found this blog.  This girl speaks so many things that I've thought of before, and really helps me figure out what all my feelings/emotions are, when I can't quite make sense of them.  The post I was reading today is from Dec 15, 2010.  We were one month into trying, and I thought we'd be pregnant by Christmas and sharing the happy news soon thereafter.  But, that was not the case, obviously.   I was realizing that her post was written almost exactly 2 years ago, and how different I feel about the whole TTC.  It's definitely been a road I never thought I'd travel.  It's also one that has made me a more bitter and negative person.  I question the way things work out, all the time.  I can't understand why it happens so easily for some and is so heart wrenching for others.  Egghunt puts it perfectly in this blog post and lets me see that my feelings aren't that far from the "normal" infertile person.  I'm not alone in the stages of grieving that I go through each month.  I'm not alone in the heartache/anger/confusion/sick-to-my-stomach feelings I get when I hear another pregnancy announcement.  It's so nice to have my feelings validated in a way, by only reading someone else's blog. 

 

Christmas hasn't felt very merry this year.  I told myself we were going to take a break (as if I actually had any say, with W being out of town) and that I'd "enjoy" the holidays and not feel any pressure.  But it just doesn't work that way.  You don't get to just say you're taking a break, and then stop thinking about it.  Egghunt talks about being a Grinch, and how she said she'd never be one of those people.   It's one of those things that you think you can control, you can forget about the months into years of heartache and just enjoy this festive time of year.  It isn't as easy as it looks. 

 

Anyway, I wanted to have this post saved, and share it with others.  I want to remember that through all of this, I am not alone.

 

http://egghunt.wordpress.com/2010/12/

Money doesn't buy true happiness...

This morning I feel angry, sad, alone, hurt, empty, lost, lifeless.  I'm supposed to have dinner with some girlfriends tonight, but I don't want to.  I don't feel like anything can bring me out of this slump, which is all the more reason I know I need to just go.  It will do me some good.  But it won't be lasting.  The moment we leave and I head back home, alone, to my quiet and lonely house.  I'm lucky to have the pups, that even when I feel all these things, still manage to make me laugh and smile.  Just before I left for work, I got a text message from W.  I told him I was still feeling sad this morning.  He replied that we both got paid and doesn't that make me happy?  But it doesn't.

W has been out of town for the last 5 weeks.  Today marks a full 5 weeks since he left for work 16 hours away, in Idaho.  I've done my best to keep busy.  Repainted the living room, spent evenings and weekends finding the perfect home decor to brighten up the space.  But I feel guilty for spending money, since we've been doing so good, so filling my time with shopping, otherwise, is not an option.  I've got a few Christmas gifts crossed off the list, but haven't found the joy in shopping for others.  My Christmas decorations are still sitting in the bins I pulled out a week ago.  I have zero desire to put it all up.  There's not the same excitement and joy in this time of year.  W is always busy in the fall through the beginning of Winter, so why should it be any different this year?  It just is. 

We used our last final month of "trying on our own" to time everything perfectly, without going overboard and stressing ourselves out.  I used the Femara.  I timed my ovulation and then used the Progesterone cream every night for 2 weeks.  W went out of town, and I got to feel the disappointment of failure all alone on a Thursday night.  The only thing that held me together was being so busy painting, and making the decision to not waste another day before setting up an appointment with the fertility specialist.  W has to be there at the first appointment, so when I set it up for 3 weeks out, I didn't think I'd ever have to reschedule it.  But that news came around last night, that he wouldn't be able to come home in time for it.  I feel ripped off and angry.  I feel disappointed and hurt.  The only person I can direct my anger to is W.  And then I feel bad, because it's not his fault.  He's good at making me come second to work, which is entirely unfair.  But at the same time, what is he supposed to do?  Could he realize that it's important to me that he just stop working for 5 mins to talk to me, without interruptions?  Yes.  Could he realize that ONE day isn't going to make a huge difference on his work project, but means the world to me?  Yes.  Could he stop being a pushover and start talking to his bosses and people he works with, rather than just complaining to me day after day?  Yes.  But, until I'm in his shoes, I can't say I'd do anything differently.  Besides, he's a guy, raised by a woman who was more self absorbed and concerned with herself, than teaching her boys the simple things in life.  (That's a whole other post in itself.)  He doesn't realize that each time he is on the phone with me and I realize he hasn't heard a word I've said, because he's still working, he's hurting me.  While I know he's busy, and I know it's hard on him, I just want him to not just expect me to suffer from it too.

