I had intended to be much better about posting and making this a pregnancy journal of sorts, but it just didn't happen. I am 28 weeks and 5 days now and things are still going as smoothly as they could ever be. I am so thankful that each doctor appt goes well and things continue progressing as they do. I'm going to try and recall events, even just for my own memories down the road, so this post may jump around a bit.
First of all, we've known we're having 2 boys since 16 weeks and are so thrilled about it. I had my vision of wanting a boy and a girl, if only because I love the relationship I have with my twin brother. My sister put together gender reveal party and the first box (of balloons and confetti was obviously blue for a boy, which had me tearing up instantly. My sister in law took a video, in which you can hear my brother saying, "Why is she crying, I thought she didn't want a boy." There are other comments said, to which I reply something like "There better not be 2 boys in there!", and W saying "Try not to say things like 'unacceptable'". Well lo and behold the 2nd box also showered us with blue confetti, which instantly had me jumping for joy and cracking up over. I'm so glad we have pictures and a fuzzy video to mark such a fun event. I can't lie and say I didn't feel any disappointment over the picture in my head not actually happening, but I can also say with a 100% certainty that those feelings have completely diminished and I am so excited to have 2 little guys joining our family!
At 24 weeks, the weekend we moved into our new home, we ended up going to the Maternity ER to get checked out. We had been working hard for several days in a row, with me even helping W move dirt around to get our dog run set up. I was concerned about the cramping I was feeling, and with him heading out of town the next day, I decided to play it safe and get checked out. Everything was just fine, and they said I had an "irritable uterus", and to try and take it easy and make sure I was getting plenty of fluids.
I've still been gaining weight like a champ, if I do say so myself. As of yesterday I'm up 29 lbs and couldn't be happier about it. It's the only time in my life I will ever feel this way, so I'm taking full advantage of enjoying seeing the scale climb. At my 26 week appointment, we did another full scan of the babies, and they looked so good! It's so crazy making out features on them, even in the grainy video screen. Baby B is still presenting and head down. Baby A is still breech and looking pretty cozy that way, still. The Placenta Previa was still showing up, so I've been trying to prepare myself more and more to expect to have a scheduled C-section.
Yesterday was my 28 week appt. I had my 1 hour glucose test and passed. Dr. D said it was pretty close to the edge, but he didn't see any need for me to do the 3 hour test, but to try and cut back on sweets and eat more fruits and veggies. We didn't have a full ultrasound, just a quick check the heartbeats and my cervix, but everything was looking good. Dr. D said he thinks there's still plenty of time for the Placenta Previa to move and we can still try and have a natural delivery, but that ultimately it doesn't matter what he thinks, that it's up to my body. I am to go to the ER if I have any bleeding or consistent contractions. If everything continues to go smoothly, and I don't go into labor on my own, Dr. D said he'll likely induce me right around 36 weeks, so these little guys should be here within the next 8 weeks! I had it in my head that I was going to carry them until at least 38 weeks, and so I was counting down from 10 weeks, 8 weeks seems like such a big difference to me! But, I can't wait! There's lots to do still to prepare, but I know we'll get it done!
The boys have been moving around a ton, and in the last week starting to hit my ribs. I never thought much about it when people would complain about this, but those little guys can really hurt my ribs! I'll bend over to put on shoes, and get a punch to the ribs or be curled up on one side and get a kick in the ribs. Even though, I'm starting to get more and more uncomfortable, the bigger I get, I really do love it all. I am so thankful to be here and to experience the joy of pregnancy and to feel them move brings a smile to my face constantly.
I've started getting braxton hicks contractions, which is such a bizarre feeling. My stomach tightens and contorts in some odd shape and at times will last quite a long time, making me really uncomfortable. Others come and go really quickly.
We've decided on the boys' names and I've already decided which one will be named which at birth. We like Thomas and Marcus. I also just put out a very simple announcement on Facebook and Instagram, with pictures speaking for me that we are expecting. I've been overwhelmed with the love and support from our family and friends. It's a bit surreal to be here, making an announcement, sending out baby shower invites and setting up a baby registry. Not a day goes by, that I don't feel so much gratitude for all the good things happening in our lives. We are in our new house and have twins on the way. It's going to be a big adjustment, needing to really tighten up our budget and me transitioning into becoming a stay at home mom, but I know we can do it. These small sacrifices will pay off in the long run, knowing we are creating the life we've been dreaming of for years. I sit and think about what a difference a year can make. As we rang in the new year last year, we were still mourning the loss of our first real pregnancy. I had so much bitterness in my heart and wasn't sure if I'd ever feel whole again. But things have taken quite a drastic change and I feel so much joy, happiness and love for these 2 boys I still haven't met. In a few short weeks, our lives will be forever changed. I can't wait.
Tuesday, December 30, 2014
Monday, November 3, 2014
Week 20
Week 20 has been my favorite so far! I bought a book about twins and multiples at the beginning of my pregnancy, it outlines how important it is to focus on gaining weight for your twins. I thought it to be far too daunting of a task to read that you should gain 20 lbs, plus some if you're underweight, by 20 weeks. Well at my 20 week appointment last week, I had gained 22 lbs and couldn't be happier about it!
I also began feeling the babies kicking. I can't say for certain that I've felt both, but 100% have felt "Baby B" kicking several times. Yesterday, W was even able to feel a tiny little kick and then at dinner, my mom and sisters were able to feel it too. What a surreal feeling it is, to really have that life growing and moving inside you.
My sister bought an at home Fetal Doppler and we've heard the heartbeats several times on it. It's a sound that I never grow tired of hearing. We also got our confirmation that we are in fact having 2 boys, which thrills me so much! I've bought a couple nursery items, now that I can say for sure that I won't be exchanging any items down the road.
So far, I haven't had any real cravings. Certain foods don't quite sound good, but I can't say that anything has been at the top of the list, either. I still have the taste buds of a little kid and could eat chicken with buffalo sauce and ranch every day and not grow tired of it.
Sleep has been different. I have to sleep on my side, and wake up with half my limbs asleep or cramping up a lot. I find that some nights I wake up to pee several times, and others I'll only wake up once. I am most comfortable with a pillow supporting my back and another supporting my stomach. Poor puppy J hasn't been able to curl up with me like she used to. Some nights, I simply can't handle her laying anywhere she might be touching me. She seems to understand though, and is fine curling up with W or on a blanket next to me when he's gone.
"Baby A" is breech at the moment, but of course could turn at anytime. What I find interesting is that he has been breech every time we've gone in for an ultrasound. "Baby B" is our "presenting twin". He is head down at the lowest point right now, which means he'll likely be born first. At this last appt. Dr. D said that I have Placenta Previa. This means that one of the placentas is blocking my cervix, which makes natural childbirth out of the question. But this could change and move in time, so we aren't too worried about it at the moment. I go back to see him in 3 weeks, and we'll check it then.
I also began feeling the babies kicking. I can't say for certain that I've felt both, but 100% have felt "Baby B" kicking several times. Yesterday, W was even able to feel a tiny little kick and then at dinner, my mom and sisters were able to feel it too. What a surreal feeling it is, to really have that life growing and moving inside you.
My sister bought an at home Fetal Doppler and we've heard the heartbeats several times on it. It's a sound that I never grow tired of hearing. We also got our confirmation that we are in fact having 2 boys, which thrills me so much! I've bought a couple nursery items, now that I can say for sure that I won't be exchanging any items down the road.
So far, I haven't had any real cravings. Certain foods don't quite sound good, but I can't say that anything has been at the top of the list, either. I still have the taste buds of a little kid and could eat chicken with buffalo sauce and ranch every day and not grow tired of it.
Sleep has been different. I have to sleep on my side, and wake up with half my limbs asleep or cramping up a lot. I find that some nights I wake up to pee several times, and others I'll only wake up once. I am most comfortable with a pillow supporting my back and another supporting my stomach. Poor puppy J hasn't been able to curl up with me like she used to. Some nights, I simply can't handle her laying anywhere she might be touching me. She seems to understand though, and is fine curling up with W or on a blanket next to me when he's gone.
"Baby A" is breech at the moment, but of course could turn at anytime. What I find interesting is that he has been breech every time we've gone in for an ultrasound. "Baby B" is our "presenting twin". He is head down at the lowest point right now, which means he'll likely be born first. At this last appt. Dr. D said that I have Placenta Previa. This means that one of the placentas is blocking my cervix, which makes natural childbirth out of the question. But this could change and move in time, so we aren't too worried about it at the moment. I go back to see him in 3 weeks, and we'll check it then.
One Year Later
So much can change in one year's time. This has certainly proved to be true for us in the last year. One year ago, we were grieving the loss of our first real pregnancy. We'd done our first round of IVF and it was successful! But at 9 weeks, everything came crashing down around us and our world wouldn't ever be quite the same. I still get quite emotional when I think about that day and the days that followed. W and I spent a few days just at home, doing our own grieving. We ventured out that weekend, spent time with family and cried with them. I feel terrible, because I don't think I acknowledged my own dad's birthday last year. I was in such a haze and couldn't quite think straight. A little piece of my heart will forever be missing with the loss of our little one. Hopes and dreams we'd already had, were no longer. We spent several months trying to make sense of what had happened and tried to move on and pick up the pieces, but life doesn't always work out the way you want them to. I spent several months seeing my RE, trying to prepare to move forward with a frozen embryo transfer, and got bad news each time, that my body just wasn't quite ready to move on.
When March rolled around, I decided to take matters into my own hands. I wasn't going to sit around and mope and wish for my cysts to be gone. I needed a break, so I talked to Dr. P and made a plan. I still went and saw him each month, to be sure that things were continuing on the way they should, but I didn't focus all my energy into being able to move forward. Instead I put all my extra energy into running. And run I did. I ran 3 half marathons in 5 weeks, and improved each race. I had the ambition to run a full marathon, but as time drew closer, I realized I just simply didn't allow myself enough time to train. So instead, I focused on improving my speed and with my final half, I was able to come in at 1:57, which was so awesome to me. I ran it by myself, and had to really push myself to not slow down, not stop and walk, not tell myself I couldn't do it.