I decided last week that we'd go to this appointment.  We'll be able to get some tests done and figure out what our next steps need to be to get and stay pregnant.  And then I want to wait until after our trip to Hawaii, in January, to take further action.  Even though it's a bummer to not have had November to try, it was a nice break from the ovulation tests, and timing everything, along with using the Progesterone cream.  I don't feel the same stresses of waiting the 2 weeks for my period to start.  I wanted to feel stress-free and not have anxiety around the holidays and our vacation.  Both should be a relaxing and enjoyable time.  But with the new appointment not being for another 2 weeks, I feel like the stress doesn't fully go away, until I can get the ball rolling.  I still don't have answers, and I still have to wait around and keep wondering and guessing what the issues could be.  The knot in my stomach has returned and I feel a bit more anxiety.  I kept thinking that as soon as the appt was out of the way next week, I could decorate for Christmas, and really let myself enjoy this time of year.  But there's no desire now.  I know I should just snap out of it and try to remember all the good things in my life.  But I keep coming back to how empty my life is right now.  I keep feeling like I have no real reason to get excited over anything, because it's not what I want right now.  I want W home and I want a family.  I know I'll be over my pity party soon enough.  I intend to get some yard work and house cleaning done this weekend, and maybe once I'm already doing these things, it will make me want to put up Christmas stuff and cheer up.

Lost

This month has been hard on me.  As we draw closer to our 2 year mark of trying to get pregnant, I find myself stalled in the process and unable to move forward.  W travels a lot in the fall and early winter months, and we can’t plans his work around my cycles.  We decided to take September off from trying, to give ourselves a break, but also because we weren’t sure what the doctor would want our next step to be.  I can’t change anything about our decision in September, so there’s no use dwelling on a missed opportunity to try.  But it also makes me think, what would’ve been different this month, anyway?  As luck would have it, W has to go out of town next week and won’t be around to try at the right time.  So our treatment sits waiting for next month, in hopes that he will be around at the right time.

I’ve been losing a lot of hope, lately.  I had high hopes to be pregnant by the end of summer only to feel more lost and empty.  My due date from my miscarriage in January was on Saturday, and that’s been a hard pill to swallow.  I felt down all weekend, knowing that if things had been different, we’d have a baby, or be preparing for it’s arrival any day now.  It’s such a strange thing to think about, and  I don’t even quite know how to cope with the loss I still feel, even 8 months later.  As I sat in the bathtub on Sunday night, crying, the thought crossed my mind, “how much more can I really handle?”  I’m really not sure what the answer to that is.  Of course, I’ll never give up hope, but it’s hard to think of going through this heartache for many more months.  I’m not sure that I’m mentally able to take too much more of the waiting and hoping just to be disappointed.  I find myself becoming more depressed as time goes on.  I’m less social and don’t really want to talk to many people.  I am not my usual, happy self around new people.  I feel sad and mad, and don’t have the energy to hide it anymore.   I also have found that I’ve become more private about things.  Some has to do with just simply not wanting to share my deepest thoughts with many, and another part of it feels like a broken record.  No one wants to hear how sad I am, month after month.  So I’ve just started keeping to myself a bit more than I used to, and maybe that’s the wrong way to go about it. 

I hope that once things go our way and we end up pregnant and having a baby, that I can become more of myself again.  I miss the way I was trying to be, more happy, upbeat and positive.  I want to be that way and want to find things to keep me busy and happy.  I need to find a way to fix myself, and not focus so much on when I get what I want, and not let it change who I am.

No Change

3 months of Femara.  2 months of getting my hopes up.  1 month of no ovulation.  0 change.  I have so many different  emotions:  Failure, sadness, anger, exhaustion, emptiness, heartbreak.  Feelings of wanting to give up, wanting to push forward, wanting an answer, wishing for a baby, wishing for an end.  My life is at a stand still, while everyone around me is bustling around; their lives changing and growing.  Don't know how to move forward, without that family I dream of and pray for.  Never thought it would be this hard.

Hard days ahead

I've still got some hard days ahead.  Our first month on Femera didn't work.  I started my period yesterday and can't snap out of this funk it's put me in.  I had this idea of our Fairytale coming true and the hard days being put behind us.  But that won't happen, just yet.

18 Months

I just realized the other day that we've been trying for 18 months now.  It's been a long year and a half and lots of changes have taken place around us.  W has stayed really busy with work and is learning and growing in different aspects.  I've also grown at work and feel like I've found a job I could be at for a long time.  It's actually crossed my mind to consider staying in my position after we have a baby, because I've become so comfortable and good at my job.  My boss shows he agrees by giving out raises and bonuses that only entice me to stay even more.  But ultimately, my biggest goal is to have kids and to be a stay at home mom.  I want to be there for all their "firsts" and can't imagine having my kids find comfort from a babysitter, when I should be there for them.  W and I are in a good place to allow me to stay at home, and will continue to work towards that goal.

I went to the Dr on the 17th, and love my doctor so much!  I explained that I'd tracked my cycles for 2 months, and though the first month I ovulated, we didn't get pregnant, the 2nd month no ovulations occured.  She didn't even hesitate to decide to put me on Femara, to help with my ovulation.  I have heard horror stories of how Femara can make you feel and really mess with your horomones, but I was lucky enough to feel many side affects while taking it.  The other awful side affect I've heard about was not ovulating at all, while on it...But I'm staying hopeful that isn't the case with me.  I am so excited at the thought of possibly getting pregnant this month (June), and turning 2012 around into the year I thought it would be, back in January.  We miscarried on Jan 24th, and could find out exactly 6 months later that we are expecting again.  I'm trying not to put all my eggs in this month's basket, but just can't help it.  I know that if it doesn't work this month, we will keep trying on Femara for another couple months before taking our next step.  My doctor doesn't want us to go too many months in between seeing her, so we can keep our options moving to get pregnant soon.  It's so nice to have that kind of encouragement from her, and know that she cares.  To her, I'm not just another patient with the same fertility problems as the next.  She asks me things and tells me all the options and why she's choosing to go the route she's putting me on.  And ultimately, I know that she will exhaust all her options to help us get pregnant again.  W and I couldn't be more ready for our next journey to take place, so we are excited for what could come of this simple fertility treatment.

3 months after

It’s almost May now, and I’ve already begun thinking about the end of 2012 and all the things that could be different by the end of the year.  W and I have started some projects for the year and are really enjoying the time we spend working together and the results we see in the end.  We have financial goals of where we’d like to be at the end of the year.  But my one big goal at the beginning of this year was to have a baby.  Even after my miscarriage I held onto a lot of hope that we’d just find that we’d missed a couple chances throughout last year to get pregnant, and it would just happen quickly for us.  I felt like my body was back to normal when I had a 2^nd period in April, since the miscarriage in Jan.  So W and I decided to go ahead and start trying in April.  I bought ovulation testers and checked it each morning.  We got a positive and were excited to begin the process again, almost believing we were already pregnant by timing the days out perfectly.  But my period came 4 days early this month, not really giving me a chance to do the whole “wait and see” for this month.  I am glad to not have gotten my hopes up, only to have it be crushed as my period started right on time.  But with each month, my hopes are always up.  That is something I can’t get away from.  No matter how much I try and tell myself to be realistic and calm about things, I always have so much hope and dream that our long journey will end. 