As soon as the races were done, W and I made plans for another big change in our lives. We weren't going to sit around and hope that our FET worked and wish we'd done something if things fell through again. So we made another dream of ours happen and found a development to build our new home and things couldn't have come together more perfectly. We got things rolling with the house, went to our meetings and figured out what to do with our existing home. During it all, we prepared to move forward with our FET and made the big decision whether to transfer 1 or 2 embryos. I kept running as much as I could, to fit in as much as I could before the transfer, as I wasn't allowed to keep running past that point.
Come July, real changes were happening. We were getting closer to sealing the deal on our new home, and we did our transfer, and went with 2 knowing full well that twins could be a real possibility for us. We had our final meetings and signed a check to get the house going. And then we waited....
Fast forward to today and we are getting over some big humps and nearing closer to our new reality. Our house should be complete in 3 weeks, and we should be celebrating the holidays in our new home.
We are also in a much different place in regards to our pregnancy. One year after that heartbreaking loss, we hit the 20 week mark of this pregnancy with twins. What a milestone this has been! I am overcome with emotion when I sit back and see everything we have to be thankful for. I didn't want to be that annoying lady, who posted each week the different things in a pregnancy, but I finally feel like this is here to stay and I don't want to forget anything about it. So I think that every couple of weeks, I will do a journal entry of sorts, to remember certain milestones of this pregnancy.
When March rolled around, I decided to take matters into my own hands. I wasn't going to sit around and mope and wish for my cysts to be gone. I needed a break, so I talked to Dr. P and made a plan. I still went and saw him each month, to be sure that things were continuing on the way they should, but I didn't focus all my energy into being able to move forward. Instead I put all my extra energy into running. And run I did. I ran 3 half marathons in 5 weeks, and improved each race. I had the ambition to run a full marathon, but as time drew closer, I realized I just simply didn't allow myself enough time to train. So instead, I focused on improving my speed and with my final half, I was able to come in at 1:57, which was so awesome to me. I ran it by myself, and had to really push myself to not slow down, not stop and walk, not tell myself I couldn't do it.
As soon as the races were done, W and I made plans for another big change in our lives. We weren't going to sit around and hope that our FET worked and wish we'd done something if things fell through again. So we made another dream of ours happen and found a development to build our new home and things couldn't have come together more perfectly. We got things rolling with the house, went to our meetings and figured out what to do with our existing home. During it all, we prepared to move forward with our FET and made the big decision whether to transfer 1 or 2 embryos. I kept running as much as I could, to fit in as much as I could before the transfer, as I wasn't allowed to keep running past that point.
Come July, real changes were happening. We were getting closer to sealing the deal on our new home, and we did our transfer, and went with 2 knowing full well that twins could be a real possibility for us. We had our final meetings and signed a check to get the house going. And then we waited....
Fast forward to today and we are getting over some big humps and nearing closer to our new reality. Our house should be complete in 3 weeks, and we should be celebrating the holidays in our new home.
We are also in a much different place in regards to our pregnancy. One year after that heartbreaking loss, we hit the 20 week mark of this pregnancy with twins. What a milestone this has been! I am overcome with emotion when I sit back and see everything we have to be thankful for. I didn't want to be that annoying lady, who posted each week the different things in a pregnancy, but I finally feel like this is here to stay and I don't want to forget anything about it. So I think that every couple of weeks, I will do a journal entry of sorts, to remember certain milestones of this pregnancy.
Friday, September 19, 2014
Feeling Blessed
If you had told me at the beginning of this year that we'd be in the place we are, I would've said "Not likely." Yet here we are, making so many of our dreams a reality.
We've always talked about how nice it would be to build a home together. We get to decide the way it looks, and be the original owners and really plant our roots. I'm just so grateful that the first 4 or 5 options we were 'set' on ended up not working, because none of them compared to the option we landed on. We get to live close to my parents. We get to live close to an awesome biking/jogging trail and parks to take our dogs and kids to. We knew the instant we pulled into the area, that this was going to be our new home. We didn't hesitate to put our holding deposit down and start making plans. We've been so incredibly thankful for the way the pieces of the puzzle have come together to make everything work out for us. The house is coming along, slowly but surely and our plans to make it our home are in full swing.
But beyond the new house, other prayers have been answered. At the beginning of July, we did our frozen embryo transfer. We made the decision together, with Dr. P's advice and guidance, to transfer 2 embryos. Well both took. We are expecting TWINS. I am 14 weeks today, and officially into the 2nd trimester. The farther along we get, the more grateful I feel. We had a scare 2 weeks ago, suddenly gushing blood with clots, and rushed to the ER. I was making peace with myself on the way there, and waiting for the doctor to do the ultrasound, that if we could just keep one baby, I would know that things just worked how there were supposed to. But we breathed a huge sigh of relief when we saw both babies moving around with good, strong heartbeats. The bleeding died down after a couple hours and we were sent home. Every time in the past, when I've been bleeding, I've miscarried, so to say we were humbled would be an understatement. We are just so grateful that we aren't grieving the loss of one of our babies, but celebrating both of them continuing to grow strong.
We've had a couple of appts with our Maternal Fetal Medicine doctor and so far, really like the office and it's staff. The last appt, seeing both babies moving around, seeing facial features and limbs moving, I was just in awe the whole time. I don't think I could've grown tired of seeing them up there, and cannot wait to meet them in real life.
Our next appt is in a couple weeks, and although I know it might still be early, I am hoping we can find out the genders. It would be nice to really be able to start planning how the nursery will look and buying a few items for them.
We continue to pray that things can keep moving smoothly and that these littles can be in our arms in a few months. We're slowly telling the news to friends and family and I'm starting to really love this baby bump. I'm getting past the in between stage and into maternity clothing and loving experiencing what it's like to be pregnant. It's not always fun. I haven't felt fully myself for a number of weeks now. Feeling nauseous and gaggy, waking up several times a night to pee, feeling like things are already too tight in my stomach that I can't quite get comfortable. But, I definitely wouldn't change it for the world.
We've always talked about how nice it would be to build a home together. We get to decide the way it looks, and be the original owners and really plant our roots. I'm just so grateful that the first 4 or 5 options we were 'set' on ended up not working, because none of them compared to the option we landed on. We get to live close to my parents. We get to live close to an awesome biking/jogging trail and parks to take our dogs and kids to. We knew the instant we pulled into the area, that this was going to be our new home. We didn't hesitate to put our holding deposit down and start making plans. We've been so incredibly thankful for the way the pieces of the puzzle have come together to make everything work out for us. The house is coming along, slowly but surely and our plans to make it our home are in full swing.
But beyond the new house, other prayers have been answered. At the beginning of July, we did our frozen embryo transfer. We made the decision together, with Dr. P's advice and guidance, to transfer 2 embryos. Well both took. We are expecting TWINS. I am 14 weeks today, and officially into the 2nd trimester. The farther along we get, the more grateful I feel. We had a scare 2 weeks ago, suddenly gushing blood with clots, and rushed to the ER. I was making peace with myself on the way there, and waiting for the doctor to do the ultrasound, that if we could just keep one baby, I would know that things just worked how there were supposed to. But we breathed a huge sigh of relief when we saw both babies moving around with good, strong heartbeats. The bleeding died down after a couple hours and we were sent home. Every time in the past, when I've been bleeding, I've miscarried, so to say we were humbled would be an understatement. We are just so grateful that we aren't grieving the loss of one of our babies, but celebrating both of them continuing to grow strong.
We've had a couple of appts with our Maternal Fetal Medicine doctor and so far, really like the office and it's staff. The last appt, seeing both babies moving around, seeing facial features and limbs moving, I was just in awe the whole time. I don't think I could've grown tired of seeing them up there, and cannot wait to meet them in real life.
Our next appt is in a couple weeks, and although I know it might still be early, I am hoping we can find out the genders. It would be nice to really be able to start planning how the nursery will look and buying a few items for them.
We continue to pray that things can keep moving smoothly and that these littles can be in our arms in a few months. We're slowly telling the news to friends and family and I'm starting to really love this baby bump. I'm getting past the in between stage and into maternity clothing and loving experiencing what it's like to be pregnant. It's not always fun. I haven't felt fully myself for a number of weeks now. Feeling nauseous and gaggy, waking up several times a night to pee, feeling like things are already too tight in my stomach that I can't quite get comfortable. But, I definitely wouldn't change it for the world.
Friday, August 15, 2014
Updates
There's so much to update on, but so little time, it seems.
We have been updating our current home since February, and then in May decided that we should take advantage of the market being on an upswing and get our house sold. With the plans being in place to do the transfer in July, it gave us time to start looking for a new home in the meantime. After looking all across the valley, we found a new development 3.5 miles from my parents house and instantly fell in love. So we put our money down and got the ball rolling to get everything started. We've sold our house, which turned out much easier/better than we could've ever imagined. We were going to hire an agent to help us list our house, but then decided at the last minute, the day before his contract went into effect, that we really couldn't sell our house right now, with the house not even being built yet. But a week later, the agent called with some buyers who were interested in seeing our house. They made an offer and agreed to let us stay in the home (renting it from them) until our new house is built. We closed on the house last week and are now renters. They will begin digging next week on our new home, which we are thrilled about! Keeping our fingers crossed that mid-November is when they'll complete the home, so we can be in and settled before the holidays.
We did our transfer on July 2nd and played the waiting game for almost 2 weeks. We got our positive beta and even higher numbers 2 days later. We told our families the news @ 5 weeks, but have kept the news to ourselves, beyond that. I am 9 weeks today and feeling morning sickness throughout most of the day, but it's worse in the evening. I feel tired and achy, with cramps here and there. We had our last 2 appts with Dr. P and have moved on to our new OB, Dr. D. I won't have another appt until I am almost 12 weeks, which seems like forever away. I'm taking it very easy, and still taking my Estrodial, baby asprin and prenatal vitamins each night. The PIO shots are coming to an end, only one more week, which I'm both nervous and excited for. I worry that stopping the shots could create an issue, but just have to trust Dr. P's knowledge that my body will be creating enough progesterone on it's own to sustain this pregnancy. Today I have a mix of feelings. I'm happy to be making it this far in a pregnancy, but still anxious, as we miscarried at 9 weeks exactly, last time. Just have to take it one day at a time, and hope this pregnancy is the one that sticks.
We have been updating our current home since February, and then in May decided that we should take advantage of the market being on an upswing and get our house sold. With the plans being in place to do the transfer in July, it gave us time to start looking for a new home in the meantime. After looking all across the valley, we found a new development 3.5 miles from my parents house and instantly fell in love. So we put our money down and got the ball rolling to get everything started. We've sold our house, which turned out much easier/better than we could've ever imagined. We were going to hire an agent to help us list our house, but then decided at the last minute, the day before his contract went into effect, that we really couldn't sell our house right now, with the house not even being built yet. But a week later, the agent called with some buyers who were interested in seeing our house. They made an offer and agreed to let us stay in the home (renting it from them) until our new house is built. We closed on the house last week and are now renters. They will begin digging next week on our new home, which we are thrilled about! Keeping our fingers crossed that mid-November is when they'll complete the home, so we can be in and settled before the holidays.
We did our transfer on July 2nd and played the waiting game for almost 2 weeks. We got our positive beta and even higher numbers 2 days later. We told our families the news @ 5 weeks, but have kept the news to ourselves, beyond that. I am 9 weeks today and feeling morning sickness throughout most of the day, but it's worse in the evening. I feel tired and achy, with cramps here and there. We had our last 2 appts with Dr. P and have moved on to our new OB, Dr. D. I won't have another appt until I am almost 12 weeks, which seems like forever away. I'm taking it very easy, and still taking my Estrodial, baby asprin and prenatal vitamins each night. The PIO shots are coming to an end, only one more week, which I'm both nervous and excited for. I worry that stopping the shots could create an issue, but just have to trust Dr. P's knowledge that my body will be creating enough progesterone on it's own to sustain this pregnancy. Today I have a mix of feelings. I'm happy to be making it this far in a pregnancy, but still anxious, as we miscarried at 9 weeks exactly, last time. Just have to take it one day at a time, and hope this pregnancy is the one that sticks.
Friday, June 13, 2014
Finding Solace in Others
I came across this posting on Resolve.org and just had to share it. I've found such good support and lots of information by being involved in these message boards and feel as though I've known some of these ladies for a while. Meredith is amazing and has gone through so much towards trying to bring home a baby. Sadly, her journey continues and she's searching for answers. But I can't help but feel grateful that even though my journey is far from over, I still feel hope that the treatments we are about to embark on could work for us. Anyway, this is a post she put on her FB last year and it may as well have been me saying it. 95% of what she's said is words from my own story.
"It’s National Infertility Awareness Week! Let’s celebrate by spreading some awareness. Since I don’t have an actual soapbox, I’ll use Facebook. 1 in 8 couples in the US experience infertility. You know at least one of these couples (<DH> and me), probably more. Our experience has been heartbreaking; treatments have been invasive, painful, and expensive. The hardest part is that nothing has worked and we struggle with the reality that treatments might never work.
During this journey I've encountered some amazing support, for which I am touched and deeply grateful. I have also encountered smart, caring people with serious misunderstandings about infertility and our treatment options. In the interest of raising awareness, I've put together “8 things I wish everyone understood about Infertility.” If you've said something a little foolish to me, please don't take this as a complain. My goal here is to acknowledge that misconceptions exist and to improve the dialogue about infertility.
As a "note" (linked to in the status):
1. Infertility is a medical condition. Reproduction is a biological function. When your body can’t reproduce it is a medical problem that deserves to be treated as such.
2. Our infertility is a physical problem, not a mental one. No amount of relaxing, vacationing, or thinking positively will change the biological problem we’ve encountered. Several people have suggested to me that relaxing might solve our problem. Please believe me when I tell you that there is nothing I can do in my head to solve our problem (same for <DH>). Our doctors suggest in-vitro fertilization (IVF) not vacations or de-stressing.
3. Infertility is exhausting. It is mentally exhausting. I have been “not pregnant” 30 times. Think about trying for something (that you really care about) 30 times. How would you feel on the 31st try? … I think the fact that we can summon the hope required to try again at this point is sort of amazing. Infertility is also physically exhausting. Just since January, I have lost track of the number of times we’ve been to the clinic, not to mention the number of blood draws, transvaginal ultrasounds, injections, medications, and phone conversations with my nurse. My body has been through a lot in the last couple years.
4. Our infertility isn’t anyone’s fault. If you want to know more about our diagnosis and what’s preventing us from conceiving you can ask me; please don’t ask, “Whose fault is it?” Neither one of us did anything wrong and our problem cannot be fixed with lifestyle changes.
5. Infertility can be caused by many different issues. 30% of infertility is caused by a male issue, 30% is caused by a female issue, 20% is unexplained, and the rest is some combination of factors. Within both the male and female categories, there are several possible things that can go wrong. With so many different causes, not every infertility treatment is appropriate for everyone. Please do not assume that we should try whatever worked for your neighbor’s sister.
6. IVF does not always work (and it sucks). IVF is an end-of-the-line, invasive, expensive medical procedure that works about half the time under the best circumstances. There are many couples with much lower odds and many who never have success. I hope it will work for us, but so far it hasn’t. When I tell you, “We’re about to start another IVF cycle.” I appreciate your excitement, but I wish you understood that what I just said was, “Having a baby is going to be very difficult. We’re about to try again with about 6 weeks of treatments. It might not work and it will cost $15,000. Our bathroom counter will be covered in materials for mixing and injecting hormones. I’ll go in for several early-morning transvaginal ultrasounds. I’ll also get about 15 blood draws, recover from a painful egg retrieval surgery, have an embryo transferred back into me, and then at the end I’ll “rest” for ten days while I try not to obsess about what is or is not happening in my uterus. I will be physically and emotionally delicate during and after treatment. <DH> will be worried and will be busy attending appointments, taking care of me, and generally trying to hold it all together. I am incredibly anxious that this cycle will end like all the rest, with disappointment and sadness.” That is what “We’re doing another cycle of IVF.” actually means to me.
7. Infertility treatments can be very expensive. Very expensive like we could have sent our non-existent child to UW for an undergraduate education using the money we spent trying to have a child in the past 12 months. For example, $15,000 for a fresh IVF cycle (including $2500 for meds and $4000 for PGS testing) and $4000 for a frozen embryo transfer cycle. We have good insurance and we reached our infertility cap 4 months into the diagnosis and treatment process. Many people with medical insurance in the US have zero coverage for infertility. Ironically, these high costs encourage patients to make riskier decision which result in a high rate of multiples (twins, etc.), which are ultimately more expensive for insurers and riskier for everyone. In places where coverage is mandatory it pays off in terms of total healthcare costs. I also think it’s wrong to discriminate against this medical condition, but that’s a long discussion... suffice it to say that costs can be prohibitive and I wish there was a wider understanding of exactly what I mean when I say “expensive.”
8. For me, infertility is a Really Big Deal. I have thought about this every day for at least 18 months, sometimes every hour. It has affected my outlook on life, my marriage, really everything. I am surprised by how deeply this experience has shaken me, so I can see why others would have trouble understanding. I will try to explain… I appear to have a biological urge to procreate. When I see a tiny baby I’m pretty sure my uterus actually does a little happy dance. And then I want to cry. Infertility is so frustrating and humbling. This is a problem that I can’t fix by working harder or just finding a way to be better. We can do everything “right,” I can take my medications perfectly and read every relevant book and medical article out there, and still have cycle after cycle fail. It feels wickedly unfair. Cycle failures feel like a loss. It is the loss of a baby who only existed in my head. The loss of being able to decide when we have kids (we started trying when I was 28, I’m 31 now). The loss of being able to choose how many kids we have. The loss of the joy and excitement that I used to associate with deciding to have a baby. Infertility makes me feel powerless and sad. It’s a constant struggle to try to keep those emotions from crowding out the goodness and the joy in my life. I believe that we’ll find some path to happiness, but right now the path we’re on is scary, twisted, and just plain cruel.
Thank you for reading all this. I hope it furthers the conversation and awareness about infertility. If you have questions please ask. Although I complained about some of the stupid advice I’ve gotten, I really do think that the dialogue is helpful. I’ll assume that your questions come from an honest, caring place and I’ll answer accordingly. Just to get this out of the way, though… elevating your hips after sex doesn’t make a difference. ;-)"
-Meredith
"It’s National Infertility Awareness Week! Let’s celebrate by spreading some awareness. Since I don’t have an actual soapbox, I’ll use Facebook. 1 in 8 couples in the US experience infertility. You know at least one of these couples (<DH> and me), probably more. Our experience has been heartbreaking; treatments have been invasive, painful, and expensive. The hardest part is that nothing has worked and we struggle with the reality that treatments might never work.
During this journey I've encountered some amazing support, for which I am touched and deeply grateful. I have also encountered smart, caring people with serious misunderstandings about infertility and our treatment options. In the interest of raising awareness, I've put together “8 things I wish everyone understood about Infertility.” If you've said something a little foolish to me, please don't take this as a complain. My goal here is to acknowledge that misconceptions exist and to improve the dialogue about infertility.
As a "note" (linked to in the status):
1. Infertility is a medical condition. Reproduction is a biological function. When your body can’t reproduce it is a medical problem that deserves to be treated as such.
2. Our infertility is a physical problem, not a mental one. No amount of relaxing, vacationing, or thinking positively will change the biological problem we’ve encountered. Several people have suggested to me that relaxing might solve our problem. Please believe me when I tell you that there is nothing I can do in my head to solve our problem (same for <DH>). Our doctors suggest in-vitro fertilization (IVF) not vacations or de-stressing.