But as I talked to my sister earlier today, she reminded me that I can change my goal around a little bit and my goal can be to be pregnant before 2012 ends.  I was remembering how I felt last year, as each major holiday approached, I’d be planning out an elaborate way to tell my family that we were expecting.  I couldn’t help but go through that same scenario this month, in hopes that I could tell my family on Mother’s Day…And as I told my sister that now I can just try for Father’s Day, somewhere in the back of my mind tells me to be realistic, and not get my hopes up again.  Father’s Day is just 2 short months away, what will be different this month, that makes me think we’ll have good news to share on Father’s Day?   And it doesn’t have to be a major holiday to make it special.  I just need to bring my focus back to being hopeful and knowing that it will happen for us.

Sometimes I start to feel like me getting pregnant and miscarrying was all a dream/nightmare.  How can you try for so long to get pregnant, to have it finally happen when you least expected it…Then have it taken away so quickly?   It’s been 3 months since I miscarried and the feeling still feels so raw and fresh.  I feel like it’s going to take us getting pregnant and having a baby before that pain subdues. 

I’ve been exercising regularly and have started eating a lot better.  I feel happier and my mind feels clearer.  Running has been great for me, it gives me time to really think things through without any interruptions.  It gives me something to look forward to each day and gives me a goal to work towards that I get instant results from.  I ran my first 5k in March and am now working towards building up my strength to do a longer distance run in a couple months.

I still feel really blessed to have all the things I do have going for me.  W and I have been doing really good, and are in a really comfortable phase in our relationship.  We’ve continued to communicate better, and have even become better friends.  I love having W bring up ideas he has for our future baby room or different plans that revolve around having kids, it always makes me happy.  He is so good to me, and I certainly wouldn’t change these moments we have, for anything.

The sun'll come out tomorrow.

I am happy today.  Each morning when my alarm goes off, I lay in bed for a bit looking at Facebook or my email and just allowing myself time to wake up.  I might snuggle with J  and  stay warm under the covers a few extra minutes.  Well this morning was no different, but as I was getting on Facebook, J decided she would make herself comfortable on my back, which made me laugh.  I snapped a picture of her after she’d moved off my back, and I could see that she was still just waiting for me to get up and do something with her.

Today I am feeling optimistic and happy about things.  Maybe because the sun is shining and is expected to stick around all weekend.  Maybe it’s because I just found out that W won’t end up being out of town for 2 whole weeks again.  Maybe it’s because W’s stepmom is doing a lot better and that means his dad won’t end up living with us for another 2 months.  (He’s been there 2 weeks, and it’s very draining, even though I love him.)  Maybe it’s because I get to have lunch with a good friend who’s in town.  Maybe it’s because 2 of my best friends are coming over to keep me company tonight and do some crafts.  I am excited to try out a new bottle of wine I got. (It’s a sweet Riesling)  I am excited to work on my wall collage and happy that I have some good company to be around.  Maybe it’s because when I got home from work yesterday I saw little plants growing in my starter kit I began this past Sunday.  Maybe it’s because I get to start my garden this weekend and am excited to plant peas this summer!  Maybe it’s because my daffodil plants are already popping up, and the signs of new life make me happy.  Maybe it’s the bonus check I got today, and the tax return on it’s way.  Maybe it’s the fact that with this extra money, we get to pay down my car and have zero credit card debt.  It gets us motivated to keep paying things down and excited about what the future could be for us.  Maybe it was talking to a best friend about her share of heartache she’s had and knowing I’m not alone.  She miscarried a couple weeks after me, after her doctor diagnosed her with a Blighted Ovum too.  I feel humbled and sad that I was so focused on all of my heartache, I didn’t think to reach out to others to see if I could be a good friend in their time of need.  I feel grateful that I wasn’t as far along as this friend was, so I didn’t have to go through labor and delivery (and all alone, no less).