3. Infertility is exhausting. It is mentally exhausting. I have been “not pregnant” 30 times. Think about trying for something (that you really care about) 30 times. How would you feel on the 31st try? … I think the fact that we can summon the hope required to try again at this point is sort of amazing. Infertility is also physically exhausting. Just since January, I have lost track of the number of times we’ve been to the clinic, not to mention the number of blood draws, transvaginal ultrasounds, injections, medications, and phone conversations with my nurse. My body has been through a lot in the last couple years.
4. Our infertility isn’t anyone’s fault. If you want to know more about our diagnosis and what’s preventing us from conceiving you can ask me; please don’t ask, “Whose fault is it?” Neither one of us did anything wrong and our problem cannot be fixed with lifestyle changes.
5. Infertility can be caused by many different issues. 30% of infertility is caused by a male issue, 30% is caused by a female issue, 20% is unexplained, and the rest is some combination of factors. Within both the male and female categories, there are several possible things that can go wrong. With so many different causes, not every infertility treatment is appropriate for everyone. Please do not assume that we should try whatever worked for your neighbor’s sister.
6. IVF does not always work (and it sucks). IVF is an end-of-the-line, invasive, expensive medical procedure that works about half the time under the best circumstances. There are many couples with much lower odds and many who never have success. I hope it will work for us, but so far it hasn’t. When I tell you, “We’re about to start another IVF cycle.” I appreciate your excitement, but I wish you understood that what I just said was, “Having a baby is going to be very difficult. We’re about to try again with about 6 weeks of treatments. It might not work and it will cost $15,000. Our bathroom counter will be covered in materials for mixing and injecting hormones. I’ll go in for several early-morning transvaginal ultrasounds. I’ll also get about 15 blood draws, recover from a painful egg retrieval surgery, have an embryo transferred back into me, and then at the end I’ll “rest” for ten days while I try not to obsess about what is or is not happening in my uterus. I will be physically and emotionally delicate during and after treatment. <DH> will be worried and will be busy attending appointments, taking care of me, and generally trying to hold it all together. I am incredibly anxious that this cycle will end like all the rest, with disappointment and sadness.” That is what “We’re doing another cycle of IVF.” actually means to me.
7. Infertility treatments can be very expensive. Very expensive like we could have sent our non-existent child to UW for an undergraduate education using the money we spent trying to have a child in the past 12 months. For example, $15,000 for a fresh IVF cycle (including $2500 for meds and $4000 for PGS testing) and $4000 for a frozen embryo transfer cycle. We have good insurance and we reached our infertility cap 4 months into the diagnosis and treatment process. Many people with medical insurance in the US have zero coverage for infertility. Ironically, these high costs encourage patients to make riskier decision which result in a high rate of multiples (twins, etc.), which are ultimately more expensive for insurers and riskier for everyone. In places where coverage is mandatory it pays off in terms of total healthcare costs. I also think it’s wrong to discriminate against this medical condition, but that’s a long discussion... suffice it to say that costs can be prohibitive and I wish there was a wider understanding of exactly what I mean when I say “expensive.”
8. For me, infertility is a Really Big Deal. I have thought about this every day for at least 18 months, sometimes every hour. It has affected my outlook on life, my marriage, really everything. I am surprised by how deeply this experience has shaken me, so I can see why others would have trouble understanding. I will try to explain… I appear to have a biological urge to procreate. When I see a tiny baby I’m pretty sure my uterus actually does a little happy dance. And then I want to cry. Infertility is so frustrating and humbling. This is a problem that I can’t fix by working harder or just finding a way to be better. We can do everything “right,” I can take my medications perfectly and read every relevant book and medical article out there, and still have cycle after cycle fail. It feels wickedly unfair. Cycle failures feel like a loss. It is the loss of a baby who only existed in my head. The loss of being able to decide when we have kids (we started trying when I was 28, I’m 31 now). The loss of being able to choose how many kids we have. The loss of the joy and excitement that I used to associate with deciding to have a baby. Infertility makes me feel powerless and sad. It’s a constant struggle to try to keep those emotions from crowding out the goodness and the joy in my life. I believe that we’ll find some path to happiness, but right now the path we’re on is scary, twisted, and just plain cruel.
Thank you for reading all this. I hope it furthers the conversation and awareness about infertility. If you have questions please ask. Although I complained about some of the stupid advice I’ve gotten, I really do think that the dialogue is helpful. I’ll assume that your questions come from an honest, caring place and I’ll answer accordingly. Just to get this out of the way, though… elevating your hips after sex doesn’t make a difference. ;-)"
-Meredith
Friday, June 6, 2014
The Reason
I've been on a quest lately to find really good songs. Songs that make me happy, songs that give me my reason to cry the tears I've been holding in for days, songs that pump me up to finish that last mile on my run, songs that bring back wonderful memories. I came across "The Reason" by Hoobastank. I always liked the song, but never really listened to the lyrics. Not all the lyrics apply to what I've been going through, but the chorus seems to get me teary. Even right now, I'm struggling to hold it in, sitting at my desk at work, to write out my thoughts. The chorus makes perfect sense in this fight to bring home a baby and create a future family and home life with W.
As we've been getting closer to our 4th anniversary of trying, at times I can't help but feel if it's worth the fight, stress and heartache to keep working towards a baby. It's hard to keep the negative thoughts away some days. Time seems to crawl by and some days you can't quite figure out why we are working so hard for something that seems so unattainable. But the reason is that baby. Even if I constantly have to adjust my schedule and plans for the future. Even if I have to work hard to keep my head above water and pretend like I'm doing okay to those around me. I can still picture that tiny baby in my arms at the end of this. I can still picture W sitting with our sweet baby, in that comfy lazy boy in the nursery, rocking it back to sleep in the middle of the night. That dream will one day be a reality and I will truly be able to say "And the reason is you".
Then I read a post from my cousin, who has become a dear friend to me in our struggle with IF. She was talking about dealing with her miscarriage(s) and finally figuring out one day what good came from it. And finding the reasons to be happy again. It seemed so perfect for the thoughts that have been swirling around in my head since I downloaded this song last month. I commented to her post and wanted to share the same thoughts here:
"It is SO hard to find anything good in our hardships, while we're going through them. But it is so great to find even just one good thing to come from them. I have a hard time believing that everything happens "the way it's supposed to", but I can believe that things happen for a reason, but it's up to us to find the reasons. My reason isn't the same as your reason and the reason may seem entirely silly or minor to others, but it's our reason and it's our peace that we get from finding that reason."
W and I have been trying to make big decisions together about our future. Job changes and selling our house to buy a new one, are our biggest topics lately. And I can't help but think that even though this week should've been the week we brought our tiny infant home, we may be able to make new plans right now. These plans could change our entire future, and if I'd had this little baby right now, I'd be transitioning into being a stay at home mom. We'd be down to one income and W might not even be considering a job change. We might not even be close to feeling comfortable and ready to move to a new home. In the end, we could figure out that our biggest reason for our plans being turned upside down, was that we needed a new plan. We needed a chance to better our future without the stress of a new baby.
"I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
And the reason is you"
As we've been getting closer to our 4th anniversary of trying, at times I can't help but feel if it's worth the fight, stress and heartache to keep working towards a baby. It's hard to keep the negative thoughts away some days. Time seems to crawl by and some days you can't quite figure out why we are working so hard for something that seems so unattainable. But the reason is that baby. Even if I constantly have to adjust my schedule and plans for the future. Even if I have to work hard to keep my head above water and pretend like I'm doing okay to those around me. I can still picture that tiny baby in my arms at the end of this. I can still picture W sitting with our sweet baby, in that comfy lazy boy in the nursery, rocking it back to sleep in the middle of the night. That dream will one day be a reality and I will truly be able to say "And the reason is you".
Then I read a post from my cousin, who has become a dear friend to me in our struggle with IF. She was talking about dealing with her miscarriage(s) and finally figuring out one day what good came from it. And finding the reasons to be happy again. It seemed so perfect for the thoughts that have been swirling around in my head since I downloaded this song last month. I commented to her post and wanted to share the same thoughts here:
"It is SO hard to find anything good in our hardships, while we're going through them. But it is so great to find even just one good thing to come from them. I have a hard time believing that everything happens "the way it's supposed to", but I can believe that things happen for a reason, but it's up to us to find the reasons. My reason isn't the same as your reason and the reason may seem entirely silly or minor to others, but it's our reason and it's our peace that we get from finding that reason."
W and I have been trying to make big decisions together about our future. Job changes and selling our house to buy a new one, are our biggest topics lately. And I can't help but think that even though this week should've been the week we brought our tiny infant home, we may be able to make new plans right now. These plans could change our entire future, and if I'd had this little baby right now, I'd be transitioning into being a stay at home mom. We'd be down to one income and W might not even be considering a job change. We might not even be close to feeling comfortable and ready to move to a new home. In the end, we could figure out that our biggest reason for our plans being turned upside down, was that we needed a new plan. We needed a chance to better our future without the stress of a new baby.
Friday, May 16, 2014
FET here we come!
I saw my doctor yesterday and he double checked to make sure my cysts have stayed away and existing ones getting smaller. They are, so our plan is still in place. I will begin my BCP on Sunday, then begin my Lupron shots on June 1st. I'll do those until my ultrasound on June 24th, when they'll be able to set an actual transfer date. I am so happy to finally be moving forward and to find my hope again.
I haven't decided for sure, but am thinking I might keep this FET under wraps. I told my older sister about my appointment, and am not going to keep her in the dark. I am going to let her be my support during this and then she can help me find the BEST way to surprise my family. I know we won't be able to keep it a secret until the 12 week mark, so I'm sure we'll tell them right away. But for now, my plan is to act as though the cysts are still there and that we're hoping for a late July transfer...But really? I will know by then if it took and can have fun surprising them. Everyone going through this knows that it sucks with IF, that the element of surprise is completely taken from us. But I'm taking control back! I want this to be a fun time for us, and let these last few months melt away and be forgotten in our bliss. (I know that people in my family know about this blog, so if you know my plan, just tell me you read this post, and you can be in on the surprise too! ;) )
In other news, W and I are now another year older. My bday was on Wednesday (14th) and W's is today. One year older and no where closer to the same goals we had last year. I am always a bit sad when a birthday comes and I feel like we have nothing to show for it. But today, at lunch with W, he pointed out how lucky we are. We found each other and make a good couple. We love spending time together and make each other laugh daily. We are content to just be together every day, and not have to be doing anything fancy. We truly do have so much we want and need, and we aren't in a mountain of debt because of it. We were able to do IVF, along with going on vacation each Jan, before and after IVF, and that's pretty cool. We are working on plan for the future, even before a baby would be here. We are working on a future for after a baby could arrive next Spring. And we are working on it together. We are so blessed. So even though, I hate the idea of moving forward without every single thing I've set my mind to (like a baby), at least I am moving forward with W. These hardships and heartache have only strengthened our relationship and I hope that means will help make us better parents because of it.
I haven't decided for sure, but am thinking I might keep this FET under wraps. I told my older sister about my appointment, and am not going to keep her in the dark. I am going to let her be my support during this and then she can help me find the BEST way to surprise my family. I know we won't be able to keep it a secret until the 12 week mark, so I'm sure we'll tell them right away. But for now, my plan is to act as though the cysts are still there and that we're hoping for a late July transfer...But really? I will know by then if it took and can have fun surprising them. Everyone going through this knows that it sucks with IF, that the element of surprise is completely taken from us. But I'm taking control back! I want this to be a fun time for us, and let these last few months melt away and be forgotten in our bliss. (I know that people in my family know about this blog, so if you know my plan, just tell me you read this post, and you can be in on the surprise too! ;) )
In other news, W and I are now another year older. My bday was on Wednesday (14th) and W's is today. One year older and no where closer to the same goals we had last year. I am always a bit sad when a birthday comes and I feel like we have nothing to show for it. But today, at lunch with W, he pointed out how lucky we are. We found each other and make a good couple. We love spending time together and make each other laugh daily. We are content to just be together every day, and not have to be doing anything fancy. We truly do have so much we want and need, and we aren't in a mountain of debt because of it. We were able to do IVF, along with going on vacation each Jan, before and after IVF, and that's pretty cool. We are working on plan for the future, even before a baby would be here. We are working on a future for after a baby could arrive next Spring. And we are working on it together. We are so blessed. So even though, I hate the idea of moving forward without every single thing I've set my mind to (like a baby), at least I am moving forward with W. These hardships and heartache have only strengthened our relationship and I hope that means will help make us better parents because of it.
Friday, May 9, 2014
Quotes
I was just reading on an online forum this morning and came across this quote that made me tear up and had to share it. Then figured I may as well add a few more of my favorites to this post too. (Yes, I tend to love those surrounding my absolute favorite of "Bring on the Rain" and red umbrellas. :) )
"I don't know why we have been chosen to undertake such a painful journey, why we must go through such struggles to bring our children into this world. But I do know that when we look into our babies' faces, they will never have to wonder if they were really wanted. Ours are the children who, no matter how they came to us, will look at their parents and know from the deepest places in their heart, how much we cherish them, and how we labored to give them life. And in that there is no greater security and no greater gift." - Dr. Randine Lewis, The Infertility Cure
"I don't know why we have been chosen to undertake such a painful journey, why we must go through such struggles to bring our children into this world. But I do know that when we look into our babies' faces, they will never have to wonder if they were really wanted. Ours are the children who, no matter how they came to us, will look at their parents and know from the deepest places in their heart, how much we cherish them, and how we labored to give them life. And in that there is no greater security and no greater gift." - Dr. Randine Lewis, The Infertility Cure
Wednesday, April 30, 2014
Infertile or not?
I've had some thoughts on my mind a lot lately, and they've come up more and more the last couple of days. With infertility awareness week being here last week, I kept thinking of little ways I could maybe posts things to show my support. But it all comes down to me not feeling I am ready to share that part of my heart with others. I have this blog, and just barely made it public, but haven't even shared that fact with more than my sisters and 2 or 3 of my closest girlfriends. As time has gone on TTC, we've shared with our immediate families and close friends, as a means for support and have been so grateful for it. And then as even more time has passed, we have started to hear about extended family going through issues of their own, and have slowly told some of them of our struggles. But it still feels too private to me to just talk about out in the open. I am too scared of being offended by dumb people, who really don't know any better, and so I figure why give them the chance to hurt my feelings? You can't expect people to know the "right" thing to say. And haven't we all said something to someone unknowingly? I can remember when I was 12 or 13. I was so young and dumb. I was babysitting for this young family and the mom had given birth maybe 3 or 4 months before, when I went to sit for them for the afternoon. I can remember she was wearing a flowy top and I just asked her if she was having another baby? Her husband jumped in and said 'Hey don't you say that about my beautiful wife!' I felt SO bad and knew right then to NEVER ask a woman if she's pregnant. But the same can go for any topic, can't it? All those people that never thought about getting pregnant probably don't even know what IVF or IUI stands for. They assume that it's "easy" and so their simple replies of "just relax and it will happen" shouldn't be offensive. Now, when there are people who know (aka my dumb boss) what we've gone through and still says "You don't want kids, they ruin your life." Or "You can have my kids, I didn't even want them." then I am offended.
Anyway, that wasn't even the point of my post. I wanted to write down some thoughts I've had about infertility from my point of view. We're going on close to 4 years of trying now. In the first year, it was hard, and I couldn't understand why it wasn't happening so easily, but "infertile" never crossed my mind. Then when we got pregnant right before getting tests done at my OB/GYN and thought, we really must've just been missing the ovulation window. After we miscarried, we went on Femara and bought OPKs and did that routine for 6 months. That's when it started to occur to me that maybe there really is something wrong with me. We went to see the RE and I don't think I still quite put myself in the infertile category. W and I both tested out fine and we "just needed a little help in this area" and IUI's would be our answer. After #3 didn't work, I think that's when I realized "maybe we are infertile." Now that we've been through more IUI's and an IVF cycle, along with my Hysteroscopy and months of cysts, I know that this isn't normal. I am really 1 in 8.
One of the cousins in my family posted on her blog and then plastered it all over FB and Instagram for everyone to see. She was "1 in 8" and wanted to make sure everyone knew about it. She didn't want sympathy, because this wasn't a bad thing; Her and her husband had been seriously blessed during their "almost 2 years of trying". What? No. That's not the message to spread. While I'm not saying I haven't found good amongst all the heartache, I don't exactly call this a blessing. I want people to understand that there are different levels of infertility. There's the pre-infertiles, the Jr. Infertiles and the Sr. Infertiles. Those who tried for a year unsuccessfully, those who got pregnant by taking a simple fertility drug and then those who have had to fork out money for tests, invasive procedures and then monitoring and IUIs and/or IVF. Maybe it's wrong of me to classify it that way, but that's just how I see it. I never wanted to be a Senior, but isn't it right that the Seniors are just waiting for graduation to happen so they can move on with the fun part of their lives? We are working extra hard to pass our tests (HPT) and are scared we'll be stuck in summer school for the rest of our lives just trying to graduate into parenthood. Anyway, I'm sure none of this makes sense. But I wrote this in an email to my sweet SIL today and I really think this is what's truly in my heart about the different stages of IF.
"I used to be so different about it all. I knew that I had a hard time getting pregnant, but was I really infertile? No way. I was going to take a simple fertility drug that would maybe help release a couple more eggs and I'd be pregnant and we'd laugh at the time wasted. But then as those things didn't work and we ended up seeing a specialist, I thought "Okay we just need a little help, with IUIs, but I'm still not sure I fit in the infertile club. But after those didn't work and we were on our way to IVF, I knew that there was no turning back. IVF is the real key to being in the club. And I guess I still kind of see it that way now. That doesn't take away the 2 years that we tried on our own and the heartache I felt, but I know what true infertility heartache feels like and it's different. What I mean is that (name), to me, isn't a true infertile, and likely won't ever be. Very likely she won't ever know this kind of heartache, not that I want her too. But she won't know the pain of seeing your conjoined twins** heartbeats and have the gut wrenching suggestion of abortion and then having them still miscarry. She won't know the pain of seeing your baby as an embryo and then 4 weeks later seeing that little ones heartbeat, only to have it all gone within a few short hours. I think a true infertile doesn't focus on the pain of contractions, but the pain of that hole in your heart. I am pretty sure this is my real problem with her. Right now, she wants sympathy and for people to feel bad for her. I want people to know what I've been through, but I really just want support and love from those closest to me. And you know what? I've got it. I couldn't be more blessed in the family and friends I have."
Maybe infertility awareness week needs to be made more for the infertility community. For us to find the right support and help among our own. We need to find the right support groups, to help us wade through life. We don't need to make the world see, because there's already enough negativity in our lives, why are we asking for outsider's opinions on it all? Of course in a perfect world, everyone would see what IF really is, and would grasp it all and fully understand the hardships it brings. But, we don't live in a perfect world and there are far too many closed minded people to try and get it through their heads.
**My dear cousin (in law) dealt with this heartache a few months ago. I can't even imagine what her heart went through. But she is one of my biggest supports through our infertility and has become one of my best friends. Love her for her words of encouragement, knowledge and humor. She just gets it.
Anyway, that wasn't even the point of my post. I wanted to write down some thoughts I've had about infertility from my point of view. We're going on close to 4 years of trying now. In the first year, it was hard, and I couldn't understand why it wasn't happening so easily, but "infertile" never crossed my mind. Then when we got pregnant right before getting tests done at my OB/GYN and thought, we really must've just been missing the ovulation window. After we miscarried, we went on Femara and bought OPKs and did that routine for 6 months. That's when it started to occur to me that maybe there really is something wrong with me. We went to see the RE and I don't think I still quite put myself in the infertile category. W and I both tested out fine and we "just needed a little help in this area" and IUI's would be our answer. After #3 didn't work, I think that's when I realized "maybe we are infertile." Now that we've been through more IUI's and an IVF cycle, along with my Hysteroscopy and months of cysts, I know that this isn't normal. I am really 1 in 8.