 I feel grateful that W and I have a bright future ahead, no matter how much heartache/pain I’ve been through and could still go through, I will always have him by my side.  He’s willing to work hard for the chance for me to stay at home with our kids and I love him for that.  We’ve overcome obstacles and it’s made us stronger.    He makes me laugh and turns my dark days around, just by being him.  He is my best friend.  That should be enough to keep me happy and optimistic.  I need to remember this, when I feel like life has let me down and everything just isn’t fair.  I need to learn to be happy for a pregnant girl around me, because I’ll never know what they went through to have this miracle happen for them.  I will work harder at doing more for my friends and family who are pregnant or have a new little one at home.  I can’t let their fortunes become my mistfortunes.  (Wise words my awesome hubby told me)   I need to remember that there is always someone out there dealing with something worse than me.  I feel blessed to have the friends and family I do, that are always there for me.  They  let me be who I am and never judge me for it.  I am so amazed at how willing they are to cheer me on and pray for me and want those things for me, almost as much as I want them for myself.  I’m sure I will still have days I am sad or mad about things, but I do have things pretty good.  I feel very blessed.

Empty

I’m having a lot of mixed emotions today.  Yesterday I thought to myself that I was probably finally getting over a big hump and was able to even make a joke about “that one time I was pregnant” to my sisters.  But today, for some reason I’ve felt a bit sad.

I woke up happy that it was Friday, and was excited to be spending the weekend with W.  But work kinda tore me down slowly with my boss and a coworker making a few jabs at me throughout the day.  I went to lunch, welcoming the break from work.  But as I was leaving I got a text from W informing that he’ll be heading back out of town on Monday for an undetermined amount of time.  Then I went through the drive through for lunch, and the girl I always see there, is pregnant.  Even though I’d already noticed she was pregnant, for some reason today it really struck a chord and I broke down in tears as soon as I drove away from the window.  I just almost don’t know what I’m feeling.  I feel a little empty today and kind of like I do the same thing day in, day out and don’t really have any real purpose in life.  I’ve had so much focus on working hard to pay down debt and always think about the end in sight.  But right now, there isn’t an end in sight.  I just work, hoping that we’ll get pregnant soon and I’ll get to stay at home.  But how do I set goals, when I don’t have a time frame to work towards?

Day By Day

Our  lives have changed a lot in the last month and a half.  We found out on Jan 13^th that I was pregnant and couldn’t be happier with the news.  A week later we left to go on vacation to Hawaii.  Life was good and we were on top of the world.  After a full day of walking around the first day in Hawaii, I started spotting.  We tried to take it easy on Sunday and Monday, but the spotting got worse and the cramping worsened as well.  I started having a sharp pain on my right side on Monday night, preventing me from getting comfortable all night.  So Tuesday morning, Jan 24^th,  I called my doctor at home and she told me I had to go to the ER, because she was worried that the sharp pain on one  side was a sign of an ectopic pregnancy.  So W and I went to the ER, and tried to stay calm and think positively.  We were  hopeful that they would just tell us that everything looked just fine, and to maybe take it even easier the rest of our trip. 

We went through all the testing, and then a Dr. came in to do an ultrasound.  He tried the normal ultrasound and then tried an internal ultrasound, making us worried as the seconds passed without the sound of a beating heart.  He put the equipment down and whispered something to the nurse, who quickly gave me some paper towels, and left the room.  He rested on the edge of the bed and put his hand on my knee, in a very fatherly fashion.  He then explained to me that he wasn’t finding a heartbeat, and couldn’t see anything resembling a baby forming.  He told me that I had a Blighted Ovum, which means that I did get pregnant, but no baby ever started to develop.  My body was going through all the normal pregnancy symptoms and was creating a home for our baby.  But because no baby had ever developed, my body was starting to reject it .  He said he wanted us to wait to see the test results to make sure he wasn’t wrong.  After waiting over an hour for the results, he said that my HCG levels were very high and that he didn’t want to give us false hope, but that he has seen miracles happen when diagnosing women with Blighted Ovum’s, that sometimes, you’re not as far along as you think you are, and sometimes women go on to have normal, healthy pregnancies.  We left the hospital after 4 ½ hours and a different attitude.  Although the Dr. said he was hopeful that the HCG levels being so high was a good sign, I was having heavier bleeding and cramping, and just knew this pregnancy wouldn’t be around much longer.