One of the cousins in my family posted on her blog and then plastered it all over FB and Instagram for everyone to see. She was "1 in 8" and wanted to make sure everyone knew about it. She didn't want sympathy, because this wasn't a bad thing; Her and her husband had been seriously blessed during their "almost 2 years of trying". What? No. That's not the message to spread. While I'm not saying I haven't found good amongst all the heartache, I don't exactly call this a blessing. I want people to understand that there are different levels of infertility. There's the pre-infertiles, the Jr. Infertiles and the Sr. Infertiles. Those who tried for a year unsuccessfully, those who got pregnant by taking a simple fertility drug and then those who have had to fork out money for tests, invasive procedures and then monitoring and IUIs and/or IVF. Maybe it's wrong of me to classify it that way, but that's just how I see it. I never wanted to be a Senior, but isn't it right that the Seniors are just waiting for graduation to happen so they can move on with the fun part of their lives? We are working extra hard to pass our tests (HPT) and are scared we'll be stuck in summer school for the rest of our lives just trying to graduate into parenthood. Anyway, I'm sure none of this makes sense. But I wrote this in an email to my sweet SIL today and I really think this is what's truly in my heart about the different stages of IF.
"I used to be so different about it all. I knew that I had a hard time getting pregnant, but was I really infertile? No way. I was going to take a simple fertility drug that would maybe help release a couple more eggs and I'd be pregnant and we'd laugh at the time wasted. But then as those things didn't work and we ended up seeing a specialist, I thought "Okay we just need a little help, with IUIs, but I'm still not sure I fit in the infertile club. But after those didn't work and we were on our way to IVF, I knew that there was no turning back. IVF is the real key to being in the club. And I guess I still kind of see it that way now. That doesn't take away the 2 years that we tried on our own and the heartache I felt, but I know what true infertility heartache feels like and it's different. What I mean is that (name), to me, isn't a true infertile, and likely won't ever be. Very likely she won't ever know this kind of heartache, not that I want her too. But she won't know the pain of seeing your conjoined twins** heartbeats and have the gut wrenching suggestion of abortion and then having them still miscarry. She won't know the pain of seeing your baby as an embryo and then 4 weeks later seeing that little ones heartbeat, only to have it all gone within a few short hours. I think a true infertile doesn't focus on the pain of contractions, but the pain of that hole in your heart. I am pretty sure this is my real problem with her. Right now, she wants sympathy and for people to feel bad for her. I want people to know what I've been through, but I really just want support and love from those closest to me. And you know what? I've got it. I couldn't be more blessed in the family and friends I have."
Maybe infertility awareness week needs to be made more for the infertility community. For us to find the right support and help among our own. We need to find the right support groups, to help us wade through life. We don't need to make the world see, because there's already enough negativity in our lives, why are we asking for outsider's opinions on it all? Of course in a perfect world, everyone would see what IF really is, and would grasp it all and fully understand the hardships it brings. But, we don't live in a perfect world and there are far too many closed minded people to try and get it through their heads.
**My dear cousin (in law) dealt with this heartache a few months ago. I can't even imagine what her heart went through. But she is one of my biggest supports through our infertility and has become one of my best friends. Love her for her words of encouragement, knowledge and humor. She just gets it.
Friday, April 25, 2014
Getting Closer
I was realizing yesterday that we are about 3 weeks away from getting started on the process of our FET. Even though we still have a ways to go until the actual transfer, I'll be happy knowing we are actually moving forward. I have another U/S on the 15th of May to ensure the cysts have cleared up and no new ones have formed and then we will be on our way.
After continuing with training for my marathon, feeling constant pain in my ankle and generally not finding any joy in the added miles, I decided a marathon was too lofty a goal this year. I hadn't been running a ton when I made the decision and really thought I could push myself hard to get ready. But your body has a way of really bringing your mind to reality and letting you know you can't force these things. So I opted to switch my bib to the half marathon instead and I am so glad I did. I am excited for it again and am pushing myself on speed instead of distance. I ran my 2nd half of the spring last weekend and improved on my time by about 8 minutes from the first one in March. I have another half next weekend and then my final race before the planned FET is on the 17th. I'm hoping by the 17th, I'll have a new personal record and feel some sort of accomplishment there.
I started running about 2 1/2 years ago, as we were coming to the close of our first year of trying. I was sad and frustrated and needed a way to make myself feel better. We had a vacation coming up and so I decided that I should do a little jogging to get in shape and ultimately found that it was the best thing for me with our infertility. It gave me an outlet to be mad and push my body a bit further, or gave me time by myself to really think about things without interruptions. I've shed a lot of sad and angry tears on some of my runs and felt so good afterwards. Running really seemed to help for a while and even though I haven't always been consistent with running, on bad days I knew what could help turn my mood around. Since the IVF miscarriage, things have changed. I still feel a sense of accomplishment and find joy in running, it hasn't helped me clear my mind and feel better about things. There is no simple "move on to these next steps" if IVF doesn't work in the end. I haven't lost hope that IVF (or FET) can work for us, but the constant delays have definitely left me in a bad limbo state of mind.
I can honestly say I'm in a better place right now, than I was back in December through February. I'm feeling more optimism and hope about things. But, my sadness and anger hasn't gone away completely. I've felt a bit more sad lately about others getting what I so desperately want. I went last night to pick out a baby outfit for my cousin's wife. I won't be able to attend the baby shower because of other plans, but didn't want to ignore the invite completely. So I was looking for the perfect cute baby boy outfit and thought I was doing good. But after a few minutes it took everything I could to not tear up and feel sorry for myself. Seeing the darling cargo pants and baby hoodies, the tiny bow ties attached to darling plaid shirts, really started to get to me. I want my own baby to dress up, and right now the soonest I could have it, would be a year from now. It just makes my heart ache. I am sad for myself that others get it before me, and I'm buying them the tiny baby clothes that I want. Please just let it be my turn next. I don't want to buy anymore baby clothes until they are for my baby.
Keeping my hope alive and my fingers crossed that everything will go according to plan and come March 2015 baby H will be arriving. Please let it work.
After continuing with training for my marathon, feeling constant pain in my ankle and generally not finding any joy in the added miles, I decided a marathon was too lofty a goal this year. I hadn't been running a ton when I made the decision and really thought I could push myself hard to get ready. But your body has a way of really bringing your mind to reality and letting you know you can't force these things. So I opted to switch my bib to the half marathon instead and I am so glad I did. I am excited for it again and am pushing myself on speed instead of distance. I ran my 2nd half of the spring last weekend and improved on my time by about 8 minutes from the first one in March. I have another half next weekend and then my final race before the planned FET is on the 17th. I'm hoping by the 17th, I'll have a new personal record and feel some sort of accomplishment there.
I started running about 2 1/2 years ago, as we were coming to the close of our first year of trying. I was sad and frustrated and needed a way to make myself feel better. We had a vacation coming up and so I decided that I should do a little jogging to get in shape and ultimately found that it was the best thing for me with our infertility. It gave me an outlet to be mad and push my body a bit further, or gave me time by myself to really think about things without interruptions. I've shed a lot of sad and angry tears on some of my runs and felt so good afterwards. Running really seemed to help for a while and even though I haven't always been consistent with running, on bad days I knew what could help turn my mood around. Since the IVF miscarriage, things have changed. I still feel a sense of accomplishment and find joy in running, it hasn't helped me clear my mind and feel better about things. There is no simple "move on to these next steps" if IVF doesn't work in the end. I haven't lost hope that IVF (or FET) can work for us, but the constant delays have definitely left me in a bad limbo state of mind.
I can honestly say I'm in a better place right now, than I was back in December through February. I'm feeling more optimism and hope about things. But, my sadness and anger hasn't gone away completely. I've felt a bit more sad lately about others getting what I so desperately want. I went last night to pick out a baby outfit for my cousin's wife. I won't be able to attend the baby shower because of other plans, but didn't want to ignore the invite completely. So I was looking for the perfect cute baby boy outfit and thought I was doing good. But after a few minutes it took everything I could to not tear up and feel sorry for myself. Seeing the darling cargo pants and baby hoodies, the tiny bow ties attached to darling plaid shirts, really started to get to me. I want my own baby to dress up, and right now the soonest I could have it, would be a year from now. It just makes my heart ache. I am sad for myself that others get it before me, and I'm buying them the tiny baby clothes that I want. Please just let it be my turn next. I don't want to buy anymore baby clothes until they are for my baby.
Keeping my hope alive and my fingers crossed that everything will go according to plan and come March 2015 baby H will be arriving. Please let it work.
Tuesday, March 25, 2014
Plan in Place
I went to see Dr. P yesterday and my cysts are finally starting to dissolve! He told me to stay on the Norethindrone and come back and see him mid May to make sure everything looks good and we'll get started on the FET process. Expected transfer date is June 30th or July 1st or 2nd, if all goes according to plan.
I asked him why he wouldn't just start me on the BCP sooner and then I can start Lupron as soon as my marathon is over and he said my body would be out of whack and I could start spotting and he didn't think I'd want to deal with that while training. I said I certainly didn't, but just wanted to do the transfer the soonest time available. But he said let's just leave the plan as is. Sometimes I don't understand why Dr. P makes the decisions he does, but I just have to trust that he's dong what's best for me.
Originally, when I signed up for the marathon, I decided I need a break. I needed a break from ultrasounds and disappointments. I wanted to just put my energy into something I could control and not stress about the upcoming FET. So even though I am a little disappointed that I am 3 months out from it, I am looking forward to being period free these next couple months and to just relax and do the things we have planned.
Training for the marathon has officially started and it's going well. I ran a half marathon with my sister and 5 other girls this past weekend in Zions National Park and it was gorgeous. I didn't make the best time, but had to keep in mind this was just a training run. I don't need to push myself to be faster, I need to push myself on the distance. I've gotten to run more with B and that has been so nice. We really have been great support and therapy for each other and I think it's what we both needed. We have uninterrupted time to talk about anything we need to and I love it! I run 15 this weekend!
W and I have continued working on projects around the house. Painting base boards and trim and have plans to update the paint in the rest of the rooms in the house. We keep bouncing ideas off each other for the 2nd bathroom update, but haven't been in a rush to jump into tearing into it, just yet. We've decided to move outside while the weather is warming up, but not getting hot. We are getting the house prepped to paint it. W has been getting the windows sealed and adding small trim where it's needed. I've tried to help where I can, but sometimes am just there to grab him tools and supplies so he doesn't have to go up and down on the ladder. I've been working on scraping loose paint off of the house and trim. We also would like to redo the shingles on the roof, but haven't decided if that will be a project we work on now or in the fall. We definitely have a long list of things to do to keep us busy, so I'm sure the time will fly by and the FET will be here in no time!
I asked him why he wouldn't just start me on the BCP sooner and then I can start Lupron as soon as my marathon is over and he said my body would be out of whack and I could start spotting and he didn't think I'd want to deal with that while training. I said I certainly didn't, but just wanted to do the transfer the soonest time available. But he said let's just leave the plan as is. Sometimes I don't understand why Dr. P makes the decisions he does, but I just have to trust that he's dong what's best for me.
Originally, when I signed up for the marathon, I decided I need a break. I needed a break from ultrasounds and disappointments. I wanted to just put my energy into something I could control and not stress about the upcoming FET. So even though I am a little disappointed that I am 3 months out from it, I am looking forward to being period free these next couple months and to just relax and do the things we have planned.
Training for the marathon has officially started and it's going well. I ran a half marathon with my sister and 5 other girls this past weekend in Zions National Park and it was gorgeous. I didn't make the best time, but had to keep in mind this was just a training run. I don't need to push myself to be faster, I need to push myself on the distance. I've gotten to run more with B and that has been so nice. We really have been great support and therapy for each other and I think it's what we both needed. We have uninterrupted time to talk about anything we need to and I love it! I run 15 this weekend!
W and I have continued working on projects around the house. Painting base boards and trim and have plans to update the paint in the rest of the rooms in the house. We keep bouncing ideas off each other for the 2nd bathroom update, but haven't been in a rush to jump into tearing into it, just yet. We've decided to move outside while the weather is warming up, but not getting hot. We are getting the house prepped to paint it. W has been getting the windows sealed and adding small trim where it's needed. I've tried to help where I can, but sometimes am just there to grab him tools and supplies so he doesn't have to go up and down on the ladder. I've been working on scraping loose paint off of the house and trim. We also would like to redo the shingles on the roof, but haven't decided if that will be a project we work on now or in the fall. We definitely have a long list of things to do to keep us busy, so I'm sure the time will fly by and the FET will be here in no time!
Friday, March 14, 2014
Sunshine and Springtime!
After being down in the dumps for several months, I made a decision to take matters into my own hands. I decided that if my cysts were still hanging around, then I wasn't putting off my plans any longer. Well those cysts clearly like me, because they are still there. So let the plan making begin!
I signed up for 2 half marathons and my first FULL marathon, all in a 2 month time. I've been doing a bit of running, but mostly just a few miles on the weekends with my sister and calling it good. So I've got my work cut out for me and I am motivated! Is it going to be hard? Hell ya, it is. But it will be so worth it! I have felt so good this whole week, and I am feeling my attitude slowly change for the better. I am so pumped to push myself and to reap the benefits of running, once again. W has been so supportive of me and that makes it that much easier to keep pushing myself. My sister is the best trainer a girl could ask for and is my number one motivator and fan in all things running.
W and I completed work on our guest bathroom and are putting together plans for the main bathroom. We will continue painting everything in our path, and I can't wait to see the results. We are fixing and replacing doors and painting all the trim. We are getting all new hardware for the doors and what a difference it's already beginning to make!
Today I am leaving work early to go catch my dad's soccer team. He's been coaching MHS Soccer for over 10 years now and it is so fun to be cheer from the sidelines! The weather is warm and sunny today, so I knew I needed to take advantage of a slow day at work and get some rays and soccer time! Plus, I get to see my niece and nephew at the game, and they make me giddy.
I emailed Dr. P the other day to let him know my plans to get a few races in and asked him for advice on what our next steps should be. I was expecting him to tell me to just wait and come in at the end of May to continue, but he didn't. He told me to make an appt for the end of March and if everything looks good, we'll make my plans and work around my races. Just when I thought I couldn't love my RE anymore, he goes and responds in the perfect way. He seems to understand that life goes on and that anything he can do to help get me back to my "normal" self, he'll do it.
W and I have made our budget and some plans for the year and if all goes well and how we are hoping, 2014 could be a great year. It's really hard to see past all that we've been through and let go of the sadness/anger when it feels never ending. But we find so much happiness when we make plans and goals and work towards making them happen. This is when we are at our best, and so I'm excited for that. I really need to try and put more focus on my life outside of IF, because for the last 6 months, I haven't been able to. And it's time for a change.
I signed up for 2 half marathons and my first FULL marathon, all in a 2 month time. I've been doing a bit of running, but mostly just a few miles on the weekends with my sister and calling it good. So I've got my work cut out for me and I am motivated! Is it going to be hard? Hell ya, it is. But it will be so worth it! I have felt so good this whole week, and I am feeling my attitude slowly change for the better. I am so pumped to push myself and to reap the benefits of running, once again. W has been so supportive of me and that makes it that much easier to keep pushing myself. My sister is the best trainer a girl could ask for and is my number one motivator and fan in all things running.
W and I completed work on our guest bathroom and are putting together plans for the main bathroom. We will continue painting everything in our path, and I can't wait to see the results. We are fixing and replacing doors and painting all the trim. We are getting all new hardware for the doors and what a difference it's already beginning to make!
Today I am leaving work early to go catch my dad's soccer team. He's been coaching MHS Soccer for over 10 years now and it is so fun to be cheer from the sidelines! The weather is warm and sunny today, so I knew I needed to take advantage of a slow day at work and get some rays and soccer time! Plus, I get to see my niece and nephew at the game, and they make me giddy.
I emailed Dr. P the other day to let him know my plans to get a few races in and asked him for advice on what our next steps should be. I was expecting him to tell me to just wait and come in at the end of May to continue, but he didn't. He told me to make an appt for the end of March and if everything looks good, we'll make my plans and work around my races. Just when I thought I couldn't love my RE anymore, he goes and responds in the perfect way. He seems to understand that life goes on and that anything he can do to help get me back to my "normal" self, he'll do it.
W and I have made our budget and some plans for the year and if all goes well and how we are hoping, 2014 could be a great year. It's really hard to see past all that we've been through and let go of the sadness/anger when it feels never ending. But we find so much happiness when we make plans and goals and work towards making them happen. This is when we are at our best, and so I'm excited for that. I really need to try and put more focus on my life outside of IF, because for the last 6 months, I haven't been able to. And it's time for a change.
Thursday, February 27, 2014
Bitter
They say life isn't fair; I now fully believe that saying. After the MC, I bucked right back up after a week or so of being sad. I told myself I didn't want to become bitter and angry with the way this process has gone for us. I wanted to keep hope and positivity throughout all of this. But as time has gone on, and the disappointments of been mounting , I can't seem to get rid of this resentment I have for my current situation. This waiting game is really hard for me. I am a planner and I've done my best dealing with the surprises and heartache as they come; but this has been too much for me. I haven't been able to plan anything farther than a month out, because I just don't know what the next month will bring.
I went to the doctor yesterday and even though I went expecting bad news, I was fighting back tears when the doctor said the cysts are still there. Today's appt. wasn't great beyond the bad news either. I didn't care much for the nurse or doctor. I've seen Dr. M before; He's done 3 U/S's on me before yesterday (including the morning of my MC) and still didn't have any sort of recognition when he introduced himself to me and W. W also remembered him and he doesn't go to the clinic nearly as much as I do. And neither of them took the time to figure out why I was there; I had to correct both of them. The nurse spent a full minute going over the purpose of my visit and what to expect, as if it was my first time there. I corrected her and told her why I was there. The Dr. M comes in and introduces himself to us and I'm thinking "Hi, you've looked at my vag before, but pleased to meet you." He starts explained what he's going to be doing with the U/S wand (Whoa, that's what that is? I didn't know!) and asking me what hormones I'm currently taking and when we are expecting to do the FET. So then I have to tell him we are just checking to see if my cysts have dissolved, so we can make a plan. This same doc has brought up my "endometriosis" before and brought it up again today. I just told him I don't have endo and we're just dealing with cysts. So then I"m annoyed that I can't seem to get any answers as no one cares to try and look at my chart and help. So I get to pay for yet another U/S for basically nothing. Anyway, I got a call from my nurse a little bit later, after she talked to Dr. P. They are having me take Norethindrone for a month and hope this will help get those cysts to dissolve. I am supposed to make another U/S appt in a month and go from there. It won't necessarily fix it in just a month, but I am going to stay hopeful that it will.
I am definitely feeling defeated with life, lately. I honestly don't know how to snap out of my moods. I could cry everyday and am close to winning the most cranky woman of the year award. The only people I can currently stand is W, my sisters and a few of my friends. And I know it's all me...There can't be a wave of stupidity washing over every other person around me. I just have zero patience to deal with anything lately. I am ornery at people's dumb stories and think "at least you don't have to deal with this" to myself constantly. So really? I have turned into that bitter woman I really didn't want to be. I'm not sure what the answer is to get over it. Each day I think, I'll just have a good cry and stuff my face with whatever sounds yummy and tomorrow I'll feel better. But I don't.
I haven't been running much lately, either. My motivation just isn't there. The days I do get out and run, I love it! But that great feeling I have afterwards, doesn't last long. I'm jealous of anyone I see outside running, so shouldn't that push me to do it? No, if it doesn't happen exactly the way I want it to, when I want it to, I just give up on it that day. I would rather veg on the couch with W all night than spend 20 minutes on the treadmill. So I've decided I need to sign up for a half marathon and that should help motivate me to start doing better. The weather is warming up and there's nothing better than running on these first days of spring. You see flowers starting to bloom and the weather is perfect for it.