We got ready and went to a Luau that evening.  We had to take a bus to our destination and tried to enjoy ourselves once we got to beautiful Paradise Cove.  But right before dinner, I went to the bathroom and that’s when I miscarried.  A small pink sac had come out and I just knew that it was over.  I tried to stay calm, but couldn’t keep the tears from falling, as I told W what happened.  He was so good to me and asked if I just wanted to go back to the hotel?  I nodded and he guided me to find someone to help find us a cab ride home.  We had to pay $100 for that cab ride, but I wouldn’t have changed it.  We were able to grieve together on our balcony that night.  W and I cried as we talked and hugged.  It’s something I’ll never forget.  It just gave us a stronger bond and love for each other.  We actually felt like it was a blessing in disguise that all of this happened while we were on vacation.  We got to be together during it all, and got to have the time to just feel what we needed to feel, but it was also a good distraction,, so we (mostly I) didn’t fall into immediate depression.  Our relationship changed with this too.  When we went to Hawaii, I already had been feeling so good about things with W.  We are on the same page and are so happy about our future, but this made that bond even stronger.  It’s a pretty incredible feeling knowing that you have your spouse as your rock, and support and listening ear during your hardest times.  I don’t know that I could’ve gotten through this with anyone else.  I feel so lucky to have W by my  side.

The rest of our trip was changed, as I was not allowed to swim, and was so uncomfortable that I didn’t want to hike or be on my feet too long.  This Friday marks a month since the miscarriage, but feels like longer.  I’ve been up and down and really having a hard time feeling back to my old self.  But in a way, I know I will never go back to my “old self”.  I’ve gone through something that has changed me.  W and I have been doing really good at keeping positive, from the second it happened, that things happen for a reason, and we are thrilled at this sign that we can get pregnant on our own.  But I have had a constant reminder of losing this pregnancy, that it’s been hard to stay positive.  I’ve had to deal with the questions of why we didn’t do so many things while on vacation, and not been able to share the real reason we didn’t do so many cool things in the most beautiful place.  My best friend had her baby last week.  I have 2 cousins who just found out in the last 2 weeks that they’ll be having baby girls in July, and my other best friend will find out the sex of her baby this week.  W has been gone for work for the last 2 weeks, so I’ve been feeling incredibly alone, trying to deal with hearing these things.  I am incredibly happy for all these friends and family that are experiencing the joys of pregnancy and parenthood, but it’s a constant reminder of what I’ve lost.

My doctor told me that we can start trying again in 3 months, so we only have 2 months till we can start trying again, but it feels like a lifetime.  She told us that she wouldn’t suggest that we use any sort of birth control or protection, since we did struggle for a year to get pregnant.  She said the 3 months is just a  good starting time to start trying again, but nothing will happen if we get pregnant before then.  I can’t help but hope that we’ll be one of those few that find ourselves pregnant before that 3 months has gone by.  I feel sad, angry, lost and empty with the loss of this pregnancy.  It’s hard to feel so unsure about the future.  I feel like my life is standing still, while everyone around me is still bustling around and planning their futures.  They are having kids and moving on, while I feel like my chance to move on is unknown.  I can try to plan for things in the next year, but they’ll never feel good enough for what could’ve been my plans for the next year with a baby on the way.  I know I need to be positive, but I’m not to that point yet.  I just want to feel like me again.  I guess I’ll just keep taking it one day at a time. 

Lucky 13

W and I still had no luck in December, and still weren’t pregnant.  I went to a Christmas party with a bunch of girlfriends from high school on Dec. 3, and found out that my other best friend is pregnant.  I had been confiding in this friend for quite some time about my feelings about infertility, and  she had been able to relate to some of the same feelings I was having.  So she told us at the party that she was pregnant, while I was happy for this friend, I was fighting tears the whole time, and couldn’t help but feel sad and even jealous over it.  And to top it all off, my period made it’s appearance the next day.  W had been extremely busy at work and travelling, so I was feeling pretty alone.  It was a hard weekend, but as the 12^th month of trying came to a close, I felt that it was time to set up a doctor’s appointment to figure out what was wrong with us.