Also in the meantime, I've decided to try and get more involved in the IF blogging community. I need to put myself out there and stop hiding my story. I've been too nervous to make my blog public, for fear someone I know will find it. I'm learning as I go through this journey how little people actually know about this medical condition; and how ignorant they can be. People seem to think that we are less than human because of this and that we don't deserve to get any extra help. The local news stations has started putting out a ton of articles about infertility. For a while it made me so happy to see them; until I started reading the comments people were leaving. So many think we are selfish for "wasting money" on treatments when we could "just adopt" or "be foster parents". How unfair that on top of the heartbreak and failure I feel with myself, I get to hear it from other people how selfish I am for wanting to "give birth to my own child, when there are so many children who need a good home." As if that's my answer from God, that if it doesn't work naturally, then I'm not supposed to have my own children. That my desire to be pregnant and give birth to my own baby isn't right. That if I really wanted to be a parent, I would just adopt and not feel the need to give birth. (These are actual comments from someone in reply to my comment, agreeing that insurance should have even a little bit of coverage for IF as an Opt In, like Vision or Dental.) I shouldn't let some loser's comments affect me, but it cut pretty deep. I don't expect anyone to help me pay for my treatments, but I feel like I deserve a little bit of sympathy and support for going through this. This isn't just some small trivial thing, like losing a house you really like that you big on or not getting a job you interviewed for. This is my life. I have a problem conceiving a child; W and I both test fine, so I get to do it blindly, without knowing what the hell is wrong with us. And a little bit more of my heart breaks each month that passes me by. We've been at this for 40 months now. Over 3 years of my life hoping, praying, sacrificing and nothing but bills and receipts to show for it. So maybe instead of trying to find support through lame news stories; I need to really get involved with those who are going through the same things. I may not know them in real life, but we can relate and talk and it might help my heart heal.
I went to the doctor yesterday and even though I went expecting bad news, I was fighting back tears when the doctor said the cysts are still there. Today's appt. wasn't great beyond the bad news either. I didn't care much for the nurse or doctor. I've seen Dr. M before; He's done 3 U/S's on me before yesterday (including the morning of my MC) and still didn't have any sort of recognition when he introduced himself to me and W. W also remembered him and he doesn't go to the clinic nearly as much as I do. And neither of them took the time to figure out why I was there; I had to correct both of them. The nurse spent a full minute going over the purpose of my visit and what to expect, as if it was my first time there. I corrected her and told her why I was there. The Dr. M comes in and introduces himself to us and I'm thinking "Hi, you've looked at my vag before, but pleased to meet you." He starts explained what he's going to be doing with the U/S wand (Whoa, that's what that is? I didn't know!) and asking me what hormones I'm currently taking and when we are expecting to do the FET. So then I have to tell him we are just checking to see if my cysts have dissolved, so we can make a plan. This same doc has brought up my "endometriosis" before and brought it up again today. I just told him I don't have endo and we're just dealing with cysts. So then I"m annoyed that I can't seem to get any answers as no one cares to try and look at my chart and help. So I get to pay for yet another U/S for basically nothing. Anyway, I got a call from my nurse a little bit later, after she talked to Dr. P. They are having me take Norethindrone for a month and hope this will help get those cysts to dissolve. I am supposed to make another U/S appt in a month and go from there. It won't necessarily fix it in just a month, but I am going to stay hopeful that it will.
I am definitely feeling defeated with life, lately. I honestly don't know how to snap out of my moods. I could cry everyday and am close to winning the most cranky woman of the year award. The only people I can currently stand is W, my sisters and a few of my friends. And I know it's all me...There can't be a wave of stupidity washing over every other person around me. I just have zero patience to deal with anything lately. I am ornery at people's dumb stories and think "at least you don't have to deal with this" to myself constantly. So really? I have turned into that bitter woman I really didn't want to be. I'm not sure what the answer is to get over it. Each day I think, I'll just have a good cry and stuff my face with whatever sounds yummy and tomorrow I'll feel better. But I don't.
I haven't been running much lately, either. My motivation just isn't there. The days I do get out and run, I love it! But that great feeling I have afterwards, doesn't last long. I'm jealous of anyone I see outside running, so shouldn't that push me to do it? No, if it doesn't happen exactly the way I want it to, when I want it to, I just give up on it that day. I would rather veg on the couch with W all night than spend 20 minutes on the treadmill. So I've decided I need to sign up for a half marathon and that should help motivate me to start doing better. The weather is warming up and there's nothing better than running on these first days of spring. You see flowers starting to bloom and the weather is perfect for it.
Also in the meantime, I've decided to try and get more involved in the IF blogging community. I need to put myself out there and stop hiding my story. I've been too nervous to make my blog public, for fear someone I know will find it. I'm learning as I go through this journey how little people actually know about this medical condition; and how ignorant they can be. People seem to think that we are less than human because of this and that we don't deserve to get any extra help. The local news stations has started putting out a ton of articles about infertility. For a while it made me so happy to see them; until I started reading the comments people were leaving. So many think we are selfish for "wasting money" on treatments when we could "just adopt" or "be foster parents". How unfair that on top of the heartbreak and failure I feel with myself, I get to hear it from other people how selfish I am for wanting to "give birth to my own child, when there are so many children who need a good home." As if that's my answer from God, that if it doesn't work naturally, then I'm not supposed to have my own children. That my desire to be pregnant and give birth to my own baby isn't right. That if I really wanted to be a parent, I would just adopt and not feel the need to give birth. (These are actual comments from someone in reply to my comment, agreeing that insurance should have even a little bit of coverage for IF as an Opt In, like Vision or Dental.) I shouldn't let some loser's comments affect me, but it cut pretty deep. I don't expect anyone to help me pay for my treatments, but I feel like I deserve a little bit of sympathy and support for going through this. This isn't just some small trivial thing, like losing a house you really like that you big on or not getting a job you interviewed for. This is my life. I have a problem conceiving a child; W and I both test fine, so I get to do it blindly, without knowing what the hell is wrong with us. And a little bit more of my heart breaks each month that passes me by. We've been at this for 40 months now. Over 3 years of my life hoping, praying, sacrificing and nothing but bills and receipts to show for it. So maybe instead of trying to find support through lame news stories; I need to really get involved with those who are going through the same things. I may not know them in real life, but we can relate and talk and it might help my heart heal.
Wednesday, January 8, 2014
Never ending game
Infertility throws
some pretty big curve balls. In fact, I
think that’s all it ever does. Nothing
is ever predicted or easy. We don’t get
to walk the bases and make it home….We are constantly swinging, striking out and
trying to get our home run. The game is
never ending, with so many innings, I’ve lost count. Times like right now, I feel like just being
a spectator up in the stands eating popcorn and peanuts without a worry or
care. Send someone else in for me, I’m
tired and don’t feel like I can play much longer.
The past 2
months have been up and down. I found
hope and positivity pretty quickly after the miscarriage. Of course I was still sad, but I hadn’t given
up. W and I set up an appt to see Dr. P
on Dec. 3rd and went in ready to make a plan. Dr. P said he wanted me to have a
Hysteroscopy to make sure there wasn’t any blockage in my uterus. Flash back to last Dec./Jan. when Dr. P
thought I might have a blockage and sent me in for an MRI. The MRI came back negative and I was told I
just had a heart shaped uterus. So we
moved forward with our IUI’s and IVF without giving it another thought. But Dr. P said he thought it was important to
do the procedure now to help my chances of not miscarrying again with the FET. We did that on Dec. 4th and Dr. P
did remove a small 4 mm scar tissue and was very pleased in the end. We got our plan set and were ready to move
forward with each step when I was to start my period around Christmas. But my period never came. I knew my chances of being pregnant were slim
to none with the timing of everything we had going on making it nearly
impossible. But I still tested a couple
of times to make sure a miracle hadn’t occurred.
Almost 2
weeks passed and I asked the nurse about how this would change our plans. She told me I needed to start by Jan 3rd
in order to keep our current plan in place.
When it never showed up that day, I called to find out what to do. I set up an appt with Dr. P to see if I could
get an answer. They did an ultrasound on
the 6th and found a cyst on my right ovary. No answer on why my period hasn’t started,
but was told to start my birth control pills and come back to see them in 3
weeks, when my period starts. They need
to see if the cyst will dissolve itself, or if they’ll need to remove it. So no plan is in place right now. Dr. P said to go enjoy our vacation and not
worry about all this stuff right now. I’m
going to do my best to take the break that I’m sure my mind really needs.
I’ve been
really down these last couple weeks. I
have tried to perk up and not stress about things, but I’m failing
miserably. I can’t stop thinking about
the milestones we would’ve gotten to by now.
I’d have a small baby bump, we’d know the sex of the baby and be picking
out a name and planning my baby shower.
I’d be counting down the time to meet our little one and looking forward
to finally becoming a mom. But instead I’m
stuck in limbo. I’m starting to feel
like I need to keep more to myself. If I
thought I sounded like a broken record before, I didn’t realize just how worn
down that record would become. No one
has any sort of answer, and no one knows what to say. Even the nurse I talked to about feeling
depressed told me to “think positively” and I’d start feeling better. I know that all our family and friends that
know are still rooting for us; but I feel so alone right now. Lives continue on and things keep happening
for most people around us, but we stay in this endless battle. I feel defeated and lost. And the bills just keep coming. Just when we feel like we could finally be
caught up on it all, something else shows up in our mailbox. I never thought I’d feel like the money spent
on everything was wasted, but I do.
Nothing we did has worked so far, so all that money spent was for
naught. And we just get to do it all
over again. We’ve started a new year and
insurance starts over. It happens and I
can’t change that, but I’d feel better knowing that all the money I was spending
this year was working towards a take home baby.
Or that all the money we spent in 2013 proved to be worth it, with me
being able to feel him/her move around in my stomach.
I guess I
just need more time to heal my broken heart.
I need to find a way to pick up and carry on. I need to find happiness outside of infertility
and make plans beyond planning for a family.
My new years resolution is the same it was for the past 3 years, to
finally have a baby…Maybe 2014 will be better than I think it will be right
now.
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