Christmas came and went, and the day of our appointment arrived, on the 29^th.  We didn’t tell anyone besides my sisters that we had the Dr. appt, for fear of having to tell people the worst.  The appointment ended up only being a regular exam/checkup, with instructions to return on certain days of my next cycle to being different tests and labs.  I left the Dr’s feeling a little bit disappointed that there wasn’t more info they could give us right off the bat.  I spent a few days in the following week feeling very mad and sad about everything.  I couldn’t help but feel like it just wasn’t fair.  Why did we have to struggle with infertility, when so many people get pregnant so easily?  Why do we have to spend all sorts of money determining the cause, not to mention all the invasive and uncomfortable procedures that I’d have to go through.  But as the days went by and my anger subdued, I realized just how lucky I am.  W and I have gone through the hardest time in both our married and personal lives.  We’ve grown closer than I ever thought possible.  Our relationship is better than it ever could be.  And as I’ve already realized this in previous months, I realized it once again, when I noticed that W was letting me just be angry and short without ever snapping back.  It made me realize that we really have moved past a big hurdle in our marriage.  We have better communication and appreciation for each other is renewed each day.  We have been able to pay down/off debt and feel really comfortable with our financial future.  We have dreams of buying a different house in the next few years and dreams of raising our children close in age.  We always said that we wanted to go to Hawaii before we had kids, and we are getting to go this month, and are thrilled about it.  We can’t wait to spend some much needed time together, with W being so busy at work, it’s a welcome break together.

But my period was late this month.  I told myself that it was just because I had stressed myself out before and after the doctor appointment and that I’d just be getting my period a few days late.  This made me a bit anxious, as I didn’t want to miss my chance to get my labs/tests done this month, and have to wait another month, since we will be on vacation this month.  When I was 2 days late…I took a test in the evening, and told myself it would be negative.   It was, but there’s always a bit of hope when taking those tests, so of course I was a little bit disappointed.  As the days passed and I continued to be late, and I talked to a friend, who’s also been going through infertility for longer than we have, she convinced me that it was time to take a test.  W was out of town and I didn’t want to do it without him here.  But I told myself that it would be negative and that maybe I wasn’t ovulating regularly and so my doctor could put me on Clomid and our problems would be fixed.  So I bought a test after work on Thursday the 12^th, and couldn’t sleep all night, with nervousness.  As I woke up the next morning, I told myself that I shouldn’t be sad if it’s negative, since this could be a good thing, knowing that Clomid fixes so many women’s problems.  I took the test and did a few things before coming back in the bathroom to check the test before chucking it in the garbage.  I was stunned to see 2 lines on the test, reading positive.  I couldn’t believe what I was seeing, and ran to grab my cell phone to call W.  He was still asleep, and I was trying to stay calm so I wouldn’t freak him out.  I asked him if he was awake and he said yes, and I just blurted out “The test is positive!”  He said “What” and so I repeated myself.  He started laughing and got a little emotional and couldn’t believe it either.  We were able to talk about it for a little while before I needed to get ready for work.  I sent him a picture of the test and went about my regular day.   W sent me a text mid-morning that said, “I am trying not to cry.  I love you.” 

After lunch I called to set up an appt with the Dr. for Feb 9th, when I will be 10 weeks along, and was so happy to have the receptionist be just as excited about it all as I was.  She told me that our tentative due date is Sept. 8^th.  When I told her I tested positive that morning, she said Friday the 13^th is a lucky day for us.  When she asked how long we’d been trying and I told her it’d been our 13^th month trying, she pointed out that 13 really was our lucky number!  And it really is!  While I had a hard year trying to get the most important thing to happen, I have to know that things happen for a reason.  And I can see those reasons, laid out in front of me.   I am so blessed to have such a great family surrounding me.  I have the best sisters a girl could ask for, who have been there for me through all my sad times.  They feel my sorrow almost as heavy as I do, and were always there for me.  I have the most wonderful husband, who cares about me and loves me through my good days and bad.   And now I have a baby on the way, and I feel like I could burst at the seams with happiness.   Life is good.